The Plan ~~ A Novel by Tinaheals

MIZPAH

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

 

I force my memory to return to that day, that fateful night.

I feel so divorced from reality that everything seems to be from a film, some experimental film, where the maker is purposely using disjointed close ups, to display the brokenness of the characters, to make visible the dehumanising of them.

It’s like when I look at advertisements- dismembered body parts of women are made to mimic products, a torso becomes a bottle of alcohol, and two legs become scissors. The woman is not only sexualized, objectified, but her body is not even allowed to remain whole, it is sliced up. What violence!

But here in this scene the filmmaker has perceived of slicing the characters to convey to me that they are somehow not whole, they are somehow disintegrating, they are fading away. The film I see, has a burnt out texture, the whole shot seems to be fragmented; there is an emptiness evident in the mise scene; the atoms are 9.999999999999% empty, so reality is essentially emptiness and I am more not here than here.

The camera is fluid, the shots keep going out of focus and then the subject gets refocused on. Wait, is this some film festival? Nah, it’s my life, more like a snapshot of my life.

That day!

I see her face; her mascara is running down her face, she looks like some character from a horror flick. Dressed in torn jeans and a white tee, her feet bare, her  messy make up, the alcohol on her breath and her cigarette smoke, they all surface at different times in my mind, like abstract close ups. They help me conjure up that very moment and I am there again.

A few weeks ago we had gone to the Police Station to file an FIR against this bastard. Not much was said that day or the following weeks of what had transpired because my sister was pretty much catatonic and has been since them, but this evening I get a call from her, drunk out of her head asking me to drop by. I ask Frank not to come as she might open up easier without a male presence, so hopping into a rick, I went straight to her Andheri apartment that she shared with Mel.

Anxiously I waited for her to get the door, and the sight that greeted my eyes shocked the living hell out of me.

Zeenia is wearing the same clothes in which she was raped and has painted her face very dramatically, presumably depicting the way she feels. I’m fucking scared. All these past few weeks what seemed like an eternity to me, she had suffered terribly from rape trauma syndrome and it has devastated us. We have all pretty much given up smiling or talking about anything normal, we just eat when hunger threatens to burn a hole through our stomach. Between Mel and me, we supervise her day and night, never allowing that one moment of weakness to overcome her. Slowly, slowly, she began to sleep for a few minutes, which has become a few hours. She’s stopped screaming in her sleep and the hallucinations about the rape have also lessened.

Only on days when we went to court, she’d be pretty much devastated to see the perpetrator sitting across the room, all smug and confident; lying through his teeth. Today the session at court was traumatic and this night is the reaction to that.

The night begins…

There are red Sula bottles strewn round the floor. I’m in Zeenia’s apartment at Yari Road, at least that’s where I think I am, my senses and understanding have abandoned me; we’re smoking spliffs and cigarettes like it’s going out of fashion.

The tiny apartment is smoky, it reeks of that cheap, sweet Sula smell that I detest; never been much of a drinker, in fact I do not care for alcohol at all, but today’s different.

Zeenia is drunk with a capital D and she keeps thrusting the bottle in my hand while petting Bhola, a stray puppy she rescued from the alleys of four bunglows. I keep sipping, knowing that she has something to say, but it is one of those things which can be mouthed out when one is sufficiently inebriated.

So I keep quiet, I drink on; we’re getting sloshed, Zeenia appears to be crying, hugging Bhola who stares at her surprised.

I see her face, a close up shot, her smeared mascara, and her face pale. What’s happened to you, my dearest friend, my sister? Why’re you wearing the same clothes? Why would you wear such ghoulish makeup?

Zeenia breaks down, she’s sobbing her eyes out. Bhola drags himself and sniffs her; he cannot walk as his hind is paralyzed, he carries his whole body weight on his front paws. There is a cello playing in the background, “Nothing else matters”, the celebrated Mettalica tune plays; there are no words, just the haunting tune spoken by the cello. It is spooky, it is surreal; eerily it plays on, the cello is hell bend on making me nauseous.

This nausea is different; it is filled with anxiety, with trepidation, with a doomsday feeling. Something bad is happening, no, no, it has happened and she is trying to tell me about it.

Birds fly high,

Heart as heavy as sinking iron.

The dusky twilight of today.

My haiku for the day, as I wait for her.

She is trying to work up the courage to speak about it, yes, something horrific has happened and she’s kept it bottled up for so long. Life as we knew it has ended, even Bhola can sense it.

Zeenia is on all-fours, on the floor, pulling her hair, screaming out in pain; all this while she was holding it in. I want to comfort her, but nausea is all I have. Where is Dadu? Where am I? Obviously not here, this body is here, pissed out of her mind, but where am I?

Am I in her scream? Am I in her pain? Am I even there? Do I even exist?

I just want to type away all this pain, yes, that’s what writers do, don’t they? A fucking fucked up cliché.

He raped me Nina, she’s saying. For the first time, I hear the words, the sinking feeling gets worse, as if it could get any worse. Since that day at the police station, she’d remained mute and unresponsive to everything, but today the flood gates have broken. I think I handled it better when she was silent, seeing her like this, with such a painful rawness is actually very scary.

Chills ran down my spine to actually hear these words- RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, it kept making a din in my consciousness. No, I did not hear it, but why is this word making so much noise, drowning everything else.

You read about rape in the newspapers, you watch it on tele, you see actors getting raped in films, you come across it in novels or short stories; but where do you encounter that word in the comfort of your own surroundings?

Such words do not perpetrate their violence in my mind when it comes to my sister.

As a writer you explore rape through different characters, you feel it deeply, but not like this.

Focus Nina, I hear a voice in my brain. Focus on what she is saying. “That bastard, he’s a fucking doctor, I trusted him…” All these words came to my ears disjointed, like a fragment from a whole dialogue but in the time they travelled to my ears these sound waves had lost most of their substance.

“How do people in positions of power abuse others so badly, I fucking don’t understand, especially women; these cunts create feminazis” shouts Zeenia. Her hands trembles as she tries to cut some white powder into straight lines. She snorts it through a crisp note, her eyes begin to water. She offers me the note; rolled up, ready to aid me in devouring some white powder.

No fucking way man, I did not yet care to fry my brain this instant, and of course the nausea is threatening to take charge. I have to keep it down. How did she get this stuff?

“Tell me all about it Zeenu, forget about the crap his lawyers are throwing at you, just tell me everything, from the beginning; he was about to operate on you, what happened?” I hear a small voice ask.

“Doctors are cunts; they probably rape patients on an everyday basis, who knows? Oh! And so are lawyers, fucking fuckballs…” she vacillates as if in a trance.

“But how, how,” I hear an insipid murmur. “How did it happen?”

“Fuck Nina, you’re just regurgitating the same shit over and over again, I was thinking about the story you wrote remember, about the rape…in the stables,” she reminds me.

I am quietened, I have no words. Yes I am dying to know how it happened, but I must not seem insensitive, as if at this point I can even feel anything. I think I officially know the meaning of hollow inside. I am guilty of writing that rape story in the stables, I am guilty, guilty…just hang me!

Once reminded of my creation of pain, I keep quiet; I know I have to pacify her, to give her some warmth. Why the fuck did I write that story? Oh Dadu, where are you now?

My mind is such a mess that right now even if Dadu appeared and spoke to me I could only materialize a vacuous stare.

Pull yourself together, that voice inside my head would just not shut up.

The scene playing in my mind, this movie I’m watching is boody nerve wracking. I want to shake this character Nina, the idiotic poet, phoo. What on Earth is her problem? Why can’t the bitch just hug her sister?

It’s as if the character in the film heard my cue. I see this Nina person slowly go up to her sister. She hugs her, it’s not a hug; it’s more of surrender. Zeenia had not expected this move, her rigid body turns limp, she surrenders to the power of human touch. The two sisters sob in each other’s arms, it’s perfect. The observer and the observed became one, for a second, I became Nina.

Nina, the writer; no big deal in a country where Chetan Bhagat is a best seller, it’s absolutely mundane now, being a writer that is. It’s officially the death of the intellectual. Besides what does this girl really write? Most would label her work as b.s, too grim, too existential (as if that’s a profanity), basically useless! Entertainment kahan gaya paaji? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yes I am a morose writer, a fucking retard, oh, and depressed retard!

Scream of infinite solitude,

Enmeshed in traffic of the soul,

A faint smile.

This kind of shit is running through my head, fuckity fuck!

The night drags on. It’s funny how when I have a pleasurable time, it’s gone before I can even quantify all the sensations I had felt; but when things go downhill, it’s like karma coming full-force to bite me in the ass.

Finally, we both stop sobbing!

Her voice is small, it’s in fact tiny!

I can barely hear it, although we’re so close.

“You know how fucked up this shit is, I went to consult him for that boob job, my producer finally gave me the cash…so I found him online and went ahead, those D cups were all I had in my head, I’m so fucked up, don’t shshhh me, I’m a dumb bitch. You told me not to go for it, but what was I to do. I needed bigger tits, for that fucking part. Fuck, shit’s really hit the roof. I’m fucked, fucked…” She says.

I have no response, my eyes are closed. I am not watching her face, just imagining her reactions.

I could see every single micro expression, every single movement of her jaws, of her eyes, how the lines creased in her face, I saw all the details without actually looking.

I taste Zeenia’s tears in my mouth or were they my own? I have no answers, I have just feelings. The nausea, the confusion is overwhelming and the emotions are transmigrating as words in my mind palace. I wish to document the pain of the dark night, there was an abundant amount of it and my psyche could not hold all.

I wait with bated breath for her to continue and it looks like Bhola did the same.

Her voice has a far off quality to it, like it echoes from some distant world. I listen as she continues.

“Don’t they have the bloody Hippocratic oath, practise medicine honestly, screw practising medicine, isn’t it absolutely unethical on so many grounds to sodomize your patient,” as she says this I realize she has stopped sobbing, so have I.

My eyes are still closed, I’m watching this scene as the abstract, fragmented film, all those extreme close ups to help the exposition along.

She moves away slowly, I just wait. Our embrace is broken, now we sit facing each other. I open my eyes, I see her eyes.

The pain in them is excruciating, it rips my heart apart. Looking into her eyes I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to pen down that emotion, that look will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Zeenia’s my baby sister, I came to the world five seconds earlier, so I’m the older sister; in any case I’ve acted like she was my choto bon.

Shey amar choto bon, boro adorer choto bon…yes, I would piss her off to no end when this song came out of my lips. Damn you Nina, cut out the didi complex, what’s with Bongs and didigiri?

And kobigiri? Kobi kobi bhab, chonder obhak. True that. What’s with all the poetry in my heart, it’d be better off being more prosaic, that’s what the world needs.

Anyway, I protected her, I supported her, I guided her; overall I performed all functions of an older sister as well as that of my mother. Dadu was always there, he was our guardian angel.

Sanity is returning slowly to me, I guess it’s the warmth from my sister’s hug. I’m inclined to ramble on, “Your tits are fine, and why did you even need to go to that asshole? I told you not to, you don’t need silicon in your tits to become an actor. You’re not a bimbo, you’re way better than that.”

Zeenu starts shrieking, “I know what you’re thinking, tell me, tell me. You think it’s my fault right?? You’re probably thinking of some fucking haiku right?”

“Nah re baba, how can it be your fault and no I’m not thinking of a fucking haiku?? Nah re shona, it is my fault. I should have insisted and when you didn’t listen I should have done something severe.”

“What severe? Tied me up?” Her voice takes on a lighter note.

“Probably, fuck knows.” A hint of a smile in my voice.

“I have made Dadu proud, gone and got myself raped.” She laughs cynically. Bhola gets excited to hear her laugh and barks loudly wagging his tail, she grabs him roughly and begins kissing him. What violent love!

“Dadu would have never judged you know that, although your desire for the film led to all this…” I murmur.

A slap is what I deserve; blurting this out was definitely not the right move.

“Desire is the root of all suffering he would say,” she smiles.

I think this night will never end and I don’t know when we passed out on the floor listening to Bob Marley- No woman no cry.

The mind is a funny mechanism, it does not remember everything, yet everything is tucked away neatly in some kind of mind palace. We remember things selectively, otherwise we’d go stark raving mad!

The scene begins to fade away, like a slow fade out. And I remember typing lines on to my laptop…

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

The lines disappear…

Another more menacing scene replaces this one. It has an ominous overture; the sound of water fills my ears.

You know the sound of water running in a shower.

Zeenia is inside and she is scrubbing herself furiously. We’ve lost the court case, after months of painful hours spent in court, the verdict is out. Dr. V is officially not guilty. It’s somehow proven that my sister’s the slut, apparently they had consensual sex. So the case is blown to dust, like a lamp extinguished with a puff.

That night will be embedded in my psyche forever. We’ve returned home after another god-awful day at court, and today was the last day. We have lost in the Mumbai high court. We may decide to challenge the verdict in Supreme Court, but that’s something we’ve got to decide together. For tonight, it is just silence I seek.

Melissa is Zeenia’s partner, they seem to be in love. I quite like her, the girl seems to have her head on her shoulders.

We were talking softly about nothing exceptional, in fact I did not even want to talk, but had to, Mel needed to talk and I was there.

So we spoke, sipping coffee and taking turns to pet Bhola.

I had insisted that Zeenia leave her bathroom door open, she had one too many episodes recently. The breakdown of her psyche bit by bit was becoming more evident and today in court I saw the look in her eyes- the look of defeat. It broke my heart.

I heard the water run in the shower and the words to her favourite song floated out. We kept on talking, the water kept running, the beats marched on. It was as if time was set in a loop. I registered nothing from the conversation with Melissa, I’m sure she didn’t either; we were both trying to keep from breaking down.

Then she politely asked us to leave her alone and went for a bath which seemed like ages. We also wrapped up and I went to see her to kiss her goodnight. Yes she was in bed, smelling wonderful, hugging Bhola. Kissing her I left, Mel went into the shower, finished up and crawled into bed.

That night I saw baba and ma in a dream, it was prophetic. I ran after being woken up by my dream and the thoughts that followed. I went into her room.

 

The air had turned chilly, if that was even possible in a city like Bombay; and I miss you like the deserts miss the rain, said the song.

We ran. I saw this happening in slow motion. My life in film- we ran to the bed, and what I had expected greeted my eyes.

She lay on the bed, all snugly hugging her Bhola who was not making any noise.

Mel shrieked Frank ran in; I don’t know what happened after that. Some sort of primeval hardwiring in my brain took care of things.

Zeenia’s mouth was wiped dry, she had to be changed into jeans and a sweatshirt; after cleaning her up, her clothes sat snugly on her body as we put her down in the couch.

I remember seeing her face, all the troubles had vanished, and she seemed to be in deep sleep. I remember Dadu singing “Amaro shone chandero kona, bhubone tulona nai re…”

He sang this song sometimes; it was apparently our mother’s favourite, her mother would sing it to her when she was a child.

Where is she? I barely remember her now, but she’s there somewhere in my psyche; sometimes I hear her sing, her smell, her touch, for a micro second I remember.

Today she had come to see me, in my dream. She had told me something which made absolutely sense- you are her, she is you…

The reality was beginning to fragment again, my head was spinning and I could hardly focus as parts of my dream danced around my mind.

I imagined her last moments; she kept her pills hidden somewhere, maybe in the cistern. I see her take out a fistful, while her tears and water all get mixed up, you’d know she’s crying if only you watched the agony on her face.

She stuffs the pills in her mouth, chokes on them but swallows them down. Reflex action, she feels like throwing up. But she clutches her mouth, forcing them down.

I cut back in my mind to another scene, we’re sitting in the bathroom floor, she’s fallen flat on her face, she’s hurt, purple blue bruises adorn her face.

“Please Zeenu, stop taking this shit. Are you trying to leave me alone, do you want to kill yourself?” I tell her.

Suddenly a smile breaks free from all this torment; she whispers softly, her voice like silk.

“Nina to be something I am not is also a form of suicide, listen I want to hand in my resignation from this fucked up life, before I get fired.”

I hear her laugh softly as if this idea had amused her.

“Quite the philosopher, to be or not to be,” I say.

“Has always been the question,” she says definitively.

“Don’t do anything stupid ok, remember what Dadu would say, all this shit is unreal.” She sensed the urgency; the request in my voice touched her somewhere I know.

She looked at me long and hard, “I’m the fucking poster girl for stupid at this moment,” She thinks, probably about Dadu as her face softens. “I doubt Dadu would quite put it like that, but I get the gist.”

We sit in silence on the cold, wet tiles, we embraced our tears instead of suppressing them and calm washed over us.

“Some fucked up illusion this is…why can’t something good happen to me for a change? She blurts out; I feel her heartache. “At least your Muffin has nine lives right, can’t he give me a couple?”

I smile. Do cats have nine lives?

Mel is touching my hands, she is trying to bring me back to the present moment. I cut back to the scene in front- my sister’s body is stone cold, she finally did the “stupid” thing.

Was it so stupid after all? My grandmother also handed her resignation and so had her father; after all we share the same mitochondrial DNA.

Somehow this incident had made Zeenia hate herself, it made her hopeless; I did not understand what could make her as full of despair as to end her life, not just hers, but end our lives.

After Dadu’s passing, she is, I mean was all I had. I’m still not used to referring to her in the past.

I can still feel her vibrations; our feelings exist as vibration along the nervous system and we feel what another feels. I feel my sister.

I hear the sound of an approaching ambulance; she will be taken away soon. Bhola is whining, his tail stiff and he just keeps licking Zeenu’s hands.

Mel was ready when they walked in, thankfully she sorted everything out. She tugged at my hands and nodded, signalling it was time to move.

I got up zombified, it was time.

The journey to the hospital is hazy, a blur in my mind.

I remember her body being carried in a stretcher, with tubes all over her nostrils and face.

What the hell were they doing to her?

It looked to me like some scene from a D-grade horror; hospitals sicken me to the core. It’s a bloody phobia-

Nosocomephobia!

I had this phobia all along which is why I had googled it; it was at least a comfort to know I am not alone.

They say that the fear essentially arises from the fact that one has no control over their lives once admitted.

A control freak, I’m not! It didn’t take me long to realize that nothing is under control and in fact nothing can ever be.

All I can recollect is sitting on a steel bench in the corridor; it’s flooded with lights, the walls are white, and everything smells disgusting! The Doctors in their garbs, mouths covered, the nurses in their uniforms, hair tied severely in a bun, they all looked scary and ugly; all the action was happening in slow motion and it looked like they were experimenting on humans. Maybe they’re aliens, who even knows?

Something about the smell in a hospital, a mix of Dettol, bleach, blood, sweat, puke and faeces; you can also smell the fear, the anxiety, the devastation disease and bodily suffering brings.

And then it just goes blank- fade to black.

Nothing else exists- not matter which is just a form of energy in a matrix of probability.

I see Dadu, his big, white beard swaying in the dark; a fire seems to burn in front of him, I can hear the wood crackle, I can see the fire dance in his eyes. He begins to look like someone not quite like Dadu, but he is him.

Dadu’s face began to morph into the face of Sanyal Mahasaya, his gurudeva. I knew that face only too well; it had been a part of my life as seeing it as the first thing in the morning cemented that face forever in my brain.

Sanyal Mahasaya looked wrathful, fearsome and terrifying. His voice was booing in my head, “Actions or karma can cause bondage, it can also liberate, in the one BEING, the ONE ALL, everything is connected to every other thing. Good and evil are subjective…the Universe is both positive and negative, like the atoms bouncing in your body…it is the whole series of contrasted qualities- NOTHING IS PURE GOOD OR PURE EVIL.”

I saw her face again; the song is playing louder now that the monologue is over, like the sound designer turned it up a notch!

“Now you’ve disappeared somewhere,

Like outer space,

You’ve found some better place

And I miss you…

Like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead…

By now the words had begun to scream at me- could you be dead??

It hit me hard- she is dead!!!

I will never hold her again, I will never laugh with her again, never share my life with her again; the same way I can never see Ma or baba or dadu.

It’s over, finito, kaput!!!

I see her again, frothing from the mouth, her body all twisted and blue from the poison, I feel the nausea swimming in my head.

I think about the observer’s paradox, this concept that the observer decides what to observe. What if I am observing all the wrong things??? There are infinite probabilities, so why is this option playing itself out??

Am I in some bizarre twisted way responsible for this? Can I take the blame for this?

I am ready to do pretty much anything at this point to suppress this immense pain; absolutely anything! Muffin where are you?

I’ve got to write, the words are coming, but not as fast as I’d like them to.

I shout, I see it, I hear it,

The pain, the atrocity, it exists….

In me…

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Om Tare Tu Tare Ture Soha~~

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Who is Tara? Tara is the second manifestation of the MOTHER MATRIX and a part of DASAMAHAVIDYA. She is also refereed to as BHAVATARINI, as in she helps cross over this samsaric ocean.

Each MAHAVIDYA or aspect of the DEVI is related to a planet. TARA rules over JUPITER, the planet of good luck and EXPANSION!

Tara is the very embodiment of LOVE and she is the very same as KALI and KAMAKHYA according to the YOGINI TANTRA.

In Tantric literature, there are three manifestations of Tara~~ Eka Jata, who manifests as Kaivalya(ULTIMATE PEACE) or unity with the Absolute; Ugra Tara, who protects us from the miseries of existence and Nila Saraswati, who imparts Jnana or knowledge.

Tara is the presiding Goddess of Speech and the Shakti of Hiranya Garba Saura Brahma. Hiranyagarbha being a Sanskrit compound meaning “the Golden Egg” or “the Egg of imperishable matter.”

In Hindu cosmology, it refers to “the golden egg or womb” from which the universe was born. In the Vedas and Brahmanas, Brahma is not named, and Hiranyagarbha was the source of all things. In the Manusamhita, Hiranyagarbha was Brahma, who divided the egg into two parts, the heavens and the earth.

H.P.B refers to Hiranyagarbha as the MUNDANE EGG, androgynous or non-dual, after which it was divided into Viraj and Vach, the male and female principles. The Secret Doctrine’s Stanzas of DZYAN state that the Hiranyagarbha is in itself triple (Hiranyagarbha, Sakti, Sankara, or Brahma, Vishnu and Siva).

Tara is the very essence of all THREE- the TRINITY! And will in time bring about SURYA PRALAYA.

Pralaya (devanāgarī: प्रलय) is a Sanskrit word that means “dissolution” or “melting away” (from laya: “to dissolve” and pra “away”). In Hinduism it refers to a period where the universe is in a state of non-existence, which happens when the three gunas or qualities of matter are in perfect balance. The idea of pralaya is part of a cyclic model of the universe (present in several Eastern philosophies as well as in Theosophy) where the cosmos is said to appear and disappear regularly within the Absolute Reality:

As the sun arises every morning on our objective horizon out of its (to us) subjective and antipodal space, so does the Universe emerge periodically on the plane of objectivity, issuing from that of subjectivity—the antipodes of the former. This is the “Cycle of Life.” And as the sun disappears from our horizon, so does the Universe disappear at regular periods, when the “Universal night” sets in. The Hindoos call such alternations the “Days and Nights of Brahma,” or the time of Manvantara and that of Pralaya (dissolution). The Westerns may call them Universal Days and Nights if they prefer.

~~Theosophy Wiki

What is a SURYA or SOLAR PRALAYA?

A solar pralaya comes when seven Planetary Chains have been accomplished:

Within one solar period (of a p[ralaya]. and m[anvantara].) occur seven such minor periods [rounds], in an ascending scale of progressive development. . . . The solar period [is composed] of 49 rounds.

~~Theosophy Wiki

While immersing oneself in Tara sadhana, you must remember that you are calling upon the ULTIMATE FEMININE MANIFESTATION OF POWER, therefore be prepared to immerse yourself in her literature and dhyana or meditation.

When Tara is invoked successfully, we can truly see ourselves as the GREAT EXPRESSION OF DIVINITY we truly are. Creativity is supercharged when she is awakened in our beings. It is believed that Vyasa who wrote the Vedas wanted to immerse himself in Tara worship.

He tried and he tried, to no avail. Therefore he travels to Mahachina(Tibet), met Shakyamuni Buddha(yes the ORIGINAL dude) and learnt to invoke Tara correctly. He worked on the eighteen Mahapuranas after invoking the Tara energy. It was her grace.

Tara is above Maya as she is the CREATRIX of it all. One can achieve all material success with her grace, but she is the GREAT LIBERATOR. As in she shows us the way out of this MAYA or the GREAT ILLUSION.

Tara is surrounded by eight Yoginis: Mahakali, Rudrani, Ugra, Bhima, Ghira, Bhramari, Maharatri and Bhairavi. The Hindu Mahavidya Goddess Tara figures prominently in Tibetian Bhuddhism- VAJRAYANA BUDDHISM.

No one can be certain as to who invoked Tara first- Bengal  or Tibet? In Bengal(where I come from, the very heart of Tantra) Mahavidya texts such as Mahabhagavata-purana and Brhaddharma-purana originated and the SHAKTA or devi worship is very much a part of our psyche. Bengal is one state which practices no FEMALE FOETICIDE as we see our daughters as expressions of the GODDESS.

Bengalis are true FEMININE ENERGY worshippers and we birthed many refined forms of Goddess worship. Tibetan Buddhism had twenty forms of Tara. Of this White and Green Tara are popular. OM TARE TU TARE TURE SOHA!

I love Tara with all my heart, whether she is in Hindu form or Buddhist. I practice a lot of Vajraya meditations, so Green and White Tara are my absolute favourites. Black Tara provides hardcore protection if you need that and Blue Tara is NILA SARASWATI, a very esoteric form of Saraswati and the PATRON OF ARTS.

I have been invoking TARA since I have been a child and she has never failed to interact with me. She does so through numbers, colours, scents, memories and sometimes dreams. She is my companion when I enter meditation and I never leave my bed without saying the Tara Gayatri.

Aum Tarawai cha vidmahe

Maha ugrawai dhimahi

Tanno devi prachodayat.

 

These devotional or Shakta songs dedicated to Tara have made me cry and laugh so many times. They have such deep meaning and such musings…SUBLIME!!!

SHREE TARA STOTRA

!! Ghora roope mahamaaye sarvashatruvashamkari
Bhaktebhyo varade devi traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (1)

!! Suraasuraarchite devi siddhagandharva sevithe 
jaadyapaapahare devi traahimaam sharanaagatham !! (2) 

!! Jattajoota samaayukthe lola jihvaanukaarini
druthabuddhikare devi traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (3)

!! Soumyaroope ghoraroope chandaroope namostute
srishttiroope namstubhyam traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (4)

!! Jadanaam jadathaam hamsi bakthaanam bakthavatsale
moodatha har me devi traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (5)

!! Hum humkaarmaye devi balihomapriye namah
ugratare namstubhyam traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (6)

!! Ashttamyaam cha chaturdashyaam navamyaam chaikamanasa
shannmaasaei siddhimaapnoti naatra kaarya vichaaranaa !! (7)

!! Budhim dehi yasho dehi kavitvam dehi dehi me
kubudhi har me devi traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (8)

!! Indraadi devisha vrindavandite karunaamayi
tare taradhinaadhaasye traahi maam sharanaagatham !! (9)

!! Mokshaarthim labathe moksham dhanaarthim danamaapnuyaat
vidhyaarthim labhate vidhyaam tarkavyaakaranaadikaam !! (10)

!! Idam stotram padedhyasthu saubhaghyam labhate nara
tasya shatru kshayam yaati mahapragya cha jaayate !! (`11)

!! Peedaayaam vaapi samgraame japye daane tadhaa bhaye
ya idam padathi stotram shubham tasya na samshaya !! (12)

!! Stotrennanena deveshi stutva devim sureshvareem
sarvaan kaamanavapnoti sarvavidyaanidhirbhavet !! (13)

!! Iti te kadhitam divyam stotram saarasvathapradam
asmaat parataram naasthim stotra tantre maheshvari !! (14)

Namaste!

http://www.tinaheals.com

tina@tinaheals.com

The Wolf Goddess~~

What a sight you are!

A true Goddess of your own creation.

The holy red gushes down your legs.

You stand naked, bare breasted.

The defiance in your eyes.

The slight smile on your lips.

They magnetic sway of your hips.

They ridicule you and laugh at you.

Your raw power scares them.

You know how to CONNECT.

You know how to join together.

You are a natural leader.

And that scares them.

They call you a sinner.

Never will you be a saint.

Even if you have fed the last morsel to them.

They have burnt you over and over.

But from those ashes have you arisen…

Again and again.

With different names.

In different countries and cultures.

The guilt they have bred in us,

Is not to be found in you.

The palpable fear is also absent.

For you seek no validation from them.

You don’t care to play by their rules.

Holiness in every ounce of your blood.

Every Goddess of every culture,

They reside in your body.

You are holy, the Creatrix!

You are not afraid of pleasure.

You know what to do with pain.

You are here to liberate other sisters.

You are not looking for personal gain.

Never have you controlled the urges,

That women have been taught to do.

Instead you have transmuted them into alchemy.

You have transformed them into divine inspiration.

You have ignited the fires of passion.

And made magic with the man you held.

For a God he was when you made love to him.

You are his Goddess.

You are  our Goddess.

Your mission is to tell the others.

To activate the powers of the Womb.

This FEM-FORCE will steer us into a new awareness.

Let them worship the sacred blood of your menstruation.

For that is the only atonement from their end.

To have defiled and demonised the sacred life force of the menstrual blood.

They say you are a whore.

What does it matter if you are Madonna or a whore?

They have raped, pillaged and tortured,

The mother, maiden and the crone.

No one is safe.

They will find the Wild Ones.

Silenced they must be.

But how can they be shut for life?

In their voices is the fem-force of life and death.

We will be told we are evil.

We will be told our magick is for the devil.

The Devil is but Lucifer, the bringer of Truth.

The apple is the process of initiation.

It is you, yes you as Eve,

Who initiated Adam.

It is you Sita, who burned Rama’s sins,

In the fire of your sacrifice.

Wild Woman you will make us eat time and again,

From that sweet apple of knowledge and passion.

Run like a She-wolf and howl at the moon.

You are the Matriarch, the very crux of civilisation.

Tonight under the Full Moon, you will rub the damp earth on your body.

And make love to the Earth.

She is as wild as you are.

Soul lovers through infinities.

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Image by Alexandra Banti

 

Bagalamukhi Invocation and Prayer

“The symbol of Goddess gives us permission. She teaches us to embrace the holiness of every natural, ordinary, sensual dying moment. Patriarchy may try to negate body and flee earth with its constant heartbeat of death, but Goddess forces us back to embrace them, to take our human life in our arms and clasp it for the divine life it is – the nice, sanitary, harmonious moment as well as the painful, dark, splintered ones.

If such a consciousness truly is set loose in the world, nothing will be the same. It will free us to be in a sacred body, on a sacred planet, in sacred communion with all of it. It will infect the universe with holiness. We will discover the Divine deep within the earth and the cells of our bodies, and we will lover her there with all our hearts and all our souls and all our minds.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

What powerful words! How true they ring to my ears.

I have always been a worshipper of the Dasamahavidya and have used these ten archetypes to meditate on and gain clarity and wisdom. Invoking the Devis have changed my life completely every time, with every prayer and every invocation. In fact my latest obsession is to create a tarot deck on the Mahavidyas, the great Tantric Goddesses.

Yes I speak to my Goddesses who come to me in different forms. They play with me, teach me, love me and are a HUGE part of my life. But then so is Mary Magdalene whom I meditate upon and invoke as well, like Ishtar, Diana, Freya and many more.

I have been lucky to have performed many Bagalamukhi homas, Mahakala and Chinnamasta homa as well with Dhumavati beej. Ok this is probably sounding gibberish to you. But please don’t flake off.

Hang on! There is much to be gained today when we invoke the Goddess archetype into our lives. And I introduce to you Maa Bagalamukhi who is one of my favourites. In fact I have been initiated into her sadhana for a few years now by one of the most eminent sadhaks alive today.

I am going to simplify her Sanskrit long prayer, give you her beeja and explain her worship. But I have adapted her worship and it might seem totally different from Bagala sadhana practised conventionally.

Some of you may be aware that the occult Navaratri is taking place now. Nine when when ten aspects of the DIVINE MOTHER are venerated. These “aspects” are Kali, Tara, Shodoshi, Bhubaneshwari, Bharavi, Chinnamasta, Dhumavati, Bagala, Matangi and Kamala. Don’t worry about the names, you can google them up in your leisure, but just concentrate on Bagala for now.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagalamukhi

That is the Wiki article. Peruse through it and get to know her.

You can sage your house and create your sacred space. You may use her image on your altar or you might use any golden stone like Pyrite. You can also use her Yantra which is the representation of this energy in a sacred geometry pattern.

After you have created your space and brought your psychic energy to full focus on whatever object you are using to invoke this energy. Start by invoking Ganapati by saying Om Vakratundaya Hum!

Then keep reciting Ling as many times as you like. Ling is her sacred beeja or seed sound. Ling! Keep saying it and notice how you feel. Close you eyes and say it. Say it loud and feel the vibrations inside your body. Whisper it and feel the resonance and also chant it silently. Try to feel the vibrations deep inside.

After a certain time, you will begin to vibrate with energy. The Goddess would have entered your consciousness through the symbol you are choosing to activate. Just remember to observe the feelings inside as you keep saying ling.

You may or may not use vermillion and til seeds, sandal wood powder and flowers to offer while you keep chanting ling. Once the ling is vibrating inside, then sit in silence. You can close your eyes and call the Goddess. You may have an internal dialogue with her.

After you have bathed in the Goddes energy, begin to sing hymns. You can do it as a recitation or just say it mentally.

Start by saying- Om Ling Bagalamukhing divyayi svaha!

That is her moola mantra as in her invocation phrase.

Om Hleem Bagalaamukhi Sarvadushtaanaam Vaacham Mukham Padam Stambhay Jihvaam Keelay keelay Buddhim nashaaya ling Om Swaha ।

Now say the following prayer…

Goddess Bagala I invoke you to protect me from all obstacles.

May all negative words about me stop, may all negative actions against me be stopped, May I never sway towards negative ways and may all negative attention on me cease.

May all negatives be reversed into positives.

May all my DIS-eases be ended.

May I serve the Earth and all her denizens with a selfless heart.

Chant ling again, as many times as you want.

Then sit in silence after lighting a yellow candle. Carve Ling in it if possible.

Sit and watch the candle burn. Feel the presence of the Goddess with you.

May she bless you and all of the Universe!

Email me if you have any questions…

tina@tinaheals.com

http://www.tinaheals.com

Bagalamukhi by Mattias Fahlberg

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Facilitate Spirit-CONNECTION! Mars sextiles Neptune!

I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness; I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too. I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquillity will return once more… Anne Frank

My sweeties I don’t have a better way to begin this convo today. The quote above sums it up pretty fucking decently. The last few days have been so charged with fertile chaotic energy and for me it brought about ancient karmic connections. Someone from many, many past lives walked right back in. It has been so hectic, meeting people. Yes lovelies, people from my past.

Just last night I had this amazing dinner and long-drawn out convo with an old friend who also happens to be from a famous Bollywood family. The convo was about U.G and Jiddu Krishnamurthi, Archetypes and primordial memory! And of course there were convos about old actors, directors, huge movie stars and the whole industry in general. Acid trips and Vipasana. Venus in retro does leave such astounding gems for us to glean and if we manage to obtain what we are meant to, then we are infinitely wiser. Even though we may not realise it that moment. Sometimes it takes people a whole Venus cycle to reconnect the dots.

See Venus in retro is making me revalue all my ideas and notions regarding concepts of art, cinema, beauty, finances. I mean, I have worked in the media industry for over a decade and am still very much a part of it. I have been finding closure or answers or more questions to concepts regarding these matters. I have been reevaluating my own constructs that I have created. I am sure all of you are going through these same self enquiries. I know collectively we are seriously looking into matters Venusian and this time with an introverted lens. We are journeying inside with these concepts and letting our intuition guide us.

Cinema is ruled by Neptune, the ruler of Pisces. So the topic of cinema pops up. Today there is a dreamy cinematic quality to life that you can tune into. Yes the authorship of today’s events is in your hands and boy can you make it MAGICK!

Mars in Taurus sextiles Neptune(look up your time zone) and suddenly boof! Our spiritual sensitivities are stirred. You wake up with a dreamy feeling. Your antennae are picking up vibrations from some sort of fairy tale world. Your very own fairy tale. You forget that you are a debt slave, working nine to five to pay off EMIS and other loans. You forget that you have to drive to work for an hour and a half through crowded city traffic. You forget that you are a slave to money. You shed off the incessant need to try to be NUMBER FUCKING 1.

No! You relinquish all that madness. You find a moment, far from the madding crowd and you light a candle in your heart. This day is full of potential for empathy and kindness. Why don’t you find a suitable way to explore this theme, but remember to keep it spiritual as Neptune will have you do.

If you can make everything in front of you SPIRITUAL, then the battle is won. You have created an infinity-sacred-space! If you decide to meditate today, then consciously send out healing energy to the whole world. See the love radiating from your heart chakra and kiss it forward. To help and heal. To be the balm that people need. You need to be the Goddess and the Hero today. You need to create your very own heaven. If you need a Yidam or a deity to concentrate upon, then you can invoke Blue Tara or Nila Saraswati today. Blue because of the Neptunian influence.

The Blue Tara is very effective to quell anger. She is called Ekajati and is an emanation of wrathful feminine energy. She can transmute bad karma into swift spiritual awakening. Therefore she suggested herself to me. Use her energies. Chant her mantra- OM) BHIM TARE VRIM. Visualise her as sapphire blue.

You can use lapis lazzuli or blue sapphire. Although before you don a sapphire, I would suggest you get your natal chart looked at by a gem therapist who will see Saturn’s placement before you can wear it. I have seen contradictory results with the use of sapphire. In my own life.

The position for today will be the TREE POSE! This will bring the necessary equilibrium you need. Still your mind and body in unison. Place the crystal near your heart chakra while you perform this.

I leave you with a very potent number- 719 481 71. This number will manifest your plans and thoughts into tangible reality. Write it on your left wrist, recite it mentally or just carry it in your wallet.

Thank You!

Namaste!

Email me- tina@tinaheals.com

nmaires41315

 

 

 

 

Seductive Scorpio Moon:Open up to feelings!

“Holding the hand of your woman or man, why not sit silently? Why not close your eyes and feel? Feel the presence of the other, enter into the presence of the other, let the other’s presence enter into you; vibrate together, sway together; if suddenly a great energy possesses you, dance together – and you will reach to such orgasmic peaks of joy as you have never known before. Those orgasmic peaks have nothing to do with sex, in fact they have much to do with silence. And if you can also manage to become meditative in your sex life, if you can be silent while making love, in a kind of dance, you will be surprised. You have a built-in process to take you to the farthest shore.” …Osho

Sexual desires and longing are peaking in many individuals. I have been unable to update my blog at the sudden influx of people who wanted to consult me for my Sacred Sexuality Meditation Modules. And this feeling is not just about feeling horny or salacious. This deep ache that you feel down there will not be satiated with mindless unconscious sex. No!

This sexual craving under a Scorpionic moon that is sextiling Pluto is screaming out for healing. For greater awareness. For conscious sex. If you’re guilty or ashamed when thinking of sex, then understand that it is a deep rooted cultural thingy. You are not abnormal, no matter what your mind conceives of. No bestiality or paedophilia included. No harm. No rape. When two or more consenting adults get together and explore their sexual feelings and fantasies, they are opening channels to profound healing. Sex is not an aberration! In fact it is the very fundamental basis of physical existence. Where would we be without copulation?

So under this sexy and sultry Scorpio moon try not to repress your sexual feelings. In fact clear your mind, keep your spine erect and let your mind wander. Watch what really turns you on. Do not shame yourself, do not blame yourself. If you want to hurt someone during sex, then please consult a Psychiatrist.

I am not referring to the BDSM subculture. Being a Top is actually hardcore responsibility and the Mistress is essentially a mentor, lifecoach and shrink rolled into one. That is how the Tops perceive it. Quoting from kinksters round the world.

So let the Moon do what it does best…let it heal you with a little bit of energy from the Pluto sextile! Pluto is going to bring transformation if you allow it to, in your sex life. Awaken to the potential of human energy. Understand the sex creates massive energy and that can be channelled into a tool for awakening and conscious living.

If you want to be aware of spiritual sexual ecstasies, then you might want to look into sex as a meditative practice. It is imperative our society understands the necessity and importance of a healthy sexually empowered culture. It is not just linear sex with orgasm that will awaken us to our sexual potential. No!

Our sexual energy is a part of our ojas, or Chi or life force. To reach your fullest potential, you must be able to move this sexual energy throughout your body. Repressed longings create blockages that can result in abnormal, unhealthy sexual appetites. Entities will prey on you and you will become a voracious sex machine. Even if you are single and a monk, what will you do with your sexual energy? They learn to transmute those feelings into meditation.

But what of ordinary people? WTF are they supposed to do? Who do they talk to without being judged. Listen it is absolutely necessary for your psychological well being to discuss your sexual feelings with your partner. If you are unable to do so or are single, then consult a professional. You can always ping me if you have specific questions.

How can I practice sacred sexuality of I am single? I get asked this a lot. Let me explain…you do not need a partner to be a LOVER! Sexual energy is running through our bodies, through our nadis or subtle channels. And that energy if tapped can make you powerful, confident and sexy. A woman in control of her sexuality is a magnetic being! She owns her space wherever she goes.

So are you ready to take ownership of your sex life? Do you want to learn to ground that scattered sexual energy? Then begin the journey of exploration…our sexual energy is a part of the cosmic sexual exchange between the primordial male/female polarity. That is why Shiva is represented as the lingam and the yoni which is the symbol of the Devi’s vagina is at the base! The pussy is a microscopic representation of the cosmic pussy!

Moon is quincunx to Uranus in Aries and Eris. Eris is a dwarf planet discovered in 2005, and there are two Eris’ in myths. The second Eris is the bloodthirsty sister of Ares or Aries. So I was reading this astro blog and in the comments below I read that when an astrologer was asked, “What is beyond archetype”, he said Eris! See how Eris is a symbol of what is beyond knowing…metaknowledge! metawisdom! Real feelings, some of them scary as shit will be stirred up, but it might teach us to integrate this meta sexual wisdom and come TOGETHER to become WHOLE in your individual wholeness!! Healing can occur, but there could be toxic volcanic eruptions of anger and violence! There will be a tendency to play the blame game! Don’t we all just love it!

The other interesting alignment is Moon trines CHIRON in PISCES! Yes Chiron the wounded healer is involved and whenever that happens deep, deep, deep issues can be healed. Depends on your natal chart of course, but this could be pivotal in breaking through sexual myths and taboos.
Working with countless women in groups and individual sessions I learnt that women have a  great deal of misconception around the subject of orgasm. There is shame and secret suffering because they cannot open up to their partners and 50% of women fake orgasm, stats say.
What has mainstream religion taught us? Sex is immoral! Sex must be demonised, judged severely and repressed. We have been told repeatedly that if you are a sexual being then forget about spirituality. Because the two are as apart as oranges and apples! Fuck why?
That is why there is no sensitive, intelligent sex ed in our society. Let’s not even get into discussing the sorry state of sex politics in India. Let us not waste time. Kids learn about sex from dubious sources and often fall into traps and exploitation. Some get pregnant, some get infected. I mean look around…you have to be blind not to notice it! Yet the internet is a storehouse of porn. Abnormal, disconnected, soulless porn.
I have to mention that I want people to create more art and films that deal with sexual themes that keep in mind our real experiences and potentials in bed. Let us not get carried away by what we see on screen, because reality is far superior. If you scrutinise porn with awareness and clarity you will see it is propagating a culture of idiocracy. Sadly it is teaching our children what to expect during copulation! So kids are learning nothing about intimacy, affection, foreplay or connection. They are caught in the linear narrative of sex which is psychologically and emotionally damaging to the impressionable young who are desperate to learn about sex. I know I was.

Listen it is okay to be bipolar sometimes as long as you are ready to purge and move on. Just don’t hold onto baggage you don’t need. This Scorpionic moon is offering healing…but there is a prerequisite! FEELING!!!

No Cogito Ergo Sum is going to save us. In no way am I trying to demean the intellectual processes, but the need of the hour is FEELING! Raw, unedited, untainted feelings…Oh did I tell you that the Scorpio moon trines Pisces sun!

How much more mystical can you get! How much more can the Universe tell you that FEEL…it is okay and safe!! Use the number 519 916 if you want to energise your sex life. Write it with pink or purple on your left wrist. And remember to practice eye gazing with  your partner every day, at least for five minutes….watch how the floodgates of your feelings explode!

Hear it from the Boss…

“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings — always darker, emptier and simpler.”― Friedrich Nietzsche

Are you going to do some sexual healing utilising all the energies available? Are you ready to step into the shoes of an awakened sexual being? Then it is time to let go…of all inhibitions and enter into the yabyum state with your partner.

I have a deep spiritual background and have tried to look at every experience with a spiritual lens. Sex is no different. In my Sacred Sexuality Workshops I use ancient temple arts, modern psychology, shamanic practices that re-programme our neurological conditioning to let go of destructive beliefs and conditioning.

The crystal I want you to use is the Lapis Lazuli…the azure blue is swimming in my consciousness…teya te aum bekanze bekanze maha bekanze, razda samyongate soha!! Salutations to the Medicine Buddha and Guru Padmasambhava!

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Thank you for reading..

You can email me at tina@tinaheals.com

http://www.tinaheals.com