Energy Update~Channelled writing

I have been feeling extremely charged with cosmic energy the last few weeks. The Lionsgate Activation, the NM on my birthday in Leo on the 23rd of July, then the FM on my partner’s sign and now the eclipse on my natal Saturn.

Now forget the astro…

BE MENTALLY ACTIVE AT ALL TIMES NOW.

The Solar flares have been insane and other celestial entities are also vroooming the Earth with massive loads of energy. The spirits, fairies, angels or whatever you call them are out and about.

The retrograde planets are adding to the drama and in two days Merc stations retro and is now in shadow! Fuck! Merc in the shadow period is DEADLY and most mistakes happen now.

Listen my Beloved, the energies will only intensify, so please stay connected to whatever or whoever raises your frequency. This is not the time to be fixated on something or someone that brings down your resonance. This is not the time…

Find your MUSE! This is a creativity overflow- so tap into it. Make love to someone beautiful. Your UNCONSCIOUS is rife with material…use it, help us all. Working with ANIMAL and PLANT SOULS can be sooooo healing right now.

The Activation of this portal made me think of my Lion, my Twinflame and what can I say….such profound memories and vibes penetrated deep in me that I know he feels me too. He knows me and is thinking of me as much as I of him. But probably in another dimension. In another parallel world?

The other day, someone from Russia(another psychic) told me that she thinks my twinflame is reading my writing and that got me thinking…

Maybe I should write an open letter to him. He might read it in another DAUGHTER UNIVERSE. Ha!

Okay now listen…

I was listening to all these NASA audios of the planets and while invoking Saturn, I was listening to the sounds he makes and then suddenly, I lost consciousness. I was in another dimension and I do not remember anything.

But listen…what I discovered is that there is a HUGE AMOUNT OF ENERGY coming from the GALACTIC CENTRE WHERE SATURN IS RETROGRADE.

Of course our SPIRITUAL SUN is illumining the collective consciousness with all these bombardments. My Beloved…

There is no place to hide now…

There is also a BLACK HOLE at the centre of the MILKY WAY and there is so much happening put there that we humans who are like ants to these heavenly giants are also feeling it strongly.

Do you know Andromeda is cannibalising the milky way?

https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/milky-way-collide.html

My SPIRITUAL GUIDES tell me that there is imbalance right now in our neck of the woods(eh cosmos?)

Listen, all energy workers are going crazy, because some of us are really not ready to deal with this type of work. It can drive you crazy.

But this is no time to hide.

Listen…

These intense waves of energy is literally made me feel so tuned in and charged that it is hard to explain in words. I feel so orgasmic, so many times without any sexual stimulation. I know the energy is working all the time. Sexual energy is the very crux of creative power.

Now how can I explain the feeling I have been having since my birthday?

There is a humming I hear at times, sounds a bit like a deep OM. Then there are sudden pressure waves that attack my frontal lobe. Headaches, no I do not think they can be called that….whatever these feelings are, whatever is going on in my brain is stupendous.

Sometimes the process is becoming painful and there is strife. It is easy to provoke me now. I am in a state of nostalgia. I don’t know for what or who.

My THROAT CHAKRA and my SOLAR PLEXUS are supremely active.

And on top of that I began to bleed a day before the Aquarius FM. I always bleed with the cycles of the Moon. And my psychic visions are much more powerful when I bleed.

If the pressure gets too much ground yourself.

Hug a tree.

If nothing else works and you need a friend, pm me.

The frequency is rising and the time is coming…

For twinflames to meet…

Oh and do not get upset by your body…

No matter what happens, love your body. This message is not just for my sisters, it applies to my brothers out there too. Thank your body. Talk to it and show it love. Touch yourself sensually as you would a lover. Learn what makes your body tick, so when you join with your twinflame you know WHAT FEELS RIGHT.

Triggers, triggers, triggers…everywhere…CONFRONT YOUR FEARS. Think of what matters.

Don’t cave in. Don’t succumb. Don’t lose yourself.

There was such a profound sadness I felt during the eclipse. That night I dreamt of the cremation grounds. That night I saw myself sitting alone, in front of the flames and breathing.

Yes there was fear in me, but there was also a calm. Slowly watching the fire dance, I realised that fear and calm had become ONE. The flames were flickering and distorted sounds were coming to my ears. Chants, mantras, voices from my past…

Then I saw Ramnath Aghori baba, who is known to be one of the supremely realised yogis from the NATH AGHORA tradition. He has been guiding my journey since the Maha Kumbh mela of 2010.

Ramnath baba was sitting opposite and in his hands, there was the DUMRU. Yes the dumru of Shiva. I heard the primordial NADA or sound of the dumroo and still now I as I write my body is full of goose bumps.

I saw Baba Ramnath take so many shapes- Gorakhnath, Matsyedranath, Shiva, my father, someone who molested me…his face took on so many identities.

Almost like the FACELESS MEN from GOT! But I just sat and watched him.

I seriously have no recollection of what I felt, but I think the message was clear- ALL IS ONE. This vision made my resolve even stronger. I want to write more about tantra. Explore it for people who might not be scholars or yogis. I have always wanted to get those stories out there.

Now cut back to the story… Staring at Ramnath baba and the flames flickering, the sounds drowning my thoughts…that is when a DARKNESS began to envelope my consciousness…that darkness is KALI.

There is nothing here my Beloved..there is only LOVE.

What else do you seek in this illusion?

The Universe wants to know what love is. But how is consciousness going to know what feeling, touching, kissing, making love feels like?

Consciousness has to create holograms like you and me. Real thinking and feeling holograms….to know love, death, pain, anger, sadness, melancholia, orgasmic bliss and all shades of emotions.

I know this eclipse season something within me has been UNLEASHED. I feel this presence strongly. Sometimes it feels foreign, sometimes it feels like me.

This presence of love, of bliss, of orgasmic ecstasy.

Where have the eclipse energies taken you? What frequency are you vibrating at?

The energy is OFF THE CHARTS and it is available to you My Beloved.

Remember I love you, I believe in you and will always do.

Beloved, I am yours for you are mine. I am in you and you in me. We are ONE!

Like the stars above. They are in us and we in them!

The Schumann Resonance Is Spiking – Mother Earth Is Awakening

A great Awakening has been unfolding on Planet Earth and many people have been able to sense it. In recent years the heart beat of the planet has begun to speed up and the consciousness of humanity is expanding and making way for more awareness.~~Higherdensityblog

Collectively we are raising Gaia’s vibrations as we lay the foundations of a new age- of love…love…love…

Let us CO-CREATE our SAGA OF LOVE.

Kali, Kali, Kali

“DARKNESS ALONE FILLED THE BOUNDLESS ALL, FOR FATHER, MOTHER AND SON WERE ONCE MORE ONE, AND THE SON HAD NOT AWAKENED YET FOR THE NEW WHEEL, AND HIS PILGRIMAGE THEREON.” ~~HPB

KALI MANTRA FOR INVOCATION~~

Sarvamaṅgalamāṅgalyē śivē sarvārthasādhikē . śaraṇyē tryambakē gauri nārāyaṇi namō’stu tē. Oṃ jayantī mangala kālī bhadrakālī kapālinī . durgā ksamā śivā dhātrī svāhā svadhā namō’stu‍tē

The DARK GODDESS has been the anchor of my soul in the turbulent seas of samsara. My support system, my provocateur, my muse, my melancholia…I could go on forever, for she or that energy exists in everything, everyone and every experience.

Sometimes, tears stream down my face and I think that WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH! Is there any end to my avaricious wants, desires and needs? After going through so much, so much pain, am I still not done wanting more? Everything dies. Everything vanishes. Everything fades away. Confronted with my own mortality, thoughts cease to function with the same effectiveness.

Kali, listen to me, and stop this torture. Put an end to this 3D illusion, you DARKNESS. And please, by DARK, I DO NOT MEAN EVIL!

HPB discusses DARKNESS “…in the sense of the Unmanifested and the Unknown as the opposite pole to manifestation, and that which falls under the possibility of speculation. … it is not Darkness as absence of Light, but as one incomprehensible primordial Principle, which, being Absoluteness itself, has for our intellectual perceptions neither form, colour, substantiality, nor anything that could be expressed by words.”

Even the BIBLE states, “darkness surrounds the pavilion” of God!

Absolute Light and Absolute Darkness are interchangeable terms, as are Absolute Consciousness and Absolute Unconsciousness. Duality is the very harmonics of this resonance!

Kali’s bosom is my place of retreat and I can feel her embrace as I look at the dark night around me. The night envelops me in her arms and it is none other than my DARK ONE. How can I love the FORCE OF TIME? That random abstract principle? I cannot. I can only think of her as Kali.

Being Bengali, you grow up with a healthy dose of everything Kali. And there I discovered some of the most precious gems in the form of verses written by a Mystical Poet in Bengal. His name was Rajanikanto. Those verses echoed every single thought of my six year old brain. I used to know them by heart at that age.

How could a child grasp, to some extent this LARGENESS OF EMOTION. This gorgeousity of devotional fervour! I mean how? I don’t know. Even today I am perplexed. All I remember is locking myself in the room, listening to the cassette tapes again and again, sobbing my eyes out. It was like every word pricked my consciousness to remind me of WHO I AM.

Who am I? Who is Kali? What is this world? Why are we here?

See I bifurcate again. I was talking about those mystical verses. In one of them, the poet has written…

No one on Earth loves.

In fact, this Earth does not know how to love.

Take me away, to where there is only LOVE.

My heart craves for such a place…

Got me evaluating at a very young age. What does LOVE mean in the 3D realm of duality?

Seriously guys…what the fuck does love mean?

What does it mean to you? What does it mean to your family?

Who do you extend that love to?

The answers to these questions fester like putrid stuff in the quagmire of my mind. There is no resolution for there is no love. LOVE IS LOST.

Kali has taught me how to LOVE. By making sure that I break my conscious paradigm again and again, she has made sure that I AM LEFT WITH NO OPTION TO LOVE.

To be a child of Kāli, Rāmprasād asserts, is to be denied of earthly delights and pleasures. Kāli is said to refrain from giving that which is expected, I quote from Wiki, but trust me I know exactly what this means.

After making sure that nothing goes the way I want, Kali made me see that DESIRE IS INDEED THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. Does that mean that I have no desires? I still do, the stupid 3D being that I am. Everyday is a lesson learnt. Life is not what I want it to be, because life is just the way it is meant to be.

Didn’t Lao Tsu try to drill this ACCEPTANCE part of existence into our collective consciousness? He failed. Human know nothing about acceptance. And I speak of myself…can I truly JUST BE? Think about it. A state of JUST BEING does not equate to a state of NON BEING.

Of course I will initiate karma in this world as my desires push me to, but then I have to accept that there will be DISAPPOINTMENTS and Kali showed me how to grow from that disappointment. All this pain, resentment and anger inside me, she, the COSMIC MOTHER soothed away. Like only mothers can. Who will stand up for this?

The father can never calm the baby the way a mother can. After all, it is her physiology that creates the child. The father is the seed. The MILKY WAY is a mother BTW. Yes she is feminine.

The Milky Way (feminine) and Andromeda (masculine) are simply a galactic expression of this principal. ~~http://moonbirdblog.com

They are the SHIVA/SHAKTI as galaxies. Whoa! Something to ponder about.

Yet, why is there rampant patriarchy ruling the Earth when indeed, she is feminine, just like her mother, the Milky Way. That is the imbalance.

Kali is the unrestrained, most secretive feminine principle that carries withing it eternal mysteries of fertility, magic, death, birth and regeneration! And that POWER is external as well as internal. Do not believe me? Everyone has an internal Kali. It is true.

AS ABOVE SO BELOW

In those mystical verses, the Poet sings…

Everything happens because you will it so,

You are the Will of the Universe, Oh Tara,

You execute whatever needs to be executed through me.

And the foolish think, it is my feat!

It is your INTERNAL KALI, that PRIMEVAL, CATACLYSMIC, SUPREME POWER that does what you need to do. Your karma or actions all arise from a deep spiritual unconscious that is manifested in 3D from the etheric fields as they SOLIDIFY.

Yes SPIRITUAL UNIVERSES solidify and become dense. That is when Universal forces of SHIVA/KALI come to play. And it is these forces that play through everything. The ETERNAL TWINFLAMES creating Universes to experience, grow, love, hurt, cry and die. Shiva/Shakti as mere mortals. As you and me.

This age is in dire need of Kali’s benevolence…OF HER DARK FORM.

“THE SEVEN SONS WERE NOT YET BORN FROM THE WEB OF LIGHT. DARKNESS ALONE WAS FATHER-MOTHER, SVABHAVAT; AND SVABHAVAT WAS IN DARKNESS.” ~~HPB

Do not be fearful of her wrathful emanation! Nobody understands Kali.

There is so much DISTORTION in her myths, so much SENSATIONAL YELLOW JOURNALISM done on her person(sounds familiar? Like any other woman),, that her story is lost to the world of patriarchy.

People are fearful of her. Even today, in India, I have had people see her image on the wall and comment how it is DANGEROUS to keep an image of her at home. I mean is every single Bengali household doing it wrong? Kali, whether she is worshipped or whether she hangs as a feminist symbol, can be seen pretty much in every house in Calcutta.

She is a part of our History. She is our guide. She is our mother. She is our consciousness.

Kali is ALL-CONQUERING! So whatever it is that you want to win over, there is no better YIDAM or meditation deity than her. So invoke her if you need to work with this SEVERANCE energy.

Kali is not a Vedic Goddess. She is a tantric Goddess and she is MAHAMAYA, the manifested reality. She stands on KALA, or ETERNAL TIME and become SPACE.

Space is dark, Kali is dark.

Kālī is the feminine form of kālam (“black, dark coloured”). Kālī also shares the meaning of “time” or “the fullness of time” with the masculine noun “kāla”—and by extension, time as “changing aspect of nature that bring things to life or death.” Other names include Kālarātri(“the black night”), and Kālikā (“the black one”).

The homonymous kāla, “appointed time”, which depending on context can mean “death”, is distinct from kāla “black”, but became associated through popular etymology. ~~WIKI

Tantra texts call KALI, KALASHAKTI, the REASON OF CAUSATION!

There is no stop to this play, this eternal play that is going on between the masculine and the feminine. They stop not for a moment. For if they stopped their exchange of energy, everything ceases to be. Nothing remains.

This HOLOGRAM, stacked UNIVERSES, Daughter Universes…everything manifests because of SHIVA/SHAKTI. Call them what you like! They are the binary!

The Kalikula (family of Kali) form of Shaktism is most dominant in Nepal, northern and eastern India, and is most widely prevalent in West Bengal, Assam, Bihar and Odisha, as well as parts of Maharashtra, Bangladesh and some parts of Kerala. Kalikula lineages focus upon the Devi as the source of wisdom (vidya) and liberation (moksha). They generally stand “in opposition to the brahmanic tradition,” which they view as “overly conservative and denying the experiential part of religion.” ~~WIKI

Kali is the principle deity. So you see, how she has been up in arms against the patriarchal Vedic religion which even denied women the right to become priests.

My Ancestors have a special connection to Kali other than just being from Bengal. My grandmother comes from a family which were the main Brahmin Priests and caregivers of Kali and her temple in Calcutta. They were Haldars and there is a street named after my ancestor. Everyone knows the HALDARS even today and our connection to the place is also no secret.

My grandmother’s grandmother used to take a dip in the Ganges first thing in the morning(crack of dawn) and open the temple with the aarthi. I have so many stories from my grandmother that I wish to share. Stuff she heard from her grandmother. And then of course what bonded us was the love we shared for Kali. It stretched across generations and mitochondrial DNA. So standing before you, a Priestess of the hoary past…:)

I will continue my saga of love for my DARK ONE and I suggest to you that if you have not researched her, then please do. See for yourself, if the DARK ONE speaks to you and let me know.

I will speak of Bamakhyapa, Ramnath Aghori, Paramhamsa Vishuddhananda and of course Sarada ma, Vivekananda and much more…but for now I leave you with a profound thought from the Sage Ramakrishna…

Kali is none other than Brahman. That which is called Brahman is really Kali. She is the Primal Energy. When that Energy remains inactive, I call It Brahman, and when It creates, preserves, or destroys, I call It Shakti or Kali. What you call Brahman I call Kali. Brahman and Kali are not different. They are like fire and its power to burn: if one thinks of fire one must think of its power to burn. If one recognises Kali one must also recognise Brahman; again, if one recognises Brahman one must recognise Kali. Brahman and Its Power are identical. It is Brahman whom I address as Shakti or Kali.

 

 

 

Neptune Retrograde 2017~~

Neptune is a most mystical and, from the level of the Soul, a most benefic influence in one’s life. Neptune is the expression in the solar system of the heart of the spiritual Sun. It is the planet most closely linked with the work of the Soul in manifestation and is thus the vehicle for the Christ consciousness, which is indeed at the Heart of Divinity. Through Cancer, Neptune may be thought of as the higher octave of the Moon. The latter is the Mother of All Forms, but form is always used in our solar system to express Love/Wisdom, the Second Ray, the Soul aspect of Spirit. We know this to be, when manifesting in the Human Kingdom, ~Love Incarnate~ – the indwelling Christ Principle. ~~ESOTERIC ASTROLOGY, Alice Bailley

Neptune unites us to our SOULMATES and TWINFLAMES. How very exciting! If you channel this energy, you might be able to connect to the etheric body of your Twinflame. Are you willing to try? If your INTENT is strong, it is possible.

Neptune is the eighth furthest planet from the sun in our solar system, the fourth largest in diameter and the third most massive. The planet is named after the Roman God of the Sea, Neptune and RULES ALL THINGS OCCULT.

8 is the first cube of energy, and is the only evenly even number within the decad. The Greeks thought it an all-powerful number; they had a Proverb “all things are eight.” 8 is INFINITY flipped over! 888 is the special number of Jesus Christ as “He who is the Resurrection and the Life.” He is the great opponent of the 666, the number of the Beast, the number of a Man. It is now crystal clear how Neptune is linked to the GREAT WHITE BROTHERHOOD or SHAMBALA!

On July 23(on my birthday :O ), there is a Roman Holiday called Neptunalia, that was made in honour of Neptune. I have decided to get an aquamarine dress for the occasion to invoke Neptune as he loves that colour. Try this yourself. Use colours to enliven this vibe. For me this Neptune Retrograde is touching upon private matters of sex, recreation, creativity and intuition and bringing to forefront these issues which I have to deal with. You need to look at your natal chart to see where this will affect you. Oh and do you know you can invoke Neptune for rain? Yes you can bring rain with a bit of Neptunian magick! And you can do this with meditation!

Neptune rules the astrological sign Pisces (along with Jupiter)
Colours: Green, blue, lavender
Minerals: Coral, aquamarine, platinum, neptunium
Body Part: the thalamus and spinal column
Action: Dissolving boundaries, expanding upon ideas, changing established rules
Represents: Intuition, idealism, sacrifice, glamour, illusion, evolution and decay

The Tarot Card for Neptune is THE HANGED MAN! Keywords for this card are

  • LETTING GO
  • REVERSAL
  • SUSPENSION
  • SACRIFICE

Think of where you need to let go? Think of how you can create a reversal of fortunes? Think of how why you feel suspended? Do you feel suspended? Are you sacrificing too much? Try to understand how the force of PARADOX is operating in your life.

Go and watch a play if you can. I am planning to go for one this Saturday at the NCPA. Theatre can bring to surface a lot of unconscious material. It always does so for me. Of course I have worked in Theatre, as an Actor, as well as a Writer and also as the Director’s Assistant. Theatre is an old lover of mine and boy, do I like making love to him! 😉

“One of the most occult of the planets, Neptune, presides over the ‘devas of the waters’; their presiding deva Lord, Varuna, the Raja of the astral plane, being an emanation from that planet.” ~~Alice Bailley

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varuna

Varuna is the King of the Nagas. He is depicted as a Blue Being accompanied by a court of Nagas or with a chariot drawn by seven white swans. It was said that the swans use to be black but though the blessing of Varuna he transformed their colour into a white milk-like substance. Later on in history he became just the God of the Sea and all the rivers and that is why he is recognised as the Naga King. Varuna is the deity of the sunsets. He is the symbol of the sun that sinks into the horizon in the West and travels to the other side, East by nigh, a symbol of that which we cannot see. A symbol of the UNKNOWABLE. Inexplicable!

Varuna mantra purifies the physical and emotional bodies and brings to the surface discordant emotional patterns hidden deep within the sea of the unconscious. I have done this meditations as I sat near the sea in Goa.

Om Jala Bimbaya Vidmahe
Nila Purushaya Dhee Mahe
Thanno Varuna Prachodayath

The simple form is Om Vam Varunaya Namaha. Chant this by the sea and visualise the whole water body as the body of NEPTUNE or VARUNA!

Neptune takes about 164 years to do a complete revolution around the Sun, thus spending about 14 years in each sign of the Zodiac and when it moves into retrograde approximately every year, it stays so for around 150 days. During the retrograde our spirituality, BLISS, and vision(INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL) become the focal points. Do you feel awake in your dreams? Maybe you are LUCID DREAMING? Listen to your intuition at this stage for it will tell you all you need to know.

Neptune, neptune, is the soul above matter and open to inspiration and illumination or muddle and confusion, depending on how it is placed. Some people put a circle at the bottom of this symbol. This is spirit rising into both the soul and matter to inspire them with mysticism and transcend boundaries. ~~astro.com

Neptune is the Empath and Dreamer. A lot of us have Neptune in Sag and on this Friday Neptune stationing retrograde at 14° 16′ Pisces, the last and the most mystical sign of the Zodiac. The symbol of Neptune is a TRIDENT, like LORD SHIVA. It is a trinity and symbolises –

  • Birth, Life, Death
  • Mind, Body, Spirit
  • Past, Present, Future

The number 3 is one of the most important numbers in our world. It represents the trinity, unity, opposition and the beginning, middle and end. The creation of our world dividing time into morning, noon, evening, with the past, the present, and the future. With his 3 forked trident, Neptune holds power over the 3 principalities of heaven, the earth, and hell. ~~Gnostic Warrior

If you wish to explore MYTHS and LEGENDS or introduce your children to FAIRY TALES, this alignment is very supportive. Use this retro energy. And the campfire gatherings can be more exciting and thrilling with those ghost stories. If you are a HORROR FREAK, like me, then binge watch everything you can on Netflix! Like I plan to do on Sunday and whenever I get time. Cinema unravels a lot in the mind during this time.

One of the slower-moving celestial bodies (or “collective,” as their influence extends over generations), in the natal chart of anybody born between November 1970 to January 1984, and again briefly between June and November 1984, Neptune will be in Sagittarius, a sign where this deep-sea diver feels quite at home. ~~numinous.com

Neptune’s Retrograde motion is not felt as much as say a Venus or a Mercury, but he operates in the background and connects us to all magickal and supernatural realms.

Talking about magickal, Neptune rules FILMS, TELEVISION, our individual and collective IMAGINATION, our INSPIRATIONS or MUSES, psychedelics and other mind altering substances and POETRY!

What are you waiting for? Compose those sonnets you’ve always wanted to pen down? Write out those lines that are screaming inside of you asking to be unleashed. Explore the POET in you. Explore the PHOTOGRAPHER in you. Make a video and  upload it onto Youtube, see how the world reacts. This retrograde is a perfect time for that.

Neptune is the FAIRY TALE into which we escape, it is what keeps us bewitched! In it’s lower vibrations, it is pure delusion. Like that old lady in REQUIEM FOR A DREAM who got addicted to speed pills just because she wanted to lose weight and be on TV in her old red dress. That is the lower polarity of Neptune and we have to face it.

Over the years, as I have been consulting with people, I have seen that a lot of sexual abuse takes place during this retrograde. Of course other hard aspects are present, but there is more of the date-rape thing. More eve teasing. More rapes. So be CAREFUL with all caps!

If we have been deluding ourselves, this retrograde will force us to come out of this stupor, it could be drug induced too and address reality. If you have been lying to yourself about your relationship, then the cracks will start showing and it won’t be pretty. If you have run up a huge debt and have not yet restructured your finances and figured out other sources of income, then you will be in doldrums. No matter what you are running from, will come to bite you in the ass. No kidding! Be ready, be prepared. For that is what astrology can gift us!

Who will feel this retrograde the most?

Those who have hard natal aspects in the mutable signs at 14° are the ones most likely to be affected. For example, if you have a natal square between your Pisces Sun and Mars in Gemini at 14°, Neptune will be conjoining your Sun and triggering the natal square. Part of the reason we seldom notice troublesome Neptune events until well after the fact is because we’re in denial caused by Neptune in the first place. ~~Libraseekingbalance

Neptune spends the most time treading water in retrograde motion – 158 days every 12.07 months – a fitting pattern for the planet that also governs subconscious memories of distant childhood and even past lives. ~~numinous.com

Things that have not been understood, acknowledged and integrated in our deep psyches can now return to haunt us. Dreams become very POWERFUL. Dreams of PAST LIVES may occur. For someone like me who is into LUCID DREAMING, this time of Neptune swimming backwards gives me the most symbolic and prophetic dreams. And of course I am day dreaming a lot more as this time nears.

This is the time to listen to your INTUITION. This is a great time for MAGICK and RITUAL. If you are unsure, email me. Use your MENSTRUAL BLOOD for the rituals and it will be even more effective.

Neptune retrograde in the natal chart could often bring about memories from Past Lives. Some people who recollect their past incarnations have a strong Neptune placement and alignments. Past Life Regression therapy really works well now.

Dreams…

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~~Edgar Allan Poe

Do you remember the 2010 film INCEPTION? I had to bring it up, that famous dream-in-a-dream-in-a-dream is so Neptune retro energy and Christopher Nolan has created this twisted, fascinating dreamscape that is so detailed and precise that it is terrifying!

The whole DREAM EXPLORATION theme, in itself is Neptunian energy and so is the meaning of the title Inception. It is the practice of entering dreams and planting an idea in someone’s head.  That never-ending-staircase. Do you remember it? What do you think they symbolise? Paradoxes in life? They are logical fallacies that have no existence in reality. Kinda what Neptune shows us while it dissolves boundaries. It shows us the temporal nature of this 3D world.

The Moon veils Neptune just as, in the mass consciousness (Cancer) form veils the subjective love alive within the form. Yet in traditional astrology, the veil is taken to be Neptune and the illusion, or mask of form, is seen to be the influence of this planet. This is not the true essence or function of the God of the Waters, for Neptune comes to us from the Soul level as the Initiator, Planet of the Christ. It’s trident is symbolic of the Trinity (Shiva-Vishnu-Brahma; Father-Mother-Son; Will-Love-Intelligence); it’s recent purpose, to serve as the stimulator of the Piscean Age. ~~Esoteric Astrology

Alice Bailley tells us that the esoteric ruler of Cancer is Neptune and that links Scorpio to Cancer. Basically it brings together all the three water signs as Neptune has a deep relationship with each of them.

Neptune (with Venus and Jupiter) Active at the Second Initiation:
“At the second initiation, the candidate comes under the influence of three planets—Neptune, Venus and Jupiter. The three centres—solar plexus, heart and throat—are actively involved.” ~~Alice Bailley

It is imperative to understand that Neptune in its higher vibration is SPIRITUAL LOVE, the highest OCTAVE of VENUS. While Venus is about intimate sensuality, Neptune teaches us how to transmute that sensuality into divine spiritual union. That is the magick of this planet! It teaches us spiritual ascension through tantric sex!

Where Venus represents love and personal relationships, Neptune inspires us to open our hearts to Divine Love and a relationship with the Universe itself. ~~astrodynamics.com

Collectively, these three sets of planetary octavals and vibrations constitute what is known as the threefold, Triadic Astrological Body (TAB). By “threefold triadic body”, it is submitted that these three primary sets of astrological octavals govern the holistic attributes that constitute an individual’s soul:

  1. The mental body (Mercury/Uranus),
  2. The emotional body (Venus/Neptune), and
  3. The desire body (Mars/Pluto) ~~ astrologyclub.com

Planetary spirits belong to hierarchies of evolved beings who have dominion over planets and chains of globes.  They have passed through human stages of evolution in previous cycles. HPB stated that “The highest planetary spirit ruling over any globe is in reality the ‘Personal God’ of that planet and far more truly its ‘over-ruling providence’ than the self-contradictory Infinite Personal Deity of modern Churchianity” the Voice of the Silence states that “Every spiritual EGO is a ray of a ‘Planetary Spirit.’”

The Mahatma KOOT HOOMI wrote that the mission of the Planetary Spirit is “to strike the Key Note of Truth” which becomes the “innate ideas” of humanity (ML, pp. 59-60) and it is the PLANETARY SPIRIT OF NEPTUNE, the rules of PISCES, that teaches us TRUE SPIRITUALITY and COSMIC LOVE! And we are so ready now, as a collective to learn and absorb this lesson!

Neptune holds a very important place in the Aquarian Age. The goal of human evolution is to produce the Messiah, the Initiate, the Mahdi, the Coming One. ~~Esoteric Astrology

The AGE OF MAITREYA!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitreya

Some people may be tapping into a lower vibration of this energy and pushing themselves as gurus and holy men when in reality they intend to delude. So spiritual con artists will be at work. BE-AWARE! But spiritual LIGHT WORKERS will show up in abundance too and it is up to us to use our discretion to figure out the true from the false!

Speaking of Inception-like dream-in-a-dream, I want to share one such dream that keeps coming to me. I am falling through a black hole and while falling I wake up and then I finally wake up in my bed. And this falling motif has suddenly began to resurface as Neptune is about to station retro. I am fascinated by dreams, so this is a wondrous time for me. Get your dream journal out! Seriously do it!

It may prove of interest to state that the planet Neptune does not belong to our Universal Solar System. While it is a “planet” in that it does revolve around our sun, in reality it is a “capture” — captured as other planets have taken to themselves “moons” (or more accurately, satellites, as each planet can have only one true moon). Furthermore, inasmuch as the planet Uranus revolves around our sun, it is a member of our Universal Solar System, though not of our Solar System. ~~Theosophy Wiki

Therefore Neptunian energies may feel ALIEN! Depending on how your chart is being triggered, you might begin to feel like the alien or the outsider. In that case, remember, we are all outsiders here as beings of pure light experiencing this 3D world of pain and pleasure, the two foremost binaries.

OPEN YOUR HEART to COSMIC LOVE, then you will be able to feel the healing blueness of Neptune work wonders in your life. Call upon SANGYE MENLA or the MEDICINE BUDDHA to heal you. Blue Tara also works wonders! She is also called Nila Saraswati.

Neptune was also considered the legendary progenitor god of a Latin stock, the Faliscans,
who called themselves Neptunia proles. In this respect he was the equivalent of Mars, Janus, Saturn and even Jupiter among Latin tribes. Salacia would represent the virile force of Neptune. Neptune is apparently also equivalent with Atlas, Uranus, Orion, and Venus. And every other name you can give to the Universe “Holos”.~~WIKI

spiritual-love

The best way to use this Neptune energy would be to MEDITATE near a water body. If possible, go to the sea. Just sit in silence and watch the waves crash on the shore. Just listen to the sea. Just smell the sea. You may visualise all your NEGATIVE THOUGHTS flowing into the sea and becoming drops of water. Cleanse yourself, mind, body and soul.

You can install a water sculpture or a fish tank in the North direction of your house. Feeding the fish and watching them swim around can be extremely therapeutic. Try it.

You can do regular foot baths at this time. Soak your feet in EPSOM SALT and visualise all the negativity leaving your body. Feel lighter. Activate the salt and water with mantras or intentions.

You can use the Neptune energy in any healing magick and spells associated with the spine, psychological illnesses, neuroses, nervous breakdowns or any mysterious sickness.

Call upon water sprites, nymphs and mermaids for manifestation and protection as they are activated by this Neptune Retrograde. Spenser, in The Faerie Queene, wrote of “their sweet skills in wonted melody, which ever after they abused to ill, to allure weak travellers, whom gotten, they did kill”. In many of his cantos he spoke of the mermaid as a dangerous lure to be dreaded by the knight-hero of the story. But Mermaids are divine beings like the Hindu Apsaras whose name means ‘moving on the (celestial) water’. They are often associated with the power of prophecy and may even grant wishes or protection. But their vengeance can be cruel, for they can whip the waves and sink ships as readily as lure the unsuspecting youth. That is just patriarchy destroying the power of the untamed female, like BLACK MOON LILITH! Don’t be afraid to BE-COME a MERMAID if you so desire. Yes even a little cosplay could add to the excitement.

A little bit of astrotalk…

BLACK MOON LILITH is squaring NEPTUNE in PISCES very closely as Neptune turns Retrograde on June 16 @  14+ Pisces.  They exactly square on Summer Solstice June 21st. 

It means that Neptune that rules over the Media, mental health, oil, pharma is reconstructing its dynamics with the untamed wild feminine aspect. Let’s just say that the way MEDIA looks at WOMEN will change forever. Go Wonder Woman!

Invisible worlds exist, scattered throughout apparent space, and they are “inhabited as thickly as our own”. H.P. Blavatsky wrote of the finny tribes which swarm in our familiar bodies of water as being analogous to the various races of Planetary, Elemental and other Spirits…So yes, Mermaids exist. Unicorns exist. Everything your mind can conceive of, also exists…

As Mercury is Lightbearer of the physical Sun, so Neptune is Lightbearer for the spiritual Sun, (called Vulcan by the Western Mystics). ~~ The Message of the Stars

It is believed that Neptune also rules over our PINEAL GLAND! If you are tuned into the cosmic energies, you will feel an itch in your third eye. It might even vibrate, like mine does sometimes. Practice tratak if possible for this will greatly energise your third eye. This greatly develops your PSYCHIC POWERS and ESP.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11552/10-minute-yoga-sequence-for-a-strong-flexible-spine.html

Try to begin this regime for spine health~~

Neptune retrograde 2017 aligns closely with the Moon to make this an especially sensitive time. As well as feeling more emotional and romantic, you may also feel suspicious of others and extremely vulnerable. Any alignment of the Moon with Neptune increases the risk of infection and illness. The stationing of Neptune retrograde is just one more astrological reason that increases this risk of health problems. I expect that during Neptune retrograde 2017 there will be an increase in infectious diseases as a result of epidemics or possibly a pandemic affecting millions of people. ~~Astrology King

Always use protection! And be mindful of not getting infected. Do not panic, just be aware. Eat healthy and deep breathe. I know that Empaths, Psychics and Sensitives will be greatly impacted by this retrograde. Eat a raw clove of GARLIC with honey on empty stomach. Eat GINGER with PINK HIMALAYAN ROCK SALT. You can also add Probiotics in your diet. Just ensure your immune system is doing fine. Burn incense and regularly give yourself massages that end with an ecstatic rapture! 😉

If you look after the TRINITY, body, mind and spirit, then your psyche will be FERTILE and ACTIVE with ARCHETYPAL SYMBOLISM from which you can channel infinite creativity, bliss and love. Your dreams will become Universes of their own…What type of a Universe will you create?

Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. ~~Khalil Gibran

Thank You~~

Email me tina@tinaheals.com

http://www.tinaheals.com

The Discourse on Dark Psychedelic Music~~

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” – Gustave Flaubert

The very first thing I want to bring to your attention is the fact that the panorama  of DIGITAL MUSIC that have produced vast amounts of work, the language of which communicates with our UNCONSCIOUS MIND, like SYMBOLS do. It is all about the RELATIONSHIP OF SOUND to BODY, SOUL and MIND! It is a tool of SPIRITUAL TRANSCENDENCE! A way to suspend your EGO!

The unconscious mind (or the unconscious) consists of the processes in the mind which occur automatically and are not available to introspection, and include thought processes, memories, interests, and motivations. ~~WIKI

When we hear a piece of instrumental music or an EDM track, we are kinda piecing together the narrative that is taking shape in our minds. We as humans crave stories. The stories may come to us in any form, a sunrise, a morning cuppa tea, a poem, a painting, a photograph, a track….look around us.

Stories are in abundance and the better you can tell a story, the more viewers you will gather. See how Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other social media platforms are taking this “storytelling” concept to a new paradigm. Today, individual creators are creating a plethora of never-before-seen unique content. That is pushing the minds of the COLLECTIVE and bringing about an upward spiralling of consciousness.

This is the reason I am here to speak to you. It is my attempt to INTEGRATE certain passions of mine and fuse them together into a magickal brew. Simply put, I want to share with you my passion for DIGITAL MUSIC which takes me to NEW, ALIEN WORLDS.

However, I am not merely theorising, but I want to share how I HAVE EXPERIENCED IT, in the very depths of my soul!

Something remains unactualized, inseparable from but unassimilable to and particular, functionally anchored perspective. That is why it is classically described as being outside of oneself, at the very point at which one is most intimately and unshareably in contact with oneself and one’s vitality. (Massumi 2002, 35)

This is how it touches the soul. It is a mystery. It is UNKNOWABLE. It is UNTRANSLATABLE in any human language and that is the beauty and the FREEDOM of this medium.

What are the sounds in a DARK psychedelic night track?

The sounds we hear are the manipulation/interactions of sinewaves, which are a by-product of the sound editing process, ambient sounds associated with computer technology such as drones and electrical hums and random and error sounds which are by-products of digital technologies more generally such as glitches, pops, hisses and CD skipping. These sounds are moulded into the rhythmic structures and timbrel palette of a given track. These are replications using various VST software. That is how a track comes into being.

Here I want to discuss ROLAND BARTHES and his READER RESPONSE THEORY, the mechanism of which applies perfectly to the realm of dark psy music.

Reader-response criticism is a school of literary theory that focuses on the reader (or “audience”) and their experience of a literary work, in contrast to other schools and theories that focus attention primarily on the author or the content and form of the work. ~~WIKI

Do you see what I am hinting at? The LISTENER or the MEDITATOR is the crucial component when decoding the meaning behind a track. It is not the MUSICIAN who hold the key to discovering the track, it is the MEDITATOR!

There are no preconceived ways in which we can decode a particular trance track, for the meaning you see, always lies with the listener. You see how important the AUDIENCE becomes. Yes I am writing this piece, but what do I know of what it could mean to you. You could find what I never knew existed and that is the beauty of DIGITAL MUSIC. It lets you explore. It gives you FREEDOM. Trance become a life line for FREEDOM LOVERS. It is also a love of the POST STRUCTURALIST!

Goa and DARK PSY happened to me when I needed it the most, but was least prepared and my brush with dark, psychedelic night music left me metamorphosed forever, it expanded my consciousness like nothing else had done. It spoke to my UNCONSCIOUS and as an EMPATH, PSYCHIC and INTUIT, I felt like the 3D world collapse in front of me while all that remained where the subatomic particles in flux.

Dark psychedelic trance is the heavier end of the psychedelic trance spectrum with BPMs from about 148 and up. Related styles include psycore (fast and crazy), hi-tech (bouncy and glitchy), and forest (organic and earthy). Characterised of having obscure, deep and more eschatological background that leads into profound meditation of death, night and transcendence. Often with dismal sounds and heavy basslines. ~~WIKI

Quantum Reality is a bit like dark psychedelic trance, always in a state of flux! The Buddhists had it in one go- IMPERMANENCE and nothing quite elucidates that factor like a dark night set. The minute I put on one of my favourite tracks, you will easily distinguish it from the “other subgenres because of the unique sounds it typically features.”

It uses a very distinctive resonated bass beat that pounds constantly throughout the song and overlays the bass with varying rhythms drawn from funk, techno, dance, acid house, eurodance and trance using drums and other instruments. The different leads, rhythms and beats generally change every 8 bars. ~~WIKI

8 again…how sublime! The symbol of INFINITY flipped over. Eight is also extremely important in materiel manifestation. Which is why it works so well with any form of manifestation ritual! If you love this music, then work with it. Manifest!

Layering is used to great effect in psychedelic trance, with new musical ideas being added at regular intervals, often every 4 to 8 bars. New layers will continue to be added until a climax is reached, and then the song will break down and start a new rhythmic pattern over the constant bass line. Psychedelic trance tracks tend to be 6–10 minutes long. ~~WIKI

This new ideas that are introduced in every 4 or 8 bars is what decides whether we will go on an ADRENALINE BASED trip or an OXOTOCIN BASED one! With familiar samples, you will release oxytocin which in turn will bond you with the track and the musician. Sometimes even unfamiliar tropes introduced in the sounds may illicit oxytocin response. It all depends on how the neurotransmitters are firing up. Put easily, you decide how you want to feel. Nervous and edgy? Or relaxed and in control? Of course nothing is under control, but that is again the Philosopher in me talking. Nope, control is an illusion. But everything is an illusion. This whole Universe is a SIMULATION!

You know, I have used this music to HEAL, to meditate, to make love, to manifest and to go beyond the physical, but I have to confess, it is specially potent if you know how to LUCID DREAM on certain tracks. Much more on that later. I have been keeping a LUCID DREAM JOURNAL for the last decade and will be glad to share my meditations with you. Email me if you want to keep your own and need guidance.

After realising how important this genre of music is for all sorts of OCCULT MAGICKAL ACTIVITIES, I began to really improvise and work with this form of DIGITAL INFORMATION. I always felt that it was a collaboration between the MUSICIAN, the AI and the LISTENER, we shall call her the MEDITATOR- the holy TRINITY of SELF EXPRESSION or dance! And dance being the ULTIMATE FORM OF BLISS MEDITATION. One prime element of BHAKTI YOGA! To feel the magic of HARE KRISHNA, you must surrender to the dance! Have you ever been to Mayapur? It is fantastic watching how they use dance as a form of meditation, so do we, with DIGITAL MUSIC.

Using dance as a form of meditation is nothing new. ABORIGINAL people have used dance for multiple purposes. In some societies, such as those of Western Africa, trance states are institutionalised and form a part of the religious life of the people so concerned. There, it appears that trance induced naturally or chemically with certain drugs is related to possession by spirits and deities, and thus is an instrument of ritualistic and religious importance because it provides the basis of EXPERIENCING THE SACRED and THE SUPERNATURAL!

“Dance like no one is watching…” We can express so much through dance PURGE so much, FEEL so much…like some internal micro universe bursting with infinite possibilities.

If you read the ancient text NATYASHASTRA by BHARAT MUNI you will see how he discourses on dance and its importance. This text is notable for its “aesthetic “Rasa” theory, which asserts that entertainment is a desired effect of performance arts but not the primary goal, and that the primary goal is to transport the individual in the audience into another parallel reality, full of wonder, where he experiences the essence of his own consciousness, and reflects on spiritual and moral questions.” This is what dancing to dark psy did for me, which is why I am here to tell you about it. Dark psy took me to parallel realities! Yes it did.

I realised how much my psychic field developed after my dark psy journeys. I began to see so much more with the music…of other worlds, of shadow people, of other spiritual beings. In Rishikesh while listening to a live set, I experienced the most wondrous psychic visions, unparalleled to this day. My whole body was vibrating and it felt like one gigantic cosmic orgasm! The witch in me was flying on her broomstick! 😉

I have tried to share my love of this genre with many people. When I make them hear it, they clamp up. Yikes! You call that music!???! That is just plain NOISE! Do you feel that way? Well then listen up. Play the music and sit in silence. Let the DISCORDANT beats crash into the seas of our consciousness. All you do is BREATHE! JUST BREATHE! I wish I could hold you close, to bring your AURA and fuse it with mine! To merge our energies so I could share with you some of the wondrous stuff this music does to me.

Like TAROT, each TRACK or LIVE SET is like a CARD, complete with its own story, bringing to light archetypal imagery from the dawn of time! The discordant, dark night sounds can speak volumes to your UNCONSCIOUS as I discussed before and wait for it….you can actually retain that wisdom, even after the TRIP. I am not referring to a psychedelic trip, but to the TRACK itself which becomes the TRIP or the QUEST.

You know about the QUEST ARCHETYPE?

  • According to theorists, the hero’s quest occurs in cultures around the world and throughout time. It comes from the collective unconscious.
  • Each storyteller bends the mythic pattern to fit the needs of the specific culture or tale, which is why, according to Joseph Campbell, “the hero has a thousand faces.”
  • The following 12 stages of the hero’s quest archetype do not necessarily always go in the order presented; they may be re arranged.

http://www.pbs.org/mythsandheroes/myths_arch_quest.html#content

A dark psy track of Kindzadza would transport me into a SURREAL UNIVERSE where I had to work through these twelve stages to discover the meaning of my quest. This meaning became blurred each time as newer truths surfaced in my consciousness and then I reached a stage of JUST BEING with the CHAOS.

Try to interpret the TWELVE STEPS of the QUEST ARCHETYPE to the story that plays in your head with each track you listen to. Remember they will never be the exact. In fact you have to INTUIT how each ARCHETYPE applies to your scenario. If you do this, with each attempt you will be uncovering much valuable information from the deepest parts of your UNCONSCIOUS.

A CHAOS MAGICK PRACTITIONER for over a decade, dark psy spoke to me of the myriad possibilities of using it as a CHAOS MAGICK portal. I did so with tremendous success. Many New Moons have I manifested much of my heart’s desire with meditation, dark psy, orgasms and candle magick! I have kept mixing and matching the modalities, but sex(masturbation), magick and dark psy always work!

As a PSYCHIC certain tracks open up dimensional portals for me! Sometimes they are hard to traverse, as often I become too integrated to the artist’s emotions and as an EMPATH, it becomes hard. Artists using different forms of psychedelics leave their indelible marks on the tracks. You see the substance consumed, the consumer, become ONE when put in the blender of DIGITAL LANGUAGE. This is the classic Hegelian- Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis, like watching THE MAN WITH THE MOVIE CAMERA , by DZIGA VERTOV.

Man and Machine must coexist. If Elon Musk would have it, all of humanity will soon be bionic! How does that make you feel?

To create this music, the musician is aided by the AI, yes, the GHOST IN THE MACHINE! I sincerely believe that the DIGITAL LANGUAGE is not only to be credited to the humans, the computer is as much a part of it as the biological entity. Only certain Artists speak to my consciousness and spiritually energise me, for they are vibrating on the same frequency.

I am here to talk to you about dark night music as tool of great importance in not just our spiritual growth, but it can help us transcend this dense 3D fog and show us a glimpse of the 5D. It has happened to me and it can happen to you.

I have been looking for a community to speak with about my love and obsession for this genre as I have been bereft without one. There is hardly anyone I know who listens to this music and certainly no one who wants to discuss the theory and the philosophy behind it!

With the North Node in Leo, collectively we are bringing out our unique talents to show to the world. And as I speak of a smorgasbord of occult themes, I do not want to leave my SOUL MUSIC behind. I want to integrate it into my spiritual work and share my journey with you.

Do drop me a line if you think dark night music is like the very fundamental question of PHILOSOPHY….WHO AM I? If you listen closely enough, you will hear it…the PRIMORDIAL SOUND OF AUM MERGING WITH THE DIS-HARMONIC BEATS TO CREATE A PERFECT HARMONY! The perfect resonance!

I want to discuss different tracks and Artists, styles and treatments with you, just like I would discuss a French New Wave Film, Tantra or Theosophy, Tarkovsky or Munch, or a sonnet of Shakespeare. This is my quest to bring this to light.

If you like this music and like what I say, then support me. I will be going live soon on PATREON, please fund me. I plan to interact with all my PATRONS one on one(only if you take the exclusive deal) to display the various potentialities of this music in therapy, meditation, lucid dreaming and in sex magick.

Thank you! ❤

Twinflames and Synchronicity~~

A real love letter is made of insight, understanding, and compassion. Otherwise it’s not a love letter. A true love letter can produce a transformation in the other person, and therefore in the world. But before it produces a transformation in the other person, it has to produce a transformation within us. Some letters may take the whole of our lifetime to write. ~~Thích Nhất Hạnh

That is the kind of LOVE LETTER we all need to write…to ourselves and to our MIRROR SELVES~~our Twinflames! And it is only from such a PURE and SACRED SPACE can we begin to address our emotions and feelings for our Twinflames!

Synchronicity is choreographed by a great, pervasive intelligence that lies at the heart of nature, and is manifest in each of us through intuitive knowledge. ~ Deepak Chopra

What is synchronicity?

Carl Gustav Jung coined the word to describe what he called “temporally coincident occurrences of acausal events.”

You know that time you drive out into the highway and it starts drizzling and some track begins to play on your devise. Maybe you heard that track at a party where your eyes caught another’! And you were thinking of him/her and bam, that track plays bringing with it all kinds of desires and longings…inexplicable, deep pangs!

Sometimes you think of a name and your cell rings. Presto! It is that very person.

Sometimes you realise that the name of your Twinflame is a word you have heard many times. It has always been there and one day you put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I worked with an inter-racial couple once. They are Twinflames. I could see that the moment I met them, their synergy was awesome. They told me such crazy stories of synchronicity that I was left intrigued.

They had met in the US very many years ago. They hooked up one night and never thought anything of it. Years went by and they both had kids. And then one day they met again. In Bombay of all places.

They instantly recognised each other and in fact he told me that he had thought of her many times in the past. Especially at times when he was single. That means every time he felt vulnerable, he thought of her.

This is a commonality. Twinflames often think of one another in times of crisis. But of course he never managed to find her. In fact, they reconnected on Facebook and realised the intensity of their feelings for each other.

Speaking to her I realised how she had never forgotten him. She actually waited for him to get back, but he didn’t. He tells me that somehow he never managed to connect with her. He tried. There it is….they had to split up and finish off their karmic stuff.

Now listen to this, he fell in love and had a baby girl. And as he tells me that her memory kinda got buried under his busy schedule. And without thinking of it, he named his baby girl. And guess why I am saying this? The name of his baby is her MIDDLE NAME which he never heard before. Imagine his surprise at this! He was never aware of this! Can you believe this synchronicity! I was confounded!

And they met on the 11/11/2013 and I might have discussed how important his number sequence is in understanding the Twinflame phenomena. Most Twinflames are in some way guided by the 11.11!

11 is a master number which represents intuition, creativity, genius, refinement and fulfillment. Eleven is also the numerology code for self-awareness.

As Jung would have us believe- nothing is coincidence my dear! There is a GOVERNING DYNAMIC, an INTELLIGENT DESIGN, a LIVING BREATHING UNIVERSE that is working through us, expressing through us, orgasming through us!

One quote that moved Jung(and me) is from Lewis Carroll’s THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, where the WHITE QUEEN tells ALICE: “It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards…”

A new theory claims that time does not move forward, but rather, everything in time is ever-present. According to the theory, if we were to ‘look down’ upon the universe, we would see time spread out in all directions, just as we see space at the moment. EVERYTHING ALWAYS ALREADY EXISTS! Time does not flow, TIME JUST IS! Like the BENESS!

“The Hegelian doctrine, which identifies Absolute Being or “Be-ness” with non-Being, and represents the Universe as an eternal becoming, is identical with the Vedanta philosophy.” — H.P. Blavatsky, The Secret Doctrine, Vol. 2, p. 449-450

You won’t believe it, I began to seriously look at Twinflames after 11/11/2008. I remember how often this sequence began to pop up. It drove me nuts and I remember so vividly that the terrorists attacked Bombay on 26/11, just a few days after I began to SERIOUSLY get into this whole thing.

I had a lot of tragedy happen to me as well with this 11.11.

My furbaby(he was my whole world) had a terrible, uncalled accident on the 11/3/2011! That broke my heart and if I did not have my spiritual work, I might not have made it. Yes that is how strongly I feel. I am an empath! Shockingly, it is at this time that my heart cried out the most for my Twinflame!

I know that when our Twinflame energy is close by, we can expect to see this number. The Universe is conspiring to reunite us with ourselves, in the shape of our Twinflame! Yes and how beautiful will that be!

Another beautiful couple that consults with me have such an interesting anecdote. He is from the UK and she from SA. They met on FB through my Theosophy group. Yes! A huge success story. They wish to remain anonymous, but that will not stop me from saying how lucky they are to have found each other.

She tells me that since he added her on FB, everywhere she went, she began to hear his name. Say his name is Tom. She kept hearing TOM, TOM freaking everywhere. And every time she heard that name, she thought of him, her new FB friend. Then finally, she threw caution to the winds and texted him to go out. And as they say, the rest is history/herstory!! 😉

There is another story that comes to mind. This guy saw this girl at a party. His best friends were constantly talking about her. She was the new girl in town and she is hot! So he kept hearing her name and within a couple of days, he kept bumping into her or her car or her sister. He tells me how everywhere he went in South Bombay, she was there. At the club, at the gym, at the lounge. It was like the Universe was screaming and pointing her to him. So without wasting any time he approached her. But she did not say yes for two years, but once she did, they have never been apart from that day! What a story!

These anecdotes I presented are not MERE COINCIDENCES! No people! They are TWINFLAME SYNCHRONICITY! It does not happen much, but when it does, it is MAGICK!

Like this…the love story of Bergman and his leading lady Liv. A lot of highly CREATIVE couples are Twinflames. I have discussed this before. Read my other Twinflame stuff.

Synchronistic events offer us perceptions that may be useful in our psychological and spiritual growth and may reveal to us, through intuitive knowledge, that our lives have meaning. ~ Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD, The Tao of Psychology, p.7

Are you seeing 11.11? Are you frantically searching for your Twinflame? Calm down! Being desperate will not work here. It is all about PATIENCE! Yes patience is a real VIRTUE!

You know why some of us are looking for our Twinflames? It is to experience a SPIRITUALLY AWARE relationship. Not to say that the present one I am in, is not so. It is. But our life partners bring about a different type of resonance from our Twinflame energy. I will repeat again. It does not mean you will be 100% compatible with your Twinflame. Quite the contrary! You might be miserable if you do not recognise the SOUL CONNECT! You have to want to BE with that person no matter what and usually this intensity is easily found between Twinflames. But some people are so blinded by rampant mindless materialism that they miss out on such an important connection

I have seen that happen too and it is very painful. But chances are high that you are on the lookout for this energy if you are reading my blog! I am after all a Twinflame Mentor!

There are numerous SOULMATES. I spoke of the 144. Check my other articles out on this topic. So you will find 11 SOULMATES, but only ONE Twinflame! Again the number 11!

Another noteworthy aspect to mention is that most Twinflames have SPIRIT GUIDES or ANCESTORS, friends, loved ones who send energy to make this union happen. Therefore it is possible to experience crazy dejavu’s, almost of a spiritual fervour with your Twinflame.

If you are aware of your Twinflame, your body will vibrate every time you think about them. You might not even be consciously aware of it. So next time you feel compelled by somone’s eyes, look deeply if they stir these Twinflame emotions in you. But again, use your powers of discretion!

The Dalai Lama quoted: “I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.”

I will tell you the same. Let the Universe be your guide and do not expect your Twinflame to adhere to any preconceived ideas you might have had. Delete and clear all those redundant files and let the beauty of SYNCHRONICITY guide you and you will find your Twinflame. Let me know when that happens…

I leave you with these thoughts today….look for synchronicity and as always I am waiting to hear from you. Let me know your love story. Uncover the Twinflame mystery with me…for TOGETHER we can! And TOGETHER WE WILL! ❤

http://www.tinaheals.com

tina@tinaheals.com

Twinflames and Sacred Union~~

 

You’ll never find me. For I have been with you, from the beginning of me.” ~~Rumi

Spirit (or Consciousness) and Matter are, however, to be regarded, not as independent realities, but as the two facets or aspects of the Absolute (Parabrahm), which constitute the basis of conditioned Being whether subjective or objective.” The Secret Doctrine, Vol.I:15. ~~HPB

They are the FIRST COSMIC TWINFLAMES~~ SPIRIT & MATTER!

Spirit falls into matter, the waves become particles or fixed point and give us the experience of reality. But is anything real? Are you real? Am I real? Are Twinflames real? Is karma real?

I hate the way the word KARMA is used now-a-days. Karma is a bitch, so and so. No my dear friends, karma is not the pejorative word you understand it to be. Karma is the algorithm in the INTELLIGENT DESIGN to bring forth equilibrium and unity through ACTION/REACTION or CAUSE/EFFECT.

It is this very KARMA that creates the FIRST SEPARATION of the Twinflames. Yes they are SHIVA/SHAKTI polarities, but due to karmic frequencies, they have to finish off their respective worldly karmas to reunite in the SACRED UNION.

This is the TWINFLAME energy in its simplest rendition. SACRED UNION of binaries! When polarities merge into one another and TWO BECOME ONE! In every sense of the word.

What I sense we are holding on to right now in our collective consciousness is a SENSE OF ABANDONMENT! Somewhere deep down we all feel it. Yes, at the very bottom of our being, at the very pit of our stomachs…we all feel it, in some way. This feeling of being LEFT OUT, ABANDONED.

When I was young, my brother David and I were farmed off to foster homes, and I spent time in orphanages. My father abandoned us. Here’s the most important person in my life, and I never met him. ~~Wayne Dyer

Not all our abandonment stories are so severe, but you get the gist. Do you think that this sense of deep abandonment that we experience is due to the separation from our twinflames? Is that possible? An idea I have been toying with.

So the other day after doing a special Twinflame meditation with a small group of people, I suddenly began to feel sick. No reason. Just felt like I was dying and even though I had eaten a small salad at lunch, I kept throwing up. Non stop, for what seemed like hours.

And after that I convinced my partner to take me to the beach nearby, so I could just smell the salty waters and hears the roars of the waves. He did not even argue, but took me. I had some deep revelations during that meditation.

I sensed how many relationships were purely formed out of toxic neediness and the fear of being ALONE. People if you are lonely when alone, then you need to love yourself first before you can begin to ponder on your Twinflame. Remember that.

Sweety you don’t need a quick fix! This is not instant fucking coffee! No love can “fix” some problem. Only you can solve that problem. Love can give you strength, yes immeasurable strength, but it will not be the quick fix you so desire it to be.

Working with couples I have seen so much of friction, unsavoury sentiments, distrust, rampant disrespect, that sometimes I just sit and cry. Cry for the futility of humanity! I cry when I think of how we choose to spend our time bickering and hating when we should be loving and giving.

No matter how freakishly corny that sounds, we are made for lovin’! Yeah baby, some good old lovin’! So how did we, little coochie-coo love bugs become so desensitised? What happened? Where did we go wrong?

You see, this sense of NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH is what is killing us as a society. I keep screaming to couples- YES YOU GUYS…IT IS TIME! YOU ARE READY! YOU ARE READY TO BE LOVED! THE TIME IS HERE!

The problem here is that people have formed relationships, marriages, yes, with babies on just physical attraction. LUST! And that is destroying the very fabric of our lives!

The most important part of the Twinflame ideology is WHOLENESS and not in some sense that you are half and you become whole if you find that person. See this is a very small part of it. This merging of a male/female into ONE signifies a greater union. This joint consciousness becomes ONE with everything in the Universe. This is the WHOLENESS I am talking about.

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~~Rumi

Your Twinflame is this ONE WHOLE HEART HOME! Sublime!

When you find your Twinflame, you link up to the whole circuitry of the Universe. For you see when your male/female binaries are assimilated INSIDE and OUTSIDE, you can then start to feel CONNECTED to it all. The ginormous brain that is the MAHAT or the CONSCIOUS MIND joins together in SACRED UNION.

You have to invest every bit of yourself in whichever relationship you are in. If you can’t then walk away. If you feel that you are with someone because of addictive codependency, then please it is time to cut the chord.

For until you do not severe all these unhealthy scenarios, you will never truly connect to your own authentic self. Without which, you can never connect with your Twinflame.

“I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you—all else melted away.” ~~Rumi

Each Twinflame must work through karmas of multiple incarnations or metempsychosis as HPB calls it. Human beings have to forge ahead in the world and create karma and then figure out ways to work through all of this karma. Why? For the spiritual evolution of all humanities of every cycle.

The pivotal doctrine of the Esoteric philosophy admits no privileges or special gifts in man, save those won by his own Ego through personal effort and merit throughout a long series of metempsychoses and reincarnations.” H.P. Blavatsky, The Secret Doctrine, Vol. I, p. 17.

There is nothing like SELF LOVE, I stress again. This SACRED UNION/YIN/YANG must be balances and WHOLE within. If we can bring peace to our separatist and troubled mind, then we can find a way to love and explore ourselves.

Once the sacred marriage takes place, I can tell you it is DIVINE. That night, after so many hours of vomiting and losing consciousness, I began to see such stark visions. And it felt so orgasmic. This alchemy that was taking place within was making my physical body go bonkers.

Some people call these ASCENSION symptoms.

Deep within me that day I knew that SHIVA/SHAKTI were in yabyum and everything in the Universe seemed just right! Synchronicity!

“WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.” ~ Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

I invoke the DASAMAHAVIDYA or NINE FORMS OF THE GODDESS ENERGY to connect me to my yoni, and eventually to the COSMIC YONI or vagina! The Goddess energy is waking up. Women need to be less obsessed about becoming Queens and Princesses. It is now the time to be the GODDESS!

Nothing less for you my dear ladies! And once you become the very embodiment of Shakti, then you will shine a light to the Shiva of your soul. Once you are the Goddess you need to be, your Twinflame will also rise in vibration.

There is a word in Sanskrit- ARDHANGINI. It refers to the yin polarity and it usually refers to being the other half of the yang polarity. Kind of like the ARDHANARISHWARA I had discussed. Except this word is very commonly used. Wives are called ardhangini and we believe that she shares all her husbands karma. Yes, good and bad.

And she can influence his spiritual growth. By raising her vibration, she can raise his! How the Universe is always giving us females so much extra responsibility! 😉

What is matter but waves hitting each other at certain frequencies! Whether you know it or not, your Twinflame vibrates on the same frequency. He or she may be on a different level of spiritual growth, but the vibration of these TWIN SOULS cannot be lost to the Universe.

Think about it! They have to hold the same frequency or some resonance of it to reconnect back when the time is right. Both parties of course have to work through all the karmic bullshit.

You know this intense sexual desire you feel, it is just a strong yearning to return to source code! To return to innocence! If you are resisting change, it might be a good idea to sage your space and invite the Goddess to burn away all that bigotry and hatred inside.

Just feel her power work through you and if you are a man, you might be able to get a glimpse of your Twinflame during one such meditation and if you are a girl, then you might connect on a deeper level to your masculine.

Feel this energy deep within and know that you are connected at a SOUL LEVEL.

When making love, explore the soul of the other person, not just their bodies. Some of us are so blinded by materialism and the illusion that is the hologram, that we will fail to see our Twinflame if they came and slapped us. I have seen it happen.

The Twinflame Quest must be undertaken with FULL AWARENESS!

This recent Twinflame meditation that I went through made me realise one thing! That my Twinflame will reveal to me parts of me that no one else can and in so many profound ways.

I sensed so many incarnations, so many stories, so many experiences and then I felt him. He made me want to be me. Can I explain it any better? I don’t know. Words always fail me when I have to define my meditation.

The thing is that your Twinflame will make you see yourself and in such intimate ways that he/she will awaken a deep sense of love, wonder and awe in you. The feelings and emotions extended through time and space!

I was vibrating with such intensity!!!

I leave you with this gorgeous montage and soundtrack from Aronofsky’s The Fountain ~~ composed by the supremely talented Clint Mansell.

The Plan ~~ A Novel by Tinaheals

MIZPAH

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

 

I force my memory to return to that day, that fateful night.

I feel so divorced from reality that everything seems to be from a film, some experimental film, where the maker is purposely using disjointed close ups, to display the brokenness of the characters, to make visible the dehumanising of them.

It’s like when I look at advertisements- dismembered body parts of women are made to mimic products, a torso becomes a bottle of alcohol, and two legs become scissors. The woman is not only sexualized, objectified, but her body is not even allowed to remain whole, it is sliced up. What violence!

But here in this scene the filmmaker has perceived of slicing the characters to convey to me that they are somehow not whole, they are somehow disintegrating, they are fading away. The film I see, has a burnt out texture, the whole shot seems to be fragmented; there is an emptiness evident in the mise scene; the atoms are 9.999999999999% empty, so reality is essentially emptiness and I am more not here than here.

The camera is fluid, the shots keep going out of focus and then the subject gets refocused on. Wait, is this some film festival? Nah, it’s my life, more like a snapshot of my life.

That day!

I see her face; her mascara is running down her face, she looks like some character from a horror flick. Dressed in torn jeans and a white tee, her feet bare, her  messy make up, the alcohol on her breath and her cigarette smoke, they all surface at different times in my mind, like abstract close ups. They help me conjure up that very moment and I am there again.

A few weeks ago we had gone to the Police Station to file an FIR against this bastard. Not much was said that day or the following weeks of what had transpired because my sister was pretty much catatonic and has been since them, but this evening I get a call from her, drunk out of her head asking me to drop by. I ask Frank not to come as she might open up easier without a male presence, so hopping into a rick, I went straight to her Andheri apartment that she shared with Mel.

Anxiously I waited for her to get the door, and the sight that greeted my eyes shocked the living hell out of me.

Zeenia is wearing the same clothes in which she was raped and has painted her face very dramatically, presumably depicting the way she feels. I’m fucking scared. All these past few weeks what seemed like an eternity to me, she had suffered terribly from rape trauma syndrome and it has devastated us. We have all pretty much given up smiling or talking about anything normal, we just eat when hunger threatens to burn a hole through our stomach. Between Mel and me, we supervise her day and night, never allowing that one moment of weakness to overcome her. Slowly, slowly, she began to sleep for a few minutes, which has become a few hours. She’s stopped screaming in her sleep and the hallucinations about the rape have also lessened.

Only on days when we went to court, she’d be pretty much devastated to see the perpetrator sitting across the room, all smug and confident; lying through his teeth. Today the session at court was traumatic and this night is the reaction to that.

The night begins…

There are red Sula bottles strewn round the floor. I’m in Zeenia’s apartment at Yari Road, at least that’s where I think I am, my senses and understanding have abandoned me; we’re smoking spliffs and cigarettes like it’s going out of fashion.

The tiny apartment is smoky, it reeks of that cheap, sweet Sula smell that I detest; never been much of a drinker, in fact I do not care for alcohol at all, but today’s different.

Zeenia is drunk with a capital D and she keeps thrusting the bottle in my hand while petting Bhola, a stray puppy she rescued from the alleys of four bunglows. I keep sipping, knowing that she has something to say, but it is one of those things which can be mouthed out when one is sufficiently inebriated.

So I keep quiet, I drink on; we’re getting sloshed, Zeenia appears to be crying, hugging Bhola who stares at her surprised.

I see her face, a close up shot, her smeared mascara, and her face pale. What’s happened to you, my dearest friend, my sister? Why’re you wearing the same clothes? Why would you wear such ghoulish makeup?

Zeenia breaks down, she’s sobbing her eyes out. Bhola drags himself and sniffs her; he cannot walk as his hind is paralyzed, he carries his whole body weight on his front paws. There is a cello playing in the background, “Nothing else matters”, the celebrated Mettalica tune plays; there are no words, just the haunting tune spoken by the cello. It is spooky, it is surreal; eerily it plays on, the cello is hell bend on making me nauseous.

This nausea is different; it is filled with anxiety, with trepidation, with a doomsday feeling. Something bad is happening, no, no, it has happened and she is trying to tell me about it.

Birds fly high,

Heart as heavy as sinking iron.

The dusky twilight of today.

My haiku for the day, as I wait for her.

She is trying to work up the courage to speak about it, yes, something horrific has happened and she’s kept it bottled up for so long. Life as we knew it has ended, even Bhola can sense it.

Zeenia is on all-fours, on the floor, pulling her hair, screaming out in pain; all this while she was holding it in. I want to comfort her, but nausea is all I have. Where is Dadu? Where am I? Obviously not here, this body is here, pissed out of her mind, but where am I?

Am I in her scream? Am I in her pain? Am I even there? Do I even exist?

I just want to type away all this pain, yes, that’s what writers do, don’t they? A fucking fucked up cliché.

He raped me Nina, she’s saying. For the first time, I hear the words, the sinking feeling gets worse, as if it could get any worse. Since that day at the police station, she’d remained mute and unresponsive to everything, but today the flood gates have broken. I think I handled it better when she was silent, seeing her like this, with such a painful rawness is actually very scary.

Chills ran down my spine to actually hear these words- RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, it kept making a din in my consciousness. No, I did not hear it, but why is this word making so much noise, drowning everything else.

You read about rape in the newspapers, you watch it on tele, you see actors getting raped in films, you come across it in novels or short stories; but where do you encounter that word in the comfort of your own surroundings?

Such words do not perpetrate their violence in my mind when it comes to my sister.

As a writer you explore rape through different characters, you feel it deeply, but not like this.

Focus Nina, I hear a voice in my brain. Focus on what she is saying. “That bastard, he’s a fucking doctor, I trusted him…” All these words came to my ears disjointed, like a fragment from a whole dialogue but in the time they travelled to my ears these sound waves had lost most of their substance.

“How do people in positions of power abuse others so badly, I fucking don’t understand, especially women; these cunts create feminazis” shouts Zeenia. Her hands trembles as she tries to cut some white powder into straight lines. She snorts it through a crisp note, her eyes begin to water. She offers me the note; rolled up, ready to aid me in devouring some white powder.

No fucking way man, I did not yet care to fry my brain this instant, and of course the nausea is threatening to take charge. I have to keep it down. How did she get this stuff?

“Tell me all about it Zeenu, forget about the crap his lawyers are throwing at you, just tell me everything, from the beginning; he was about to operate on you, what happened?” I hear a small voice ask.

“Doctors are cunts; they probably rape patients on an everyday basis, who knows? Oh! And so are lawyers, fucking fuckballs…” she vacillates as if in a trance.

“But how, how,” I hear an insipid murmur. “How did it happen?”

“Fuck Nina, you’re just regurgitating the same shit over and over again, I was thinking about the story you wrote remember, about the rape…in the stables,” she reminds me.

I am quietened, I have no words. Yes I am dying to know how it happened, but I must not seem insensitive, as if at this point I can even feel anything. I think I officially know the meaning of hollow inside. I am guilty of writing that rape story in the stables, I am guilty, guilty…just hang me!

Once reminded of my creation of pain, I keep quiet; I know I have to pacify her, to give her some warmth. Why the fuck did I write that story? Oh Dadu, where are you now?

My mind is such a mess that right now even if Dadu appeared and spoke to me I could only materialize a vacuous stare.

Pull yourself together, that voice inside my head would just not shut up.

The scene playing in my mind, this movie I’m watching is boody nerve wracking. I want to shake this character Nina, the idiotic poet, phoo. What on Earth is her problem? Why can’t the bitch just hug her sister?

It’s as if the character in the film heard my cue. I see this Nina person slowly go up to her sister. She hugs her, it’s not a hug; it’s more of surrender. Zeenia had not expected this move, her rigid body turns limp, she surrenders to the power of human touch. The two sisters sob in each other’s arms, it’s perfect. The observer and the observed became one, for a second, I became Nina.

Nina, the writer; no big deal in a country where Chetan Bhagat is a best seller, it’s absolutely mundane now, being a writer that is. It’s officially the death of the intellectual. Besides what does this girl really write? Most would label her work as b.s, too grim, too existential (as if that’s a profanity), basically useless! Entertainment kahan gaya paaji? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yes I am a morose writer, a fucking retard, oh, and depressed retard!

Scream of infinite solitude,

Enmeshed in traffic of the soul,

A faint smile.

This kind of shit is running through my head, fuckity fuck!

The night drags on. It’s funny how when I have a pleasurable time, it’s gone before I can even quantify all the sensations I had felt; but when things go downhill, it’s like karma coming full-force to bite me in the ass.

Finally, we both stop sobbing!

Her voice is small, it’s in fact tiny!

I can barely hear it, although we’re so close.

“You know how fucked up this shit is, I went to consult him for that boob job, my producer finally gave me the cash…so I found him online and went ahead, those D cups were all I had in my head, I’m so fucked up, don’t shshhh me, I’m a dumb bitch. You told me not to go for it, but what was I to do. I needed bigger tits, for that fucking part. Fuck, shit’s really hit the roof. I’m fucked, fucked…” She says.

I have no response, my eyes are closed. I am not watching her face, just imagining her reactions.

I could see every single micro expression, every single movement of her jaws, of her eyes, how the lines creased in her face, I saw all the details without actually looking.

I taste Zeenia’s tears in my mouth or were they my own? I have no answers, I have just feelings. The nausea, the confusion is overwhelming and the emotions are transmigrating as words in my mind palace. I wish to document the pain of the dark night, there was an abundant amount of it and my psyche could not hold all.

I wait with bated breath for her to continue and it looks like Bhola did the same.

Her voice has a far off quality to it, like it echoes from some distant world. I listen as she continues.

“Don’t they have the bloody Hippocratic oath, practise medicine honestly, screw practising medicine, isn’t it absolutely unethical on so many grounds to sodomize your patient,” as she says this I realize she has stopped sobbing, so have I.

My eyes are still closed, I’m watching this scene as the abstract, fragmented film, all those extreme close ups to help the exposition along.

She moves away slowly, I just wait. Our embrace is broken, now we sit facing each other. I open my eyes, I see her eyes.

The pain in them is excruciating, it rips my heart apart. Looking into her eyes I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to pen down that emotion, that look will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Zeenia’s my baby sister, I came to the world five seconds earlier, so I’m the older sister; in any case I’ve acted like she was my choto bon.

Shey amar choto bon, boro adorer choto bon…yes, I would piss her off to no end when this song came out of my lips. Damn you Nina, cut out the didi complex, what’s with Bongs and didigiri?

And kobigiri? Kobi kobi bhab, chonder obhak. True that. What’s with all the poetry in my heart, it’d be better off being more prosaic, that’s what the world needs.

Anyway, I protected her, I supported her, I guided her; overall I performed all functions of an older sister as well as that of my mother. Dadu was always there, he was our guardian angel.

Sanity is returning slowly to me, I guess it’s the warmth from my sister’s hug. I’m inclined to ramble on, “Your tits are fine, and why did you even need to go to that asshole? I told you not to, you don’t need silicon in your tits to become an actor. You’re not a bimbo, you’re way better than that.”

Zeenu starts shrieking, “I know what you’re thinking, tell me, tell me. You think it’s my fault right?? You’re probably thinking of some fucking haiku right?”

“Nah re baba, how can it be your fault and no I’m not thinking of a fucking haiku?? Nah re shona, it is my fault. I should have insisted and when you didn’t listen I should have done something severe.”

“What severe? Tied me up?” Her voice takes on a lighter note.

“Probably, fuck knows.” A hint of a smile in my voice.

“I have made Dadu proud, gone and got myself raped.” She laughs cynically. Bhola gets excited to hear her laugh and barks loudly wagging his tail, she grabs him roughly and begins kissing him. What violent love!

“Dadu would have never judged you know that, although your desire for the film led to all this…” I murmur.

A slap is what I deserve; blurting this out was definitely not the right move.

“Desire is the root of all suffering he would say,” she smiles.

I think this night will never end and I don’t know when we passed out on the floor listening to Bob Marley- No woman no cry.

The mind is a funny mechanism, it does not remember everything, yet everything is tucked away neatly in some kind of mind palace. We remember things selectively, otherwise we’d go stark raving mad!

The scene begins to fade away, like a slow fade out. And I remember typing lines on to my laptop…

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

The lines disappear…

Another more menacing scene replaces this one. It has an ominous overture; the sound of water fills my ears.

You know the sound of water running in a shower.

Zeenia is inside and she is scrubbing herself furiously. We’ve lost the court case, after months of painful hours spent in court, the verdict is out. Dr. V is officially not guilty. It’s somehow proven that my sister’s the slut, apparently they had consensual sex. So the case is blown to dust, like a lamp extinguished with a puff.

That night will be embedded in my psyche forever. We’ve returned home after another god-awful day at court, and today was the last day. We have lost in the Mumbai high court. We may decide to challenge the verdict in Supreme Court, but that’s something we’ve got to decide together. For tonight, it is just silence I seek.

Melissa is Zeenia’s partner, they seem to be in love. I quite like her, the girl seems to have her head on her shoulders.

We were talking softly about nothing exceptional, in fact I did not even want to talk, but had to, Mel needed to talk and I was there.

So we spoke, sipping coffee and taking turns to pet Bhola.

I had insisted that Zeenia leave her bathroom door open, she had one too many episodes recently. The breakdown of her psyche bit by bit was becoming more evident and today in court I saw the look in her eyes- the look of defeat. It broke my heart.

I heard the water run in the shower and the words to her favourite song floated out. We kept on talking, the water kept running, the beats marched on. It was as if time was set in a loop. I registered nothing from the conversation with Melissa, I’m sure she didn’t either; we were both trying to keep from breaking down.

Then she politely asked us to leave her alone and went for a bath which seemed like ages. We also wrapped up and I went to see her to kiss her goodnight. Yes she was in bed, smelling wonderful, hugging Bhola. Kissing her I left, Mel went into the shower, finished up and crawled into bed.

That night I saw baba and ma in a dream, it was prophetic. I ran after being woken up by my dream and the thoughts that followed. I went into her room.

 

The air had turned chilly, if that was even possible in a city like Bombay; and I miss you like the deserts miss the rain, said the song.

We ran. I saw this happening in slow motion. My life in film- we ran to the bed, and what I had expected greeted my eyes.

She lay on the bed, all snugly hugging her Bhola who was not making any noise.

Mel shrieked Frank ran in; I don’t know what happened after that. Some sort of primeval hardwiring in my brain took care of things.

Zeenia’s mouth was wiped dry, she had to be changed into jeans and a sweatshirt; after cleaning her up, her clothes sat snugly on her body as we put her down in the couch.

I remember seeing her face, all the troubles had vanished, and she seemed to be in deep sleep. I remember Dadu singing “Amaro shone chandero kona, bhubone tulona nai re…”

He sang this song sometimes; it was apparently our mother’s favourite, her mother would sing it to her when she was a child.

Where is she? I barely remember her now, but she’s there somewhere in my psyche; sometimes I hear her sing, her smell, her touch, for a micro second I remember.

Today she had come to see me, in my dream. She had told me something which made absolutely sense- you are her, she is you…

The reality was beginning to fragment again, my head was spinning and I could hardly focus as parts of my dream danced around my mind.

I imagined her last moments; she kept her pills hidden somewhere, maybe in the cistern. I see her take out a fistful, while her tears and water all get mixed up, you’d know she’s crying if only you watched the agony on her face.

She stuffs the pills in her mouth, chokes on them but swallows them down. Reflex action, she feels like throwing up. But she clutches her mouth, forcing them down.

I cut back in my mind to another scene, we’re sitting in the bathroom floor, she’s fallen flat on her face, she’s hurt, purple blue bruises adorn her face.

“Please Zeenu, stop taking this shit. Are you trying to leave me alone, do you want to kill yourself?” I tell her.

Suddenly a smile breaks free from all this torment; she whispers softly, her voice like silk.

“Nina to be something I am not is also a form of suicide, listen I want to hand in my resignation from this fucked up life, before I get fired.”

I hear her laugh softly as if this idea had amused her.

“Quite the philosopher, to be or not to be,” I say.

“Has always been the question,” she says definitively.

“Don’t do anything stupid ok, remember what Dadu would say, all this shit is unreal.” She sensed the urgency; the request in my voice touched her somewhere I know.

She looked at me long and hard, “I’m the fucking poster girl for stupid at this moment,” She thinks, probably about Dadu as her face softens. “I doubt Dadu would quite put it like that, but I get the gist.”

We sit in silence on the cold, wet tiles, we embraced our tears instead of suppressing them and calm washed over us.

“Some fucked up illusion this is…why can’t something good happen to me for a change? She blurts out; I feel her heartache. “At least your Muffin has nine lives right, can’t he give me a couple?”

I smile. Do cats have nine lives?

Mel is touching my hands, she is trying to bring me back to the present moment. I cut back to the scene in front- my sister’s body is stone cold, she finally did the “stupid” thing.

Was it so stupid after all? My grandmother also handed her resignation and so had her father; after all we share the same mitochondrial DNA.

Somehow this incident had made Zeenia hate herself, it made her hopeless; I did not understand what could make her as full of despair as to end her life, not just hers, but end our lives.

After Dadu’s passing, she is, I mean was all I had. I’m still not used to referring to her in the past.

I can still feel her vibrations; our feelings exist as vibration along the nervous system and we feel what another feels. I feel my sister.

I hear the sound of an approaching ambulance; she will be taken away soon. Bhola is whining, his tail stiff and he just keeps licking Zeenu’s hands.

Mel was ready when they walked in, thankfully she sorted everything out. She tugged at my hands and nodded, signalling it was time to move.

I got up zombified, it was time.

The journey to the hospital is hazy, a blur in my mind.

I remember her body being carried in a stretcher, with tubes all over her nostrils and face.

What the hell were they doing to her?

It looked to me like some scene from a D-grade horror; hospitals sicken me to the core. It’s a bloody phobia-

Nosocomephobia!

I had this phobia all along which is why I had googled it; it was at least a comfort to know I am not alone.

They say that the fear essentially arises from the fact that one has no control over their lives once admitted.

A control freak, I’m not! It didn’t take me long to realize that nothing is under control and in fact nothing can ever be.

All I can recollect is sitting on a steel bench in the corridor; it’s flooded with lights, the walls are white, and everything smells disgusting! The Doctors in their garbs, mouths covered, the nurses in their uniforms, hair tied severely in a bun, they all looked scary and ugly; all the action was happening in slow motion and it looked like they were experimenting on humans. Maybe they’re aliens, who even knows?

Something about the smell in a hospital, a mix of Dettol, bleach, blood, sweat, puke and faeces; you can also smell the fear, the anxiety, the devastation disease and bodily suffering brings.

And then it just goes blank- fade to black.

Nothing else exists- not matter which is just a form of energy in a matrix of probability.

I see Dadu, his big, white beard swaying in the dark; a fire seems to burn in front of him, I can hear the wood crackle, I can see the fire dance in his eyes. He begins to look like someone not quite like Dadu, but he is him.

Dadu’s face began to morph into the face of Sanyal Mahasaya, his gurudeva. I knew that face only too well; it had been a part of my life as seeing it as the first thing in the morning cemented that face forever in my brain.

Sanyal Mahasaya looked wrathful, fearsome and terrifying. His voice was booing in my head, “Actions or karma can cause bondage, it can also liberate, in the one BEING, the ONE ALL, everything is connected to every other thing. Good and evil are subjective…the Universe is both positive and negative, like the atoms bouncing in your body…it is the whole series of contrasted qualities- NOTHING IS PURE GOOD OR PURE EVIL.”

I saw her face again; the song is playing louder now that the monologue is over, like the sound designer turned it up a notch!

“Now you’ve disappeared somewhere,

Like outer space,

You’ve found some better place

And I miss you…

Like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead…

By now the words had begun to scream at me- could you be dead??

It hit me hard- she is dead!!!

I will never hold her again, I will never laugh with her again, never share my life with her again; the same way I can never see Ma or baba or dadu.

It’s over, finito, kaput!!!

I see her again, frothing from the mouth, her body all twisted and blue from the poison, I feel the nausea swimming in my head.

I think about the observer’s paradox, this concept that the observer decides what to observe. What if I am observing all the wrong things??? There are infinite probabilities, so why is this option playing itself out??

Am I in some bizarre twisted way responsible for this? Can I take the blame for this?

I am ready to do pretty much anything at this point to suppress this immense pain; absolutely anything! Muffin where are you?

I’ve got to write, the words are coming, but not as fast as I’d like them to.

I shout, I see it, I hear it,

The pain, the atrocity, it exists….

In me…

HELP ME PUBLISH!

DONATE!

SUPPORT ME AND MY CREATIONS!!! tina@tinaheals.com

the_twins-1382139739m