The story of Hensman Anthony Firingi and Soudamini~~

Anthony Firingi
At a kavigaan

There are love stories and then there are LOVE STORIES. You have heard of Romeo and Juliet right? Two young lovers, star-crossed, die because of unwarranted hate between their families.

But today, I will tell you about a love story that is way more spiritual and revolutionary than Romeo and Juliet. In fact, it is one that has touched such a raw nerve in my heart that I strongly believe I have experienced this first-hand in some way.

The love story that I describe is not of two adolescents, but of two extremely spiritually developed people. They were twinflames here to raise the frequency of the people. But again, their love was destroyed by pure xenophobia, bigotry, racism and hate. This is a love story seldom told and it is now time for people from all over to see the beauty of this union where even the devastating tragedy that followed could not dim or lesson the love involved in any way.

He was born in Portugal in 1786 and came to Bengal with his father who was a merchant. Now before I delve into the story of this young Portuguese musician(he must have been into music because you do not start composing such tunes and sonnets if you were not into it  in some way), let me expose the story of my beloved country circa 1800.

India was the most coveted country that the European powers craved to dominate. The Spanish, the English, the French, the Dutch, the Danes and the Portuguese were all vying for power in respective states. We know how the English managed to drive every one away and pillage, plunder and rape India for over 200 years. That is another story…

Let me set the scene for you. Hensman Anthony, a young lad, came with his father, a Portuguese merchant to trade in the port city of Chandannagar which was called Farashdanga. The Portuguese were on their last legs as they were getting hardcore competition from the Dutch and the French. Eventually the Dutch lost the plot to the French by 1825. The French managed to hold onto India till about the very end, but the British were definitely the undisputed rulers of the subcontinent.

So this young Portuguese lad is anyway on hostile territory where his people and country are on their last legs. He is no powerful English Officer, he is just the son of some Portuguese trader. There is competition and aggression from the other Europeans and from such a turbulent historical period came one of the greatest Shakta tantrics who wrote and sang some of the most moving hymns to the Goddess Kali/Durga.

How is this possible? How did a Portuguese lad learn Bengali? Not in the rudimentary level, but good enough to compose complex and intense poems which he performed in kavigans. Kavigans were literally poetry face off. Two poets would go head-to-head and spout their philosophy and tunes. The crowd would decide who was the more woke guy and they felicitated him.

This tradition of bard-face-offs have been discovered in most societies. It is not a product of Comedy Central. lol. Firstly, Anthony’s father was just a merchant, well to do, maybe…but then again, just a merchant and he must have wanted the young man to follow in his footsteps, not become some freaky bard who sang in Bengali. Like seriously???

But Anthony was more interested to escape into the heart of pastoral Bengal where he would play his lute and listen to the local poets sing passionately to invoke the Goddess.

Something snaps in his brain as he pulls a chillum. He hears the lingering words of the poet Ramprasad’s Shyamasangeet and it tugged at his heart in ways he could not understand. He would spend much of his time with the poets and other yogis he discovered on his travels. He begins to meditate and do sadhana.

Anthony also begins to learn Bengali, a language he falls in love with. Now let me mention here, that Anthony’s Bengali had to be really as good as any literate Bengali poet’s, otherwise he would never be allowed or able to compete, let alone win a kavigan.

Here was a man who learnt a foreign language to the expertise of the local intellectuals. Not only that, he began to compete with them, finally wining his bout most of the times, even with the most famous poet Bholamoira.

Bengali’s are extremely picky about their language and they are never happy with a foreigner being better at it than most of them. Kinda like the French. No one can speak French better than a Frenchman. But when the kundalini awakens, all knowledge becomes available.

Anthony had lived countless lifetimes in the heart of pastoral Bengal and he knew everything about it. The Bengali Brahmins ridiculed him for dressing like them, made fun of his devotion to Kali, teased him about Jesus Christ and the Church, to which he responded by saying, There is no difference in Christ and Kali my brothers…

Hello! Wtf do you say to a man like that? How does a European get here? This is not easy let me remind you. I for one know a woman from London who has lived in Bombay for over thirty years and she can barely say five words of Hindi.

And this is not like learning the language in a University and taking exams, then returning to your country and publishing books from there. Ah what a great Orientalist! Nope. This is no internet certification that now you are a certified Bengali poet.

This was raw, this was life, this was reality. He not only stayed and worked in Bengal, but he excelled at what he did in a foreign country he chose to call home. He lived in Bengal, amidst the Bengali’s and composed some of the most touching Shakta poetry they had ever heard!

And Bengali Brahmins were a closed, snobbish, gated society who considered Europeans mlecchas or untouchables. They would not even let Anthony drink water in their houses. My peeps, this is the situation in which this young man not only awakened his kundalini, but also gave us one of the greatest spiritual love stories to treasure.

I learnt of Firingi Kalibari when I was a child. My grandmother told me and I remember how enchanted I was to listen about a Portuguese man compose these sonnets and poems in Bnegali to the Goddess Kali. It always moved me to tears.

It was much later that I discovered the true greatness of this man. Now back to a history lesson and it is pretty macabre.

In Bengal, we practised some deadly misogynistic rituals….let Wikipedia dose you up.

Sati or suttee is an obsolete funeral custom where a widow immolates herself on her husband’s pyre or commits suicide in another fashion shortly after her husband’s death..~WIKI

My peeps, in less than 1 percent cases, did the woman actually want to commit suicide, but she was forced. By societal constructs, by tradition, by women like her mothers and sisters, enablers of patriarchy themselves. It was coercion. Nothing else.

Sati was ultimately abolished because of Brahmin reformers like RAJA RAMMOHAN ROY, bless his soul as it is his birthday today. Do you see how society has been burning women in different cultures, under different pretences since time immemorial!

Why did Sati even exist you ask? Because these Brahmin women could not find husbands. They were only allowed to marry a Kulin Brahmin of Bengali origin. So me love, because of my surname Mukerji, 300 years ago, I might have been burnt on my dead husband’s pyre. Yes, I am born in a Brahmin family and this is what they have been doing to my mothers, sisters, aunts and grandmothers.

Most of these women were forced to marry a single Brahmin patriarch, because there were no Brahmin men available. Bengali Brahmin aristocratic women were not allowed to even gaze upon a Brahmin, say from UP or Bihar. Forget a European.

My grandmother tells me how some English officers would come to meet her father. The women were never allowed to even glance at a European man. They lived in a different segment of the house anyway called ANDARMAHAL. She told me that there was an Englishman called Robert who really liked her. I think he sent her a letter through her maidservant and of course, all hell broke loose.

Not that my grandmother would have even reciprocated. You see, for them European men were strange creatures whom they did not consider as mates. It was literally that simple.

I am harping on the time-frame so you get a good understanding of how dangerous it was for Anthony to fall in love with a Bengali widow during such turbulent times. This is way more dangerous than the Romeo Juliet saga.

Anthony saves Soudamini from self immolation and takes her to his place. Now after laying the groundwork, I do not need to stress how dangerous an action this is.

Most of the intellectuals are pissed as he is doing so well in his kavigan face-offs. How dare an upstart European sing hymns to the Goddess? How can he have any knowledge of the Goddess? He is a Christians. And then he goes and rescues a Brahmin Bengali woman.

There have been cases of rape and molestation when European men and Indian women have been concerned. But I think this was the first time, in recorded history, a Brahmin woman consensually began to live with a European man openly, not giving a fuck as to what the villagers have to say.

They were twinflames who dedicated their life to awakening the kundalini, practiced tanta and even worked on developing the kali temple together. Their sadhana deeped and gathered a small following. This was no interracial love story of today where any person can get married to anyone as long as it is legal and sanctified by a court.

But here, there was no court, no law to allow a Brahmin widow to remain at the side of her European lover/partner. Their lives were plagued by attacks from the conservatives.

In the kabiyan competitions, Anthony’s rival poets often brought up Soudamini’s name to taunt and ridicule him. It upset him tremendously, but he learnt to take in in his stride.

This was 1830’s or so, it is now 2017 and not much has changed. Even today, in India, you can get attacked if you are in love with a man from a different faith or caste or whatever. I shared a video recently of a Hindu girl attacked by a woman politician for falling in love with a Muslim. So as you see my love, nothing has really changed.

At least they don’t burn us any more openly and call it sati. They would if they could. After all we need to be chaste and if we are truly chaste and not little whores then the fire would not burn us, would it? What Sita had to go through centuries ago, is very much an active wound in our unconscious.

Anthony and Soudamini were blooming in their creative, spiritual love nest they had created. Anthony had composed the AGAMANI SONGS, for which he became noted and this is like synchronicity on steroids because these hymns were written to Goddess Durga as she comes to visit Earth from her heavenly abode.

Guess what my love. That time is now. Goddess Durga or the KUNDALINI has just stirred and she is making her ascent at this time as I type. The Bengali’s celebrate Durga Puja now and it is the most important festival for them.

The Agamani Songs are to be hymned now and I think the spirit of Hensman Anthony is urging me to tell you his story. He wants you too know how much he loved the woman they took from him.

The world is truly cruel.

His wife Saudamini was burnt to death, for being a widow and re-marrying Anthony, who was a foreigner. ~~Wiki

There, that’s what the Brahmin puritanical conservatives did. They burnt her and their ashram while he was away. He may have returned home from one of his biggest wins to see his whole reality and the love of his life burnt to crisp.

Ominous, isn’t it? Soudamini was pregnant.

This is what bigotry does. This is the scope of fanaticism. As we head into the new Era, let us consider this as a cautionary tale. Maybe they took this karma upon themselves to show us what hatred can do. But in this there is a message…

Even after three hundred years, a random blogger/lifecoach finds this story to tell you at this very precise point in time?!? It means that hate did not win. Ultimately it is their love that won. It is their spiritual mission that is still standing as the Firingi Kalibari where millions of Shakta’s go to invoke the kundalini.

Love wins all my Beloved…

Find a man who will love you like Anthony loved Soudamini. Love a man who will go against all establishment to join with you in sacred union. Or else stay single.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Eighth Dasamahavidya~~ Bagalamukhi~~Some musings!

There is an interesting story about the origin of Bagalamukhi, the eighth manifestation of the Divine Feminine.

Now time is broken up into different kalas to denote specific periods. During PURAKAL, there were extremely strong winds which denote chaos and confusion in the mind. Now to combat these winds which could potentially destroy all of creation, VISHNU, the GOD OF PRESERVATION began a strict penance to get answers. This was near some ancient river.

The reference behind the origin of Goddess Bagalamukhi is found in Svatantra Tantra. Once upon a time, a huge storm erupted over the Earth. As it threatened to destroy whole of the creation, all the gods assembled in the Saurashtra region. Goddess Bagalamukhi emerged from the ‘Haridra Sarovara’, and appeased by the prayers of the gods, calmed down the storm. You can see replica of ‘Haridra Sarovara’, as described in scriptures, at Peetambara Peetham, Datia, Madhya Pradesh, India.~~Wiki

But of course all this is ALLEGORY and PARABLE. Let us get to the metaphysics of it.

This means that the HIGHER SELF who is VISHNU aka KRISHNA in the BHAGAVADGITA began to awaken the kundalini with meditation. And after his sadhana was complete, he was blessed with the DEVI’S arrival from the ancient river. This symbolises the AWAKENING OF THE KUNDALINI and there she stood…the Goddess, as BAGALAMUKHI, the resplendent one!

When the kundalini awakens, she is truly resplendent!

As soon as the Goddess surfaces, the destructive winds quieten down. Again this symbolises the fact that as soon as the kundalini rises, there is no turbulence in the mind. The disturbing winds have been silenced! That is the power of the kundalini. She can break through this 3D awareness and take you to other dimensions.

However, there is another to the Goddess Dhumavati and Bagala in the PURANAS.

One day in Kailasha, Parvati approached Shiva to fetch her some food as he was ravenous. Now Shiva, like any other dude, took his own sweet time to get the food to her which is why she ate him. What is a girl to do right? Lol

There is great depth in this cannibalism. Parvati is the kundalini who wants to be fed meditation and spiritual awareness. Now Shiva who symbolises consciousness here, refused to feed all that to the Goddess or the Kundalini and in the process became the consumed.

If you do not feed your spiritual awakening, it will literally eat you up. As a human, as a soul. It will consume you with materialism and addictions of all kinds. And eventually you will be consumed.

Shiva is also the SUPRA CONSCIOUSNESS which is why Parvati’s body starts to decompose. This goes to show that the kundalini, which is the symbol of life needs the human body as much as the human needs the shakti of the kundalini. This links to the OBSERVERS PARADOX. This means that this reality is a hologram being projected from one unitary source. That is Shiva/Parvati or the two polarities. Call them what you want.

Now once she has turned black, Shiva tells her to remove her sindoor which means that she or the kundalini has now reached the crone stage. She is self sufficient, for she has consumed her Shiva. She does not require any balance of polarities, she has become one.

This is when the body turns to spirit, in higher dimensions. You do not need sexual union or a cock and a vagina. You do not need electrons and protons to repel one another for reality to be observed. You just need to realise your crone stage and take in your yang/yin. This is profound.

Dhumavati is the SEVENTH form of the Goddess or the Kundalini! The number seven is the spiritual path, the most unconventional path. Which is why DHUMAVATI sadhana is not done by just anyone. It can never be done at home. In fact, her beeja mantra can never even be uttered at home, or else catastrophe can happen. DHUMAVATI severs you from the samsara. Dhumavati means her form is of smoke which translate to she has NO FORM aja she is formless/timeless/space-less.

Her rituals and invocation can only be done in the charnel grounds.

Now the form of the eighth Goddess is BAGALAMUKHI who is in MANIMANDAPA which is located in AMRITASAGARA and is seated on a throne full of jewels. Jewels here signify spiritual wealth of the Kundalini which when awakened is seated on the metaphorical throne and we become Bagalamukhi.

BAGALAMUKHI is yellow.

In almost every culture yellow represents sunshine, happiness, and warmth. Yellow is the color most often associated with the deity in many religions (Hinduism and Ancient Egypt). Yellow is the color of traffic lights and signs indicating caution all over the world. ~~colormatters.com

It also represents clarity, purity,  freshness, happiness, positivity, clarity, energy, optimism, enlightenment, remembrance, intellect, honour, loyalty, and joy, but on the other, it represents cowardice and deceit and Bagala is the Goddess of reversals.

Bagalamukhi is also called Pitambaradevi or Brahmastra Roopini and she turns each thing into its opposite. She turns speech into silence, knowledge into ignorance, power into impotence, defeat into victory. She represents the knowledge whereby each thing must in time become its opposite. As the still point between dualities she allows us to master them. To see the failure hidden in success, the death hidden in life, or the joy hidden in sorrow are ways of contacting her reality. Bagalamukhi is the secret presence of the opposite wherein each thing is dissolved back into the Unborn and the Uncreated. ~~Wiki

Bagala is the shakti of Mars. The feminine or the yin or the kundalini shakti of Mars. Yes every planet in the tantra system has their devi or kundalini shakti.

In fact her invocation is the most comprehensive way to deal with any Mars afflictions or hard aspects. Believe me, without a strong Mars, it is impossible to move ahead and perform in this world.

Kamakhya Temple in Guwahati is considered to be the centre of Tantricism, where there is the presence of temples dedicated to the ten Mahavidyas. A few miles away from the Kamakhya Temple is the temple dedicated to the Goddess Bagalamukhi. I will explore Kamakhya in detail very soon in another article, but this is the very heart and Bengal and parts of the North where she is worshipped the most.

Baglamukhi is the eighth mahavidya, invoked for destruction of enmity, often mistaken for enemy. This is the Supreme divine force, believed to have been invoked by Lord Ram to destroy the demon Ravan with his descendants. ~~Wiki

And the saga of Rama and Ravana could only be dealt with after invoking the kundalini….

Much more coming up on all the dasamahavidyas…

http://www.tinaheals.com

 

 

 

 

Aghoribaba, Tarapith and Nilasaraswati~~

 

“OM hriim taarayai vidmahe mahomaayai dhiimahi tanno devi prachodayaath…”

“You know you have to recite the Tara Gayatri in the morning …” said my Dadu and I am not a morning person. Grrrrr!

TARA agrees. There she stands smiling.

This mantra takes me back to my childhood. I have been saying this mantra since I could speak every morning. I had no idea how important it was to do SHAKTI/TARA puja. I had no idea.

Talking to an Avadhuta in one of my first Mahakumbhamela gatherings, I learnt that according to the Tarasara in the Rudradhyaya, one should meditate on the yoni/pussy covered with svayambhu flowers and the lingam and recite this. Around hundred crore repetitions have to be done to activate this. And no sadhika can get siddhi in this GUPTA VIDYA or hidden knowledge if this is not recited first thing in the morning.

DADU made me do it even before I stepped off the bed. You have to read my novel to know who DADU really is or was. He is not with me in 3D anymore, but he never left.

And Tara smiles. You know that IMMENSE feeling if you are a true SHAKTA or GODDESS WORSHIPPER. The Goddess appears in everything- in every woman, in every sunshine, in every teardrop.

Shaktas conceive the Goddess as the supreme, ultimate, eternal reality of all existence, or same as the Brahman concept of Hinduism. She is considered to be simultaneously the source of all creation, its embodiment and the energy that animates and governs it, and that into which everything will ultimately dissolve. ~~wiki

Sometimes she appears as NILA SARASWATI in my visions. Let me tell you about that time I visited Tarapith with a Nath Aghora Yogi I met in the Mahakumbha mela. He had practised much of his vidya in the cremation grounds of Tarapith and he agreed to take me.

If you don’t know what that is, let me give you a brief story.

It is the seat of TARA VIDYA where the MAHARISHI from the Vedic pantheon VEDAVYASA achieved TARA siddhi. The story goes something like this…

Vedavyasa tried repetitively to gain siddhi in Tara worship, but no matter how hard he tried, he kept failing. At a point he was guided by Tara herself to seek out Shakyamuni Buddha who was known to be in Mahachina which in ancient Indian texts is Tibet.

So Vyasa ultimately found Shakyamuni who initiated him in the GUPTA VIDYA of Tara sadhana and yes, he finally understood the WISDOM OF SHAKTI or SOPHIYA as the kabbalists would call her.

Anyway that is the power of this Tara Gayatri, so start by reciting this every morning.

Now back to Tara. Tara is also known as KAMAKHYA, the VULVA which represents SHAKTI in Guwahati, Assam. Kamakhya is a special place of interest for me.

The shrine stands atop the NILGIRI or the BLUE MOUNTAINS and is shrouded in mystery and lore. The recent temple was built in the 16th century but Tara tells me it is much older. Almost as old as the land itself! And the TANTRIC FERTILITY RITUAL is performed during the Ambubachi Mela which is the celebration of the yearly menstruation course of goddess Kamakhya. There is no idol of the presiding deity but she is worshipped in the form of a yoni-like stone instead over which a natural spring flows.

During this time you will see sadhus, saints and siddhas who do not appear anywhere else at any time. They live isolated but come for their rituals during this festival. I have been there many times and it is wild! Too many people come now, but if you manage to speak to the right siddhas and they are willing to talk, then the proverbial goldmine opens up in front of you.

Kamakhya is a emanation of SATI.

Sati and Dakshayagya. If you don’t know much about this, then know this that Sati was the wife of Shiva. Now there is a clash depicted here between her father who ruled the heavens and Shiva who lived in the cremation grounds. Same old Romeo Juliet stuff.

Daddy does not approve, Sati marries Shiva anyways and moves away. But she misses her family. Then she hears of her father performing a special YAGYA which will bring peace to heaven and Earth. Everyone in the whole Universe was invited except Shiva and her. She decides to go although Shiva warns her and the rest is History…

She gets insulted and immolates herself. Shiv arrives and brings the end of creation with his famous TANDAV. The dance that brings PRALAYA or the destruction of the multiverses!

BRAHMA/VISHNU/SHIVA- THE TRINITY RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATION/PRESERVATION AND DESTRUCTION, so to PRESERVE the multiverses VISHNU releases his ultimate weapon- the SUDARSHANA CHAKRA which slices SATI’S dead body into FIFTY TWO parts which fall on Earth and became the SHAKTIPEETHS. These are the most powerful vortixes of energy.

Now getting back to KAMAKHYA, let me tell you that place is of special importance in my sadhana. I have been visiting it since I was seven and every time it feels like I am entering a parallel world, so steeped it is in magick, folklore and mysticism.

Tara or Kamakhya is so potent here, her energy REVERBERATES through the winds that blow, the stars that shine and the rain that falls. Her smile is present in the hibiscus flowers. Sometimes I see her tongue in the fires that burn the dead bodies. The dancing flames dance in my eyes.

Here TARA is KAMARUPA, the form of desire and she is worshipped as the yoni (“vulva,” “womb,” or “source”). KAMAKHYA my peeps is true PUSSY POWER and if you have any connection to tantra or Shakti, then you will concur.

You know what SHIVA did? He became BHAIRAV and established himself right next to the yoni. What is he without her? Nothing? He won’t even be Shiva to create and destroy Universes if he does not have his Shakti.

You know what my plans are…I want to raise enough funds to go and live in Kamkhya for a year or so, to shoot, write and create unique content on the more misunderstood, esoteric aspects of Yoni Puja. Tara is smiling and that dubious smile tells me nothing.

Maam meem muum or maim maum maah- that is the mantra to invoke the divine yoni/pussy. If you are a woman, all you need is YONI NYASA to do the ritual. However if you are a man, then you need a living Goddess. If you are not sure, message me.

Dr. Ramnath Aghori came to me in my dreams. He took me to Nepal. It is fascinating when we talk. I have never heard him talk, but he conveys his ideas to me through telepathy. I discover that RAMNATH BABA had sanctified and locked away a tiny room near a hill. It was a temple and no one was allowed to open it. But the QUEEN OF Nepal did so and the repercussions were severe. Her son shot the whole family. You know about the bloody Nepali shootout killing the royals. This room was not any ordinary room.

I think that room is an energy vortex. You know there are dimensional warps yes? And lots of Shakti peeths are built on them or near them. And SHIVA LINGAMS are on the ley lines.

Ramnath Baba is a reincarnation of Garakhnath. I have always known this. Ramnath baba lived and did tapas in the BHOOTNATH cremation grounds for many years. In fact that is one place he still visits most frequently. I am dying to visit this spot. It has many answers I know.

Oh a thing worth mentioning. If you read about Ramnath baba online there are some American disciples who have written about him. Now they mention BYOMSHANKAR AGHORI and claim he was seven feet, blond and blue eyed. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Baba BYMSHANKAR AGHORI is from Bengal, from a tiny hamlet called BAKRESHWAR. There are some writings on him in Bengali and yes, he was the last lineage holder of Swayambhunatha or Guru Padmasambhava. No one has seen him since a few decades, but the people in the village thik that he still comes

We Bengalis have intertwined much with Tibetan spirituality as tantra travelled from the golden banks of Bengal to Tibet, to China, to Mongolia and to Japan and of course then spread all over the world.

The MUSLIM TURKISH ARMY destroyed one of the greatest libraries of the ancient past- NALANDA. They say it burnt for many many months after it was set on fire. Imagine the priceless tantric and yogic texts that were destroyed.

You know that Aghoribaba was the royal guru right? But let me tell you why?

The King of Nepal saw SHIVA/SHAKTI in baba’s palms. Now what does this mean? This means that Aghoribaba was a COMPLETE BALANCE OF YIN/YANG. Actually such siddhas become gender-less.

Now Aghori baba had also warned that the king’s head will roll and his son will be responsible. This is due to an OLD CURSE on the Nepalese royalty by none other than baba GORAKHNATH.

GORAKHNATH is the PROTECTOR OF GORKHA, a place from where the king’s ancestors came. Prithvi Narayan Shah, the founder of the kingdom of Nepal who began to conquer different kingdoms and brought them under one rule. One day this king offered a saint some curd. The saint was AGHORESHWAR GORAKSHANATH. He sipped it and then puked it out. Then he offered it back to the king! :O

Of course the king did not drink it. He chucked it on the floor and therefore got cursed that his dynasty would be ERASED because of his pride after 10 generations!!!

Now, now, now…Baba Ramnath’s disciple was the NINTH GENERATION and he was slain by his own son who never ruled even though he was crowned king. So you see, the royal family could not avoid Gorakhnath’s curse.

Now Ramnath baba is himself Gorakhnath. See how he executed his lila by returning for the finale! That is how Tara works.

You do remember the crematorium story don’t you? Yes I was there, all alone in the night. In the smashan in Tarapith. My spiritual brother by my side. We began the rituals and the yagya.

I cannot go much into detail here as some of it is too personal..but I can tell you the cremation grounds frightened the FUCK OUT OF ME. I heard laughter, shouting, screams, whispers, wolves or maybe dogs howling and then the scarist sound. When the body burns, the log crackles and the fire hisses. I do not think I can describe that sound. It is the sound of death and the sound of life.

And in trance the night was over. Of course Gorakhnath was there, in the form of Ramnath baba and then finally I saw her. Her as NILASARASWATI. She was short and scary. Her belly was extended. In fact it was the BLUE on her skin that made me realise who she is. She stared right at me and I passed out as I looked at the THREE EYES.

The Avadhuta who took me there told me that I sat in padmasana the whole night till the first rays of the Sun illuminated the cremation ground. He dropped me back and we never spoke a single word. He did not ask me a thing and I had no words. Only the BAUL SONG played in the background… 

“Khachar bhitor ochin pakhi kemne ashe jay”  which loosely translates to …
the unknown bird in the cage, how does it fly in and out? 
The link below is a BAUL/FOLK SHAKTA SONG from the heart of Bengal depicted in critically acclaimed internation film Moner Manush..

 

Do you know that ONLY A WOMAN CAN INITIATE YOU IN TARA TANTRA?

In Tibetian tradition, Neela Saraswati is known as Yang Cheng Mo. Yangchengmo is the Goddess for performing arts, especially music. In her musical moment and demeanour, Neela Sarasvati is called Piwa Karpo. Her Chinese Buddhist name is Miao-yin-mu. Sarasvati’s mythology is about PURIFYING THE CONSCIOUSNESS. In this she shares her characteristics with White Tara and also with her Japanese equivalent, Benten or Benzeiten.

The AGHORI SECT is very Plutonic and it is believed that ALEISTER CROWLEY devoted much time in discovering their gupta sdhanas. He is even known to have spend time with Ramnath Baba.

I wish Ramnath baba would tell me about Crowley, but he does not. In fact, he comes and goes as he wishes and I can never stop him. And Tara…she disappears…and reappears…like a hologram! Wait this 3D world is just another simulation right??

I am Manifest Divinity, Unmanifest Divinity, and Transcendent Divinity. I am Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, as well as Saraswati, Lakshmi and Parvati. I am the Sun and I am the Stars, and I am also the Moon. I am all animals and birds, and I am the outcast as well, and the thief. I am the low person of dreadful deeds, and the great person of excellent deeds. I am Female, I am Male in the form of Shiva. ~~ Devi-Bhagavata Purana

 

Energy Update~Channelled writing

I have been feeling extremely charged with cosmic energy the last few weeks. The Lionsgate Activation, the NM on my birthday in Leo on the 23rd of July, then the FM on my partner’s sign and now the eclipse on my natal Saturn.

Now forget the astro…

BE MENTALLY ACTIVE AT ALL TIMES NOW.

The Solar flares have been insane and other celestial entities are also vroooming the Earth with massive loads of energy. The spirits, fairies, angels or whatever you call them are out and about.

The retrograde planets are adding to the drama and in two days Merc stations retro and is now in shadow! Fuck! Merc in the shadow period is DEADLY and most mistakes happen now.

Listen my Beloved, the energies will only intensify, so please stay connected to whatever or whoever raises your frequency. This is not the time to be fixated on something or someone that brings down your resonance. This is not the time…

Find your MUSE! This is a creativity overflow- so tap into it. Make love to someone beautiful. Your UNCONSCIOUS is rife with material…use it, help us all. Working with ANIMAL and PLANT SOULS can be sooooo healing right now.

The Activation of this portal made me think of my Lion, my Twinflame and what can I say….such profound memories and vibes penetrated deep in me that I know he feels me too. He knows me and is thinking of me as much as I of him. But probably in another dimension. In another parallel world?

The other day, someone from Russia(another psychic) told me that she thinks my twinflame is reading my writing and that got me thinking…

Maybe I should write an open letter to him. He might read it in another DAUGHTER UNIVERSE. Ha!

Okay now listen…

I was listening to all these NASA audios of the planets and while invoking Saturn, I was listening to the sounds he makes and then suddenly, I lost consciousness. I was in another dimension and I do not remember anything.

But listen…what I discovered is that there is a HUGE AMOUNT OF ENERGY coming from the GALACTIC CENTRE WHERE SATURN IS RETROGRADE.

Of course our SPIRITUAL SUN is illumining the collective consciousness with all these bombardments. My Beloved…

There is no place to hide now…

There is also a BLACK HOLE at the centre of the MILKY WAY and there is so much happening put there that we humans who are like ants to these heavenly giants are also feeling it strongly.

Do you know Andromeda is cannibalising the milky way?

https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/milky-way-collide.html

My SPIRITUAL GUIDES tell me that there is imbalance right now in our neck of the woods(eh cosmos?)

Listen, all energy workers are going crazy, because some of us are really not ready to deal with this type of work. It can drive you crazy.

But this is no time to hide.

Listen…

These intense waves of energy is literally made me feel so tuned in and charged that it is hard to explain in words. I feel so orgasmic, so many times without any sexual stimulation. I know the energy is working all the time. Sexual energy is the very crux of creative power.

Now how can I explain the feeling I have been having since my birthday?

There is a humming I hear at times, sounds a bit like a deep OM. Then there are sudden pressure waves that attack my frontal lobe. Headaches, no I do not think they can be called that….whatever these feelings are, whatever is going on in my brain is stupendous.

Sometimes the process is becoming painful and there is strife. It is easy to provoke me now. I am in a state of nostalgia. I don’t know for what or who.

My THROAT CHAKRA and my SOLAR PLEXUS are supremely active.

And on top of that I began to bleed a day before the Aquarius FM. I always bleed with the cycles of the Moon. And my psychic visions are much more powerful when I bleed.

If the pressure gets too much ground yourself.

Hug a tree.

If nothing else works and you need a friend, pm me.

The frequency is rising and the time is coming…

For twinflames to meet…

Oh and do not get upset by your body…

No matter what happens, love your body. This message is not just for my sisters, it applies to my brothers out there too. Thank your body. Talk to it and show it love. Touch yourself sensually as you would a lover. Learn what makes your body tick, so when you join with your twinflame you know WHAT FEELS RIGHT.

Triggers, triggers, triggers…everywhere…CONFRONT YOUR FEARS. Think of what matters.

Don’t cave in. Don’t succumb. Don’t lose yourself.

There was such a profound sadness I felt during the eclipse. That night I dreamt of the cremation grounds. That night I saw myself sitting alone, in front of the flames and breathing.

Yes there was fear in me, but there was also a calm. Slowly watching the fire dance, I realised that fear and calm had become ONE. The flames were flickering and distorted sounds were coming to my ears. Chants, mantras, voices from my past…

Then I saw Ramnath Aghori baba, who is known to be one of the supremely realised yogis from the NATH AGHORA tradition. He has been guiding my journey since the Maha Kumbh mela of 2010.

Ramnath baba was sitting opposite and in his hands, there was the DUMRU. Yes the dumru of Shiva. I heard the primordial NADA or sound of the dumroo and still now I as I write my body is full of goose bumps.

I saw Baba Ramnath take so many shapes- Gorakhnath, Matsyedranath, Shiva, my father, someone who molested me…his face took on so many identities.

Almost like the FACELESS MEN from GOT! But I just sat and watched him.

I seriously have no recollection of what I felt, but I think the message was clear- ALL IS ONE. This vision made my resolve even stronger. I want to write more about tantra. Explore it for people who might not be scholars or yogis. I have always wanted to get those stories out there.

Now cut back to the story… Staring at Ramnath baba and the flames flickering, the sounds drowning my thoughts…that is when a DARKNESS began to envelope my consciousness…that darkness is KALI.

There is nothing here my Beloved..there is only LOVE.

What else do you seek in this illusion?

The Universe wants to know what love is. But how is consciousness going to know what feeling, touching, kissing, making love feels like?

Consciousness has to create holograms like you and me. Real thinking and feeling holograms….to know love, death, pain, anger, sadness, melancholia, orgasmic bliss and all shades of emotions.

I know this eclipse season something within me has been UNLEASHED. I feel this presence strongly. Sometimes it feels foreign, sometimes it feels like me.

This presence of love, of bliss, of orgasmic ecstasy.

Where have the eclipse energies taken you? What frequency are you vibrating at?

The energy is OFF THE CHARTS and it is available to you My Beloved.

Remember I love you, I believe in you and will always do.

Beloved, I am yours for you are mine. I am in you and you in me. We are ONE!

Like the stars above. They are in us and we in them!

The Schumann Resonance Is Spiking – Mother Earth Is Awakening

A great Awakening has been unfolding on Planet Earth and many people have been able to sense it. In recent years the heart beat of the planet has begun to speed up and the consciousness of humanity is expanding and making way for more awareness.~~Higherdensityblog

Collectively we are raising Gaia’s vibrations as we lay the foundations of a new age- of love…love…love…

Let us CO-CREATE our SAGA OF LOVE.

Kali, Kali, Kali

“DARKNESS ALONE FILLED THE BOUNDLESS ALL, FOR FATHER, MOTHER AND SON WERE ONCE MORE ONE, AND THE SON HAD NOT AWAKENED YET FOR THE NEW WHEEL, AND HIS PILGRIMAGE THEREON.” ~~HPB

KALI MANTRA FOR INVOCATION~~

Sarvamaṅgalamāṅgalyē śivē sarvārthasādhikē . śaraṇyē tryambakē gauri nārāyaṇi namō’stu tē. Oṃ jayantī mangala kālī bhadrakālī kapālinī . durgā ksamā śivā dhātrī svāhā svadhā namō’stu‍tē

The DARK GODDESS has been the anchor of my soul in the turbulent seas of samsara. My support system, my provocateur, my muse, my melancholia…I could go on forever, for she or that energy exists in everything, everyone and every experience.

Sometimes, tears stream down my face and I think that WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH! Is there any end to my avaricious wants, desires and needs? After going through so much, so much pain, am I still not done wanting more? Everything dies. Everything vanishes. Everything fades away. Confronted with my own mortality, thoughts cease to function with the same effectiveness.

Kali, listen to me, and stop this torture. Put an end to this 3D illusion, you DARKNESS. And please, by DARK, I DO NOT MEAN EVIL!

HPB discusses DARKNESS “…in the sense of the Unmanifested and the Unknown as the opposite pole to manifestation, and that which falls under the possibility of speculation. … it is not Darkness as absence of Light, but as one incomprehensible primordial Principle, which, being Absoluteness itself, has for our intellectual perceptions neither form, colour, substantiality, nor anything that could be expressed by words.”

Even the BIBLE states, “darkness surrounds the pavilion” of God!

Absolute Light and Absolute Darkness are interchangeable terms, as are Absolute Consciousness and Absolute Unconsciousness. Duality is the very harmonics of this resonance!

Kali’s bosom is my place of retreat and I can feel her embrace as I look at the dark night around me. The night envelops me in her arms and it is none other than my DARK ONE. How can I love the FORCE OF TIME? That random abstract principle? I cannot. I can only think of her as Kali.

Being Bengali, you grow up with a healthy dose of everything Kali. And there I discovered some of the most precious gems in the form of verses written by a Mystical Poet in Bengal. His name was Rajanikanto. Those verses echoed every single thought of my six year old brain. I used to know them by heart at that age.

How could a child grasp, to some extent this LARGENESS OF EMOTION. This gorgeousity of devotional fervour! I mean how? I don’t know. Even today I am perplexed. All I remember is locking myself in the room, listening to the cassette tapes again and again, sobbing my eyes out. It was like every word pricked my consciousness to remind me of WHO I AM.

Who am I? Who is Kali? What is this world? Why are we here?

See I bifurcate again. I was talking about those mystical verses. In one of them, the poet has written…

No one on Earth loves.

In fact, this Earth does not know how to love.

Take me away, to where there is only LOVE.

My heart craves for such a place…

Got me evaluating at a very young age. What does LOVE mean in the 3D realm of duality?

Seriously guys…what the fuck does love mean?

What does it mean to you? What does it mean to your family?

Who do you extend that love to?

The answers to these questions fester like putrid stuff in the quagmire of my mind. There is no resolution for there is no love. LOVE IS LOST.

Kali has taught me how to LOVE. By making sure that I break my conscious paradigm again and again, she has made sure that I AM LEFT WITH NO OPTION TO LOVE.

To be a child of Kāli, Rāmprasād asserts, is to be denied of earthly delights and pleasures. Kāli is said to refrain from giving that which is expected, I quote from Wiki, but trust me I know exactly what this means.

After making sure that nothing goes the way I want, Kali made me see that DESIRE IS INDEED THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. Does that mean that I have no desires? I still do, the stupid 3D being that I am. Everyday is a lesson learnt. Life is not what I want it to be, because life is just the way it is meant to be.

Didn’t Lao Tsu try to drill this ACCEPTANCE part of existence into our collective consciousness? He failed. Human know nothing about acceptance. And I speak of myself…can I truly JUST BE? Think about it. A state of JUST BEING does not equate to a state of NON BEING.

Of course I will initiate karma in this world as my desires push me to, but then I have to accept that there will be DISAPPOINTMENTS and Kali showed me how to grow from that disappointment. All this pain, resentment and anger inside me, she, the COSMIC MOTHER soothed away. Like only mothers can. Who will stand up for this?

The father can never calm the baby the way a mother can. After all, it is her physiology that creates the child. The father is the seed. The MILKY WAY is a mother BTW. Yes she is feminine.

The Milky Way (feminine) and Andromeda (masculine) are simply a galactic expression of this principal. ~~http://moonbirdblog.com

They are the SHIVA/SHAKTI as galaxies. Whoa! Something to ponder about.

Yet, why is there rampant patriarchy ruling the Earth when indeed, she is feminine, just like her mother, the Milky Way. That is the imbalance.

Kali is the unrestrained, most secretive feminine principle that carries withing it eternal mysteries of fertility, magic, death, birth and regeneration! And that POWER is external as well as internal. Do not believe me? Everyone has an internal Kali. It is true.

AS ABOVE SO BELOW

In those mystical verses, the Poet sings…

Everything happens because you will it so,

You are the Will of the Universe, Oh Tara,

You execute whatever needs to be executed through me.

And the foolish think, it is my feat!

It is your INTERNAL KALI, that PRIMEVAL, CATACLYSMIC, SUPREME POWER that does what you need to do. Your karma or actions all arise from a deep spiritual unconscious that is manifested in 3D from the etheric fields as they SOLIDIFY.

Yes SPIRITUAL UNIVERSES solidify and become dense. That is when Universal forces of SHIVA/KALI come to play. And it is these forces that play through everything. The ETERNAL TWINFLAMES creating Universes to experience, grow, love, hurt, cry and die. Shiva/Shakti as mere mortals. As you and me.

This age is in dire need of Kali’s benevolence…OF HER DARK FORM.

“THE SEVEN SONS WERE NOT YET BORN FROM THE WEB OF LIGHT. DARKNESS ALONE WAS FATHER-MOTHER, SVABHAVAT; AND SVABHAVAT WAS IN DARKNESS.” ~~HPB

Do not be fearful of her wrathful emanation! Nobody understands Kali.

There is so much DISTORTION in her myths, so much SENSATIONAL YELLOW JOURNALISM done on her person(sounds familiar? Like any other woman),, that her story is lost to the world of patriarchy.

People are fearful of her. Even today, in India, I have had people see her image on the wall and comment how it is DANGEROUS to keep an image of her at home. I mean is every single Bengali household doing it wrong? Kali, whether she is worshipped or whether she hangs as a feminist symbol, can be seen pretty much in every house in Calcutta.

She is a part of our History. She is our guide. She is our mother. She is our consciousness.

Kali is ALL-CONQUERING! So whatever it is that you want to win over, there is no better YIDAM or meditation deity than her. So invoke her if you need to work with this SEVERANCE energy.

Kali is not a Vedic Goddess. She is a tantric Goddess and she is MAHAMAYA, the manifested reality. She stands on KALA, or ETERNAL TIME and become SPACE.

Space is dark, Kali is dark.

Kālī is the feminine form of kālam (“black, dark coloured”). Kālī also shares the meaning of “time” or “the fullness of time” with the masculine noun “kāla”—and by extension, time as “changing aspect of nature that bring things to life or death.” Other names include Kālarātri(“the black night”), and Kālikā (“the black one”).

The homonymous kāla, “appointed time”, which depending on context can mean “death”, is distinct from kāla “black”, but became associated through popular etymology. ~~WIKI

Tantra texts call KALI, KALASHAKTI, the REASON OF CAUSATION!

There is no stop to this play, this eternal play that is going on between the masculine and the feminine. They stop not for a moment. For if they stopped their exchange of energy, everything ceases to be. Nothing remains.

This HOLOGRAM, stacked UNIVERSES, Daughter Universes…everything manifests because of SHIVA/SHAKTI. Call them what you like! They are the binary!

The Kalikula (family of Kali) form of Shaktism is most dominant in Nepal, northern and eastern India, and is most widely prevalent in West Bengal, Assam, Bihar and Odisha, as well as parts of Maharashtra, Bangladesh and some parts of Kerala. Kalikula lineages focus upon the Devi as the source of wisdom (vidya) and liberation (moksha). They generally stand “in opposition to the brahmanic tradition,” which they view as “overly conservative and denying the experiential part of religion.” ~~WIKI

Kali is the principle deity. So you see, how she has been up in arms against the patriarchal Vedic religion which even denied women the right to become priests.

My Ancestors have a special connection to Kali other than just being from Bengal. My grandmother comes from a family which were the main Brahmin Priests and caregivers of Kali and her temple in Calcutta. They were Haldars and there is a street named after my ancestor. Everyone knows the HALDARS even today and our connection to the place is also no secret.

My grandmother’s grandmother used to take a dip in the Ganges first thing in the morning(crack of dawn) and open the temple with the aarthi. I have so many stories from my grandmother that I wish to share. Stuff she heard from her grandmother. And then of course what bonded us was the love we shared for Kali. It stretched across generations and mitochondrial DNA. So standing before you, a Priestess of the hoary past…:)

I will continue my saga of love for my DARK ONE and I suggest to you that if you have not researched her, then please do. See for yourself, if the DARK ONE speaks to you and let me know.

I will speak of Bamakhyapa, Ramnath Aghori, Paramhamsa Vishuddhananda and of course Sarada ma, Vivekananda and much more…but for now I leave you with a profound thought from the Sage Ramakrishna…

Kali is none other than Brahman. That which is called Brahman is really Kali. She is the Primal Energy. When that Energy remains inactive, I call It Brahman, and when It creates, preserves, or destroys, I call It Shakti or Kali. What you call Brahman I call Kali. Brahman and Kali are not different. They are like fire and its power to burn: if one thinks of fire one must think of its power to burn. If one recognises Kali one must also recognise Brahman; again, if one recognises Brahman one must recognise Kali. Brahman and Its Power are identical. It is Brahman whom I address as Shakti or Kali.

 

 

 

Neptune Retrograde 2017~~

Neptune is a most mystical and, from the level of the Soul, a most benefic influence in one’s life. Neptune is the expression in the solar system of the heart of the spiritual Sun. It is the planet most closely linked with the work of the Soul in manifestation and is thus the vehicle for the Christ consciousness, which is indeed at the Heart of Divinity. Through Cancer, Neptune may be thought of as the higher octave of the Moon. The latter is the Mother of All Forms, but form is always used in our solar system to express Love/Wisdom, the Second Ray, the Soul aspect of Spirit. We know this to be, when manifesting in the Human Kingdom, ~Love Incarnate~ – the indwelling Christ Principle. ~~ESOTERIC ASTROLOGY, Alice Bailley

Neptune unites us to our SOULMATES and TWINFLAMES. How very exciting! If you channel this energy, you might be able to connect to the etheric body of your Twinflame. Are you willing to try? If your INTENT is strong, it is possible.

Neptune is the eighth furthest planet from the sun in our solar system, the fourth largest in diameter and the third most massive. The planet is named after the Roman God of the Sea, Neptune and RULES ALL THINGS OCCULT.

8 is the first cube of energy, and is the only evenly even number within the decad. The Greeks thought it an all-powerful number; they had a Proverb “all things are eight.” 8 is INFINITY flipped over! 888 is the special number of Jesus Christ as “He who is the Resurrection and the Life.” He is the great opponent of the 666, the number of the Beast, the number of a Man. It is now crystal clear how Neptune is linked to the GREAT WHITE BROTHERHOOD or SHAMBALA!

On July 23(on my birthday :O ), there is a Roman Holiday called Neptunalia, that was made in honour of Neptune. I have decided to get an aquamarine dress for the occasion to invoke Neptune as he loves that colour. Try this yourself. Use colours to enliven this vibe. For me this Neptune Retrograde is touching upon private matters of sex, recreation, creativity and intuition and bringing to forefront these issues which I have to deal with. You need to look at your natal chart to see where this will affect you. Oh and do you know you can invoke Neptune for rain? Yes you can bring rain with a bit of Neptunian magick! And you can do this with meditation!

Neptune rules the astrological sign Pisces (along with Jupiter)
Colours: Green, blue, lavender
Minerals: Coral, aquamarine, platinum, neptunium
Body Part: the thalamus and spinal column
Action: Dissolving boundaries, expanding upon ideas, changing established rules
Represents: Intuition, idealism, sacrifice, glamour, illusion, evolution and decay

The Tarot Card for Neptune is THE HANGED MAN! Keywords for this card are

  • LETTING GO
  • REVERSAL
  • SUSPENSION
  • SACRIFICE

Think of where you need to let go? Think of how you can create a reversal of fortunes? Think of how why you feel suspended? Do you feel suspended? Are you sacrificing too much? Try to understand how the force of PARADOX is operating in your life.

Go and watch a play if you can. I am planning to go for one this Saturday at the NCPA. Theatre can bring to surface a lot of unconscious material. It always does so for me. Of course I have worked in Theatre, as an Actor, as well as a Writer and also as the Director’s Assistant. Theatre is an old lover of mine and boy, do I like making love to him! 😉

“One of the most occult of the planets, Neptune, presides over the ‘devas of the waters’; their presiding deva Lord, Varuna, the Raja of the astral plane, being an emanation from that planet.” ~~Alice Bailley

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varuna

Varuna is the King of the Nagas. He is depicted as a Blue Being accompanied by a court of Nagas or with a chariot drawn by seven white swans. It was said that the swans use to be black but though the blessing of Varuna he transformed their colour into a white milk-like substance. Later on in history he became just the God of the Sea and all the rivers and that is why he is recognised as the Naga King. Varuna is the deity of the sunsets. He is the symbol of the sun that sinks into the horizon in the West and travels to the other side, East by nigh, a symbol of that which we cannot see. A symbol of the UNKNOWABLE. Inexplicable!

Varuna mantra purifies the physical and emotional bodies and brings to the surface discordant emotional patterns hidden deep within the sea of the unconscious. I have done this meditations as I sat near the sea in Goa.

Om Jala Bimbaya Vidmahe
Nila Purushaya Dhee Mahe
Thanno Varuna Prachodayath

The simple form is Om Vam Varunaya Namaha. Chant this by the sea and visualise the whole water body as the body of NEPTUNE or VARUNA!

Neptune takes about 164 years to do a complete revolution around the Sun, thus spending about 14 years in each sign of the Zodiac and when it moves into retrograde approximately every year, it stays so for around 150 days. During the retrograde our spirituality, BLISS, and vision(INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL) become the focal points. Do you feel awake in your dreams? Maybe you are LUCID DREAMING? Listen to your intuition at this stage for it will tell you all you need to know.

Neptune, neptune, is the soul above matter and open to inspiration and illumination or muddle and confusion, depending on how it is placed. Some people put a circle at the bottom of this symbol. This is spirit rising into both the soul and matter to inspire them with mysticism and transcend boundaries. ~~astro.com

Neptune is the Empath and Dreamer. A lot of us have Neptune in Sag and on this Friday Neptune stationing retrograde at 14° 16′ Pisces, the last and the most mystical sign of the Zodiac. The symbol of Neptune is a TRIDENT, like LORD SHIVA. It is a trinity and symbolises –

  • Birth, Life, Death
  • Mind, Body, Spirit
  • Past, Present, Future

The number 3 is one of the most important numbers in our world. It represents the trinity, unity, opposition and the beginning, middle and end. The creation of our world dividing time into morning, noon, evening, with the past, the present, and the future. With his 3 forked trident, Neptune holds power over the 3 principalities of heaven, the earth, and hell. ~~Gnostic Warrior

If you wish to explore MYTHS and LEGENDS or introduce your children to FAIRY TALES, this alignment is very supportive. Use this retro energy. And the campfire gatherings can be more exciting and thrilling with those ghost stories. If you are a HORROR FREAK, like me, then binge watch everything you can on Netflix! Like I plan to do on Sunday and whenever I get time. Cinema unravels a lot in the mind during this time.

One of the slower-moving celestial bodies (or “collective,” as their influence extends over generations), in the natal chart of anybody born between November 1970 to January 1984, and again briefly between June and November 1984, Neptune will be in Sagittarius, a sign where this deep-sea diver feels quite at home. ~~numinous.com

Neptune’s Retrograde motion is not felt as much as say a Venus or a Mercury, but he operates in the background and connects us to all magickal and supernatural realms.

Talking about magickal, Neptune rules FILMS, TELEVISION, our individual and collective IMAGINATION, our INSPIRATIONS or MUSES, psychedelics and other mind altering substances and POETRY!

What are you waiting for? Compose those sonnets you’ve always wanted to pen down? Write out those lines that are screaming inside of you asking to be unleashed. Explore the POET in you. Explore the PHOTOGRAPHER in you. Make a video and  upload it onto Youtube, see how the world reacts. This retrograde is a perfect time for that.

Neptune is the FAIRY TALE into which we escape, it is what keeps us bewitched! In it’s lower vibrations, it is pure delusion. Like that old lady in REQUIEM FOR A DREAM who got addicted to speed pills just because she wanted to lose weight and be on TV in her old red dress. That is the lower polarity of Neptune and we have to face it.

Over the years, as I have been consulting with people, I have seen that a lot of sexual abuse takes place during this retrograde. Of course other hard aspects are present, but there is more of the date-rape thing. More eve teasing. More rapes. So be CAREFUL with all caps!

If we have been deluding ourselves, this retrograde will force us to come out of this stupor, it could be drug induced too and address reality. If you have been lying to yourself about your relationship, then the cracks will start showing and it won’t be pretty. If you have run up a huge debt and have not yet restructured your finances and figured out other sources of income, then you will be in doldrums. No matter what you are running from, will come to bite you in the ass. No kidding! Be ready, be prepared. For that is what astrology can gift us!

Who will feel this retrograde the most?

Those who have hard natal aspects in the mutable signs at 14° are the ones most likely to be affected. For example, if you have a natal square between your Pisces Sun and Mars in Gemini at 14°, Neptune will be conjoining your Sun and triggering the natal square. Part of the reason we seldom notice troublesome Neptune events until well after the fact is because we’re in denial caused by Neptune in the first place. ~~Libraseekingbalance

Neptune spends the most time treading water in retrograde motion – 158 days every 12.07 months – a fitting pattern for the planet that also governs subconscious memories of distant childhood and even past lives. ~~numinous.com

Things that have not been understood, acknowledged and integrated in our deep psyches can now return to haunt us. Dreams become very POWERFUL. Dreams of PAST LIVES may occur. For someone like me who is into LUCID DREAMING, this time of Neptune swimming backwards gives me the most symbolic and prophetic dreams. And of course I am day dreaming a lot more as this time nears.

This is the time to listen to your INTUITION. This is a great time for MAGICK and RITUAL. If you are unsure, email me. Use your MENSTRUAL BLOOD for the rituals and it will be even more effective.

Neptune retrograde in the natal chart could often bring about memories from Past Lives. Some people who recollect their past incarnations have a strong Neptune placement and alignments. Past Life Regression therapy really works well now.

Dreams…

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~~Edgar Allan Poe

Do you remember the 2010 film INCEPTION? I had to bring it up, that famous dream-in-a-dream-in-a-dream is so Neptune retro energy and Christopher Nolan has created this twisted, fascinating dreamscape that is so detailed and precise that it is terrifying!

The whole DREAM EXPLORATION theme, in itself is Neptunian energy and so is the meaning of the title Inception. It is the practice of entering dreams and planting an idea in someone’s head.  That never-ending-staircase. Do you remember it? What do you think they symbolise? Paradoxes in life? They are logical fallacies that have no existence in reality. Kinda what Neptune shows us while it dissolves boundaries. It shows us the temporal nature of this 3D world.

The Moon veils Neptune just as, in the mass consciousness (Cancer) form veils the subjective love alive within the form. Yet in traditional astrology, the veil is taken to be Neptune and the illusion, or mask of form, is seen to be the influence of this planet. This is not the true essence or function of the God of the Waters, for Neptune comes to us from the Soul level as the Initiator, Planet of the Christ. It’s trident is symbolic of the Trinity (Shiva-Vishnu-Brahma; Father-Mother-Son; Will-Love-Intelligence); it’s recent purpose, to serve as the stimulator of the Piscean Age. ~~Esoteric Astrology

Alice Bailley tells us that the esoteric ruler of Cancer is Neptune and that links Scorpio to Cancer. Basically it brings together all the three water signs as Neptune has a deep relationship with each of them.

Neptune (with Venus and Jupiter) Active at the Second Initiation:
“At the second initiation, the candidate comes under the influence of three planets—Neptune, Venus and Jupiter. The three centres—solar plexus, heart and throat—are actively involved.” ~~Alice Bailley

It is imperative to understand that Neptune in its higher vibration is SPIRITUAL LOVE, the highest OCTAVE of VENUS. While Venus is about intimate sensuality, Neptune teaches us how to transmute that sensuality into divine spiritual union. That is the magick of this planet! It teaches us spiritual ascension through tantric sex!

Where Venus represents love and personal relationships, Neptune inspires us to open our hearts to Divine Love and a relationship with the Universe itself. ~~astrodynamics.com

Collectively, these three sets of planetary octavals and vibrations constitute what is known as the threefold, Triadic Astrological Body (TAB). By “threefold triadic body”, it is submitted that these three primary sets of astrological octavals govern the holistic attributes that constitute an individual’s soul:

  1. The mental body (Mercury/Uranus),
  2. The emotional body (Venus/Neptune), and
  3. The desire body (Mars/Pluto) ~~ astrologyclub.com

Planetary spirits belong to hierarchies of evolved beings who have dominion over planets and chains of globes.  They have passed through human stages of evolution in previous cycles. HPB stated that “The highest planetary spirit ruling over any globe is in reality the ‘Personal God’ of that planet and far more truly its ‘over-ruling providence’ than the self-contradictory Infinite Personal Deity of modern Churchianity” the Voice of the Silence states that “Every spiritual EGO is a ray of a ‘Planetary Spirit.’”

The Mahatma KOOT HOOMI wrote that the mission of the Planetary Spirit is “to strike the Key Note of Truth” which becomes the “innate ideas” of humanity (ML, pp. 59-60) and it is the PLANETARY SPIRIT OF NEPTUNE, the rules of PISCES, that teaches us TRUE SPIRITUALITY and COSMIC LOVE! And we are so ready now, as a collective to learn and absorb this lesson!

Neptune holds a very important place in the Aquarian Age. The goal of human evolution is to produce the Messiah, the Initiate, the Mahdi, the Coming One. ~~Esoteric Astrology

The AGE OF MAITREYA!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitreya

Some people may be tapping into a lower vibration of this energy and pushing themselves as gurus and holy men when in reality they intend to delude. So spiritual con artists will be at work. BE-AWARE! But spiritual LIGHT WORKERS will show up in abundance too and it is up to us to use our discretion to figure out the true from the false!

Speaking of Inception-like dream-in-a-dream, I want to share one such dream that keeps coming to me. I am falling through a black hole and while falling I wake up and then I finally wake up in my bed. And this falling motif has suddenly began to resurface as Neptune is about to station retro. I am fascinated by dreams, so this is a wondrous time for me. Get your dream journal out! Seriously do it!

It may prove of interest to state that the planet Neptune does not belong to our Universal Solar System. While it is a “planet” in that it does revolve around our sun, in reality it is a “capture” — captured as other planets have taken to themselves “moons” (or more accurately, satellites, as each planet can have only one true moon). Furthermore, inasmuch as the planet Uranus revolves around our sun, it is a member of our Universal Solar System, though not of our Solar System. ~~Theosophy Wiki

Therefore Neptunian energies may feel ALIEN! Depending on how your chart is being triggered, you might begin to feel like the alien or the outsider. In that case, remember, we are all outsiders here as beings of pure light experiencing this 3D world of pain and pleasure, the two foremost binaries.

OPEN YOUR HEART to COSMIC LOVE, then you will be able to feel the healing blueness of Neptune work wonders in your life. Call upon SANGYE MENLA or the MEDICINE BUDDHA to heal you. Blue Tara also works wonders! She is also called Nila Saraswati.

Neptune was also considered the legendary progenitor god of a Latin stock, the Faliscans,
who called themselves Neptunia proles. In this respect he was the equivalent of Mars, Janus, Saturn and even Jupiter among Latin tribes. Salacia would represent the virile force of Neptune. Neptune is apparently also equivalent with Atlas, Uranus, Orion, and Venus. And every other name you can give to the Universe “Holos”.~~WIKI

spiritual-love

The best way to use this Neptune energy would be to MEDITATE near a water body. If possible, go to the sea. Just sit in silence and watch the waves crash on the shore. Just listen to the sea. Just smell the sea. You may visualise all your NEGATIVE THOUGHTS flowing into the sea and becoming drops of water. Cleanse yourself, mind, body and soul.

You can install a water sculpture or a fish tank in the North direction of your house. Feeding the fish and watching them swim around can be extremely therapeutic. Try it.

You can do regular foot baths at this time. Soak your feet in EPSOM SALT and visualise all the negativity leaving your body. Feel lighter. Activate the salt and water with mantras or intentions.

You can use the Neptune energy in any healing magick and spells associated with the spine, psychological illnesses, neuroses, nervous breakdowns or any mysterious sickness.

Call upon water sprites, nymphs and mermaids for manifestation and protection as they are activated by this Neptune Retrograde. Spenser, in The Faerie Queene, wrote of “their sweet skills in wonted melody, which ever after they abused to ill, to allure weak travellers, whom gotten, they did kill”. In many of his cantos he spoke of the mermaid as a dangerous lure to be dreaded by the knight-hero of the story. But Mermaids are divine beings like the Hindu Apsaras whose name means ‘moving on the (celestial) water’. They are often associated with the power of prophecy and may even grant wishes or protection. But their vengeance can be cruel, for they can whip the waves and sink ships as readily as lure the unsuspecting youth. That is just patriarchy destroying the power of the untamed female, like BLACK MOON LILITH! Don’t be afraid to BE-COME a MERMAID if you so desire. Yes even a little cosplay could add to the excitement.

A little bit of astrotalk…

BLACK MOON LILITH is squaring NEPTUNE in PISCES very closely as Neptune turns Retrograde on June 16 @  14+ Pisces.  They exactly square on Summer Solstice June 21st. 

It means that Neptune that rules over the Media, mental health, oil, pharma is reconstructing its dynamics with the untamed wild feminine aspect. Let’s just say that the way MEDIA looks at WOMEN will change forever. Go Wonder Woman!

Invisible worlds exist, scattered throughout apparent space, and they are “inhabited as thickly as our own”. H.P. Blavatsky wrote of the finny tribes which swarm in our familiar bodies of water as being analogous to the various races of Planetary, Elemental and other Spirits…So yes, Mermaids exist. Unicorns exist. Everything your mind can conceive of, also exists…

As Mercury is Lightbearer of the physical Sun, so Neptune is Lightbearer for the spiritual Sun, (called Vulcan by the Western Mystics). ~~ The Message of the Stars

It is believed that Neptune also rules over our PINEAL GLAND! If you are tuned into the cosmic energies, you will feel an itch in your third eye. It might even vibrate, like mine does sometimes. Practice tratak if possible for this will greatly energise your third eye. This greatly develops your PSYCHIC POWERS and ESP.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11552/10-minute-yoga-sequence-for-a-strong-flexible-spine.html

Try to begin this regime for spine health~~

Neptune retrograde 2017 aligns closely with the Moon to make this an especially sensitive time. As well as feeling more emotional and romantic, you may also feel suspicious of others and extremely vulnerable. Any alignment of the Moon with Neptune increases the risk of infection and illness. The stationing of Neptune retrograde is just one more astrological reason that increases this risk of health problems. I expect that during Neptune retrograde 2017 there will be an increase in infectious diseases as a result of epidemics or possibly a pandemic affecting millions of people. ~~Astrology King

Always use protection! And be mindful of not getting infected. Do not panic, just be aware. Eat healthy and deep breathe. I know that Empaths, Psychics and Sensitives will be greatly impacted by this retrograde. Eat a raw clove of GARLIC with honey on empty stomach. Eat GINGER with PINK HIMALAYAN ROCK SALT. You can also add Probiotics in your diet. Just ensure your immune system is doing fine. Burn incense and regularly give yourself massages that end with an ecstatic rapture! 😉

If you look after the TRINITY, body, mind and spirit, then your psyche will be FERTILE and ACTIVE with ARCHETYPAL SYMBOLISM from which you can channel infinite creativity, bliss and love. Your dreams will become Universes of their own…What type of a Universe will you create?

Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. ~~Khalil Gibran

Thank You~~

Email me tina@tinaheals.com

http://www.tinaheals.com

The Plan ~~ A Novel by Tinaheals

Notes from the underground
The home of my dreams-

Soft fleeting tears.

Marigolds in bloom.

 

I do not know how I began to tell this story. Why did I begin? It is nothingness, a deformity in my subconscious. It is just a pointless pursuit. It began where I don’t know, but right now, I am sitting in front of a Policeman and a State sponsored Psychiatrist.

I know him- Rustom Mistry, yes, that’s his name, I can see the Faravahar glittering in the light. “It’s to remind me of my true purpose, at least that’s what my mom hopes.” He’d told her when she’d asked about it. The winged disk and the bearded human motif looked very appealing to me, but today it seems scary. The purpose of my life, it’s fucking over! Not even the Faravar can save me!

He is asking me all these questions, with a very stern face. But believe me; I cannot understand what he says. For the life of me, his words are a jumble. I am trying to answer, but nothing. My jaw muscles have gone on strike. It’s like I never knew the powers of speech. I am unable to communicate and totally enervated. Have you ever heard a singing bowl? The sound of it keeps reverberating in my mind, suddenly out pops the Tom and Jerry tune in my mind, some heavy programming by Disney!

I have been forced to shut down, just like when you hold the power switch of a computer and just manually shut it down, you do not take the trouble of performing a proper shut down. My consciousness is the black screen, the product of a forced shut down.

My wretched eyes see everything. Rustam’s impassive face. Yet, the trace of anxiety makes itself known, which he suppresses with dutiful vigour. I sense that I’m watching him as different Ninas. Complicated emotions are tormenting me.
Ting tong! The bell rang. I was dressed in this gorgeous little black number from Yves Saint Laurent, also boasted of wedged heels from the same make- black luxurious suede. I was waiting for him.
I opened the door. Dr. Misty stood there. Ah yes, he was complete with the clichéd bunch of roses in his hands-blood red ones. He was speaking as clear as a bell, trying to implore me with his eyes. He also said something to the effect that he had wanted me for very long, but never had the guts to speak up. He told me he thought about me and was becoming obsessive, like I was under his skin. A chance is what he wanted. He throws caution to the winds and hugs me. The next minute I am in his arms, his lips are on mine, trying to get inside my mouth, as if snaking in to touch my soul.
One of the Nina’s (I have many Nina’s inside of me, fuck!) look at his lips, those same one who were trying to part her lips, to explore her very being. Those lips were now moving, creating geometric shapes, like the shapes formed when a kid blows bubbles from that god-awful soapy liquid.
Evanescent worlds,

Like dews of dawn.

Ghosts in time.

So the shapes his mouth is now making also disintegrates like the transient bubbles. Nothing elucidates impermanence as this act of blowing spherical shapes in the air which disintegrate in a few seconds. Poof! They are gone. New worlds created and destroyed, at the blink of an eye-lid. The bubbles form words. He’s asking me why I am here.

Why is anybody here? There is seriousness to his voice as he asks me why I had gone to Lilavati last night? Obviously I did not reply. I could not. I was physically unable to. Trauma I think is what did it. “Can you tell me why you stabbed this man repeatedly?? You killed him…” he was shoving a picture of a smiling face in my hands.
I have on tight mini-skirts and leather boots that are a few inches above my knees, very dark and Gothic make-up and I have on a wig, a short trendy wig. I try to touch it. Someone watching me from afar would notice a shaky hand moving to touch the hairline with no definitive purpose. But the purpose was known to this man- Rustam. “Why do you have that on?” He asks pointing to the wig.
I sit silently, looking down at the blood drying on this super expensive pair of boots that I bought online from some German fantasy leather footwear company, as a gift for my sister. They were splendid in their craftsmanship- the Germans definitely know how to design and make things. Other words from his mouth also manage to surface briefly in my consciousness. Word association! I normally think of a word when I hear a word. One word brings about the memory of another and so on so forth. The story is never ending. This has been a most fascinating way to tend to burgeoning ideas. Words like “life-support system” made its way to my subconscious. A sting of incredible pain jolted me into nausea. I’m throwing up all over the table, my clothes my shoes, my heart rate through the ceiling, my body drenched in sweat.
Rustam signals to the police behind the mirror to send in lady constables. Two stout Marathi female cops burst into the scene with some medical aid. “Kai zala?” They lift me up, try to stuff water down my throat, wipe me up and revive me. But I almost faint, the pain is too oppressive. I would have preferred to be Mary Antoinette, marching to the guillotine.

Muffin, your softness is what I seek; where are you baby? Come to me, there’s nothing I need more than your purrs and rubs.
And then I saw his face.

 

The face of cobwebs,

Disintegrating like the quarks in an atom,

Of nothingness.
Rustam is looking at me and I think I know what’s going through his head. My beaming face, obviously enamoured by his intellect and sophistication, sitting in the first bench, listening to him talk about Jungian Collective Unconscious, yes that memory is surfacing in his mind. It was a less complicated time. We were infatuated with each other.
But now, everything has changed. Today he stands in front of me as an inquisitor and it’s a witch hunt. A murder! He is supposed to uncover the darkest depths of my mind to know how I could commit such a hideous crime. No sorry- Hideous crimes and now I sit as dead as a doornail.
Dr. Rustam Mistry will be questioned about his diagnosis. He will go with the catatonic stupor characterized by motoric immobility, mutism and catalepsy, followed by the rare bout of nausea, blah fucking bloo.
Frank came to meet me and my mind kept repeating, A hope which is now forever past…A love so sweet it could not last,
Was Time long past…it just broke my already broken heart.

The police officer informed Rustam about his arrival and was asked his professional advice on whether Frank and I could meet. He did consent to our meeting and was there right behind the mirror to observe every subtle emotion that was there or wasn’t there or the ones he just thought existed.
Jail or any form of detention centre is hardly the place for lovers to meet. But Frank just held my hands, kissed them so very tenderly and whispered something about star stuff contemplating the stars…it was a Sagan expression we both loved. Gorgeousity! Star stuff, contemplating star stuff…Malana cream and Sagan. Ah!
When I hear these words I am reminded of another life, in another world where

I remember saying that we are made up of star stuff and he took my chain of thought and elaborated on it. “We’re star stuff, contemplating star stuff…” “As above”, said I and before I could complete my sentence, he covered my mouth and completed, “So below”…for me. We kissed, long and deep, like a Russian Kiss which explored not just my physical body but ignited a fire in my soul, it lasted the whole night. That night was like an eternity!
Frank sobs softly. “I will not give up on you or us…” My heart sobs with him, but I am catatonic. I want to ask him about my cat, Muffin, a majestic British Blue male, two years old and my baby. I want to hold him in my arms, his purring body close to my heart as he nibbles my nose with affection. He is missing me. Two most important males in my life, both from the Great Britain. An irony? The Angrez have not lost their hold on us. Anglophiles formed the part of Bengali society I called my family.

The vilayat, complete with toilet papers to wipe your arse. Who cleans their arse with water? What savages? Don’t forget the knives and forks, eat with your hand and in a jiffy you’re the outcast, chi chi, eating with your hand, as if somehow the toxicity of the hands were confirmed and verified by science.

I’d seen this documentary on Satyajit Ray, where he speaks of how the Western world took to Pather Panchali. He spoke of how some American women had been forced to throw up after watching Indir Thakrun eating with her hands on screen. What a bunch of barbarians, thought the pretty, sophisticated mems.

Okay I might have even fought super hard to be this sexy, sophisticated Angrezi lassie, if so many people around me had not made it their lives’ mission.

They are everywhere, singing Psalms in Convents at the crack of dawn, wearing micro mini, chote chote mini skirts with tank tops, as if showing skin is a sign of emancipation from old oppressive customs; these creatures were allergic to anything that screamed desi, like vampires to sunlight.

Imported goods, imported bathroom fittings, imported brains?
It’s not that I refuse to answer Frank. Believe me, I want to. But my mouth just refuses to speak, my eyes just sank deep into their crevices, my tongue just hangs there like a limp rag; I feel my brain is losing control, like a general who loses his soldiers due to some internal mutiny. The general, my brain has lost power, its reign is over and each of the organs has taken control. But this time, they are not working in harmonious synchronization, they have developed individuality. Screw individuality! Each behaved in the way it wanted to. All they seem to want is to not respond. So there you go, there was no response to Frank’s entreaties. Was this real??? Frank’s face, his tears, Rustam’s face, his stern look- it feels like cardboard scenery, in fact I have the taste of saw dust in my mouth.

I want to thank Frank for caring after my boy Muffin; in a sense he is the be all and end all of my existence when it comes to matters of the heart, and the only male in my life for so long. Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians worshipped the cat in the form of Bastet, killing a cat was punished by death and if a cat died, it’s family would shave off their eyebrows; well, seems like cats have not forgotten that and my Muffin certainly deserves worship.
Anyway Rustam is watching!
Little does he know that a woman is looking to meet me, her name SAPNA VERMA, the wife of the man I had brutally stabbed to death. He had multiple lacerations, a punctured abdomen and his testicles were chopped off. Such gruesome acts were only seen on telly in serials, where you get to see how evidence is collected which ultimately points to the guilty, no matter how much camouflaged the identity of the killer is. My DNA was everywhere in the crime scene, the CSI guys would not break a sweat in proving that it was I who did it.
Anyway Sapna has walked up the Police Officer who’s called Rustam. I have to meet her, she said. Rustam’s apprehensive, but then he sees Frank exit my cell. Sapna follows his glance and instantly approaches Frank demanding to see me, this bloody witch who she would have gladly burnt at the stake.
She enters my cell. Her eyes confront the pale corpse in front, my practically lifeless body. I must say, a shocked expression registers on her face as she looks at me from head to toe. What is this phantasmal entity, she must be thinking. How did this weakling kill my husband? Little did she know that when your mind is set, you can achieve anything- nothing is out of reach? I could have killed him over and over again, a hundred, fuck it, a billion times if I had to. It was like the most important exam I had to take, an exam which would ensure my demotion in the karmic law.

Lines from my poem are swimming in my consciousness; as a writer, one has the ability to randomly switch off and travel to other realms. Yes, it’s officially true, we have super powers.
Dadu would not approve. He was the type of man who would not take a shot at the enemy even if his range was clear and the bullet would definitely find its mark. He was an obsolete man in this world, an outdated DOS operating system. He was more interested in questions like who am I? Where did I come from? He preferred to ponder on such things. Self enquiry, he called it. Dadu I was screaming, who am I? The answer rang loud and clear- a killer. I had killed a man.
Sapna is pale-faced looking at me. “Are you her friend?” She asks Frank hesitantly. Frank nods. I’m not looking at them, but I know exactly what’s happening. At that precise moment I’m observing a spider spin its web. Is it spinning the web to catch a prey? All webs are not spun only for nutritious titbits; some webs are spun as hobbies, as works of art. To create something without any utilitarian purpose, but to create just for the sake of creation! What’s the point of that?? Some common-sense lover would say. Nothing honestly. Right? Wait, I think I see a tiny movement in the web. Is there an insect? Or is it the wind? Or is it my fucking imagination.

Ah! Imagination! It’s what always got me in trouble at school.
I was reprimanded for having too much imagination! My skin crawls to think of the parent’s-teacher’s meetings that Dadu had been subjected to over the years. Sheer torture for both of us and of course for the teachers!

They were just trying to help me through life and look what happened! I went ahead and killed a man. How horrified they would be. I imagine my Algebra teacher, Miss. Kalpana, a hard martinet in her late 50’s on the witness box, telling the judge how she knew I will be in trouble some day. It’s her fault, it’s her imagination.
Imagination is the culprit.

Lines from my poems kept ringing in my ears. STOP!

Back from these lines assaulting my consciousness, poetry is truly my life breath. Only if reality could be poetry, then I might have had a chance to do it differently.
Anyway, by now the shock has transformed into anger. It’s quite amazing to note how humans can translate any emotion into a show of anger. I think it’s a shield they hide behind- ANGER! Anytime you are unsure of how to express yourself, just display anger. It’s safe and effective! You can block off the more painful introspective thought processes.
So Sapna Verma takes the easy way out, she opts for anger. She musters all her strength and strides up to me. After a stare at my impassive, immobile face for a few minutes, she can control herself no longer. The oppressive silence envelopes the room like a thick cloak as all wait with bated breath. Then a slap almost knocks me off balance, but somehow my body refuses to be floored. I have no clue how and why. I just sit there. The sound of the slap is unnerving to Frank and Rustam behind the supposed glass, watching everything. But I feel nothing. Then funnily enough I hear the chorus, “I feel numb,” yes U2, and I understood what numb means.
You go through life, learning new words, understanding their meanings, but actually you understand nothing. The words are nothing but words unless you have the pertinent experience stored away in the depths of your being, which leave permanent imprints on your brain and yes, then you understand the word. Not till then.

Rape, murder, death- all these are words which are very much a part of our regular vocabulary. But how far do we understand them? We honestly don’t. Ask the young college student what rape means; presuming she has never been violated, she will have only a vague understanding of the term, maybe from movies or books.

Mine was from Monika Belluci’s incredible performance in Irreversible. But ask a rape victim what that word means and you will be shocked at the difference of understanding. The same word, but completely different levels of comprehension! Experience is what makes us learn new words, not just simply by glancing at a Thesaurus, but by learning through life. I understand the words Death, rape and murder, they have closely associated themselves with me, like the hanger-on friend you simply want to avoid.
Sapna is breaking down, her anger dissipating as quickly as it had arrived. She comes really close to me; I can smell her Chanel 5 perfume and minty breath. “Why did you kill him?” She asks. Very predictable question! You already knew that was coming right? But get this; she then murmurs something totally unexpected. After a moment’s hesitation, she whispers, “I’m sorry…I know what happened…with your sister…” now this should have definitely instigated some reaction from me, she thinks. It did, in the subconscious. But consciously I’m fucked up, incapable of any expression. I sat like a chopped up tree log, destroyed and cut down. If you apply the crescograph on a chopped up log, it’ll be interesting to see what level of consciousness remains.
I felt like writing but my physical body was pretty much worthless.

Poetry will not erase this woman’s troubles and nor will it answer her questions. Will it? Is poetry even useful? Or is it as worthless as me?

Sapna is troubled about an image that plagued her mind. Her thoughts travel to a certain day when she had looked through a crack on the door panelling. She’d seen her husband on the floor, howling with immense pain. A newspaper lay crumpled by his side, which displayed a beautiful girl. But creases had formed on her face as the newspaper sat wrinkled, but the smile was infectious.

It’s bewildering for her to see the physical similarly between the haggard girl in front and the face in the newspaper, but there was a slight difference. Not to mention that the girl in the newspaper was smiling, brimming with life and this girl in front was as lifeless as a cadaver. Still that was not it. There’s something else and I might have been able to help her, if not for the mutiny of my organs. Ridiculous!
I think the stark imagery of her husband’s painful explosion that night is a bit too much for Sapna to handle. Her head begins to swim and she’s about to collapse. But Frank provides support, the rock solid man that he is. Sapna is thankful for this support and the warmth his huge frame provides that she just holds onto him, his aftershave wafting in the air, tinkling her nose. For a moment she forgets where she is, holding onto him seemed the most natural thing. And then the tears came, they breake the floodgates and storm in like huge tsunamis. Sapna’s outcry sounds like a hurt animal and then she says these words. “But why kill him??? You can’t take what you can’t give…only God can take a life…”
Naive humanity! Who is this anthropomorphized God? What kind of a God will intervene- he will create and then destroy! This idea never agreed with me, in fact it nauseated me, every time people spoke about God like “He” was their personal problem solver. Of course I indulged in that odd prayer or two before my results; they were like placebo. And remember God has to always be referred to as HE!
Dadu used to say that Bengalis are a matri-bhakta culture; to them the mother figure is as important as the father, if not more. God to me could not be a He or a She. This was crystal clear in my mind even as a child. I gave it a lot of thought, but nothing made sense.

Gradually I began to avoid the word God. God in the sense society spoke of the idea. Man cheapened this transcendental concept. It is beyond human understanding. With our dwarfed intellects we can never grasp this idea; it’s a waste to try. “Nothing in life is a waste,” another one of Dadu’s lines! Dadu, Dadu where are you? How come our times together ended? You would say, “Nothing ever ends and similarly nothing begins, it’s just your perception which keeps you chained to such ideas of beginnings and ends. You are eternity in yourself…”. I would do anything to lie in Dadu’s lap or cuddle Muffin.

I hear Dadu’s voice- it’s crystal clear, his smell wafts in my consciousness- Asatoma sadgamaya, tamo soma yotir gamaya, mrityrma amritam gamaya!!

These words they play with my consciousness, Dadu enunciates them so well, so crisp, and so effortless, it sounds divine. He said that Sanskrit was the language of the Gods and there was never a doubt in my mind when he spoke it. He made the language godly.

He spent much time explaining this shloka to me- from Unreal take me to the Real, from darkness take me to light, from death take me to immortality!

Everything about this situation my friend is unreal. No you do not understand, a murder, by my hands? It is unreal. I respect life; harming even a fly hurts me. It’s no charlatanism! I do not care if you don’t believe me, it’s not important, not trying to get you to come to my side, I’m just telling you of how things are, no embellishments, no B.S.

It was basenter dupur bela, a spring afternoon; we sat near Dadu, in our living room. It was a Sunday, a lazy Sunday. Dadu had a ritual with us; he’d read to us, from the Vedas, from the Tantra texts, the Upanishads and the Bhagavadgita and explained certain parts. Zeenia was less open to this idea as she grew older; she preferred to be on her phone or laptop.

Dadu did not scold her, forcing his opinions on people was not what he sought to do when he read to us from these ancient texts; he wanted us to be connected to our roots, discover what our ancestors had left behind.

I enjoyed his company immensely, his stories interested me on many levels and he brought out the different characters so vividly; this led me to form a fascination for the human psyche. Come to think of it, it shaped my future; I decided to take up psychology honours. My parents has both studied English in college; when I was a kid, I knew that I would probably end up studying it too, but eventually studying the human mind became an obsession.

Anyway, that afternoon it was the Bhagavadgita.

The lines ring loudly in my ears, but in it the concept of Arjuna having to kill all his relatives is what bothered me. But dadu, how can Arjuna kill all these people? Especially Bhishm, his gurudeva, and all his cousins? The thing that plays in my mind today is a question little Nina asked him, Dadu but how can anyone kill?

This question, it’s mocking me, this question’s alluring me, and it begins to take many forms, grotesque, grave, gruesome, until it begins to drive me crazy. All this angst in my mind, but if you look at me from afar, I’m carved in stone, an effigy created to be burned.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Email me tina@tinaheals.com

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