The Plan~~A Novel by Tinaheals


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Rajani and the twins moved from their gigantic ancestral home to a modest apartment,

He continued working, but had lost interest. Only two clients remained with him, the rest hired his son who now also usurped his office. So with a very modest salary he began to educate and care for his granddaughters. He became father and mother, friend and teacher; he became their anchor in the stormy sea of life.

It would be time for weekly nail cutting, ear cleaning, hair oiling sessions; amidst squeals and protests, he would pacify them singing, shohe na, shohe na, kande poranooo with dramatic eye movements and wild gestures, especially when they tried to tell him to stop, that had them rolling on the floor laughing.

Slowly but surely, the trio began to put the past behind them and move on. The girls taught him to laugh again, to live again; life had given him a second chance to bring up his two girls again, he just wished Sita could experience this life with him.
He took them to Benaras, BodhGaya, Hrishikesh and Haridwar; they went to so many places in their country, even remote ones where tourists don’t usually set foot.
They’d be lost in the world of Hanuman as he destroyed Lanka, they’d be crying as Ravana abducted Sita, they’d be deeply moved when Karna would be going to battle against Arjuna knowing he’d lose, they’d be fuming with anger when Duryodhana insulted Panchali and time would fly as dadu would read to them the Ramayana, the Mahabharata, the Bhagvadgita and other sacred texts. The way he could tell the story, the simplicity, yet, the profundity in them, deeply touched the girls. Even while imparting knowledge from the Upanishads, he tried to make it as palatable as possible for the children, tell me how do you explain Tat Tvam Asi to seven year olds, yet not only did he try, it’d be fair to say, he succeeded too.

He could see his daughter Mita in the girls, different attributes of her visible in each girl.

He loved Nina’s poetry, she had rawness to her emotions, something primordial to the way she described reality even in that young age; surely poetry was to be her meditation and so it was.

The chotto ektakar shingara and the radhaballi,

Breathing furiously.

Inhabiting my Sundays, my frenemies.

She’d written this haiku, barely aged seven and it made him laugh. She’d captured something of Kolkata in those lines; she’d grabbed a slice of their times together as they strolled down Sarat Bose Road on sultry lazy Sundays.

It’s absolutely true that nowhere except Kolkata do you get that tiny shingara or samosa for one rupee, it has peas in it and the Bongs cannot have enough of it. And what of the Radhabollobi? Try it, you’ll see. You may get acidity, but it’ll be worth it, vouches every Bengali.

Rajani loved these girls like he had loved their mother, but being a very enlightened soul he treated them all alike, even Arunava, but at times he was left wondering as to where he went wrong with that one. But Mita was his pet; he had a special soft corner in his heart for his eldest.

None had his spiritual depth except Mita and this bonded them immensely, every time he saw her, his heart wanted to embrace her. Khuku, he called her, his little girl and she was so much like him.

“Aye khuku aye…” he would play this song in the gramophone and Hemanta’s voice would flood the house.

She had his striking peaches and cream skin and almond shaped eyes like the goddess Durga, with abundant tresses swimming down to her knees and an hour-glass body which was as ageless as Time itself and looked like some Kumartuli’s sculptor was sculpting Maa Durga from clay. Shakkhat Maa Durga, people would comment.

Yes, she was breathtaking! Her intellect was sharp; she was thoughtful, critically questioning and deeply analytical. Many an afternoon was spent in discussing literature, philosophy, poetry and the scriptures of all religions. Her father enjoyed immensely the display of perspicacity while she explained some particular issue, idea or philosophy, her face shining red with passion and emotion. What radiance! Then she fell in love with Shubho at Scottish Church English honours class.
It was an exam. John Osborne’s play, “Look Back in Anger”, was the monster in question and 100 marks were at stake. Mita had not studied this play and her paper sat blank. She spotted Shubho in front scribbling away with immense concentration. She poked him a few times. He looked back and couldn’t take his eyes off her. In a state of suspended bliss, he handed her the paper. She took it with a squeal of laughter which thrilled him to the bone, and began to rewrite it in her words.
Now let’s fast forward, SHUBHO and MITA are married in Kartik purnima, the full moon beckoned a life of abundance and plenitude for them.

As Mita adorns Shubho’s neck with the baramala and the shubhodristi happens where they gaze into each other’s eyes, it’s like a dejavu. The breeze outside caresses his hair while he stands there looking at her, she’s carried on a piri by her brothers, uncles and cousins and her eyes are between two paan leaves and in that moment they both knew that no matter what life would bring it would be worth nothing without the other.

Mita gets pregnant which turns out to be pretty complicated with twins sharing the same amniotic sac and placenta, throughout the seven and a half months, she’s under strict supervision and spends much of her time reading, writing and talking to her daughters. During the course of her seven month pregnancy she almost dies twice and the lives of the twins are threatened, but she manages to trick fate into submission.

These girls, they had to see the sky wearing the bright blue cloak of a spring day, they had to experience the rain on their faces, caressing sometimes or slapping away, soft some days and as pokey as thorns on others. They had to see the cheetah run, they had to eat tangra macher jhol, oh, life in its complexity and multitudes had to be experienced by them, she thought.
Karma my dear friends had other plans. Mita and Shubho die tragically young, leaving behind only Rajani to take care of the twins. Their disappearance happened in Kedarnath temple during an annual pilgrimage they always undertook.
Rajani had to don the parent costume once again, this time for Nina and Zeenia and he was determined to play the role to perfection this time. As perfect as it could be! So now to get back to the story. Dadu is what Nina calls Rajani, the Bengali appellation for grandfather.
As she sits in front of this dead body, she thinks of her dadu. He would know what to do; he always knew what to do. Such were Nina’s thoughts. Delusion arises from anger, Dadu told her one day as she was furious with Joida, the Oriya driver who had not given her a minute to stand and chat with her friends after her Rabindra-sangeet class at Dakshini, to top it off he had the gall to speak rudely in front of them.

The dominoes fell,

The words like torrents

It was inevitable.

She’d written this haiku she remembered for the occasion.

Joida loved her as his own daughter and that was the excuse for the harsh treatment. She had almost wanted to slap Joida. But Dadu intervened. “Little one your mind is bewildered by delusion. You think that Joi is being pushy, but actually he is just trying to protect you. See, you lost your reasoning as your mind was bewildered…and one falls down, when reasoning is destroyed.” Dadu fell on the floor dramatically.
That made Nina smile even in her malaise as she sat in limbo, with dried blood on her hands. She deliberated with the thought of saying, “Out, damned spot,” but then decided against it. The dead body just lay there. Her hallucinations where he wakes up as some terrible ZOMBIE in a B-Grade film and chews her down bone by bone is funny, she observes. I can have funny thoughts, even in this scenario.
Then she notices that there were many parts of her, or no, there are many Nina’s inside of her, ambiguous and confused, each thinking that random thought while observing the others and then she notices that there is a Nina who’s also observing, but she has no thought as the others did, no opinion. She just watches. Not for the first time Nina could distinctly hear the separate voices- how diverge, how contradictory, how ironic were they, but this time there was a force to them that was lacking in the past. She tries to swallow, but her tongue sticks to her insides, parched and dry, it desperately needs some water.
The young housekeeping attendant is right outside Nina’s room and would have turned away, but a trickle of blood manages to seep outside. The attendant examines it carefully, and then thinks of what to do. Should he go and inform his supervisor? No he decides against it and taking a master key from his supply trolley, he puts it in the key hole and turns it.

The scene which greets his eyes chills him to the bone and a blood curdling scream escapes his lips shattering the quiet of the early morn. He looks ridiculous, scared out of his wits, barely coherent in his thoughts, he looked like a two year old who had seen a ghost in a Paranormal series on telly.
It’s Nina who surprises me. She didn’t even bat an eyelid at the shrill shriek. She just sits there, stares at her abyss. What did she see?? The abyss staring back??


Image is not mine. Not my copyright.


Notes on Channelling Ishtar

I am writing to you the experience of channelling Ishtar. I had gone through so much of channelled writing and am in the habit of writing without thought. Just lines and words that come to me. Floating by. Visualising Ishtar/Innana.

Track  comes to mind- Isis, Ishtar, Diana, Hecate.

Lunar Goddesses. Moon. Fecundity. Womanhood. Menstruation.

Ishtar’s energy is in those words…how did Ishtar learn? Pain, sufferring, stripping away of possessions. Things being taken away. Red. Red. Red. The colour is very prominent as I think of the Goddess. Blood….I see blood everywhere in my mind’s eye.

Is it because she was the Goddess of war? She was the goddess of love too. Thinking of her at war on her lion. Parallel- Durga. Mahishashura? Ishtar defied patriarchy.

Love and sex. I concentrate on the cosmic yoni. My yoni as a symbol of that divine energy. Warmth. A connection. When I enter meditation now, the third eye is vibrating. I will get off the comp for a bit. BRB.

The meditative state lasted for about seven minutes. However, my consciousness was somewhat suspended. In fact I have no memory of how time went. I am now staring at the keyboard and thinking of how to get the messages across. Sometimes in states of meditation I have entered realms.

Armed with a diary, I have traversed many psychic realms and seen entities. Spoken to them through thought meditation. I have met my grandparents and some other ancestors as well. More than ever those abilities returned to me with childbirth.

Never having made sense of my visions, voices, colours and sounds, I kept them hidden away as I went about trying to get life going. They often became disfigured ghosts of my consciousness. I repressed them further till they became a tsunami and crashed my consciousness. Restart.

They returned with childbirth and I have embraced them. I have finally claimed them as my demons and I am making friends with them. Since I got pregnant, I’ve been keeping journals. Handwritten notes. Doodles. Anything that comes to me from the higher realms.

I’ve been practising channelling Kwan Yin as well.

So as I try to type unconsciously, no words are coming to me except a kinda white fuzzy field where I can drift off in meditation. I will not give up. I know her energy is accessible in that fuzzy ball in my mind. Ishtar/Innana I invoke you…awaken through me…

Chaos and fertility- I can sense these two central polarities heavily.

War and love. But is war only chaos? Is life not chaos? Is the quantum reality not chaos?

Look at the DOUBLE SLIT EXPERIMENT. The wave particle duality….THE OBSERVER! Everything is energy right? My thought forms too. Tulpas they are called. ALEXANDRA DAVID NEEL did a whole lot of experimentation with the TULPAS.

A tulpa, according to traditional Tibetan doctrines, is an entity created by an act of imagination, rather like the fictional characters of a novelist, except that tulpas are not written down. David-Neel became so interested in the concept that she decided to try to create one. Her experiment went AWOL as her tulpa began to manifest without her summoning him. OMG!!! Yes all those horror stories your mind can conjure, they all can come true.

Like all those INTERNET MONSTERS. Like the SLENDER MAN are all TULPAS created by writers. I can tell you this is true because I have lived day and night with the characters I have created for my novels, screenplays, plays, short stories. They have all come alive.

So now I, the observer creates ISHTAR, the tulpa. All fine and dandy. But I cannot create a tulpa in a day, so I have to intuitively sense her energies and keep typing. THINK WITHOUT THINKING…Yes that’s my new mojo.

Somehow I feel that her journey to the netherworld is where I have to look to find my answers. I have to seek out what lies in the murky depths of my UNCONSCIOUS. Could that be the reason I am looking at ISHTAR so deeply?4585746524_328x443





Bigger than the mountains am I,

The Empress of the gods am I

The Queen of heaven am I

The earth’s mistress am I.

(translation of an old Babylonian text)

This is a special channelling session for I am summoning Ishtar as I do my Ishta Devi. I am integrating Ishtar’s energy into the Dasamahavidya. Kali, Tara, Shodoshi, Bhubaneshwari, Bhairavi, Chinnamasta, Dhumavati, Balaga, Matangi, Kamala, the ten energies of the Mulaprakriti.

The solitary ray dropping into the mother deep may be taken as meaning Divine Thought or Intelligence, impregnating chaos. This, however, occurs on the plane of metaphysical abstraction, or rather the plane whereon that which we call a metaphysical abstraction is a reality. The Virgin-egg being in one sense abstract Egg-ness, or the power of becoming developed through fecundation, is eternal and for ever the same. And just as the fecundation of an egg takes place before it is dropped; so the non-eternal periodical germ which becomes later in symbolism the mundane egg, contains in itself, when it emerges from the said symbol, “the promise and potency” of all the Universe. Though the idea per se is, of course, an abstraction, a symbolical mode of expression, it is a symbol truly, as it suggests the idea of infinity as an endless circle. It brings before the mind’s eye the picture of Kosmos emerging from and in boundless space, a Universe as shoreless in magnitude if not as endless in its objective manifestation…HPB

The Cosmic Yoni is the concretisation of these Mahavidyas. My tantric diksha took place a few years ago as I was given my mantras by my tantric guru. Great man who helped shape my spiritual journey along with a few other SPIRITUAL GUIDES I have like MAHAVATAR BABAJI and the sages of GYANGANJ.

I am calling upon Ishtar, today through the Kali yantra. I have solar motifs. Crystals, incense and the works.

Let me begin by telling you about my attraction to Ishtar. The books of Zachariah Sitchin popped into my hands before I hit my teens. Those theories fascinated me and got me looking into most of the truther stuff of the later years. Ishtar was introduced to me.

My tireless, never-ending research began…and as I delved more into her, I felt like I was being pulled into whirlpool of energy. Something familiar. Something known and loved. Her affiliation to the animal kingdom and her being who she is and what she stands for makes me want to know her. The wisdom in her COSMIC YONI!! And I totally believed Ishtar/Innana to be one of the aliens who created and ruled over humanity.

Okay I was troubled about the fact that we humans needed to be ruled over and that they created hybrids who would be the masters of the human populace, the veil was lifted and I smelled colonialism and its toxicity all over again. But that did not keep me from Ishtar. In fact my interest in her got deeper.

By the time I was completing my college, I had written a play on Ishtar with mixed media. I was thinking AR/VR prototypes then! Funny how the cosmic MIND imprints you with ideas, thoughts, suggestions…

This play was called THE JOURNEY OF ISHTAR and it charted her descent into the Netherworld. Her journey through the netherworld became an allegory for my life. I began to see patterns unfold. Of the same pain and shame Ishtar went through. Her nakedness became a metaphor for the ABSTRACT DARK SPACE or ULTIMATE REALITY I was calling out to Ishtar, the light bringer. The fact that her reign was not characterised by that of a consort attracted me. DUMUZI, her man literally lost his life and penis after she fixed with death’s gaze…hahahaha! What’s with men and their cocks?4585746524_328x443

All through HIS-STORY we see women little more than objects or trophies. But it is her and her kin like Hatshepsut, Cleopatra that we have seen the Queen portrayed as something more than just a mannequin.

Yet while I watch the show CROWN on Netflix, I cannot help by see how Elizabeth has always been a puppet. Yes they do try to show her coming up against the system as a feminine role model, yet, I do not see her as such a role model. In fact, she appears as an ENABLER OF PATRIARCHY. So not much to talk about there.

My Lady abandoned heaven and earth to descend to the underworld.
Inanna abandoned heaven and earth to descend to the underworld.
She abandoned her office of holy priestess to descend to the underworld….

This is what her slave writes about Ishtar and this descent to the UNDERWORLD has been a sort of lingering trope in my life. Saturn in the Eighth house. Yes a macabre obsession with DEATH  and REBIRTH. Complete bad-ass Pluto energy which makes me go to the proverbial UNDERWORLD repeatedly to seek myself.

This obsessive fantasy about facing death head on and surviving is a very Plutonian energy that I challenge and of course Saturn beaming my EIGHTH.

Anyway, Ishtar/Innana took me through this psychological journey of archetypes many times. Through the play, through channelled poetry, through meditation…I have invoked Innana.

Today I call upon Ishtar through the Kali Yantra. Is that possible?

I know of her animal shamanism. She channelled animal spirits. Protected the animal world. She also shows us the power they have. Yes this stuff is dangerous, but hey what is not “dangerous”? We have to investigate to get at the crux of the matter.

I know Ishtar’s energies are active in me. My love of animals, facing death and devastation during my tenure as an animal activist with AWA. I still work with street animals. Regularly visit shelters and sanctuaries. And of course I have my own family of rescues.

The Lion! I am a Leo Sun and Ascendant. Vedic Kundli says my Lagna is Simha or LION! And I have four planets in Leo! Including my Mercury. So there all that fifth house related stuff gets a full energetic makeover. Ishtar is associated with SHAMASH, the SOLAR GOD. The Sun is the ruler of LEO!

I am not much of a ritualist. I perform a lot of rituals mentally, like my Shiva Puja and a few homas. Yes I do mental homas. Manas puja. You can try it too. Watch a homa on Youtube. For me its very easy as my Guru in Calcutta does Dasamahavidya homas, Mahamrityunjaya homas, kala sarpa dasa homas in our ashram.

Being blessed, I have performed several important homas there like Chinnamasta, Dhumavati and Kalabhairav and Bagala homa. So I have them in my mind, the whole scene, the mantras, the collective chanting it, the warmth from the flames coming alive by my Guru pouring sacred ghee in it, the smell of incense, the bhakti of the hundreds gathered. It is mystical. The faith. The belief. All of it. And then on all that my Guru’s voice reciting the mantra….I have all of it, in my mind. It’s there stored away in my MIND PALACE.

Ready to be accessed and used anytime. So you find your ideal homa and you can do it too. Manas puja is very sacred. In fact our progenitors created MANAS PUTRAS or the MIND BORN.

In the Mandukya (Mundaka) Upanishad it is written, “As a spider throws out and retracts its web, as herbs spring up in the ground . . . so is the Universe derived from the undecaying one” (I. 1. 7). Brahma, as “the germ of unknown Darkness,” is the material from which all evolves and develops “as the web from the spider, as foam from the water,” etc. This is only graphic and true, if Brahma the “Creator” is, as a term, derived from the root brih, to increase or expand. Brahma “expands” and becomes the Universe woven out of his own substance. The Pitris are lunar deities and our ancestors, because they created the physical man…HPB

So literally Brahma made himself from himself, or his mind, because everything is spiritual and has no dense body. Thoughts create you. So never underestimate the power of your MIND- conscious and more so, the UNCONSCIOUS for therein lies the greatest mysteries.

For Ishtar, I have kept her image, you know the full length shot doing the rounds on the internet. I have kept the Kali yantra in front and am concentrating on it. After meditating on Ishtar and her life, I shall start writing…just channelling her energy. No editing. Oh of course there is LAPIZ LAZULI that I have placed inside the yantra. It is Ishtar’s favourite.

Then, after three days and three nights, Inanna had not returned,
Ninshubur set up a lament for her by the ruins.
She beat the drum for her in the assembly places.

Neither Enlil nor Inanna’s father Nannar, the Moon God of Ur, will help her because she has craved the below, and because those who choose the underworld do not return. Ninshubur succeeds in getting Enki to secure her release:

The story of Ushtar was inscribed on clay tablets at around 1750 BCE and what do we see?

Nothing changes. Patriarchy was as disinterested as it is today. As oppressive and  couldn’t-give-a-fuck as today. Lovely! Nothing changes.

But Ishtar still decides to go there…wonder what her chart looked like? Also the whole stripping away of her clothing and jewellery are signs that she is having to give up power and control. Allegorically it could mean she is shedding veils of ignorance and getting closer to wisdom. Nakedness signifies DEEP WISDOM and is used very much with regards to the feminine. Even the Dakinis, the naked sky dancers exhibit the feminine WISDOM. Like Kali who symbolises just that. Stripping away of all ignorance and falsities.

I love doing rituals for Kali, such intensity in her depths. Ishtar/Innana is ready to shed all her power. For what? I feel like her in so many ways. Ishtar’s journey is all about exploration and acceptance. She stares at the skeletons in her cupboard. She harmonises them and is triumphant! What a woman! I meant she is a woman like us all right? And we?? A goddess too…WE ARE ALL GODDESSES and that is a lesson.

There is very important documentation referring to the description of the constellation VIRGO, which has its origin in the ancient Assyrian-Babylonian culture. This constellation has always been female and has been especially associated with the tension between fertility and beauty. The BABYLONIANS associated this constellation with the goddess Ishtar, also well-known under the name of Ashtoreth or Astarte…This bit is just magic to my ears. MY VENUS IS IN VIRGO. So your Venus placement is important to check out. Sublime!

Ishtar is the Goddess of sex too. Now having Saturn in the Eight is quite an intense lesson. To be learnt in the arena of sex, death, rebirth, shared resources. Can sex and Saturn be even spoken of in the same sentence? Well, ask us…the SATURN IN THE 8TH people. We are a special breed.

Through us a lot of sexual information will be passed to the collective. The eighth house is one of such hardcore lessons- how do you share resources? Who are you in the deepest dark? What are your fears, anxieties, worries? Lastly how do you deal with them. Saturn teaches you…he is a strict task master. In India we say SHAM SHANISHCHARAYA NAMAHA to appease Saturn. You can try it too. And wear black, eat black rice. You can get in touch for more details as it is imperative to know where Shani is positioned in your chart.

Back to the scary EIGHTH HOUSE stuff- this is not some wishy-washy, light and frivolous house. These energies are intense. Now let Saturn decide to be there when you were born, then stuff gets really heavy and deep- murky, briny…but Saturn wants you to know how to swim out of that quagmire of your psyche full of fears, repression and anxiety. Somehow Saturn in the eight usually means that ideas that sex is dirty can be passed down from elders. This is your battle AND YOUR metamorphosis. You have to prove to yourself that SEX IS NOT UNHEALTHY.

We take INTIMACY seriously, like ISHTAR did and I see nothing wrong with that. I am on the quest of TRANSFORMING(SCORPIO) my FEARS(SATURN- LOW VIBRATION). This house is the gateway to my deepest psychological secrets and like Ishtar I am on a journey to understand the archetypes, tropes and imagery of the deep UNCONSCIOUS.

In fact this is why Tarot, Astrology and other divination modalities are so helping to me. They help me explore the PSYCHE. I love it. And having an occult leaning, I see how as above so below and nothing is real. A HOLOGRAM. That’s what this is…a 3D Hologram.

Where are we? We are a part of that UNIVERSAL BRAIN…all of us, including ISHTAR.

Did you know that all sexual activities ceased when Innana entered the NETHERWORLD. ALL SEX STOPPED!!! There is so much importance given to describing her body that it obviously points to her enjoying her femininity and sexuality.

She put the whole gender thing into flux. See she was supposed to attract Tammuz/DUMUZI like any other Goddess, via sexy clothing, jewellery, makeup, flirtation and a whole lot of other shit. But what does she do? Returning from the underworld, accompanied by demons who must have a mortal in compensation, she fixes the eye of death on her absent-minded partner who is engrossed in affairs of state, and he is chased by the demons of hell, losing his possessions, his genitals and his life. There you have it!

This losing his genitalia is symbolic of his manhood. Did Ishtar take away his manhood by being a full blown woman? Is it true that when a WOMAN/SACRED FEMININE finds her true power, no man can subdue her. In the world of patriarchy that means a man has lost his manhood. There is no BALANCE you see. IN PATRIARCHY THERE IS NO EQUALITY!

Innana challenged that concept and I think that is super cool. And of course, she is the GODDESS OF HEALING….So she is an archetypal energy I seek to invoke. She never minced her words. Surely not a diplomat. We see this when she speaks to the Gatekeeper of the Netherworld. She is deciding to go where no one is permitted, yet, she speaks with so much authority. I mean that could be misconstrued as a bad thing, but it may not be so.

Patriarchy has oppressed us women for so long, that some of us have become inherently REBELLIOUS. Turning Camus on his head- if patriarchy is ABSURD, then how do we react to it? With rebellion of course. Now more than even we need to collect all the broken female hearts and make them into ART.

Which of your lovers have you loved forever? Which of your Little Shepherds has continued to please you? Come, let me name your lovers for you! … (col. 2:) … for TAMMUZ, the lover of your youth. Year after year you set up a wailing for him. You loved the mauve-colored `shepherd bird’: but you seized him and broke his wing …. So you would love me in my turn, and, as with them, set my fate….” This is from the epic of Gilgamesh. Here we see how Gilgamesh is actually afraid of Ishtar’s advances for he FEARS THE INTENSITY OF HER LOVE. He is worried that ISHTAR will emasculate him and erase his name from History.

This trope is also common in the patriarchal discourse…a woman’s love! DANGEROUS. FICKLE. “Young men’s love then lies not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.”  This quote by Shakespeare elucidates the MALE GAZE perfectly well. Has it changed? Men will love with their eyes. So girls look good. It’s not in their hearts. Men are of course heartless jerks(sarcasm, I know the EVOLVED MAN archetype very well).

Maya Angelou rings true to my mind…A wise woman wishes to be no one’s enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone’s victim. Will be bringing to you channelled writings…later on in the day if possible…


The North Star of my Soul

Will you be surprised if I told you,

You are the North Star of my existence.

This Ego is the death of us,

Obsessed with fetishistic nuances,

The path is now dark,

The clouds of the mind have blocked off all the light,

The sky is now a stiffing blanket,

Of your conscious and unconscious mind.

The leaves lie like paper skeletons,

They fly away with the wind,

Intend there be rainbows,

Intend there will be sunshine.

The storm of the mind makes its ominous presence.

But then, just like that, you appear.

The anchor in this sea of existence.

You taught me to embrace Mara’s daughters.

You taught me that I am to make friends with my demons.

Confused, I did not know how to even acknowledge their existence.

They did not exist. For how shall I retain my sanity?

How shall I find peace in this turbulence?

Will the aircraft of my life take a nosedive?

Your existence is the smile in my tears.

They drop like nectar from the honey pot of creation.

For everything that I can conceive is real.

For  me it is as real as you out there,

Reading this and wondering what the fuss is all about?

This is a part of my soul and it lies expressed.

In this moment of abstraction.


Of nothingness and yet it is pregnant with everything.

Will my tears create the fractals of infinity?

You are those tears as much as the laughter.

The North star of my soul.

There is heartache in our separation.

I know how numb I feel without you.

You are the lighthouse that keeps beaming to me.

A dream of a distant past? A future  unlived?

A parallel reality?

Those waves of time are making a ruckus in my brain.

The time has come to reconnect.

You are forever present in the fact that you are me.

This is no shock surely.

This is about you being the anchor on which I can rest.

Yes this you I experience in moments of meditation.

For in real life you have no existence.

But isn’t this true that this reality where I am typing away

Is also as unreal as the virtual world.

The internet has brought on a new timelessness.

If you must understand, time now officially is dead.

The people are now logged on and that is real.

So reality is just perception.

The other day when I fell asleep and you came to watch.

The song was playing, I don’t remember it.

I never remember it,

The mind is hollow and does not react to anything.

It laughs. It laughs. It laughs.

The rays are multicoloured,

Colours I cannot even explain.

They occur and I see the North Star.

So fixed. Always there. A yearning for the familiar?

Why do I seek you out North star?

When I can seek out any heavenly body?

Is it because I like the comfort of something known?

The North Star, you are me.

The fixed part of my mind. That needs to stay anchored.

Can sadness erase sadness?

Can there be too much of happiness?

Human emotions are so frivolous.

Here one minute, gone the next.

There is no peace without war.

I bathe in the psyche of pain everyday.

Of people. As an empath I am the sponge.

Protection and you  tread slowly.

The North star of my soul.15940815_1774805082841738_4508867395791242878_n




Astroupdate by Tinaheals

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself…George Bernard Shaw

Full Moon Aftermath

Cardinal T-square: Jupiter 22 oppose Uranus 20/Eris 22 Aries square Sun 23/Pluto 17 Capricorn
Sun/Pluto Capricorn sextile Mars 19/Chiron 21 Pisces
Moon Leo quincunx Venus/Neptune 10 Pisces
Saturn 22/Juno 23 Sagittarius trine Uranus 20/Eris 22 Aries, square Mars 19/Chiron 21 Pisces
Mercury Capricorn trine NN Virgo, sextile SN Pisces

Today is a very potent day for magick and healing. In India we are celebrating Lohri, Pongal, makar sankranti…basically the passing of the Winter Solstice.

The Merc retro is over and all the planets are MOVING DIRECT.

Seriously this is some hardcore mojo. Are you making use of this energy? Did you try the Full Moon meditation I suggested. Look at my previous posts, you will see a lot of info on moons- full and new. I just love the Moon. I am a full-on LUNATIC! Lol!

What is your modus operandi for this astroyoga? Are you anxiously biting your nails, in frustration or guilt? Are you denying the truth with every bit of energy? Well, you are in for a RUDE AWAKENING.

I have been telling you my honeybuns that this is the time of complete and total TRANSFORMATION. No hiding away, come out and meet all your problems headon.

The Universe is supporting us don’t you see, by making all the planets direct. At least this energy will make things go forward. People are feeling very bogged down. The markets are unstable. Prices are going up and demonitisation! What else can hit us?

But as already explained, the financial institutes will be totally changed…Pluto in Capricorn. Will smash all boundaries.

How does Mars in Pisces feel for you? A bit slimy? And Venus in her surreal dance with Neptune is lighting many hearts on fire I am sure…explore these relationships. Not all romantic, but now you can find partners for business and also friends. Yes you can find your soul tribe.

That healing is so immense—finding people of your same frequency. Fuck is that even possible. So much rhetoric, but where is the friendship?

But do you deserve that friendship? Have you accepted yourself? Do you love yourself? Only then will you find love for your friend or lover. Accept yourself. Do not keep the demons caged up in your psyche for they will fester and your mind will be convoluted.

There is no shame, no wallowing in self pity…open your hair and go out in the Sun or moon wherever you are and soak up the energies. You can invoke Sangya Menla or Medicine Buddha to assist you.

Ah yes…work with water. Do a spiritual salt foot bath or soak yourself in the tub. But energise the water. How? Talk to it. Water responds.

Feel the magic and be energised.images-2

Heal the MOTHER-WOUNDS this Cancer Full Moon

“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.”
― Anton Chekhov

There is a huge possibility, with the help of the astro in the sky that you could heal all your mommy issues. Yes this Cancerian moon is sending us abundant motherly energies to morph negativity into positivity. I woke up remembering that I was dreaming about my mother. Immediately I felt so connected to that space we inhabited together in dreamland.

She was right there with me. Sometimes life goes by and you don’t get to say what you need to. My mom and me have had our issues, but finally when I became a mother, all those issues were put to death. By my own mother-hood. I felt horrible for judging my mother. So, so terrible for saying all those nasty things to her.

As soon as I hit puberty, I sort of lost it. My mom became the most irritating person ever. There have been moments when I wished I never see her again. How foolish was I? Seeing my daughter grow up and my mom getting older, I have finally understood my own mortality. Life is too shot. To fight. To crib. Life is too complex and too simple all at once. Life is a piece of magick.

TODAY YOU WILL FIND THE COSMIC ENERGIES TO HEAL THE MOTHER WOUND. Ask for forgiveness and you shall receive it. Forgive yourself and her. She may be your mother, but she is a human, a WOMAN. You can write a note to her that you ask her for forgiveness and you forgive her or you can just call her up. SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER. HEAL HER. HEAL YOUR SOUL. RECONNECT TO THE MOTHER. RECONNECT TO THE EARTH AND ALL THINGS FEMININE. Use your sensitivity. This is profound and beautiful…this re connection to the WOMB.amazing-nature-moon-wallpapers-hd-pictures

Vulnerability is okay. We are so busy trying to be invincible that we forget we are only human. I think this full moon should be about COMPASSION. I feel it. Don’t you? There are definitely polarity in the air. There is conflict. But stare at the pale moon. Staring at us. Smiling at us. Giving us the possibility of life. Giving us women our sacred menstruation cycle.

I feel such a deep connection to the moon. While I lived in Goa, I remember how I soaked up every bit of the lunar energies, as much as the Cosmos permitted. Kissing her with my eyes. Writing about her. Writing to her. There was something about the pale silvery hue of the moonlight that made me feel so charged. In every way.

The moon when aligned with the Sun, gives us this magical sight- the full moon. It is as if hope is reborn. So why don’t you try to go out tonight. Somewhere alone or with your partner or an intimate group of friends. Drive away, to a tranquil place. Find a nice spot and sit under the moonlight.

Yes you can do whatever you want, but just be AWARE. Aware of the pale moon in the sky. Look at it. Feel its rays penetrating you. Penetrating every molecule, every atom of your body and  your etheric field. Feel those shards of moonlight destroying negativity and accumulated karma. Feel them burn away.

If there is a special issue you want to address, then think about it. You may or may not concise it and make it smaller. You can make it as small as a grain of sand. Compress all that emotions of hurt, pain and misery and squeeze it till it is a tiny grain. In your hands.

When I have meditated with people and we have used this technique, some of them do not like to make it small. They like to look at the whole problem in a bubble. They want to be able to see it. Then invoke the sacred rays of the moon to burn that bubble or grain into oblivion. Now actually visualise this pale light burning your misery. Hear the sound of it burning and then what have you? Blow away all the shit.

Sit under the moon. I suggest journaling, but you may just SIT. DO NOTHING. JUST SIT AND BREATHE. If you’re in a group, just be aware of what is happening. Feel the vibes, the wind, the conversation. Feel the whole experience INTENSELY.

SOAK UP THE MOONLIGHT- Literally yes. Also ask it to give healing to your internal organs, most importantly your heart. Ask the moonlight to slowly probe your heart centre. This will energise it fully. If you want fertility, then concentrate  on your womb. If you want education, then focus on the brain. You get the drift. You can always soak yourself in a bath and then explore self pleasure while you watch your breath.

And let those feelings out…feel vulnerable, feel exposed, feel out of control. RELEASE THEM TO THE MOON. Whenever I am upset and it is a full moon, all I need is just to go outside, sit and stare, do my thing under it and get back to being normal. That is how effective the moon energies are.

There is a huge reservoir of feminine wisdom available to us through this portal. Men and women can access this energy equally. It is the primordial feminine wisdom- VACH or SARASWATI, SOPHIYA of the Jews…the mother matrix. So she is opening herself up for us- this MOTHER of us all. Heal. Enjoy. Celebrate. Don’t let the crab’s claws and shells stop you. INTUITIVE Cancer can be so whiny sometimes and if tap into the lower frequencies of this gig, you’re really up shit’s creek.

Stay safe if you feel too pessimistic. Be home with a bunch of friends, or even alone. You could watch a thought provoking film, like something from World Cinema. Watch a film from a far away country you don’t know much about. Be open.

Honey buns, in case you feel that you’re a werewolf about to rip open the skin of the human you’re living inside, then its time to visit your local medical cannabis centre. Lol! There will be mood swings. Hardcore. One moment you could be hot and heavy and the next you could be ripping each other’s hair. As long it ends well…right? But seriously couples, take a breather tonight! Don’t start a fight.

Cancer, the first WATER SIGN and represents water in its BASIC FORM, can be insecure, so don’t let the thought of your partner with someone else ruin your full moon. Why don’t you make a special ritual you both can share on full moons. It will deepen your relationship for sure.

There is a lot of water energy happening and it may create steam when mixed with fire. With air, water becomes more energised. Bubbly. It can be refreshing. Think of clear babbling brooks. But it can be equally scary. Like the deep sea. When water is confined it can be controlled, like a pool but when water goes out of control it is dangerous. Have you seen the viral posts of Tsunamis? Scares me.

Remember you can tailor make your intentions and manifest what works best for you. Do it in this full moon. Like water can be steam, ice or H2O, you can also be whatever you want. YOU CAN BE YOU…

To me water energies are all about paradoxical and intuitive time portals opening that tell me intense stories about the human condition. We are mostly water. Imagine how much the moon affects us. So cut aggression out totally this full moon and stop the need to feel like you’re defending something. Most of the times, you are just looping yourself to misery for NO ONE OR NOTHING NEEDS DEFENDING ALL THE TIME.

Under the full moon, know this, that all is perfect, all is love and all is ONE.

Tarot, Trance and Time travel

radiance.gifThe Devil card- time for revaluation…

The watchful retrograde Mercury,

I am chained to this loop with no soulful imagination,

A loop of my bondage to the material world,

Makeup, mushrooms, meditational orgasms.


A spring-night, full-moon-madness and rituals  of fertility,

Dreams of life vivid and complicated,

The dualities merged in an amniotic tranquillity,

The thirst is eternity wrapped in a bubble,

Awakened to a mind-palace eerie, screeches of hostility.


Sights and sound blend into dimensional warps,

The Moon up above is as shiny as the silvery moon inside,

A completion, my own womb in unity with the Universal spark.

Like the Ouroboros emblematic of the unconscious.

Alive, alive, alive!


The gnawing sense of loss, the saga of separation,

From  you my Time Traveller!

There is a song that keeps playing inside of my imagination,

Have you heard that frequency in 4D?

You made this track, I remember…you’re no amateur.


There are infinite vortices in frequencies we cannot access,

But in my right eye,

There is a time machine.

To ferry us to oblivion to confess and invest..

In the need of one another, joined in yabyum.


For what need is there my TRAVELLER..

For this separation…

The inevitability of the dew of my soul drying up with the harsh Sun of reality…

Seems to me that you’re sucking me through this sound…

Into a parallel Tree(of life).


Like the Emperor you sit.

Were you not the Fool?

Beginning your journey new.

A whole new vista, waiting to get drunk with newness.

From the ambrosial vulva of creation.


Were you not Death?

You time jumped into the pupils of my eyes.

The perpetual movement of cycles of breath.

Eternally waiting for the final Metomorphosis.

So much angst, so much suffering for greater clarity and depth.


Were you not the Temperance, Strength and the Hanged Man?

There was a point in time when it all began.

A time of loops and time warps.

A tantalising bizarre parody.

Of fake moral fortitude, repeating incessantly, in a loop- YES I CAN.


In my mind there is only one tune that plays…

Creepy…it takes me to a place of fear…

A willing choice to push every sound away.

My heartbeat is intense in its rapidity,

It’s unsettling…this whoosh, whoosh.


The poignancy of The Star reversed.

This wistful feeling of familiarity with this frequency,

Of the track you are playing in my mind, cursed and pierced.

Or are you stealing the tune away in lunacy?

Are we time travellers caught in a loop of sound?


On this dimension to learn soul lessons?

Do we even exist outside of our heads?

I see you standing  on the white shores of nowhere…it beckons…

The endless bustling sea, grey, dark and almost menacing.

Are you listening to my thoughts?


For you are aware of the sound of my soul.

My mind talk, the intricacy of my mindpalace where I store a million memories…

The bitter sweetness of this fragmented whole.

A life never lived.

A space never shared.


The ambiguity of it all…the nothingness, the absurdism of this madness and mayhem…

My TIME TRAVELLER, there is no return for you or me,

Back to the loop, back to the grind.

The Chariot will take us there and mix dreams with nightmares.

Mythical, mastery of conflicted issues…our journey into the netherworld of Innana.

Ishtar journeys through the darkest reaches of the underworld to bring her brand of love and warfare.


The Sun is on the horizon,

The child smiles at me, a smile of promises brightened.

A smile to break the loop with innocence.

Invasive is this life, cruel and like the Hermit I retreat.

I was that child not so long ago.


Where did I lose those days, moments, seconds and silences?

TIME TRAVELLER, I know you exist.

Why do you not reveal yourself in this 3D reality?

You can slip back into your black hole anytime you want.

You know how to close this leaking time drift.


The Ace of Cups…a new beginning…in life..

A renewal of emotions, a complete PURGE.

I wear vulnerability like makeup,

I open my whole self to your magic TIME TRAVELLER.

For once I awaken and take charge.


I know you come to meet me through the music.

I know of the loops now and of the portals.

Of the silent sound you put in my head.

My hypothesis…it is the only faint memory my unconscious knows.

Will I ever cross these insurmountable hurdles?

Like the Page of Wands, enthusiastic Time Loop Ventures.

A thousand shards of cosmic glass splatters in my heart,

It’s the Three of Swords- the SEPARATION and the misadventure.

Traveller melt away this 3D dense reality.

DELETE and let us move into 5D awareness…


This sound of the bass and the interdimensional warp.

I hunt for the Four of Wands…the final atonement.

The shadow caught in the quagmire.

All these moments are fleeting and cannot be caught and photographed either.

They are like the dual slit experiment.


Will this life be a wave or a particle?

Every season, every sunrise, every bird song, every new moon…

You cannot box them or can you Traveller?

Do you have technology to freeze the moment and take a 3D print?

4D print of the temporary nothingness of a moment.


I can hear my own heartbeat in your song.

Was it yours to begin with?

Or did you steal it somewhere on the way?

Traveller I do not remember who you are.

You’re just a face I see around.


The face distorts into a thousand faces,

Sometimes it screams like a ghoulish nightmare.

There is a certain frustration to this process.

How do I tell the faces apart?

How do I remember your face Traveller?


The Lovers pop up. In naked embrace.

I want you Traveller now more than ever.

Seems like I’ve been listening to your whispers for eternity.

The Dark surrounds us, the cosmic warp of all dimensions.

Merging and melting, dying and being reborn.


Every single cell of the body,

To the hugest quasars in space.

The Tower is the only vague memory I have.

And that pitch, that sound, that frequency.

Is this dream coming to an end?


Is the final wakeup call here?

That melancholic synchronicity, that tune ringing in the background.

That song is your Traveller.

That joy is you.

But, but, but…there is always a choice involved.


The Magician is you with control over time and space.

You use your tools of higher intuitive forces.

You create MAGIC Traveller.

In my waking life, there is no YOU Traveller.

You are the Great Void.


I am your High Priestess, my Magician.

I am the alaya of your soul…

I waited for eternity with all these words.

To lay them out before you, like a perfect spread.

All signifying the signifier and meaning is lost forever.


Five of Wands energy controls this loop.

The sickening competitive spirit alive and kicking in all areas of the human condition.

Trees, birds, animals, humans, bloody and gory- slain.

Blood and guts, hacked limbs, bones and cartilage, dismembered animals on plates of devastation.

Are you standing still at my pain?


The Eight of Swords- tension, turbulence, terrorism.

But change is in my hands Traveller.

Yet I refuse it. I renounce it. I ridicule it.

The polarities in me divergent- what of this schism?


The Judgement. Maat weighing my soul against her feather of truth.

Will I survive Traveller? Or meld away into darkness?

Will I be able to cross the bridge into the 5D reality?

The secrets are there…in MSS, in that sound you created.

Like Shiva who brought forth AUM into existence.


You are a Shiva of my own creation Traveller.

The days tick by and life drags on.

You don’t exist in my world. You never did.

For you exist in my mind and my heart.

My yang waiting to be coalesce into your yin.