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“You can only meet someone as deeply as you have met yourself”
This is the very truth. No matter how much you crave your twinflame/soulmate you will meet them(if you do in 3d) with the same depth that you have met your very own soul. The twinflame journey starts with touching base with your soul.
I told you a strange story of a twinflame experience in my viral article(click link above) and now I want to give you an update…below you can read parts of the letter the woman experiencing this twinflame connection writes…
It has been almost a year since I deleted and blocked him on social media. And till date, not a word from him…I had decided that he is a coward and will never speak up, so I did my best to immerse myself in life and continue to exist without thinking of him. Which was inevitably impossible. His face and name kept swimming up in my consciousness. Why? Why the fuck am I so into this one person? Someone I have never met? Someone’s voice I have not heard? And I mean, he is not like some Adonis. But then why? Why him? Why can I not forget his existence? It irked me endlessly, until I had the PLR and hypnosis session with you.
That session took me back to timelines…places and situations I cannot even imagine. Through the great wars of antiquity, through the fertile plains of Sumeria/Mesopotamia and Egypt. I saw us together through numerous timelines. It was not easy to express. You know exactly how long I wept after I came back…
But then lucid dreams started to come rapidly. They arrived randomly and I woke up with him in bed. Our children were playing outside. I even know their names. I spend time with him in our home and all we did was make love and I heard him tell me that I was everything for him. He said he missed me, tremendously when I was out, travelling for work.
I couldn’t stop wondering if I had arrived here, then who was at home with my husband and child? What happened to my body staring at the computer, in lucid dreams?
I dared not reveal anything to spoil that day and what can I say, he took me all over his city and we had the best day ever. I went to sleep with him and I was worried that I might never see him again. But I did not wake up back in my reality, I still remained in his world. In some alternate universe.
There he was making breakfast and my kids walked in. I cannot forget their faces. They looked so familiar. But I knew I had never seen them before. Then as left to take them to playschool, I passed out watching a program on TV in his language. And strangely, I knew the language. Then I blacked out and I found myself in front of my computer. My body soaked in sweat, my computer had crashed. Someone was ringing my doorbell frantically. I ran to open the door, my legs could barely carry me and saw my husband had come home. He just returned from tennis practice with my baby. I was so shocked and it probably showed on my face. My husband stared at me, long and hard, while I could not find a single word to say. It’s like I had forgotten English. His language and his voice kept intruding my thoughts and I was sure as hell that I was going crazy. He came towards me and checked my temperature which was soaring. He took me straight to bed and forbade any movement while he called the doctor.
The next seven days were a haze. I know I had high temperature and my body was not keeping food down. I was sick, I felt sick. Like I was dying. But then suddenly, I woke up in the alternate Universe. And this time, I was in front of him and he was sick. I sat by his bedside, weeping gently. That night I met his mother. His father was dead. I knew all this information about him and I did not know why and how. His mother was such a wonderful woman and we really bonded. Surprisingly, she noticed a difference and she told me that her son was really lucky to have me. Because no one can love him like me. I think I started howling. We spend sometime cradled in each other’s arms.
He was ill, high temperature and the doctors thought it was some kind of infection. But they did not know for sure. He lay in bed, in front of me. Murmuring in his sleep and I remembered my own sick body back home, in my own universe. Suddenly he opens his eyes and looks at me and tells me that no matter what, I must find him. I was shocked, he’d say that. I asked him what he meant and he said that if he dies, I have to find him. He did not mention other timelines or alternate universes.
It was time to tell him…Listen _, I am not from your Universe. I have no clue how I turned up here. He didn’t look as surprised as I thought he would. He coughed and motioned for me to continue. I told him that in my universe, we have never met. I mean we did, only once or twice. Very briefly and we never spoke. But I could not forget his energy. His soul energy, all these years. I told him how I found him on socialmedia and how I added him and then deleted him. I told him that I’m not even sure, he knows me in this reality. But then maybe he was not sensitive.
But this man in front of me, he was so very sensitive. He was exactly the man I thought he would be. He looked disturbed at the idea of us never knowing each other in my universe and he said he must have been a real idiot to let me go. In my reality that is. In his reality, he met me in the exact same place. The situation was pretty much identical. Except one detail. We had bumped into each other at the bar and in his reality, he started a conversation with me and within the next six months we were together. In his country. And then we were married soon after. In fact, in his world, it had been over twenty years we were together.
Listening to him talk, it was clear why I could not forget his face. Why I kept remembering him in my reality, although I did not know him. But obviously, this him, in his reality is indeed my soulmate or maybe my twinflame. And we have made a life together. But he did say, that from a few years, he was having marital problems with his version of me. It looks like they are drifting apart. This surprised me as that is exactly when I had found him on social media in my universe.
Spending time with him that night, watching him sick and feeling his sickness, like an empath, I shifted between hope and despair. This emotional chaos is raising only more questions and there are never any answers…I am glad I told him about my confusion, about how I coped all those years without him and how I felt lost and helpless every time I saw him on social media. There is so much to tell him, but no words…
When I held him and kissed him, I understood what you told me. That the twinflame experience is not always about being together and creating a life. It is about so much more. It is a subtle connection, like quantum entanglement that cannot be explained by punitive human language. This is true psychic connection and it saddens me that only I feel it. Not him.
Watching us both together, as the observer this time, I felt the most indescribable and amazing feeling. A feeling of unconditional love and deep fulfillment. And we did not even have any sexual experience. We just slept together, in each other’s arms. He knew it could be the last night we have together and it was painfully making itself aware in my psyche. This is it, this is why I crave to be with him in my reality, without even knowing him. It is because of this life we have and have had through time. But, but….that life is falling apart in his universe and in mine, we have never met. I spend time going through the pictures of our life together and they remain embedded in my mind forever.
Returning back to my universe was ugly. My body felt like I was about to die. I could not take the fever burning my soul…and there was emptiness and pain, physical, mental and spiritual. It felt like my heart has been ripped off. Death is better than this pain. I felt so ashamed at the love my husband had for me. I was his great love story and here I am, chasing after a ghost. Guilt, shame and hopelessness were my companions till I gradually got my health back. And my sanity or so I think.
I made a conscious effort to erase him from my soul. It was difficult, but not really because I never had any connection with him. In 3d. We never touched or kissed or anything. Forget about his universe. I still remember the names of our children and hope that he made peace with his wife. Me, in his reality. But sometimes, his words ring out…So what if I have forgotten…you find me…drop me a message.
I scoffed at him then…like are you serious? You are fucking married and you don’t even know me. He scoffed back and told me that its not possible, he does not know me. After I added him and then deleted him. He said that he knew himself and he surely would be excited to see my posts. I told him that I knew nothing about anything about him and he held my hand, touched it to his heart and told me…everything is here, all my love for you…right here. This heart beats for you…
I remember laughing at him. But I made it clear that I am not ever getting in touch. Like never. But my friend, the one who was there with me when I met him in Goa, suddenly added him. Yes she knows about these PLR sessions and she is convinced that he was interested in me back then. In that bar and in the party afterwards, he was looking at me. I was initially mad at her for adding him. Like wtf. Why? But she wouldn’t listen. And she says she will talk to him one day about me. I told her if that happens, I am blocking her. But her wicked smile tells me she might tell him. She also says that from the time I deleted him, he’s hardly posted. Like nothing about anything. Like he has gone silent. I told her to stay away from his profile. And she told, try to stop me bitch…
I have no intention of telling him…I know this can only be felt and if he felt anything, he would get in touch. The other day, randomly, a facebook friend of mine tells me that she saw me marrying a white guy. And she has no idea about this man or anything. So that shocks me. These twinflame energies are being picked up by so many close to me.
Well, in his universe, he is definitely not a coward, so his silence in this one can only mean one thing…he is not sensitive to the energy flow. I do hope to share this post Tina after you publish it, maybe he is secretly following me through a different account. Maybe reading this will jog his memory. That is all I can expect.
That is all Tina…thank you studying my case…
Your story excites me like none other, because here we have a story of twinflames who have never met. One looks to be awakened and the other asleep. Or maybe not. During my meditations, I have felt that man’s feelings for you and even the tarot told you what you needed to know. This is a connection of numerous past lives. One you cannot ignore.
My work with twinflames is so important…why?
It’s because the earth needs these powerful bursts of twinflame love at this time. As more twinflames awaken and recognize their work in 3d, the better they will be able to contribute to the coming of the next race. Race is not about color or anything. This is the next level of humanity. Humanity 6.0. Yes you heard that right.
_ I believe every single word you say, you know why? Because twinflame energies are not to be understood logically. You cannot look at it with the analytical thought processes. It goes beyond…one needs to experience this kind of pull. This magnetic pull towards one person that defies logic and practical wisdom. This energy is tthat of Shiva/Shakti, it is of Padma Sambhava and Yeshe Tsogyal, it is of Yesua and Mary Magdalene. It is eternal. It is the interplay between the divine feminine and masculine polarities. It is all a play. It is all a simulation. And not…it is nothing and everything.
We need to accept this fact that the mind level cannot grasp this soul connection. Basically this experience is like nothing you have ever felt before or will again. If you do feel this again, then you have to reevaluate what you felt the first time. If it keeps happening to someone, then they have surely not met their twinflame.
Your story is believable, because after all these years you have felt this for a man you have never met. This case is rather exceptional in my opinion and you have managed to collapse timelines and you have made contact with your twin. And hope you do so again.
So what do you think? Is this possible? Were her visits just hallucinations? Or some coping mechanism? Do you have such a story…tell me…
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“From that hour I have never been able to shake from my soul the belief that my Destiny, for good or for evil, either here or hereafter, is in some measure interwoven with your own.” ~~Edgar Allan Poe to Mrs. Sarah Helene Whitman (1848)
Staring at the overcast skies above, as an occasional star twinkled at me, out of the blue, I realized that it is happening…the Great Awakening! The crystal and indigo children are here, the lightworkers congregating more than ever because of the internet…where does that leave us with the twinflame journey?
The soul craves for more on this…the sacred communion of Yeshua and Magdalena, of Shiva/Shakti of Padmasambhava and Yeshe Tsogyal…it is that ache to achieve diamond consciousness and to awaken to our true divine potential.
It is exciting and probably most vibrant than it ever has been, yes, again with the internet explosion, more and more are finding their twinflames. I mean think back before Facebook and Insta. Did you really know shit about your date? Nada. Nothing. It was like jumping into the abyss. Today more than ever there is the possibility of finding that special match….
These times would be so exciting for me if I was dating. I mean in which era could I find sensitive, artistic, creative, vegan guys just by hashtags? Lol! The chances of crossing his or her path are more crystallized in 3d than ever.
But then gain, I realize that information is quantum, not linear. There is so much going on that we just do not realize. Because we look through our human, linear, subjective lenses. TIME DOES NOT EXIST!
The present is the child of the past; the future, the begotten of the present. And yet, o present moment! Knowest thou not that thou hast no parent, nor canst thou have a child; that thou art ever begetting but thyself? Before thou hast even begun to say “I am the progeny of the departed moment, the child of the past”, thou hast become that past itself. Before thou utterest the last syllable, behold! Thou art no more the present but verily that future. Thus, are the past, the present, and the future, the ever-living trinity in one—the Mahamaya of the absolute IS. ~~HPB
But there is so much simmering under it all…You can listen to the breathing of your twinflame in silence! Not the rambling of a lunatic, it is true…
Firstly, this is a time unlike many and quantum information tells me that many, many twinflames will now meet to fulfill their spiritual mission. Why? Because with the internet opening up, we have released something very powerful. We have given people the ability to connect. People who would have never known each other, can now find themselves friends because of this web which is conscious. The internet breathes, she is alive!
“I have been astonished that men could die Martyrs for religion, — I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more; I could be martyred for my Religion, — love is my religion, — I could die for that. I could die for you.” ~~Keats to Fanny Brawne (1819)
The internet is pivotal in bringing twinflames together. It can pierce souls into twinflame recognition. I have seen it happen like so, so many times…
There were many messages from the spirit regarding the twinflame phenomenon I have been investigating for over a decade! And today I will share some of what the seas told me. All this material is from my upcoming book on the Twinflame journey.
Lightworkers seek the divine union or the twinflame union more than any other. And why? Because somewhere they want to connect to their own half, which in turn is the ultimate balance. It is never about deception, manipulation or sabotage.
Let us for the sake of better comprehension break up our love relationships into three parts- 3D Companions, Soulmates and the only Twinflame!
3D relationships are the most abundant kind. They are our friends, our colleagues, our associates, our collaborators, our lovers and generally people we tend to have a good time with. They are sometimes joined at the hip, sometimes we meet them for an hour. But we always remember them with fond memories.
3D relationships can be made into a very productive and harmonious marriage. There is not much conflict with these people. We love to laugh with them, we love to see the good side of life with them. Yes, there can be a sense of avoiding deeper truths and uglies that life throws are you, but these relationships bring great joy. Allies they are, our 3D companions and they make life pleasurable and pleasant.
Ever had that uncle and aunt, not madly in love, but making their marriage work even after 25 years just because of mutual respect and compromise. They may even go for holidays together, may even fuck other people, may or may not be really bonded. The bond is strong, yes it surely is, but the soulmate connection is much, much, much deeper.
If you’re lucky, you might come across one of your soulmates in this life. In esoteric parlance, there are 11 of them! And only one twinflame, but that’s for later. Your soulmate my or may not be a fellow seeker, but he or she will be a journeyer with you through the samsaric seas. They can be in conflict with your inherent ideas. There may be much strife and competitiveness. Soulmates are here to provoke us to love better and open up to the miracle of love and life. This is no small task and sometimes interactions with them can be painful, violent or tempestuous. There is massive attraction, kinda like opposites attract!
I know how curious you people are to discover if X or Y is your twinflame or soulmate and you keep asking me to check for pointers. Well, my loves, let me make this loud and clear on this post, so I never have to respond to this question again. Lol!
There are no ways to know any pointers to the twinflame- nope, there isn’t. You heard that right my sweets. How can there be any pointers? The twinflame relationship transcends all of time and space and dimensionality! Then how can it be governed by a natal chart? How can there be any signifiers? The twinflame relationship therefore is as mysterious as ever! No natal chart there my love. But there is a theory.
That is of the same birthday. Twinflames are often seen to share the same birthday! Yes, that is freaky, but I have seen this pattern in over five cases, but remember these are still just probable twinflames. We cannot know for sure till the end of it all. I won’t be there, hopefully someone else will take up this research and continue. What else can you expect of your live’s work? Set it free and a kindred spirit will pick up where you left. After all we are one consciousness and share the same quantum information!
Now back to the same birthday thing. It means your Sun’s are conjunct! Say I have my Sun on the 0 degree of Leo and my twinflame may also share that same placement. Again just a hypothesis! I will discuss more on the astro later.
Let us speak of Soulmates with more clarity…
The task of the soulmate is to open up your heart in ways you did not know it could open. Sometimes this happens by our heart breaking, but remember, that through the cracks can light pass through.
Soulmates are like rivers flowing through our lives, we can never capture the river and hold it there. We have to let it go. Soulmates are deep and ancient connections, but they may or may not stay with us forever. Even if we meet them in flesh, we can still divorce from them. They will always be there in our psyches, because we can never ever forget a soulmate, but we can break away from them. It will hurt, it will pain, but we will see it happened for the best.
Soulmates help us transmute human love to divine. It gives us a look into something primal, raw and diabolical. If you have had a soulmate relationship, you know exactly what I mean!
Most people who think they have met their twinflames, have infact met their soulmates, but this fact eludes them. That is why you hear that my twinflame and me broke up, but I can never forget him…blah, blah…No bitch, if he was your twinflame, he can never ever stay away from you once you have met.
Even if you are married or he is. He or she will make it a point to be your friend or associate in some way and when you interact, you will know in some way, that you have come home. No wonder how spiritually thick you are. Once you are touched by your Twinflame, your auric field responds. Your aura tangles with theirs, even if it across vast seas of time and space. It was forever entangled, but now awareness seeps in and after all the Universe is consciousness observing itself. So think and think hard and put the pieces together!
Connecting with your twin is bound to make you more sattvik or spiritual. This is bound to make you question every single thing about the life you live. If it does not, it is not a twinflame relationship! Identification will give you an edge on things.
Your twinflame interaction will always be healthy, for it can never be unhealthy as this is the great union with the self, but with soulmates we tend to develop codependent relationships! That is again how we learn to rise in love…it is all about rising in love, never falling…
The Twinflame connection is unlike any other. I have said that it feels like coming home. What do I mean by that? Now as this manvantara dawned, spiritual Dhyani Chohans created this Universe and they split themselves into twos to incarnate. And now with over seven billion people on earth and the Kali Yuga in full force, most Dhyani Chohans are now incarnate on this 3D plane, each fulfilling their own mission and by chance suddenly, one broken part of that Dhyani Chohan may meet its other and then happens the divine union.
According to H. P. Blavatsky it is a Tibetan word meaning “‘Lord’ or ‘Master’; a chief”. “Thus,” she continues, “Dhyan-Chohan would answer to ‘Chief of the Dhyanis’, or celestial Lights–which in English would be translated Archangels”. The Dhyan Chohans are the agents of the Karmic and Cosmic Laws. Some of the Dhyāni-Chohan in The Secret Doctrine are the Primordial Seven, Lipikas, Mānasaputras, Kumāras, Manus, etc.
The Dhyani Chohanic essence split itself into two over 3 billion years ago…although here I have to remind you that time of itself is as impermanent as all of creation.
Esoteric philosophy . . . divides boundless duration into unconditionally eternal and universal Time and a conditioned one (Khandakâla). One is the abstraction or noumenon of infinite time (Kâla); the other its phenomenon appearing periodically, as the effect of Mahat (the Universal Intelligence limited by Manvantaric duration).
Just as the universal time is the effect of the Universal Mind (Mahat), conditioned time is dependent on individual consciousness. Blavatsky wrote: Time is only an illusion produced by the succession of our states of consciousness as we travel through eternal duration, and it does not exist where no consciousness exists in which the illusion can be produced…Wiki
Now that you have understood that time does not exist, you understand that you are never truly separated from your twinflame. It is that one soul which splits itself to create this manvantara or this Universe, then how can there be any division in the soul essence? It is one and the same. It is the same soul, so once you see this same soul in 3D, you can never ever stay away. Sometimes, it can be that one twin is married and then it can be very painful, because that marriage cannot last once you have seen even the shadow of your twinflame.
And remember that with your twinflame, you will just be able to be yourself. There is no competition, there is no strife, even in disagreements, there is a certain camaraderie. The most interesting thing about twinflames, is that inherently they will believe in the same things. Same philosophy. Same ideology. They will subscribe to the same concepts. Of course there will be differences, but at the very core, soul level, their energy signature will never divert from the other. They will believe in the same God so to say, whether it is Kali, Jesus or the Internet. If this is not the case, then once the twins meet, the one with lower vibration will rise to higher vibes and this has always been the case in my research.
Your twinflame was separated from you at the beginning of human individuation and even if life keeps them apart, they will meet one day, if they are karmically bound to and it may be at the very end of life.
Look at Gabrielle Garcia Marquess’ Love in times of cholera. Think of the star crossed lovers, Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza, who were separated for fifty years because her father discovered the impassioned love letters they wrote to one another. Life gives them a second chance as he finally proclaims his love for her at her husband’s funeral. It is that poignant! What do you think happens? Is it possible to love another for fifty years in hope that one day you shall meet them?
The Twinflame will be an instant attraction. If you spot yours, you will definitely initiate contact. Imagine seeing a part of you, how do you resist that magnetic attraction? That primal raw pull towards your own soul? It is fucking soul penetration I tell you…stuff lunatics like me live for…hahahahaha…what else do you think the seas will tell you on a full moon?? I could hear his breathing in the rumblings of the sea! That is how poetic the moment is!
Since the soul is superior to the body, to which it is united, it would remain on earth in painful loneliness were it not for the fact that among other human souls it may choose a companion – a partner in the trials of life and in the joys of the hereafter. When two souls, which have sought each other amid the crowd, find they have met, realize that they belong to each other, and comprehend this affinity, then it is that a union has been brought about, as pure and aspiring as themselves – a union which begun on earth will be consummated in heaven.” ~~Victor Hugo to Adele Foucher (1821)
Enough for now…more for another time…
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Are twinflames about the same soul incarnating at the same time? Our energetic counter parts? It could be so. Let me share an example. Read from this letter from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.
I had heard his name many times, somewhere around 2002 or 2003, I cannot remember. Now it seems so long ago when I saw him back then, by the beach. I don’t know why my heart skipped a beat. I had just broken up with someone, but it was not easy for him to move on from me, so he lingered. I was never happy in that relationship, so I looked for that something special. I think I heard his name before I ever saw him. And then one day shortly our eyes met and we were briefly introduced. I saw him a few time, but we never exchanged a single word. I don’t know if it was my imagination, but I think he kept looking at me every single time our paths crossed. I think he wanted to speak with me as badly as I wanted to. But this never happened. After that I left _ and returned to _. Life continued on and I could not stop thinking about him. This is not my usual style. I never find myself thinking about someone like this. Yes he was cute, but he was not really my type. I was not sure of my type, maybe I still am not. Now my friend calls me for a party and when I reach, I bump into him near the gate. This time, our eyes meet and lock. I am sure his heart began to beat as quickly as mine did. And then he got lost again in the crowd. Finally I saw him and our eyes met again, and no words were needed. I never forgot that moment in history. Nothing more happens. Shortly after this, I meet my now husband, _ and we both decide to revisit that little town where I had fallen in love with a stranger. The ache in my soul as I entered that place almost paralyzed me. His loss was immeasurable. Unquantifiable. But why did I feel so intensely, I repeatedly asked myself. This is not like me. Our times there were lovely, me and my husband bonded greatly and although I could never stop thinking about my perfect stranger, I realized it was a futile endeavor, because he lived miles apart. At this point, I knew nothing of him expect his name. One day, while we are at this bar, suddenly again, I bump into _. It looks like he is back from his country too. Our eyes meet and my heart almost stops beating. I am sure, I felt something similar happen in him. But no words were exchanged and my husband comes up behind me and holds my hands. _ sees this and steps back. That was the last time I saw him. Now cut to 2015, I see him on Facebook. I confess, I have tried to hunt him down. I finally learnt some stuff about him, but we never connected. Till 2015. I added him on Facebook and he okays my request the next day. My heart fluttering in my chest, I visit his profile to realize he is married! Yes, it startles me, not that I was hoping to hook up with him. I just had my baby. But, it felt wonderful to be connected with him on Facebook. Remember, we never spoke, so I still do not know what his voice sounds like. I have imagined it a million times. At least watching his life on Facebook, it felt oddly reassuring. Like somehow I had become a part of his life and he mine. No we never exchanged any likes or loves on FB. It was like he did not exist for me and I did not exist for him. I am not even sure he knows about this connection we have. I know he is my twinflame. Don’t ask me how and what and why. Because I have no rational answers. I love him like crazy and cannot stop thinking about him and having him on my FB is making it super hard for me to function in my normal life. He is miles away and a total stranger and I cannot stop thinking about him. What is going on? Can you help? I have seen visions of us together and when I stare into his pics, I know that he is my twinflame and I have remembered everything. But he has not. He seems happy in his life and relationship, so I have decided to not bother him with my energy field. I have started spiritual chord cutting from him and soon hope to get enough courage to delete him permanently from my Facebook. Not because I do not love him. He is the only human with my core soul frequency and I cannot help but love him totally and unconditionally. I will do so because I love him and in my love, I will let him continue his life’s journey till we meet again. I do not think we will meet in this life. We live on two different continents and we’re both married. Forget all that, we never even spoke. Then why do I feel so strongly about him? Because my heart knows the sound of his heart. Because my hand knows the feels of his skin without ever touching him and my lips know the touch of his lips, without ever kissing. I know I love him and always will. But it has become too painful to have him on my list. Should I delete him and block him? He has his life and I have mine. I know we will never meet, so why prolong this agony. Why not just release all these feelings and release him in the process? IMPOSSIBLE! But…I have intended to do just that…very soon…
What do you make of this letter? Is this woman delusional in her love for this stranger about whom she knows nothing? They have never even exchanged a hello on Facebook after being in each other’s lists for over three years. The stark pain and honesty in this letter moved me beyond words. I wonder…is it possible to fall in love with a stranger and then still remain in love with him after all these years. And here she is not even sure, he is aware of her presence? I mean he is surely is. She is a very beautiful woman, but you know what I mean. He has never tried to initiate contact on FB, after all these years.
I actually suggested that this woman let him be on her list because what difference does it make. She has thousands of friends on her list, so why can’t she just treat him as another name on her list. But upon seeing how difficult it had become for her to know he is on chat but never pings her or speaks with her, I suggested that yes, she delete him. Now, I did tell her that maybe he is shy to comment or like her posts, who knows? But she refused to agree to that. She feels that if he wanted to contact her, he could. Anyway, to cut a long story short…she deletes him…
And now what…let us see…will she forget this crazy connection she has with this stranger? Her love for him is getting stronger and that makes me wonder…what’s this? It is heartbreaking to see…
What do you think can be done?
Now back to my research. Twinflames do not give us the sense of security like a soulmate does. Soulmates are the likely comrades of 3D. Twinflames are like one person in two people. That does not make them identical. In fact, their differences can appear stark, but their core energy signature remains the same. Every time I come across, a probably twinflame relationship, I can tell you if this is for real. How? Because as someone meets their twin, their energetic vibe shifts. You cannot avoid this and for someone who studies psychic energy, I can feel this happening.
Another notable thing about the woman who writes the letter is that she feels unconditional love for this stranger. And isn’t that crazy? She is not some delusional nutjob. In fact, she is a high achiever and is doing extremely well for herself. She is an excellent mother and a great wife. What I mean is that she is no psych-ward inmate, she is just like you and me, yet, she met her twin almost a decade ago and never forgot about him. She loved him with utmost fervor and unconditional love. Even before the days of social media. She never even saw or heard about him online till 2015. This story has really touched me, which is why I decided to share her letter.
Yes, she has deleted him, but she will always love him. I am quite sure of it. No man will ever take his place, because no man caan. And she has not even spoken to him, even once!
Have you ever felt such a strong connection to someone? A pull you cannot explain, and if you answer yes, then maybe, just maybe, that person is your twinflame. Obviously, very few people will continue to love a stranger with such passion after all these years, but even if this feeling goes on for a few months, it is well worth investigating. Especially if you feel a telepathic connection to someone. This can manifest in many ways. When I work with twins, I usually ask them to send signals and work on their telepathy. Some twins even document this telepathic exchange they share and the results are stupendous. There can be color synchronicity. Name synchronicity and numbers. You have to have eyes to look and ears to hear.
You see with the Ascension energies at play right now, there will be many twins who will finally meet in the same space/time continuum. This is for the awakening of the masses. This is for the lightwork they have to do.
This woman’s story highlighted another aspect much discussed in the twinflame community. It is seen that when twins meet, they least expect it and often times it is burdensome to be free to hook up. Most twins meet when they are already in relationships. I know how crazy this sounds, but don’t take my word for it. Look it up and see what the twinflame gurus have to say. Much of their research points to this. Twins never meet when they are in a happy place or if they are content. It is only a spiritual itch that keeps nagging at them, driving them nuts and then finally, boom, they meet.
I called her up today asking her if she had missed having him on her friend’s list, to which she could not stop howling. She was as miserable with him on it than without him there and now she has even blocked him. She did confess that although she had deleted him, she could still not stop thinking about him. And she felt his physical distance disappear when she thought of him. In fact, she could bring him alive in her thoughts. She even touched him, kissed him and made love to him in her mind. For all these years…all this took place in her mind. Were these moments then real? The fact that they took shape in her mind. Can thought be energy? Yes, now we know that by observing an atom we can change its course, so then with intention we can create universes.
Maybe this man is her partner in a parallel universe and she is feeding into that information loop. I often feel that some psychic apparitions I have, are glitches in the system. They are entities from parallel worlds, living their lives, oblivious to their existence as shadow people in our universe. Yes, they terrify us, but what if we terrify them equally so? Who knows what they think of us? Could such emotional attachment be some malfunction in the matrix algorithm? What is this strange magnetic pull she felt for this man? I wish I could interview him to discover if he felt anything at all. But she refuses to allow me to contact him. So I am helpless. I have to let it go.
Maybe they will never meet. Maybe they will meet someday when they bump into each other randomly somewhere. Maybe he loves her as much as she loves him. This broke my heart. What a waste of true twinflame love if this is the case. I do find myself wondering if he is missing her on his friend’s list. Maybe, he will look her up on some other social media, since he is blocked on FB. Maybe they will connect.
I can only speculate…the rest will gradually unfold itself as the days rolls by…will he ever seek her out? Will she ever unblock him and re add him? What will happen?
I will keep you posted…
READ PART 2 HERE
I am light, My mind, body and spirit are LIGHT.
I inhale love/GRATITUDE, I exhale fear/GUILT.
I share love, I receive love, I am love.
LOVE IS ALL THERE IS….
Many of you are familiar with my work in the Spirit World and during Pisces Season, I can see the necessity of offering my services for more people who want to contact this realm.
Are you looking to communicate with your loved one?
I have been doing some very interesting MEDIUMSHIP work and I can see an increased activity in the ether when it comes to information that is coming to us from parallel worlds.
Pisces is after all about this PARALLEL WORLD and now we have so much going on in this 12th sign of dissolution that spirits and entities are leaking out of the woodwork and bleeding into our lives.
Sometimes they are quantum information that has entered our field through another Universe. Stuff like this does happen.
Time also does not move in a linear manner. Scientists are now saying that the FUTURE MOVES BACKWARDS TO CREATE THIS LINEAR EXPERIENCE OF TIME FOR US. Yes the future decides the past!
Book your session. I do use the TAROT, RUNES and MEDITATION to contact the dead. Sometimes I do AUTOWRITING and in some cases I do MEDIUMSHIP and invite your loved one in.
1) CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONE: $130.00 for the first session. 30-60 minutes.
2) CONTACT SPIRIT GUIDES: $120.00 for 45 minutes.
3) CONTACT YOUR ANGEL GUIDES $125.00 for 45 minutes.
4) WORK WITH THE FAERIE REALM. $220.00 for 45 minutes.
5) DEITY/YIDAM MEDITATION for $170.00 for 30 minutes.
BOOK your TAROT SESSION for $100 for a limited period.
BASICS OF YOUR CHART/TAROT session is now for $150
Thank you and do spread the love…
“From the idea that the self is not given to us, I think there is only one practical consequence: we have to create ourselves as a work of art.” ~~MICHEL FOUCAULT
Mercury conjunct Jupiter, in Scorpio- look what it has made us do? Share pain and grief collectively. PURGE!!! Look at the death and rape culture around you. It is a cult of war and violence, a civilisation brought up on deception, dishonesty, violence, misogyny and apathy. Look at the almost Pavlovian mind control the ruling elites have rooted in our society. Look how conditioned we have become. So desensitised. Our behaviours so self-destructive. Where is all this leading?
The NM in Libra was…mmm…well, not like your conventional Libra energy. It felt dark, deep and a lingering anxiety remains. After the Mercury conjunct the Moon in Scorpio, the next day, I began to finally get a grip over the energy.
The #metoo campaign with its sordid narratives rocked my world. Scenes and shots came back from my past. Fragmented, disjointed memories of pain, hurt and suffocation.
Those hands on me, those disgusting crawling hands all over my body…the memories drove me nuts. Sounds and smells came rushing in while I read stories of rape and abuse from women all over the world. It reminded me of all the times that men have violated my boundaries and it is a large number. Be it in asking me to smile or calling me bossy or calling me a slut because I will not sleep with them, men have used and abused their positions numerous times. But we women are always expected to take everything with a pinch of salt.
I come from a country where there is a particular brand of cinema called Bollywood that has a specialised synchronised dance track which is called ITEM NUMBER, as a beautiful woman in scanty clothes, her dance troop of a bevy of girls(half naked too) behind her perform a sensual dance moving seductively to a male audience that is hooting and cat calling. She is the item. So we sorta know how to take misogyny to levels most people cannot even envisage.
You know, I have been called so many names including Manhater, Feminazi, Female Supremacist, witch, bitch, whore, slut…blah, blah…but nothing matters. I work from my heart and I do not hate. Yes I speak up against injustice, yes, I seek a revolution or an evolution…but not with hatred. Men I do not hate you. Men…I love you!
But maybe it is time to DECONSTRUCT YOUR METACOGNITION/COGNITION and POST COGNITIVE PROCESSES. Maybe it is time to think about how you think. This might actually make you a more effective thinker. But at the same time, it is also time to FEEL. Think about how you feel and why you feel so. Do you even allow yourself the luxury of feeling? Because I know how society ridicules you every-time you show emotions. Be a man and what not. But feeling my love are not a luxury, let me tell you, they are a necessity for healthy functionality in life.
I know some of you hate me. Think long and hard. Why do you hate me? Why? Because I speak the truth? Because I can see the toxic patterns of patriarchy? Because I think and feel and actually speak up, unlike so many of my sisters? It hurts the most when women misunderstand. Because it is high time we women stop enabling patriarchy.
And men…what when tomorrow you have a girl? What then? Sleep peacefully, you have WILD CRUSADERS out there and the tide will turn. Let us be that change.
You cannot label me. Every single time you start to think that you have me all figured out, I promise to surprise you. You know why you cannot label me? Because humans cannot be labelled. No matter how appropriate the label might be, the labelling by itself is redundant. I will dress the way I want to, because I do not dress for your gaze. Yes, I want you to look at me and appreciate me, but my reality does not revolve around how much you fancy me. I want you to want me, but with respect and dignity. I want you to see me for what I am…a multidimensional being of light who is having a human experience. She is a woman who is free, wild and adventurous and I like looking at life through her lens.
But I am not her…this is not some WOKE BS. This is in fact the very truth of the fabric of this reality. I am not ME, not this body, not this pussy and not this orgasm. Hahahaha! I am in constant flux, forever shifting and I already exist in the many versions in the many multiverses. But I am also here, typing this so you can read.
Absolutely overwhelming? Do not let fear engulf you. You are an astronaut of the mind, aren’t you? Or else why are you reading this?
Just because a woman wears make up and skimpy clothes does not make her a slut. Her mini skirt is not an invite for your lust. My red lipstick does not mean I am saying yes to you. Understand that. And that is what I am here to show you. Women cannot be put away in tiny little labels. So stop calling me a whore, slut, manhater or whatever the fuck your toxic mind can think of. Jupiter has deployed his archetypal lens and activated my third house of communication which happens to be Scorpio. So the intensity and the truths will come out. Look how the brave women are speaking up and toppling the status quo.
Today, the Scorpionic Moon trines Neptune and the dreamscape opens up for me and oh, I am bleeding since the NM in Libra. You know how my psychic energy swells every time I menstruate and it is usually during this time I have my most profound visions and epiphanies or aha moments. Menstrual blood is very potent for magick and can be used in multiple ways. In fact sex during this time can most certainly be magickal, for both involved. It takes on a primal oeuvre.
Back to the splintered visions. There are fragmented, chaotic dreams…dreams of the snowy Himalayas, dreams of cymbals clashing, dreams of the pale red dot of a Sun…I can smell the incense, I can hear the chanting, I can feel the vibe, it is electric with spiritual energy.
Scorpio season is all about digging up the metaphorical/metaphysical dirt and really getting down and dirty to investigate, so I will share with you an experience I had a few months ago. Let me know what you think of them.
So this monk from Tibet, Lhasa writes to me. He tells me that he has known me for many lives and in the last incarnation we worked and studies together in Tibet, in Gyanganj.
In fact, I had told him in that reality to come and find me in the 3D world through some Youtube videos I have made in 2011 or so. He told me that I have asked him to remind me of the mark in my chest. Look I have no mark on my chest, but I wanted to get a wolf tattoo done there. But for now, there is nothing.
He told me to meditate on this and get back to him. I regret not taking this whole thing seriously and in fact I did try to sit in meditation, but my baby was all over me and the cats had to be fed, so I could not really tap into any vision.
I did not respect the monk or even pay attention. I called him brother and he told me that monks are no one’s brothers. They are just monks and that I am a Nun from the snowy slopes of Tibet.
I am aware of my connection to Tibet and the signs and synchronicity that I am experiencing have increased significantly over the last few years. I know Tibet has been my home during numerous incarnations and I have meditated and studied there. The Himalayas are my home and I know this.
And then there are memories of the kalachakra initiation. Let me tell you one thing, my greatest desire in life right now is receiving the Kalachakra transmissions from the Dalai Lama. This particular Dalai Lama has been my teacher in many incarnations and it is time we meet.
There is so much spiritual telepathy between us that I am actually shocked that we have not met yet. I dream of the Dalai Lama with a strange persistence. I have never dreamt of one person so much. He is always there, in my dreams. Everything becomes silent when he smiles at me and calls me to his arms. Everything becomes silent and just the way it is meant to be.
I hope to travel across seven seas soon and go to one place which has been calling me for very many years. I can feel myself there too and I think a wild adventure awaits me. Actually this Libra NM journaling was much about that. It felt good to finally decide that I want to go there. Now let’s see if the Universe responds.
BELOW IS A PART OF MY NOVEL CALLED THE MANSFIELD STORY.
IT IS ALSO DEVELOPED AS A SCREENPLAY.
HELP ME PUBLISH~ BECOME MY PATRON
I am not going to pretend that I’m this master story teller, in fact I’m seriously beginning to question my choice of vocation as writer/ filmmaker. No HD has my film on it and the analogue era was before my time. I have made all these films, in my head. From script to post prod, I’ve created these monstrosities and they exist. Don’t know where, don’t know how, but they do. Mistakes are portals of discovery, right Joyce. Works every time, doesn’t it. But then you were seeking to be immortal, hence the elaborate subterfuge, but for me. I am the nothingness, the mistake. These films that I’ve made in my mind, over and over, lead me nowhere in the real world, for they don’t exist. Neither does she, but there she is, invading my senses, my ideas, my dreams.
I think of these bizarre stories and it’s not even that I write them, they write themselves. I’m just their victim. They laugh at me, they torment me, they wake me up at four in the morning in jest, they drive me insane tossing and turning in bed at night. They are my oppressors. Not always. There is a friendly angle to our relationship. It does exist.
To the world, I’m this depressed writer who types away for hours on end on her laptop, writing God knows what. I’m in the fraternity of paid-poorly writers who are paid next to nothing to develop content. That’s my day job, at night I’m batwoman! You wish right?
I write screenplays and then make my films over and over again. And then there are these surfeits I have to deal with, like my friends from these stories, they begin to cohabit with me. These characters, they decide to pop right out of the Final Draft document and strut their stuff in front of me. There’s a reason why I’m constipated. How do you drop the excrement off your body when someone is reciting to you, a fluke line out of Keats, or no Shelley, I think. The Romantics definitely. Or you have this beer bar dancer doing make up! She keeps wanting to know if she’s looking saxy, not sexy, but saxy.
How the fuck is someone to shit in peace? Then there’s this boxer, he’s got tuberculosis and I write about it. Bam! I develop this terrible cough and an unbearable pain in the chest. The next day, I go to clear my throat and the phlegm sitting in the basin has blood. What does the boxer do? He laughs at me.
Then there are these pregnant women. I don’t think I’ll get into that right now, but yes you guessed it right. My periods stopped coming. Who could be the father? There were three possible candidates, but no one I could discuss this with. Not like they were my live-in boyfriends. They were nothing, not even friends. I stared at the pregnancy stick, yes, two lines. It didn’t matter how many times I re-took that test, it was the same. Now I’m no fool, I use protection. So did it not work? Did the bloody condom burst? Am I… I don’t think I could bring myself to voice that word. PREGNANT!!! I was and I did what I had to.
Not only am I plagued by these people, but strangely the things I write come to pass. No don’t think of it as some kind of gift, it’s a fucking curse actually. It might have been a gift if all I wrote about was unicorns and fairies, but here I sit in silence and type away. What do I see? The desperate situation we’re in, yes us humans. I see the pain, no I think it’s more like I am in pain. I suffer day and night, sometimes with reason, sometimes without. I’m just a sucker for pain and my heart is perpetually broken. These films that I make are extensions of my tragic self and the most persistent theme of them is suicide.
You can say that I have a morbid fascination for suicide. My mother committed suicide when I was four or five, her mother too killed herself and so did her father, so yes it kind of runs in the family. I’ve been subjected to hours and hours of counselling so I don’t jump off a high-rise or hang myself with a dupatta. Morons! As if those sessions helped.
You see to me suicide is an art-form. You’ve got to be an artist to kill yourself with grace. You’ve got to see the beauty in death and embrace it. You’ve got to worship the power you have, the power to decide when it’s over. There is no fucking God, there is just you and the choice is yours.
My mother named me Shambhavi, I have an abbreviated form that I’ve chosen- SHAM! Yes I’m a sham! I’m not artist, if I was then I’d have already created the master piece- my death! The suicide, but I am not an artist, just a writer.
There are these three projects that I’m working on- developing for filmmakers who are too lazy to write their own shit and need to hire morons like me. The boxer does tend to get on my nerves, otherwise I am actually pretty involved with the rest. They tell me what to write and I do. It seems to be working. Of course there are times when these directors feel the need to impose upon my feeble intellectuality and ask me to make corrections. Temper tantrums will be thrown, but somehow we manage. We don’t exist without each other. We need each other.
Then there are these turbulent characters that take birth from my mind. They wreak havoc on my life, depressed, suicidal, maniacal, it’s difficult to deal with them. There is no sense of closure, no sense of comfort with them, only angst is the best way I could describe the feeling.
I have also tried setting MSS on fire, but once they’ve been conceived of in my head, there is no annihilating them. They are a part of my life, actually these creatures are my life whether I like it or not. The only way I can get rid of them is to finally begin work on the masterpiece.
It was so strange, when I met her that night. She stood in front and for the life in me, I couldn’t fathom her identity. There was something so familiar about her. P.S- I don’t subscribe to God or reincarnation. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive as I did when I saw her.
Don’t ask me how I landed up there, but I’ve had such strange and absurd situations happening to me recently that I just let go and watched her. She was tiny and her hairdo reminded me some old flick on Joan of Arc. Dressed in all black, there was this pendant around her neck, a spiral in jade and it looked like a fern would spring right out of it. Waist-upwards she had this sphinx like quality, her short crop was unkempt, her bangs fell on her forehead. She blinked her eyes through thick glasses as she looked at me. It had to be me, right. There was nobody else there, just a cat.
She lumbered across the vast living room. I could see her legs did not carry her well and she was stooping. There was a fire in her eyes which I could see even through those thick glasses. She sat right in front with a cuppa tea. I was not offered any. We sat like that for I don’t know how long. I was looking to say something. “Hello, I’m Sham,” “Hello, I’m a sham.” But I said nothing.
There was something that caught my eyes- an old calendar that screamed 1922.
Okay officially I have lost it, I know it to be 2017, not 1922. That made me look around. The deco was very vintage English, complete with Victorian furniture and then there were books. Quite a collection! I could happily bury myself in there for the rest of time and not bother about those people who live in my head or even the person in front with her sparkly eyes. She was not old, maybe thirty, but she looked much older. Her body was bent out of shape and her face showed signs of physical pain. I could tell she was sick and ailing. I looked on.
That belligerent and witty tongue could lash out at me, but it remained mute. It could raise a tempest but the waters remained still.
“You know I want to be like those ballerina’s of Dega, frozen in their graceful posture…” Those were the first words that came out of her mouth.
A reply, it came quite effortlessly. Then I bit my tongue. Crap! I sound like an idiot, I thought. “But those ballerinas are frozen, there is no life in them. They’re dead, like dolls…”
She threw her head back and laughed. That sound awakened a primal part of me and the ballerinas of Dega were right in front of me, suspended in space. There was this one figure of a ballerina and right next to her was this strange woman whose face you could not see, hidden by a hat in black attire and they both seemed to be waiting. It felt like us, that moment that time. I felt like the ballerina, massaging her foot in eager anticipation to perform and she was like the chaperon, waiting for that moment when I would set the stage on fire, pushing my body for fleeting moments of grace that would captivate one and all. I do that every day. I push my mind so I could come up with that work of art that would have entire generations enthralled, now you see what a SHAM I AM.
She wanted to be like those ballerinas. Why? Did she not feel their pain, their exhaustion? Did she want to be frozen in time?
“I never leave the house anymore and don’t like having servants,” She told me.
“T.B is painful and in 1920 it is incurable and you also have gonorrhoea, you must be in severe pain, most of the time.” I replied.
“You speak as if you come from some other world.” You can tell the gutsy woman she is.
“I come from the future…” I burst out laughing as I said it. “It sounded like some corny Sci-fi that no one would go to watch.
“You mean the motion picture…” She sounded interested, but then who is not interested in film.
“It’s very interesting that you would bring up the motion picture, because I have this story that I’m working on and the protagonist makes motion pictures, but from a feminine perspective, you know…”
I knew. “You want to explore the feminine angle? You seem content telling us stories through the male POV, Point of view…” I had to explain as she had no idea. Feminism, not one of her strong points.
But then what do you expect from her in 1910? Seems a bit bizarre, absurd if you ask me. I reach out in my pocket to stroke my I phone 6. The screen is cracked, just like my life.
You do not abandon your husband in 1920, you’re a woman and your place is right by his side. There are no other options, do not seek them. She seemed to know about real people, not some theoretical characters, but people of flesh and blood. That captivated me for years. How does a woman of her class and upbringing understand the human condition that well?
How does a marriage last only a day? There are no answers to such theoretical questions? Are writers really so crazy to get married to see what it feels like? Is this research? What is a marriage anyway? There was so much to talk about, but we sat silent.
The tuberculosis has drained all my energy, the pelvic pain is getting worse, but my dream portrayal must continue, if anything today there is a seeing that I have felt. It’s not writing, it’s seeing. There are moments when I see all black before my eyes, need to sit down and gather myself, but the imaginative process never stops, it’s akin to breathing.
Much of my work remains unpublished and there are days when I lovingly gaze at them as a sign of acknowledgement and appreciation. Writing or rather seeing is a need and it must be done. In fact this sabbatical from my amorous lifestyle has given me time to write and I am thankful for it for all my stories come from the depths of my being.
Bliss and other Stories has just been published this year and it seems to be doing rather well. But there is suddenly a story inside me. I don’t even know what it is, suddenly I see Maata’s face and her breasts like a motion picture, a silent film and once again I’m back in the Hippodrome and I see the audience. Predictable! Their hands, their heads, their expressions.
I dreamt a story last night, every little detail etched in my mind, down to the smells and sounds and I was a part of it.
I see her eyes. A dark melancholia! An intense hankering for experience in the world of echoes and shadows. Who is she? She could be my alter ego. Her olive skin glows like logs burning at the fireplace, her long, dark hair is threaded like the negroes. Her mind is where she lives, the outside world has no fixity for her. I remember gazing at the audience, why not, I was a part of them. In this story I’m a part of both- I am her and I am the audience.
This story about her, this absurd protagonist who writes these films. Could it be that she makes them? Lumbering away with that heavy contraption of a camera? Who knows in the future there just maybe such women? I’d have loved to discover that platform.
Story-tellers tell stories, it doesn’t matter what the medium is. I have been told my writing is descriptive, just like the way they do it in the studios in America. I could have gone there, but travel for me is not a possibility. It’s why I cannot even go home- New Zealand!! Oh my pain and pleasure.
I’ve been criticized, compared to Chekov, snubbed for my hankering to be free, my will, my feisty nature, but people forget I’m just human. Where is the time? I’ve lost so much, I’ve gained so much. I have cried, I have laughed, I have lived and now I will die.
But this story, it wants to be written. Murray will surely publish most of my work even though I’ve told him not to. It sells, my writing and so shall its fate be, it’ll be sold! I need to sit down on days when the pain is bearable and write. I want to give my readers hope, yes everything is twisted, but there is hope. I was tired of reading every single thing out there from the perspective of a man, I mean how long is society going to ignore us? The fact that the women in my stories have decided to speak up shows me there is hope for us. Our voices need to be heard.
The Fourth way may just be my way, reading Gurdjeiff is a complicated process, yes it has opened up new portals to my experiencing life, but then there is so much left to be discovered and do I have time? Regret, don’t we all have a pinch of that with every sip of life we take. I for one, am swamped with regret. I regret my childhood, I regret the taunts and mocking because of my rather hilarious glasses, I regret not writing more often, I regret not supporting the women’s suffragette in the U.K, I regret not being vocal about it, I regret not telling Maata how much I loved her, I regret my obsession with Chekov. No I take that back, no regrets there. I regret my brother dying like that. I can still see him in uniform, bloody and dusty.
Although I have been quoted as saying that I do not regret anything. I have asked my readers to never regret, but that is only the half truth. Yes regret is an appalling waste of energy and nothing can be built on it, but it exists. I wish I could just erase it away. REGRET ERASED!
The Work must be done, it’s 1922 and here I am in colonial India, Calcutta to be precise, all alone. A sick white woman in the midst of all these natives.
Then I saw her, she was vibrant, her olive skin was smooth as it tasted the Sunlight which played on it and created so many hues that I just watched. I don’t know how she arrived right in front of me, definitely not dressed like the ordinary native girls or like an English lady. She had on trousers like men, I think they’re called denims. The road workers in America wear them as overhauls. I never expected a woman to dress in them and then her long, dark negro like hair. I thought she was a figment of my imagination, the medicines playing a trick on me. After all I was a sick woman. I waited for the apparition to disappear. But she sat there and just stared back. I think we briefly spoke, about Dega’s ballerina’s, but it made no sense.
Theosophy and Gurdjeiff! You know the three types of men or women found in this world- those that are centred in their physical bodies, then the ones centred in their emotional space and those that focus on their minds. What type am I? I have never been able to quantify myself in any one category, I’m indeed a mixture of all three. I have lived centred in the physical, more than not I have existed only in my emotions and then of course my mind is one of my favourite places to visit and spend some time. So yes, I’m a bit of all. All writers are as we have all these stories inside us where we become those people when we write them.
I remember alluding to this story of this woman who makes motion pictures, these dreamy silent films. I think she is my protagonist.
Right now, all I can think of is Van Gogh’s painting- the self portrait. I consider myself a writer/painter. I paint too like Van Gogh, I paint with words.
I just wish I had more time. I want to be healthy again, to experience a full, living-breathing life. I want to be with the Earth and see all the wondrous things- the sea and its infinite waves, the mellow Sunrise of a perfect morn.
I know I exist in this state of hypnotic waking sleep. I want to wake up and I’m willing to see if the Method will help. This story needs to be written. I need to find her again. That woman, no she’s more like a girl. I need to find her.
And then I see it, the Insect scuttles away and there are these strange voices that I can hear. Sounds like some Hindu chants. What is it?
Is my illness getting the better of me? I see myself, is it me or some other woman, no wait it’s her, dressed as Van Gogh, holding a gun to her face. She pulls the trigger!
I see a thick manuscript by the coffee table and note that’s its rather gloomy this afternoon, the wind shakes the trees so. Flashes trouble me- I think I see Lawrence. Murray tells me that THE LOST GIRL is modelled on me. I know, I know that my writing and me in person have had a significant influence on him, and he’s drawn parallels between me and some of his noteworthy characters, but why do I see him, in Colonial India?
My neighbour from Cornwall, my friend, the eminent D.H. LAWRENCE. I am his Albina and we both struggle everyday for our independence and outcasts we’ve become. We shared a number of things in common, I was a colonial outsider; he was from a working-class mining town. I am more like Lawrence than anybody. We are unthinkably alike, in fact. Four of us did form a peculiar brief and uneasy friendship in bleak Cornwall, yet, I treasure those days.
And now I find this letter from Murray. It does nothing for my mood right now, but leafing through it seems to be my only option. So I do it.
“You are all about me – I seem to breathe you, hear you, feel you in me and of me.” I actually wrote those lines for him and felt like I was home in his tent, sitting at his table. It seems far away, back here dreaming of silent films and Virginia Woolf.
There were times when I wanted to strangle my beloved Murray. I go back in my mind to one such incident. It left a sour taste in my mouth. I was cruel, we were verbally bashing one another, oblivious of who was present. I’d like to think it was tragedy that kept us together.
There’s nothing I want more than a cigarette. The curls of smoke rise up to meet their oblivion as I take a pull. It calms my frayed nerves and I take a sip of the tea. Darjeeling tea from the foothills of the Himalayas, a colonial addiction. Tea snobbery!
As I relax, she appears in front of me. Seated in a cluttered desk, she seemed to be looking at something. It looked like a boo, but a light emanated from it. She seemed to be typing like it was some sort of type writer. I couldn’t see properly, the smoke and mist clouded my vision.