For Mothers and Grandmothers and all our Ancestors~~How Astrology connected me back to you~~

Nothing in life ever made sense, everything was too arbitrary, too random, too chaotic. There was a larger pattern somewhere there, I knew it, I sensed it. But how could I find that design? I knew somethings were connected and sometimes events and scenarios repeated themselves. Why? I’d ask myself. What on Earth was the connection?

But the connection was not just on Earth you see! The connection is quantum, the connection is everything. Looking up at the sky, I knew that there were stories there. There was a pattern up there I realised, but did that pattern somehow relate to the one below.

Then I discovered astrology. I think I was sixteen and it changed the way I looked at life. The planets above spiralled through the highways in space and entered different signs. Sometimes they appeared to go retrograde. No they are not moving backwards, they just appear thus to us.

The situations and scenarios that led me here have to do with the veil lifting slowly. Yes the pattern exists. I was ecstatic. Kinda EUREKA moment there! AS ABOVE SO BELOW. The natal chart became a fascination for me- mine, my mom and dad’s, my baby brother’s. I became obsessed reading all kinds of astrology books.

II used to go to the National Library, which is the largest library in Asia to study up on the occult. Astrology was a favourite. Things started to fall into place and in fact this perusal of this ancient subject got me more and more interested in spirituality.

By then Blavatsky had happened to me. Bailey opened my mind to ESOTERIC ASTROLOGY and till today I have not stopped learning from them. HPB has made herself known to me through many meditations, channellings and writings which I will share with you as and when she asks me to.

Her first instructions came when I was asked to open this group on FB around nine years ago I think.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/hpblavatsky/

Again I divert. Back to how astrology not only made me connect to the COSMOS in an abstract way, it also directly connected me to my ANCESTORS. Developing my psychic gifts have opened up so many portals, so many narratives and meta-narratives, so many visions and illusions, so many worlds and Universes. Every human being is gifted with this psychic capability and BECOMING AWARE and BE-NESS(state of just being) are steps to come closer to these powers. They will manifest in everyone in due time.

My mom left today. She was with me for the past month and a half and today she is gone.  sit on my WC and howl my lungs out. The cry is primal, it is raw and it is NORMAL(especially under a Pisces Moon, ah, it is also the last Moon to conjunct Chiron, in Pisces as well). Crying and letting go of emotions is very healthy. Do not stop anyone from crying, let them CRY for fuck’s sake, there is too much Pisces going on here. ha! Their tears are cosmic healers. The tears will not only cool your breasts as they fall on your chest, they are the balm the Universe is sending you. Let them come, let the floodgates break. This primal feeling took me back to the Scorpio full moon we just went through. Boy! Was that heavy!!!

The Gemini season is lighter, less intense, but it is intense when the Moon in Pisces squares Saturn in Saggy.

But still I cry…I cry for all the time lost, the useless harsh words uttered by me in moments of rebellion(very strong Uranian energy), the intense events that I afflicted on her(Moon in the 7th can do that for you, especially if it happens to be your SEVENTH HOUSE).

I cried for my lost childhood and I cried for my daughter. Her granny is her whole world you see. I cried for all the lost hugs and kisses, all the sweet stories and tea-parties, all the lullabies and playing dressing up.

I cry for the LOSS OF INNOCENCE, I cry for IMPERMANENCE! Because as a mortal, nothing scares me more that these shifts. I know not that everything is a vibration, pure mathematics. I only know of emotions and raw feelings- of pain, loss, suffering(Pluto aspects in the natal chart do this) and of course of love and bliss. But every feeling, every sensation is TEMPORARY.

No matter how strongly I try to hold on to it, they just disappear, like evanescent bubbles, each bubble a Universe unto itself. So many Universes coming into being and then dissipating while new ones appear.

Dear Ma,

As you are well aware, I have been doing these special RELEASE and FORGIVE meditations since February. It is done to FORGIVE ones parents. We have to forgive our parents for every thing we may blame them for consciously or unconsciously. You know that as we have spoken in-depth about this.

You know how everyday I have created this sacred spot for you where you and baba have visited. I have surrendered all my anger and resentment maa, you know that. With each meditation, I have released you from any known or unknown karmic ties of suffering that I might have unleashed on you. In turn all I ask is your forgiveness. I know you have always, already forgiven me. The Dasein has anticipated your forgiveness ahead of time.

This meditation that I created to forgive you made me overcome so many psychological repressed issues that I finally let go. I wrote about it, I meditated on it and cut the toxic chords forever. I have grown maa, ready to take flight on my wings and be the butterfly you wanted me to be.

This overwhelming crushing sense of loss at you leaving has left me so vulnerable, that today I understand that the meditation has opened up this block and today I experience FORGIVENESS as I have never done before. The intensity was rapturous. A rush of endorphin, Release of serotonin. Oxytocin.

Maa today I cry as I know that our story must end one day and that breaks my heart. I know we have had a complicated herstory. I know ma. Lilith in Cancer can do that you know. See this placement of Lilith means that the mother will sooner or later, through her action, words or deeds hurt the person!

Yes maa I was hurt and I hurt you. I took your protective love to be oppressive when I should have looked at the scenarios with less selfishness and more compassion. Today I know what it means to be a mom as I cuddle my daughter in my arms, as I smell her hair, as I listen to her sing to me or when she kisses me. I know how mothers feel. I know how you felt.

Maa you have a sensitive artist’s soul and no one can hold a candle to your illumination. Your heart always so full of live and wonder! You are a gift! To me from the Universe. Maa you have been my first Guru, my first spiritual guide.

From teaching me Shiv Puja to Adyastotram, from taking me to yoga classes since I was ten, to making sure I meditate daily during my school and college life. Maa today I see how important you have been in my spiritual journey. You are irreplaceable in every way.

You know maa, as a child I had this inexplicable fear of losing you. It was my worst fear and you know what as I explore this spiritual vibe, I can tell you that although I know how interconnected life and death are, it still makes my heart skip a beat when I think that one day you might not be there.

As the North Node has entered Leo, everyday I am becoming more of me and today I forgive you for every bloody thing. And maa, today I am sending spirals of love vibration to all the women I have shared my mitochondrial DNA with. I love you all.

Thank you ~~tintin

Dear Gita,

I want you to know that you are a part of my soul tribe and you are truly a remarkable woman. You lost two children and still continued to spread your love and light to the world. Your contribution will never be forgotten while me and my daughter are alive.

Your stories will live on through the mouths of my descendants I promise you that for you may have ended just this life, not the IN-finite fractals of narratives and meta narratives we have created through incarnations.

I met you in one of my most intense regression sessions last week. You are a part of my 144! Gita, I release you from all stigma, shame and guilt that society may have thrust upon you. I also release you from every karmic pain and attachment I might have inflicted on you knowingly or unknowingly.

I ask for your forgiveness and readily forgive anything and everything for LOVE is all I feel. You see nothing matters except the huge samsaric seas of consciousness where we have forayed together since infinity.

Gita I love you and always will.

Thanking you deeply~~ tina

Dear Namita,

You left leaving me hollow from inside. Your stories, your songs, your spiritual side, left a profound impact on me. There is so much to say today and I wish you could see the work I am doing. I know you knew where I was headed.

Your fascination for books and literature amazes me today. What depth of knowledge you had about Bengali literature and culture. What insights and you never shied away from providing me with guidance.

The paternal grandfather is the 10th from the 10th = 7th house and the Moon sits in my seventh house. The Moon(SUBJECTIVE MIND) has to do with INTUITION and you have helped me immensely to develop that gift.

You have meditated with me as a child. You have shown me the details of havan and puja. Namita I know you have suffered, but each time you have opened your heart and let the light shine through the crack and you have taught me the same.

I have learnt to open my heart from you. I pay homage to you and your mother Namita and all the great women who created you and me in turn. I send you spirals of love energy.

Thank You~~tintin

I bow down to all the mothers and grandmothers of my lineage going back to 14 generations and beyond. I salute you and your femininity.

I bow down to all the mothers and grandmothers out there, through all of space and time.

I bow down to the original FEMALE who is all our ancestor.

I bow down to the MOTHER MATRIX or DEVI energy.

I bow down to you in reverence as I am a vibration of you, as you are of me. We are FRACTALS of that ONE CONSCIOUSNESS swimming through SPACE. We are the Universe watching itself.

Blessed by the Sun in Gemini, this is my offering….I don’t know why but I compelled to urge you to CONNECT with your MOTHERS and GRANDMOTHERS~~Please call them…please…astro

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Venus RX into Pisces: Finding Meaning or Philosophical Suicide?

“Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them,” Albert Camus

Oh my Camus! There was a time in my life when my trinity comprised of Kafka, Camus, Sartre! But isn’t this something we would expect Camus to say. Rejoice in the ABSURDISM of life. So Camus says myths don’t really exist! But we create them and breathe life into them. This is so very much the theme I am going to be discussing. Breathing your brand of meaning into something that may or may not be seemingly meaningful…you are not being caught in this binary though, merely entertained by it. Meaning or suicide- both irrelevant! Read on…

Humans…always caught up in the frenzy of trying to find meaning. Never JUST BEING! Just doing- very apt Nike! We can just do, but hardly just be.  And now more than fucking ever- we need to JUST BE!

April- a month where some very important astro players will go retrograde or will be in shadow periods. But I will be discussing Venus RX returning to have a drink with Pisces! Fuck no! Not again! Everything we have been trying to raise up from the ground and create structure will likely dissipate! WTF! We just spend all that time making that sand castle!

Hello! Sandcastles are temporary! They will crumble. The sands of time shall shift and this is our lesson my beloveds. This is our lesson. Are you going to breathe life into the myths we have created internally or externally? Are we going to birth this internal dialogue into manifestation? Camus says we should, no we must.

No matter what critics will say, they can never take away from Camus his HUGE HEART and Venus rules the heart chakra and if you notice when people operate from this place, the world often condemns them as ABSURD. Kind of like Venus retro in Pisces. ABSURD and dualistic. How we bear unhappiness because we know happiness is about to come and how life can be so bloody meaningful and entirely pointless the very next moment?

I think this feeling of abject hopelessness in the face of duality can only be overcome by the idea that we fucking stop trying to create meaning all the time. That is our first downfall. Why are we so hellbent on trying to perceive meaning? Let it lie says Venus RX in Pisces as she ingresses back to Pisces where she had just been a few moths ago and she will be there till 29th April!

Camus says the alternate to finding meaning is committing suicide! Philosophical suicide! What else is there to live for? You might be dead anyways if you don’t philosophise! There is no meaning in life or in death- as Camus would have us know, but there is only ENTERTAINING death and life and never becoming slave to one or the other! What a profound thought! Echoing esoteric philosophy! JUST BE! Entertain as in stay in play- lila. Play with the Universe!!! But always maintain a sense of detachment. So Buddha-like!

Why am I harping about Camus? Past lovers are going to create havoc with our senses…Venus RX…HELLO? Yes Camus mystified me with that iconic image of his. That cigar in his mouth. So sexy and French(Algerian??!!) Enough with that, I will probably curl up with The Rebel as I sip my chamomile in bed. Motivation for rebellion and revolution! Been my motto, so to speak. What does Beelzebub stand for? Fucking REBELLION!

Venus is in charge of your GUT as well. They are now saying that the gut is your second brain and is obviously connected to your heart as well. Remember to keep taking those probiotics. Healthy gut bacteria can make a human function optimally. Make sure you don’t have Leaky Gut Syndrome or its onset. In fact, leaky gut has been linked to celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis, Crohn’s disease, colitis, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis (MS), autism, cancer… and the list goes on. The connection between leaky gut and chronic illness makes sense because a) approximately 70% of your immune system cells are found in your gut, and b) the chronic inflammation caused by leaky gut is what can lead to inflammatory disease.

“All Disease Begins In The Gut” -Hippocrates

Stay away from GMO Soy, corn, refined vegetable oils(which we use in abundance in India), white refined sugar and processed food. Avoid dairy. Look at going Vegan even if for a week to see how you feel. Eat cabbage, lentils, green beans and quinoa. Soaked and sprouted nuts such as almonds and walnuts are also good sources of L-glutamine which is the remedy for this disease. Yoga can be a lifesaver as it gives the internal organs a massage. Consult a doctor for supplements and practise UTTANASANA or the STANDING FORWARD BEND pose. Use Amber, Citrine or Blue Lace Agate to heal your abdominal issues. You can email me for details on this.

Venus is dissolving all sorts of concepts of love we held, images of ex lovers we still carry in our hearts, she is screaming for us to let go once and for all…all those hidden wounds of the heart. Invoke Venus to heal you with forgiveness issues. Forgive ex lovers, and family members, especially if you’ve had any financial problems with them.

However, there is a softness to this energy that I have been feeling. It has made me so emotional. There is so much happening in my life and so much not happening that I want should happen. This happening and not happening was driving me to a frenzy.

I had to calm down and take the evening off, even though I had bookings. Overwhelming and deep are these emotions that are arising in my heart. Just recently one of my exes got in touch with me. I had broken it off with him when I was sixteen. So that was ages ago and there was nothing to it. But this time when he came back to my life, I realised how DISCONNECTED we are. How very different are our FREQUENCIES and paths and they have always been! Like wtf was I thinking? Venus send me a blessing and the whole plot sort of untraveled before my eyes. There was nothing to do, but just BLOCK!

That is what you need to do- BLOCK! If someone is a psychic vampire(lover, friend, financial partner) then just dump them and move on. I know it is not so easy if you are committed through contracts or other formalities, but remember this retrograde cycle of so many biggies going retro will make us PURGE what we need to.

There is a seductive energy to all this whirling Venusian RX energy. Today you can charm anyone if you set your mind to it. Yes even that cute guy at yoga class. Lol! I am not kidding guys…today you can finally ask your dream date out. The chances are high that he or she will say yes. But do it with style, with panache! Don’t suffocate her. Let her independent streak be honoured as Venus would have it that way. All I say is keep your mommy diamond ring still in the safe. No don’t even get her to try it out. Hold still till the planets shake off this sluggish, unsure energy.

If you’re single, then a little self pleasure hurt nobody! So figure out what works for you and make yourself happy. Alternately you can go out and try to find someone. You may be surprised.

If you’re not really lapping up the sexual vibes, then please use this energy to broadcast UNIVERSAL LOVE to the whole plane of existence and beyond. Meditate, plant trees, hug trees, have sex with them(ecosexuality)…do whatever makes you happy!

Some of you are feeling on nerves’ end, jittery, on edge! Yes this astro definitely can make you lapse into sadness. If you suffer from depression, it might act as a catalyst, so it is imperative you continue your soul work.

Keep mindful and definitely keep healthy during these times. In fact, a lot of you will not feel like eating much. Greens, nuts and seeds should work. Do pumpkin seeds. I am chomping some right now and they are delicious. Don’t hanker after illusive dreams regarding finance right now. Be careful and do not go for any major investments. Just ask Venus to feed your intuition, she does it so well.

All said and done, let me tell you that Venus in Pisces can be incredibly healing if you manage to FREE yourself…free yourself from redundant hateful ideas, free yourself from bigotry, free yourself from DIS-ease, free yourself from slavery of any kind…just ask VENUS to set you free. Fly high, like an eagle…soar on the wings of truth!

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion…Albert Camus

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Full Moon/ Cardinal Cross- 12th Jan,17

THE CARDINAL CROSS IN CANCER ON THE 12TH ILLUMINATED BY A FULL MOON

Esoteric philosophy explains that four is the symbol of the Universe in its potential state, or chaotic matter, and that it requires Spirit to permeate it actively, i.e., the primordial abstract triangle has to quit its one dimensional quality and spread across that matter, thus forming a manifested basis on the three dimensional space, in order that the Universe should manifest intelligibly. This is achieved by the cube unfolded. Hence the ansated cross as the symbol of man, generation and life. In Egypt ank signified soul, life and blood. It is the ensouled, living man, the Septenary…HPB

Why did I begin with the Cross symbology? Because there is a CARDINAL CROSS happening in the sky with a full moon in Cancer. Emotions, regret, a sense of nostalgia, a confession? There is a sense of guilt with this yoga in the skies. Cancer in the flip side does manage to channel oodles of guilt and shame. But there is a positive way in which you can use this confession energy. Journal or create something.

Meryl Streep says, TURN YOUR BROKEN HEART INTO ART…okay there is no better time than this full moon and cardinal crisis. We have broken hearts, all of us and we can make them art. They don’t have to be wasted, we can find atonement. Through creative expression and artistic passion, we can manage a slice of bliss.

Let’s look at all the celestials orbs who are sending us the major chunk of energy- SUN, MOON, JUPITER, URANUS, SATURN…They are the main players. This January Moon is also known as WOLF MOON by the Native Americans. They said that when the wolves howled outside, this moon arose out of the black sky. Full and magickal…vibrant and illuminating.

Remember that this moon is dipped in emotions and feelings…sometimes annoying, but Cancer energy can be very very volatile. Oh this falls in the constellation of GEMINI. Uhhh!! Yes watery Gemini and Cancer together. What a party!!! It can also bring about a kick in intuition. There are psychic messages out there. You can tap into them. There is a lot of turmoil in the air, so just be careful that nothing escalates.

There was a full moon in Cancer six months ago. Where were you during that time? If you managed to do soul work, abundance will come, in whatever area you might need it. This full moon yoga will also set the tonality for the next twelve months.

AMPLIFIED ENERGY! Crazy full moon vibes…and the cardinal cross!!! POLARITIES EXEMPLIFIED. CHAOS, THEOS, COSMOS!!!

Are we going to feel the oppression under such heightened energies? No I say. Calm down. There are very powerful karmic equations at work, it always is that way with a cardinal cross. You can shift your reality pretty quickly. This Grand Cross energy has been playing around for a while and will linger on for the next few months.

Uranus is speaking to all his buddies and trying to get them up for a revolution. I think they are buying into this new vibe. Let’s see what we can expect there. The eclipse season begins next month and I think a lot of these revolutionary energies will become super amplified and we may see restructuring and recreating in the world.

There are thoughts and ideas, pain and crushed dreams welling up inside and you want to let it out. My suggestion is wait and watch. Go with the flow. BE LIKE WATER. The Universe wants us to find authentic self expression. Just make it one of love.

There is no right and wrong…tragedy occurs when we all think we are right. We may be and right and wrong is actually all about perspectives. But still we must try to vibrate at higher frequencies…THE PATH TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS…Remember this and you will be A ok.

No need to force ideas, opinions on people. No need to insult them with memes on FB or other social media platforms. There is no need to stir up the cauldron of hatred and bigotry. Instead look the moon and ponder what this cardinal cross is trying to tell you. You must keep in mind the wellbeing of sentient creatures and thereby you can draw your own moral compass.

Morality is in good for all. Progress for all. Love and respect.

Saturn, the karma bringer is actually negotiating and calming the others down. Don’t dread Saturn or Shani! Sham Shanischaraya namaha is his mantra and youmay use it to invoke his energies. Anything black works well, so does tourmaline. Shani brings to us fated events(no escape), disease, perverse crap, oppression, calamity, psycho-somatic limitations, abuse, bad luck, pain and death. But there is NOTHING TO FEAR from this. Saturn is as necessary as Jupiter, the benefactor. So don’t oversimplify things like some do.

Think hard….HUMAN NATURE IS INFINITELY MORE COMPLEX. There are no enemies, for we create them. There are no evil people, again we label them. Sometimes so, because we cannot undertsand them! But that is no excuse to HATE and call others EVIL. NO WAY!

Sometimes life will appear ABSURD, RANDOM, BIZARRE.

“I want to leave, to go somewhere where I should be really in my place, where I would fit in… but my place is nowhere; I am unwanted.” says Jean Paul Sartre.

You might feel like this, but remember your soul tribe is somewhere. Find them. No matter how complicated your life is, you have to envisage a better future. For you and the future.

I know this is going to be hard. The intense astroyoga does not support us working like good little ants and getting things done. No you want to probably take a bat to your Boss’ office. Yet engage you must for it is all or nothing.

The Jungian scholar Frieda Fordham explains that “the danger of repressing the shadow is that in the unconscious it seems to acquire strength and grow in vigour, so that when the moment comes…when it must appear, it is more dangerous and more likely to overwhelm the rest of the personality, which otherwise could have acted as a wholesome check. This is particularly true, of those collective aspects of the shadow which are displayed when a mob riots and apparently harmless people behave in the most appallingly savage and destructive manner.”

Uncover that SHADOW SELF. Uncover motifs of the Unconscious. Do not rally for hatred. Do not rally for racism. Open the windows to metaphysical thoughts and make life about JOYOUS CELEBRATION.

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Grow food anywhere, grow food everywhere

I have been toying with an idea, for quite a while now. I see beggars on the streets, filthy, haggard, sometimes handicapped women, wearing a baby who is almost always sleeping heavily(I learnt they are drugged by the beggar Mafia), little kids who should be in school, but are begging and then with the money, huffing(sniffing glue) to kill hunger, old drunk men, inebriated to forget about the cold and the hunger in their stomachs and I feel so helpless.

They tell me the same thing, please hand out some money, we want food, please buy us some food.

I try my best, with whatever little resources I might have. But then I think of the sheer number of hungry people in the world, what can I do for them? What I do is not even a drop in the pond.

Then I think and think, after a point I discard rational thinking and revert back to dreaming. I dream of an utopian world, where there is no scarcity of food for anyone.

I dream of sidewalks where food grows, juicy vegetables, succulent fruits, delectable herbs.

I dream of tall apartments where hydroponic growth of food laden the air with a magical smell, the air smells clean, these plants provide oxygen and they sustain us.

Imagine if you could just walk up to your terrace, grab the veggies you want for your salad, pick the fruits you want for your juices and so could your neighbour.

Imagine if all over your city and village, food crops grew in abundance. There would be no hungry children, of course there would be no trade and that is bound to picc people off.

But for just a moment, think!

What would it take for you to grow food?

Now with aquaponics and hydroponics you can grow food anywhere, right in your tiny urban dwelling.

Grow a small herb tray on your kitchen wall, pluck out fresh herbs and see how amazing that feels.

If you have space, like a garden, do not grow lawns, what’s the point of that? Yes you can sit and enjoy there, but what of food, you can sustain yourself and maybe some others with it.

If I grew crops, I would give away the surplus once a week to poor, hungry people. Imagine if all of us could donate some food to the needy, hunger can be eradicated from this world! And hunger my friends is devastating!

A hungry stomach will not let your mind rest, you can never hope to achieve anything, and no one can. Food is one of the very basic things needed for our survival.

So what can we do? Yes, we can grow food at home, on our terraces, on the lawns, in small trays; we can teach our children the very basics of farming, so they know what to do when they grow up!

But I had another idea. What if we began to throw seeds anywhere and everywhere in the soil. Some of them would grow, right?

Imagine, if we went to a small patch of land, we threw some okra seeds, some pumpkin seeds and other kinds of seeds and we went our way. We may have never even water them.

Do you think all of them would die? I don’t think so, some of them would live. The ones that live may benefit some beings.

I want to start a movement- GROW FOOD ANYWHERE, GROW FOOD EVERYWHERE!!!

How many of you are there with me on this???

Let’s try to end world hunger, one step at a time. Yes poverty is a complex issue, but what if each earning individual could feed one hungry person??

Buy some seeds, throw them in the soil, and watch them grow. Do not give up, from all the seeds you have chucked, one may sprout!!!

That’s how we change the world!!!

GROW FOOD ANYWHERE, GROW FOOD EVERYWHERE!!

No body loves me

I know, I know how this sounds. Pathetic act to grab some two-bit attention. Another attention-seeking ploy! A devastating subterfuge!

No one loves me!!! There is this feeling of love and hate with all my supposed close people. No one understands me! I remember voicing this, thinking this throughout my life. It’d go away, after all puberty does play havoc with our hormones. What are we but a play of hormones? Serotonin- happiness!! Oxytocin- bonding!! Chemicals dictate how we feel and that is fucking disgusting if you ask me. Downright annoying!

This alienation I feel, this sense of separateness must be due to some bloody chemical dancing around in my brain, eating all the gray cells. There are times when I wish I was the only person on Earth except animals. The only human, like Will Smith in some post Apocalyptic landscape!

This is not some sort of misanthropy. Not some kind of psychopathic leanings whereby I hate humans and want their destruction. I don’t! In fact I love humans, but from far away. If you come close, I tend to close up.

I tend to overthink, I tend to detest you! But as soon as you go away, I think of you fondly. What neurosis! I don’t have this anxiety disorder thingy. Nope ma’am! I don’t.

I feel like all of this is one huge worthless game. A pointless simulation. I’m kind of convinced that this world is definitely a computer game and we’re being played. What kind of world is this? People kill animals, treat them so badly, the meat industry, the dairy industry and don’t even bat an eyelid. It’s all food. We have a huge sense of entitlement! Like being human has given us this right to use and abuse, conquer and destroy, rape and pillage whatever we deem fit for exploitation.

Today I read in the news that a man was killed and his family tortured because his neighbors thought they were eating beef. Disgusting does not cut it! Yes I’m totally against eating beef, but this act of killing and raping the man’s family because he was eating beef is what shocks the hell out of me. We can actually do it. Kill another man, just like that.

We have it in us, in our collective unconscious to kill, destroy, lie, cheat. It’s programmed in us. Can we reprogram ourselves? Look around you! What do you see? Refugees. Hunger. Capitalism. Exploitation. Domestic Violence. Gender Inequality.

We are hopeless. I used to have hope, for myself, for us all. But HOPE is a word I have deleted. For Hoping is like a child on Christmas waiting to see Santa Claus. No one wants to hear all this, no one wants to see facts and no one wants to like me. I have accepted that fact that from my parents to my friends, to my relatives who live as they’ve been told to, in set value systems, I am NOT NORMAL.

My mother ruined my childhood by insisting I become normal. But here I am and I never want my daughter to be NORMAL! Normal, in today’s times is what I abhor.

The write stuff indeed

For a while I have been planning to just begin. Begin what? Free association writing! Just penning down what flows intuitively, not letting the intellect dictate. Kind of a Joycean “stream of consciousness…”

A sultry afternoon, a hungry woman begging with a filthy child strapped to her breasts, snotty faced and drowsy, an old beggar lying on the side of the street, an Audi Q8 zips by as I cross the road, almost knocking me over.

Fragments of dreams, voices from a distant past( or future?) create the background score. I’m tired and it’s just 9 am in the morning. Sleep is my elusive lover, always tormenting me, always running away while I toss and turn in my bed.

There is a rumbling in my stomach. Is it for food? Or is it for ideas? Ideas are fast running out. They are being rendered redundant, they are escaping me. Deserting me? I’m useless or too useful?

Can the use of a person or a thing be measured in any particular, definitive manner? Is it easy to label someone as useful or not useful? Why do I think of such things? Why do I think and think and think? Feel so less? I have been desensitized. Heavily by the madness of civilization!

I am lost, yet I’ve found a part of me. I’m useless, but somewhere in the zone of feeling, has a certain shade of use begun to paint itself. What colours does it use? To paint this feeling of use!

No one truly needs anybody, but we need art, literature, cinema. In ways more than we can understand and realize, we’re slaves to our creation. We have not created that man on the bus, with whom we share a vacant stare. If he dropped dead, we wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. No we did not create him.

The only thing we have created is ourselves. Ego stems from this creation. In our mind’s eye, we’re this person- so and so, with so and so attributes, talents, sexiness, awesomeness…let’s sweep the negatives under the carpet for the time being.

We love ourselves! Can we feel love without abhorrence? Can we feel joy, without sadness? Can we truly enjoy union without the shadow of separation?

I don’t know what to think, what to feel, what to say! All I know is to survive. Breathe Oxygen and exhale Carbon-dioxide. Trees are more useful than us and here we go to chop them off, make paper, make furniture, make more shit we don’t need.

We’re chopping our own heads!