Twinflame Musings~~

These lovely words keep ringing in my ears, from King Solomon’s The Song of Songs: “My beloved spake, and said unto me, ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For, lo! the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come.’ ”

 

Fragments of lives lived swim through my consciousness as the eclipse season approaches. The North Node is firing up my individual sense of SELF and is connecting me super strongly to my Twinflame. The North Node and South Node are in Leo/Aquarius polarity. Strangely, my partner is Aquarius Sun and I am Leo Sun. If you are either, then this alignment will bring into focus your EXS, CURRENT PARTNER, POTENTIAL PARTNERS(TWINFLAMES), FOES, GROUPS, FRIENDS and TEAMS. The last time the NN was in Leo was back in 1999, one of the most pivotal moments of my life. For the first time, I claimed my Leonine self and broke off a horrible and abusive relationship with a narcissist. I began to author my life, left my city, moved alone to Bombay and began to live alone. And I feel that my twinflame portal is opening. It’s complicated

With each meditation on twinflames, I have had some really intense flashbacks and with Chiron, Neptune going retro my dreamtime is jampacked and I’m lovin’ it. I have felt, touched, sensed that person in ways that cannot be described by mere words. I have felt his energy so strongly that it took me awhile to return to this reality. This 3D timeline. And some other people have also felt this intensity while meditating with me on FB at 11.11. If you want to connect with your twin, then join us whenever you want at 11.11 pm IST. You can do it in your timezone too.

Space and Time does not exist and Carlyle echoes this truth that they are the “deepest of all illusory appearances.” Everything is an illusion, then what of love? What of the Twinflame concept? This Full Moon may be in practical and steadfast Capricorn, but there is so much SCORPIONIC energy in the air that it is  making me feel all sorts of raw and primal. My whole being is heightened and there is a deep sense of yearning- for union. Deep, sexual union of the mystical kind.

Plato’s allegory of the cave rings true to this concept. You know how 3D relationships are so painful and we think that that is love. But it is not. It is like those shadows that Plato’s cavemen saw and the Twinflame relationship is like the blinding light that hit them when they finally turned and looked at the light. Yes sure the twinflame revelation will be painful, but you will finally look towards the light. Is that not worth it?

You see your consciousness is not confined to this space/time continuum, but you are not accessing all the portals. With your present state of awareness, you see less than 1% of the elecromagnetic spectrum. There is so much happening right under your nose, but you are blissfully unaware. Only during meditation can you access those energies.

Sometimes being unaware aka ignorant is bliss. You settle into the life in front of you, isolate yourself from your authentic needs and desires and bury your nose in the pussy of consumerism and materialism. There is nothing beyond the five senses yes?

What is in front of you, you believe to be real. If you can touch someone, feel someone, kiss someone, then you know they are here, they are real. But what if you have felt someone with equal intensity, except not in the 3D physical world, but in the realms of 5D consciousness.

Reincarnating through aeons of space/time, you have lived as so many beings. You have been everything that there is to be and finally you have donned the role of a human. The Universe is one of infinite number of multiverses stacked on top of one another. There is no end, there is no beginning. It is cyclical.

The GODHEAD or the ULTIMATE TRANSCENDENTAL REALITY is impersonal and is the source code from which the matrix comes into being. Esoteric wisdom says that we are the breaths of the GODHEAD, we come into being with the EXHALATION and we return to deep sleep in the CREATOR with the INHALATION.

Duality seems to be the CRUX of this manifested Universe and that is reflected in the world through multiple rules and patterns that the Universe displays. This duality is the very fundamental basis for the Twinflame theory. When we separate from a homogeneous WHOLE into TWO, we experience the Universe.

Male/Female polarities make this reality visible. Your yearning for sexual union is nothing but a yearning to crawl back into the original state of innocence when there was no separation. What is sex? Male/female polarities coming together- the lingam and the yoni, each created for the other, unite in friction which brings forth the seed of life.

You know this yearning for sex and love finally becomes mysticism and spirituality if you know how to channel these energies to their highest vibrations. When you truly experience love(not fall in love), then you are infused with a DIVINE FERVOUR.

Have you noticed how new lovers do not need to eat, sleep or do anything as long as they are with each other. But this wears off for most of us and we are left with disappointments after the honey-moon phase. What happens? The whole structure of family is disintegrating. Love, dating, relationships are severely challenged. Ask a Twinflame coach, she will tell you.

What then is the necessity of a concept like twinflames? Isn’t that supposed to create more havoc with our lives. Everything has its good and bad, its positive and negative side. I already spoke of duality which is all pervasive. Hence nothing is irredeemably evil or good.

“Esoteric philosophy admits neither good nor evil per se, as existing independently in nature” ~~HPB

The Twinflame concept is interwoven in the fabric of our psyche. This all-consuming, intense and electrifying love, love which poets have written about, musicians have composed unbelievable melodies for…we all crave it. Yet, it eludes us, most of us. But some will pursue it till the last breath. Kinda dramatic right? Leo energy. Ha!

Most of us are willing to be ignorant that such love exists, for we do not want to get off our asses and do all the hard work. Ignorance is bliss. You do not meet your Twinflame in most incarnations. Nope! That is enough to deter most. But let me tell you, most relationships nowadays is addictive. But your connection to your twinflame is not addictive, it is all about CONNECTION. Such deep connection that it will reconnect you to the Earth, to all life and to the Cosmos at large. Yes that is the power of love.

Even though it might be for a person, if you are successful at holding onto that frequency for long, then you will be emancipated from this 3D space/time continuum. You are a conduit for much highers forces. Life in 3D is messy, but it is this mess that you have to straighten. It is your mess and it is my mess. It is a collective mess.

I am a persona non grata in certain circles due to my research and teachings on twinflames. People have blatantly tried to tell me that my search is futile. I am wasting my time. They have tried to hint that maybe I am not happy with my relationship.

There is only one thing I can say to those haters. I am a messenger of love and love will always be my subject of study. I will scrutinise and study all meanings, definitions, experiences that love has to offer. It is my KARMIC POTENTIALITY which has given me this IMPULSE to explore this theme and share it with the world and everyone in my life supports me a 100%. There!

I had been aware of this twinflame energy since I can remember. This intense yearning for this type of love has given me artistic and creative energy, it helped me integrate dance, magick and ecstatic orgasms in my artwork. And being psychic I have seen and felt things I cannot describe.

Let me share with you a vision I had recently. For a while I have been dreaming about lighthouses. I don’t know where this particular lighthouse stands, but I can tell you it is one of the most breathtaking locales your eyes can ever see. It’s like a painting. There is a storm raging and I am opposite the lighthouse, staring at the blinking light. There is a din and a boat seems to be swaying in the turbulence. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for the safe anchoring of that boat. I run down the steep slopes. Tumbling down the treacherous path, I cut myself and rip my clothes, blood gushing down my arms. Suddenly there is blood gushing out of my vagina. My heart beats with intensity as I touch that blood. Whoosh, whoosh! Suddenly there is a wave. Ginormous it is. A tsunami. Almost. My heart skips a beat as the wave comes crashing down and suddenly someone holds me tightly and I can sense his breathing. I close my eyes as his hands carress my skin and breasts. The panic has left me. The wave is about to hit us, and I am sure it is the end. I know it is him. The one I have been searching, but I have not seen his face or glimpsed into his eyes. How will I recognise him? Fuck that now, the huge wave will hit me any moment and I am so turned on. But it does not. I open my eyes and realise that someone I am in cave. The whole cave looks like a Garden of Eden. Yes I am naked and no my Adam is not there. The scene begins to disintegrate. I begin to howl which morphed into a cacophony, playing through multiple dimensions. No, I want to see him. Out of nowhere a tune begins to play. I remember that tune. It was all so real. No it is because it is happening somewhere. I do not know where. Somewhere.

Do you want to know more about your love story? Your twinflame journey?

Look at Leo which is the 5th house. What planets are there?

Where is your Sun? Where is Venus? If you are a man, look for your Venus Mars placements that will tell you what kind of a woman you desire. For example, Venus in Leo guys desire a glamour queen. Venus in Aquarius desires something unconventional. If you are a woman, check for both your Venus and Mars placements. Your Mars placement will tell you what kind of a guy you prefer and your Venus will tell you what type of a lover you are. Then check your Libra. What planets are there, what house is it? You may also look at Taurus and the second house to some degree. I have a HIGHLY ACTIVE LEO section, although my 5th house is Capricorn and there are no planets there. Leo is my 12th house, so love has this poignant overture of loss and pain. It has always been that way.

There is much to write and will take it up soon…

Are you interested to meet your TWINFLAME? Are you in one such relationship?

tina@tinaheals.com

http://www.tinaheals.com

 

 

 

 

Mars in Cancer~ Female-led relationships

If you look at FLR it looks like the safest relationship a woman can have. She makes the rules, she sets the boundaries, she has final say and he both loves her and supports her in her role. In any other relationship, women do not enjoy that kind of freedom or safety. This is a functional model for any woman who wants more control and less strife. There should be zero downside to female led relationships when entered into with open eyes and a whole heart between two people who love each other.” — A BBS entry from Asserting leadership

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=female-led%20relationship

With Mars in Cancer, Venus in Taurus, so many planets in the water signs, the energy is very feminine and that makes the ALPHA MALE archetype redundant. Boys, step aside and let the women take the lead. Do not feed into the male are superior bullshit, because they are not.

A female-led relationship, also known as wife-led marriage or loving female authority by its advocates, is where the woman is the married head of the household and makes all the decisions. It is not a thing of whips and chains and leather (though sometimes it does become that!) – it is just a different power arrangement.

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.

—Socrates

It’s  inevitable!

Your man’s inner-voice speaks to him about his ultimate desire to support, protect and please his Goddess. He wants you to BE-come that Goddess! There is nothing like sweet, sweet surrender. Society used to be a matriarchy and a woman could freely choose who she wanted to copulate with. Marriage as we know it and even monogamy did not exist.

Sexual union was spiritual and liberal. There was no slut shaming or name calling. No rumours, no lies. Just pure sacredness of the Union between man and woman.

FEMDOM, the most type of Female led relationships is where a man becomes in a slave to serve his Goddess. He is her toy. This definitely has a tantric oeuvre. In Tantra, the Goddess or Shakti is revered and worshipped. Femdom is sorta like that. Does that excite you as much as it excites me?

Level 3 Female-led relationship

The couple is likely to develop a servant/master type relationship with the woman in charge. The woman takes much greater control of the man, telling him where he can go and when he can go there, who he can talk to, what he can wear, what he can eat, what he can say and when he can speak. She will take control of his money and decide where they are going as a couple. The man forfeits say in just about everything and in most relationships at this level, that’s exactly the way he wants it.

A lot of men are now taking this seriously…and surrendering to the yoni/vagina~

Do you want to?

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

—Timothy Leary

The next level mostly moves to fetish and BDSM and now she wants pets and slaves.

Do you know some of the most powerful men in the world are subs and slaves. Not being in control in bed is such a huge turn on for these men. Having his woman play such games with him will drive your man nuts. Believe me.

If your man likes to dress up in your clothes. Dress him up for fuck’s sake, or else he will do it with someone else. Most men fantasise about being dominated by a gorgeous diva. They love it.

Punish him if he has been a bad boy. In fact, female led relationships have been known to make men feel more secure and safe.

A short musing~~

No one had ever squeezed his dick so hard.

And called it a clit.

Humiliated him.

Made him crawl on all fours.

No one had done all those things.

All he wanted to do, was wear her panties.

He was afraid to look in her eyes.

His phone rings again and his heart skips a beat.

She is his top and he, her bottom.

 

She uses and abuses him, she plays with him.

And she never kisses him.

Just that once.

She kissed him, just that once.

His cock hurts and his balls are blue.

But she has now thrown the keys away.

Sometimes taking control in the bedroom becomes very therapeutic for your man. Remember, he is as much a victim of toxic patriarchy as you are. Give him the chance to reveal his most tender side. Try it and become the dominant.

Chastity devise~

Forced chastity is the best part of all this. When your man is full of pent up sexual energy and dependent upon you for its release he is truly at his best. Part of it is chemical/hormonal. Part of it is psychological. Built up sexual energy is exactly that, energy! A normally lazy man who has not had an orgasm in a long time is full of energy. He wants to do things. He needs some way to either express or sublimate that sexual energy. All you have to do is tell him the things he needs to do. He’ll do them!

Let him be all fluffy and express himself. Let his BE HIMSELF. Let his drop all the masks he wears. Please discuss it with him.

Embrace him with all your heart.

Introduce him to anal play if you haven’t already. A man can only have a full bodied orgasm, if his Gspot is activated and that is up the anus. You have to finger his through the backdoor. lol! So to speak. Unsure? Email me.

Playing the Top in bed can be challenging for you if you are a sub. Then by all means ignore this. But if you are like me, then read on.

Showing your man that you are the very embodiment of Black Moon Lilith will initiate a new relationship dynamics between you both. Remember that. I for one have been studying the art of Japanese bondage or Shibari for the last five years. Love it! BTW I am not the one tied up, I do the tying up! Lol!

Men like to be mothered. Haha! Don’t be sick, read on.

Men like women to be in control, whether they are ready to face it or not.

Take control tonight as Mars is still in Cancer. He will be sensitive and open. More connected to his feminine side. Overpower him, but do it convincingly.

Open up to him and tell him your fantasies. Hear his out too. Speaking honestly is the best way you can preserve your relationship.

Email me for more on this and how FLRs can help you harness the energy of the Goddess.

http://www.tinaheals.com

tina@tinaheals.com

Men’s minds are raised to the level of the women with whom they associate.

—Alexandre Dumas Pere

 

Twinflames and Synchronicity~~

A real love letter is made of insight, understanding, and compassion. Otherwise it’s not a love letter. A true love letter can produce a transformation in the other person, and therefore in the world. But before it produces a transformation in the other person, it has to produce a transformation within us. Some letters may take the whole of our lifetime to write. ~~Thích Nhất Hạnh

That is the kind of LOVE LETTER we all need to write…to ourselves and to our MIRROR SELVES~~our Twinflames! And it is only from such a PURE and SACRED SPACE can we begin to address our emotions and feelings for our Twinflames!

Synchronicity is choreographed by a great, pervasive intelligence that lies at the heart of nature, and is manifest in each of us through intuitive knowledge. ~ Deepak Chopra

What is synchronicity?

Carl Gustav Jung coined the word to describe what he called “temporally coincident occurrences of acausal events.”

You know that time you drive out into the highway and it starts drizzling and some track begins to play on your devise. Maybe you heard that track at a party where your eyes caught another’! And you were thinking of him/her and bam, that track plays bringing with it all kinds of desires and longings…inexplicable, deep pangs!

Sometimes you think of a name and your cell rings. Presto! It is that very person.

Sometimes you realise that the name of your Twinflame is a word you have heard many times. It has always been there and one day you put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I worked with an inter-racial couple once. They are Twinflames. I could see that the moment I met them, their synergy was awesome. They told me such crazy stories of synchronicity that I was left intrigued.

They had met in the US very many years ago. They hooked up one night and never thought anything of it. Years went by and they both had kids. And then one day they met again. In Bombay of all places.

They instantly recognised each other and in fact he told me that he had thought of her many times in the past. Especially at times when he was single. That means every time he felt vulnerable, he thought of her.

This is a commonality. Twinflames often think of one another in times of crisis. But of course he never managed to find her. In fact, they reconnected on Facebook and realised the intensity of their feelings for each other.

Speaking to her I realised how she had never forgotten him. She actually waited for him to get back, but he didn’t. He tells me that somehow he never managed to connect with her. He tried. There it is….they had to split up and finish off their karmic stuff.

Now listen to this, he fell in love and had a baby girl. And as he tells me that her memory kinda got buried under his busy schedule. And without thinking of it, he named his baby girl. And guess why I am saying this? The name of his baby is her MIDDLE NAME which he never heard before. Imagine his surprise at this! He was never aware of this! Can you believe this synchronicity! I was confounded!

And they met on the 11/11/2013 and I might have discussed how important his number sequence is in understanding the Twinflame phenomena. Most Twinflames are in some way guided by the 11.11!

11 is a master number which represents intuition, creativity, genius, refinement and fulfillment. Eleven is also the numerology code for self-awareness.

As Jung would have us believe- nothing is coincidence my dear! There is a GOVERNING DYNAMIC, an INTELLIGENT DESIGN, a LIVING BREATHING UNIVERSE that is working through us, expressing through us, orgasming through us!

One quote that moved Jung(and me) is from Lewis Carroll’s THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, where the WHITE QUEEN tells ALICE: “It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards…”

A new theory claims that time does not move forward, but rather, everything in time is ever-present. According to the theory, if we were to ‘look down’ upon the universe, we would see time spread out in all directions, just as we see space at the moment. EVERYTHING ALWAYS ALREADY EXISTS! Time does not flow, TIME JUST IS! Like the BENESS!

“The Hegelian doctrine, which identifies Absolute Being or “Be-ness” with non-Being, and represents the Universe as an eternal becoming, is identical with the Vedanta philosophy.” — H.P. Blavatsky, The Secret Doctrine, Vol. 2, p. 449-450

You won’t believe it, I began to seriously look at Twinflames after 11/11/2008. I remember how often this sequence began to pop up. It drove me nuts and I remember so vividly that the terrorists attacked Bombay on 26/11, just a few days after I began to SERIOUSLY get into this whole thing.

I had a lot of tragedy happen to me as well with this 11.11.

My furbaby(he was my whole world) had a terrible, uncalled accident on the 11/3/2011! That broke my heart and if I did not have my spiritual work, I might not have made it. Yes that is how strongly I feel. I am an empath! Shockingly, it is at this time that my heart cried out the most for my Twinflame!

I know that when our Twinflame energy is close by, we can expect to see this number. The Universe is conspiring to reunite us with ourselves, in the shape of our Twinflame! Yes and how beautiful will that be!

Another beautiful couple that consults with me have such an interesting anecdote. He is from the UK and she from SA. They met on FB through my Theosophy group. Yes! A huge success story. They wish to remain anonymous, but that will not stop me from saying how lucky they are to have found each other.

She tells me that since he added her on FB, everywhere she went, she began to hear his name. Say his name is Tom. She kept hearing TOM, TOM freaking everywhere. And every time she heard that name, she thought of him, her new FB friend. Then finally, she threw caution to the winds and texted him to go out. And as they say, the rest is history/herstory!! 😉

There is another story that comes to mind. This guy saw this girl at a party. His best friends were constantly talking about her. She was the new girl in town and she is hot! So he kept hearing her name and within a couple of days, he kept bumping into her or her car or her sister. He tells me how everywhere he went in South Bombay, she was there. At the club, at the gym, at the lounge. It was like the Universe was screaming and pointing her to him. So without wasting any time he approached her. But she did not say yes for two years, but once she did, they have never been apart from that day! What a story!

These anecdotes I presented are not MERE COINCIDENCES! No people! They are TWINFLAME SYNCHRONICITY! It does not happen much, but when it does, it is MAGICK!

Like this…the love story of Bergman and his leading lady Liv. A lot of highly CREATIVE couples are Twinflames. I have discussed this before. Read my other Twinflame stuff.

Synchronistic events offer us perceptions that may be useful in our psychological and spiritual growth and may reveal to us, through intuitive knowledge, that our lives have meaning. ~ Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD, The Tao of Psychology, p.7

Are you seeing 11.11? Are you frantically searching for your Twinflame? Calm down! Being desperate will not work here. It is all about PATIENCE! Yes patience is a real VIRTUE!

You know why some of us are looking for our Twinflames? It is to experience a SPIRITUALLY AWARE relationship. Not to say that the present one I am in, is not so. It is. But our life partners bring about a different type of resonance from our Twinflame energy. I will repeat again. It does not mean you will be 100% compatible with your Twinflame. Quite the contrary! You might be miserable if you do not recognise the SOUL CONNECT! You have to want to BE with that person no matter what and usually this intensity is easily found between Twinflames. But some people are so blinded by rampant mindless materialism that they miss out on such an important connection

I have seen that happen too and it is very painful. But chances are high that you are on the lookout for this energy if you are reading my blog! I am after all a Twinflame Mentor!

There are numerous SOULMATES. I spoke of the 144. Check my other articles out on this topic. So you will find 11 SOULMATES, but only ONE Twinflame! Again the number 11!

Another noteworthy aspect to mention is that most Twinflames have SPIRIT GUIDES or ANCESTORS, friends, loved ones who send energy to make this union happen. Therefore it is possible to experience crazy dejavu’s, almost of a spiritual fervour with your Twinflame.

If you are aware of your Twinflame, your body will vibrate every time you think about them. You might not even be consciously aware of it. So next time you feel compelled by somone’s eyes, look deeply if they stir these Twinflame emotions in you. But again, use your powers of discretion!

The Dalai Lama quoted: “I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.”

I will tell you the same. Let the Universe be your guide and do not expect your Twinflame to adhere to any preconceived ideas you might have had. Delete and clear all those redundant files and let the beauty of SYNCHRONICITY guide you and you will find your Twinflame. Let me know when that happens…

I leave you with these thoughts today….look for synchronicity and as always I am waiting to hear from you. Let me know your love story. Uncover the Twinflame mystery with me…for TOGETHER we can! And TOGETHER WE WILL! ❤

http://www.tinaheals.com

tina@tinaheals.com

Twinflames and Starstuff~~

You may say that all love is descended from the stars. Because, in a way, parts of us have “descended” from the stars. According to astronomers, our atoms and the atoms of our universe were created from stars that exploded. The remaining matter from the stars created our world–leaving us to be made of the same matter as the stars…Neil deGrasse Tyson

Yes people, we are star stuff, contemplating star stuff, says Carl Sagan. You, me, your lovers, my lovers, we are all made up of the same things. AS ABOVE, SO BELOW!

The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” ~~Carl Sagan

Is that not magical! I remember that no matter what happened to me and no matter how upset I was, whenever I looked up at the sky full of stars, I experienced a sense of magick! Mundane life lost its meaning and the incessant chatter and jargon of this 3D world ceased. I could sense the 5D world breathing, like a ginormous hologram!

The stars twinkled above and in my heart while I wrote under the dark skies, while I sang uninhibited and danced naked! Yes that is what they do to me, they make me lose sanity. That is not a problem.

For sanity is just adhering to societal rules and conventions. I never did that. Too much of an iconoclast! But the stars spoke of love. A love so intense that it feels like the slow dance of two black holes, consuming each other! Yes blackholes do consume each other!

I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous… inconvenient… consuming.. “can’t live without each other” love. — Carrie Bradshaw -SATC

How many of you think of love like this? How many of you want to feel the rapture and ecstasy, the pain and pleasure of love? I know a lot of you want to, but is it so easy? We all know that it is not. The dating scene is beyond fucked up and each of us are left hollow as we try to find love and deep connection in our lives.

Which is why I want to begin my one of a kind dating portal. It will be inclusive to couples of all orientation. It will even have a Fetish community. There will be a special Twinflame page where people who are serious about finding their Twinflame, can open profiles.

We know that EVERYTHING IS ENERGY. Thought and intention can bring waves to fixed points so they form matter. You can literally “download” your Twinflame. Come on now my sweets, activate that mind(GEMINI).

The Age of Aquarius is bringing forth revolutionary new innovative thoughts and ideas on how we can change ourselves and the whole paradigm. It is happening now. Some of us are becoming more aware of the 3D Matrix and we are consciously working to demolish it and lift the veil.

The veil of Isis is a metaphor and allegorical artistic motif in which nature is personified as the goddess Isis covered by a veil, representing the inaccessibility of nature’s secrets.  ~~WIKI

The feminine form clad by the VEIL. What does it remind you of? The hijab?

Yes dear friends, even in India, women covered their faces. As if echoing this great esoteric tenet. The greatest cosmic secrets are within the feminine form and her face, especially her eyes. Yes all women are the very embodiment of this Shakti energy.

That is why Kali is naked. For she is the GREAT COSMIC FORCE OF CREATION and there is no veil to shield her. She does not need to keep the feminine powers contained, for she is  the ULTIMATE TRUTH, the SOURCE CODE, the blackness, the GREAT COSMIC DEEP!

The “Parting of the Veil”, “Piercing of the Veil”, “Rending of the Veil” or “Lifting of the Veil” refers, in the Western mystery tradition and contemporary witchcraft, to opening the “veil” of matter, thus gaining entry to a state of spiritual awareness in which the mysteries of nature are revealed. ~~WIKI

Stay with me….so on the premise that everything is energy….think of this…

You can conjure up energy with your MIND and this can bring to you the energies you want to manifest. For example if you want a Twinflame and join up this site, INTENDING to find that particular frequency, then yes, there is a VERY GOOD chance you might.

If you want to just answer booty calls, then do so by all means. It is your choice and you are manifesting what you wished for. Always be mindful of what you wish for, yes, it can come true!

All I am trying to say is that the world needs a LOVE REVOLUTION! Say what? People need to CONNECT! Do you agree that we are light beings composed of sacred kisses, intimate touches, sweet whispers and a heart full of love. Love is a frequency!

All I am trying to expound on over here that you know the resonance of your Twinflame! Even if you haven’t met them. Some Energy-Workers like myself have been born with an obsession to uncovering the deeper truths behind LOVE, SEX, DEATH and REBIRTH!

And I am obsessed with these themes and have been since I can remember. I have a love for the macabre and a very keep interest in serial killers and the like. I think it is Pluto in the second making an aspect to Uranus in the 8th in my natal chart.

This Pluto in the second is also the reason I decided to take up healing as one of my primary focuses in life. And then Uranus in Scorpio in the 8th will make one obsess over the occult and sexual motifs. You see I like to explore the very depths of our existence as a Philosopher and Mystic!

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves…” Shakespeare

The stars above guide us as we are miniature versions of them. Yes we are.

“As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”  Hermes Trismegistus

The first kiss between Twinflames is a topic a lot of you want to know about and again this info I give is the result of speaking to hundreds of couples in relationships, divorced, dating and even from singles all over the World. That is just the research part of it, the other ways I have gathered Twinflame info is through meditation, NLP exercises, discussing with my Guru and other mystics.

Another extremely potent way of dissolving your EGO and connecting to your Twinflame is through shamanic plant wisdom and other psychedelics. Yes a huge psychedelic revival is on its way and the big boys of the Silicon Valley are heading this movement by micro dosing and using other psychotropics to be one-up on the AI. Psychedelics is one way to evolve and integrate AI within our paradigm of understanding. In fact articles are saying that they give humans an edge over the robots. Yay to that! Psychonaughts have been screaming this from the roof tops for many years.

Under the guidance of a healer and meditation expert, you can try to dissolve this EGO self and try to enter a meditative state to sense the resonance of your Twinflame. Look if you are already committed, then please do so with your own discretion. Do not hurt your partner with the Twinflame obsession. It might be useful to enter into self questioning as to why you are looking for your Twinflame?

Okay I will tell you something. All the Twinflame couples I have worked with, have known, all their lives that they were looking for someone. Even while being with other people, they did not stop feeling this way. Now this feeling is not the usual shallow boredom that attacks so many relationships. Yes boredom is the main culprit! And if you are looking for your Twinflame because you are BORED, then please forget it. You are NOT READY!

Only if you have given your heart over and over in love and been hurt, and you still want to find that person because you are convinced that they EXIST, then you might be coming closer. Maybe you are already physically close! This is unlikely though, unless your pineal gland is completely calcified.

Usually if you are in the physical vicinity of your Twinflame, your energy will be in TOTAL FLUX. Heart beating like crazy, head reeling, weird feeling in our bellies…yes you will feel all of it. Unless you are spiritually empowered. Because then with meditation you have strengthened your individual morphic resonance which will better connect you to your Twinflame frequency!

If you are single, then the world is your oyster and tune right into the right frequency. DO NOT GIVE UP! No, perseverance is the key to such endeavours. Never forget that!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

That is the kind of vibe you get with your Twinflame. This does not stop your relationship from being TEMPESTUOUS! A lot of such relationships are intense and very sexually charged.

Back to that first Twinflame kiss ~~ If you experience it, you will never forget it.

http://positivemed.com/2015/10/14/7-types-of-kisses-from-around-the-world-you-and-your-partner-should-try/

Let me give you a few pointers…and I have created a meditation where you can “kiss” your Twinflame’s etheric body. Contact me for more on that.

  • Sense of FULL EXPOSURE. Nothing remains hidden. Every story, every teardrop is exposed as your lips touch.
  • Sense of coming home
  • sense of kissing a part of yourself
  • sense of a long, long connection
  • sense of many past lives

You get it. But please do not confuse every inebriated kiss for a Twinflame type. Meditate and activate your psychic energy. Everyone can do.

While Venus moves into Taurus, her own sign, our love lives are going to become very earthy and sensual.

 

Twinflames and Sacred Union~~

 

You’ll never find me. For I have been with you, from the beginning of me.” ~~Rumi

Spirit (or Consciousness) and Matter are, however, to be regarded, not as independent realities, but as the two facets or aspects of the Absolute (Parabrahm), which constitute the basis of conditioned Being whether subjective or objective.” The Secret Doctrine, Vol.I:15. ~~HPB

They are the FIRST COSMIC TWINFLAMES~~ SPIRIT & MATTER!

Spirit falls into matter, the waves become particles or fixed point and give us the experience of reality. But is anything real? Are you real? Am I real? Are Twinflames real? Is karma real?

I hate the way the word KARMA is used now-a-days. Karma is a bitch, so and so. No my dear friends, karma is not the pejorative word you understand it to be. Karma is the algorithm in the INTELLIGENT DESIGN to bring forth equilibrium and unity through ACTION/REACTION or CAUSE/EFFECT.

It is this very KARMA that creates the FIRST SEPARATION of the Twinflames. Yes they are SHIVA/SHAKTI polarities, but due to karmic frequencies, they have to finish off their respective worldly karmas to reunite in the SACRED UNION.

This is the TWINFLAME energy in its simplest rendition. SACRED UNION of binaries! When polarities merge into one another and TWO BECOME ONE! In every sense of the word.

What I sense we are holding on to right now in our collective consciousness is a SENSE OF ABANDONMENT! Somewhere deep down we all feel it. Yes, at the very bottom of our being, at the very pit of our stomachs…we all feel it, in some way. This feeling of being LEFT OUT, ABANDONED.

When I was young, my brother David and I were farmed off to foster homes, and I spent time in orphanages. My father abandoned us. Here’s the most important person in my life, and I never met him. ~~Wayne Dyer

Not all our abandonment stories are so severe, but you get the gist. Do you think that this sense of deep abandonment that we experience is due to the separation from our twinflames? Is that possible? An idea I have been toying with.

So the other day after doing a special Twinflame meditation with a small group of people, I suddenly began to feel sick. No reason. Just felt like I was dying and even though I had eaten a small salad at lunch, I kept throwing up. Non stop, for what seemed like hours.

And after that I convinced my partner to take me to the beach nearby, so I could just smell the salty waters and hears the roars of the waves. He did not even argue, but took me. I had some deep revelations during that meditation.

I sensed how many relationships were purely formed out of toxic neediness and the fear of being ALONE. People if you are lonely when alone, then you need to love yourself first before you can begin to ponder on your Twinflame. Remember that.

Sweety you don’t need a quick fix! This is not instant fucking coffee! No love can “fix” some problem. Only you can solve that problem. Love can give you strength, yes immeasurable strength, but it will not be the quick fix you so desire it to be.

Working with couples I have seen so much of friction, unsavoury sentiments, distrust, rampant disrespect, that sometimes I just sit and cry. Cry for the futility of humanity! I cry when I think of how we choose to spend our time bickering and hating when we should be loving and giving.

No matter how freakishly corny that sounds, we are made for lovin’! Yeah baby, some good old lovin’! So how did we, little coochie-coo love bugs become so desensitised? What happened? Where did we go wrong?

You see, this sense of NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH is what is killing us as a society. I keep screaming to couples- YES YOU GUYS…IT IS TIME! YOU ARE READY! YOU ARE READY TO BE LOVED! THE TIME IS HERE!

The problem here is that people have formed relationships, marriages, yes, with babies on just physical attraction. LUST! And that is destroying the very fabric of our lives!

The most important part of the Twinflame ideology is WHOLENESS and not in some sense that you are half and you become whole if you find that person. See this is a very small part of it. This merging of a male/female into ONE signifies a greater union. This joint consciousness becomes ONE with everything in the Universe. This is the WHOLENESS I am talking about.

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~~Rumi

Your Twinflame is this ONE WHOLE HEART HOME! Sublime!

When you find your Twinflame, you link up to the whole circuitry of the Universe. For you see when your male/female binaries are assimilated INSIDE and OUTSIDE, you can then start to feel CONNECTED to it all. The ginormous brain that is the MAHAT or the CONSCIOUS MIND joins together in SACRED UNION.

You have to invest every bit of yourself in whichever relationship you are in. If you can’t then walk away. If you feel that you are with someone because of addictive codependency, then please it is time to cut the chord.

For until you do not severe all these unhealthy scenarios, you will never truly connect to your own authentic self. Without which, you can never connect with your Twinflame.

“I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you—all else melted away.” ~~Rumi

Each Twinflame must work through karmas of multiple incarnations or metempsychosis as HPB calls it. Human beings have to forge ahead in the world and create karma and then figure out ways to work through all of this karma. Why? For the spiritual evolution of all humanities of every cycle.

The pivotal doctrine of the Esoteric philosophy admits no privileges or special gifts in man, save those won by his own Ego through personal effort and merit throughout a long series of metempsychoses and reincarnations.” H.P. Blavatsky, The Secret Doctrine, Vol. I, p. 17.

There is nothing like SELF LOVE, I stress again. This SACRED UNION/YIN/YANG must be balances and WHOLE within. If we can bring peace to our separatist and troubled mind, then we can find a way to love and explore ourselves.

Once the sacred marriage takes place, I can tell you it is DIVINE. That night, after so many hours of vomiting and losing consciousness, I began to see such stark visions. And it felt so orgasmic. This alchemy that was taking place within was making my physical body go bonkers.

Some people call these ASCENSION symptoms.

Deep within me that day I knew that SHIVA/SHAKTI were in yabyum and everything in the Universe seemed just right! Synchronicity!

“WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.” ~ Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

I invoke the DASAMAHAVIDYA or NINE FORMS OF THE GODDESS ENERGY to connect me to my yoni, and eventually to the COSMIC YONI or vagina! The Goddess energy is waking up. Women need to be less obsessed about becoming Queens and Princesses. It is now the time to be the GODDESS!

Nothing less for you my dear ladies! And once you become the very embodiment of Shakti, then you will shine a light to the Shiva of your soul. Once you are the Goddess you need to be, your Twinflame will also rise in vibration.

There is a word in Sanskrit- ARDHANGINI. It refers to the yin polarity and it usually refers to being the other half of the yang polarity. Kind of like the ARDHANARISHWARA I had discussed. Except this word is very commonly used. Wives are called ardhangini and we believe that she shares all her husbands karma. Yes, good and bad.

And she can influence his spiritual growth. By raising her vibration, she can raise his! How the Universe is always giving us females so much extra responsibility! 😉

What is matter but waves hitting each other at certain frequencies! Whether you know it or not, your Twinflame vibrates on the same frequency. He or she may be on a different level of spiritual growth, but the vibration of these TWIN SOULS cannot be lost to the Universe.

Think about it! They have to hold the same frequency or some resonance of it to reconnect back when the time is right. Both parties of course have to work through all the karmic bullshit.

You know this intense sexual desire you feel, it is just a strong yearning to return to source code! To return to innocence! If you are resisting change, it might be a good idea to sage your space and invite the Goddess to burn away all that bigotry and hatred inside.

Just feel her power work through you and if you are a man, you might be able to get a glimpse of your Twinflame during one such meditation and if you are a girl, then you might connect on a deeper level to your masculine.

Feel this energy deep within and know that you are connected at a SOUL LEVEL.

When making love, explore the soul of the other person, not just their bodies. Some of us are so blinded by materialism and the illusion that is the hologram, that we will fail to see our Twinflame if they came and slapped us. I have seen it happen.

The Twinflame Quest must be undertaken with FULL AWARENESS!

This recent Twinflame meditation that I went through made me realise one thing! That my Twinflame will reveal to me parts of me that no one else can and in so many profound ways.

I sensed so many incarnations, so many stories, so many experiences and then I felt him. He made me want to be me. Can I explain it any better? I don’t know. Words always fail me when I have to define my meditation.

The thing is that your Twinflame will make you see yourself and in such intimate ways that he/she will awaken a deep sense of love, wonder and awe in you. The feelings and emotions extended through time and space!

I was vibrating with such intensity!!!

I leave you with this gorgeous montage and soundtrack from Aronofsky’s The Fountain ~~ composed by the supremely talented Clint Mansell.

Explore the Sacred Whore Archetype ~~

“Previously, when I began to write this tale, I set out by saying that Mlle. Claude was a whore. She is a whore, of course, and I’m not trying to deny it, but what I say now is–if Mlle. Claude is a whore then what name shall I find for the other women I know?”
― Henry Miller

That is how patriarchy has been degrading and controlling sexually empowered women. Women who know their bodies and are absolutely comfortable with it. They know that a healthy relationship to her pussy, means a healthy relationship to existence.

But if you are a woman and you openly claim to have had sex with more than three guys, then you are a SLUT/WHORE. This my peeps is the toxic invention of the perverted patriarchs who were WORRIED(yes you heard that right) that if their women were not controlled then they will sleep with other men and not play housekeeping.

Men in their toxic possessiveness brought on monogamy. They made us COMMODITIES. We were denigrated from being a human, instead we began to be classed as SOMEONE’S daughter, sister or wife. We became objects to be owned and the painful saga continues…

In this whole mess of controlling women, they created a certain type of monster. Women who were ENABLERS of this unholy, toxic system perpetrated by the patriarchs. Women who burned and stoned other empowered and bold women.

I am working on a book called PUSSY TALKS, yes you heard that right. It is the story of how a vagina begins to speak to the body it is attached with. Through this metaphor of the Pussy talking, I hope to bring to forefront ideas of feminine sexual explorations. Yes there will be loads of info presented with a dose of entertainment. So watch this space for more on my MOTIVATIONAL BOOK ~~ PUSSY TALKS..

Women turned on women. And the rest as they say is History…not HERSTORY of course. For how can she have a story? Can women even think? Sadly even today a lot of chauvinists believe so.

On the topic of ORGASMS ~~ Listen guys, women can have MULTIPLES, yes they can. If you are a woman and you have no clue as to what I am referring to, you need to email me right now. And please tell me you guys experience FULL BODIES ORGASMS! When your orgasm is not concentrated in your genital area, but spreads across your whole being and rocks the very core of it. Yes my peeps, such orgasms exist and they are possible for all women.

Even for a dude, but the process is ummm…through the backdoor! 😉

Your anus is rich with nerve endings and believe you me, all men enjoy some type of anal play, including Analingus and penetration. Strapon play is a huge thing and can help couples work out through loads of psychological issues. Having to shift roles, makes boundaries dissolve fostering better communication and co-operation between couples.

The men have their G SPOT up their anus, so do not think you are gay if you enjoy Anal Play. IT IS NATURAL!

https://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/so-youre-a-straight-guy-who-wants-to-try-butt-stuff?utm_term=.qr3Q7jvWN#.opL9RAmQg

If you can stimulate your man’s prostate, that is enough to bring him to climax and these orgasms are DEEP, full bodied magick! And it is not necessary that he will eject every time with prostate orgasm. Do not panic. In fact the longer men can hold off from ejecting, the better for them. So you see…men too can experience this wonder that the human body has to offer. Remember your butt has no sexual orientation, it just wants to feel all sorts of sensations.

The WHORE is a very ancient archetype. She is the PRIESTESS ARCHETYPE and asks Carl Jung describes her…

The Priestess archetype is perhaps the least known and most misunderstood, especially in the present patriarchal culture, which has rejected women‘s spirituality and individual spiritual expression throughout history.

The Priestess archetype is the inner domain of intuitive awareness and deep insight. It is the portal to  secret or “occult” (that which is hidden) knowledge of the invisible realms.

The Priestess has a magical connection to the unknown and a guide of souls.  A trans-connector, she facilitates between the material and the spiritual. She is the mediator of the psyche.

Patriarchy has mutilated this PRIESTESS and has called her a WHORE, like Mary Magdalene.  Yes my peeps, we are all carrying these MAGDALENE WOUNDS, collectively, all women. Mary Magdalene was not some common prostitute. No she was Yesua’s equal partner. His Bhairavi, in tantric parlance and look what they did to her legacy, but the future will venerate her.

Look what happens to Sita. She is forced to step into the fire to prove her innocence! After what she has been through! This is our story people…these wounds, these burns…

In my psychic visions, I have “seen” myself being burnt. I have read about stonings and have felt that pain in my own body. As an empath, these wounds are really intense and to top it off, I am a woman and a Priestess!

Women like Mary Magdalene were sexual alchemists, witches, sorceresses and muses. Because come to think about it. In this 3D world, the closest one can come to a concept of SAMADHI will be during a full bodied intense orgasm! Yes nothing quite connects us to the GODLY FIELD of PURE BLISS!

The first time I understood transcendence was during once such orgasm and that actually aided me in my spiritual development. Because it got me thinking that this intense ORGASMIC feeling is so wondrous and what if it could be prolonged. What if we could exist in some sort of orgiastic fever! Ah!

It is this quest that got me looking at meditation. Combining sex and meditation can be a tremendous healing tool and many, many couples have benefited from learning simple basic practices of ancient tantra.

So it is important for us, as a collective of men and women to heal these WOUNDS. To reclaim the power of Mary Magdalene. To reclaim the power of Sita. Draupadi and so many women from the past. We need to awaken the sacred whore archetype for complete healing of all humanity.

Without unleashing the full potential of the DIVINE FEMININE, the world will never rise to its next stage of vibration. We are on a spiral upwards.

That feminine spirit is like a WILD UNTAMED FOREST with so many treasures hidden within. There are so many layers to her that most men will never penetrate even the basics.

Most people hate whores as patriarchy has taught them that whores are bad. When in actuality whores are wise women, Prophetesses, Healers, Priestesses. These women were learned and sophisticated. They were full of mystery and intrigue and through their sexual oeuvres, they inspired the masculine.

Courtesans, Geisha and Whores were muses and healers.

The sexually active urban woman is still vilified daily if she is seen in amorous embrace with too many. She is labelled a slut by her group when in fact most of the guys have slept with her. How is a woman debased because your cock entered her? How? How? That just goes to show your cock is the problem, not the woman.

It is imperative for us all to invoke this COURTESAN in us. Why? To explore FEMININITY in all her aspects. All beautiful aspects. And the wife has much to learn from the courtesan. After all, the courtesan(in most cases) controlled the men.

I am in no way suggesting that you need to control your man. In fact the quicker you understand that NOTHING EVER WILL BE UNDER CONTROL, the quicker you will learn to make peace with what’s happening. So think of awakening the COURTESAN to rekindle lost passion or maybe just to show him who the boss is in bed.

I request all women to forgo the missionary. Try new positions. Yes check out the Kamasutra(as corny as that sounds) and figure out what really works for your guy.

The word Prostitute is from the Latin and means Pro-Stituare; To  Stand In on Behalf of.

The sacred whore stood in behalf of the DIVINE YONI or the COSMIC VAGINA. She channels in the power of the MOTHER MATRIX, or MULAPRAKRITI. You see the original WHORE is an ENERGY WORKER and through the act of sex, she alchemically transforms stagnant energy or base metal into GOLD through touch, copulation and other intimate acts. How profound is that!

She is also known as DAKINI in Buddhist terminology.

“In a balanced viewpoint that includes both masculine and feminine perspective, healing is seen not as a technique, but as a process.”
― Jeanne Achterberg, Woman as Healer

All women want WILD SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS. I know this to be true, just by gathering material for my book Pussy Talks(I have spoken to HUNDREDS of women from all over the world). It is about the lost feminine voice speaking through the metaphor of a pussy, the seat of the womb. The book I spoke about. I plan to do workshops as well to reconnect people to the various feminine archetypes to rebirth creativity and abundance.

The healing of these wounds are ever so important for people who have been abused or raped. The trauma can only be overcome by surrendering to the great cosmic force of ORGASM. It is okay if you do not have a partner, just learn how to pleasure yourself and bring yourself to full bodied multiples; then with intention and meditation, you can totally heal. Just remember, SEX IS NOT DIRTY or CHEAP. It is not only an absolutely natural physiological process, it also harbours potentials to be the most potent creative force in the Universe.

“Sivtatva’ and ‘Saktitatva’ (Lord Shiva and Holy Mother Kali) – Father’s semen in mother’s womb, both combined which CREATES the MULTIPLE UNIVERSES. Male and female polarities create matter/space/time!

Women need to shed off sexual inhibitions. Aren’t we tired of being submissive? Ladies, I suggest you fuck your man tonight like a Goddess, like a Priestess, like Mary Magdelena would have fucked Yesua to transform him into what he became.

The most important thing to imbibe about the courtesan archetype will be FREEDOM. Understand what it means for you. As an individual and in a couple dynamics. What does sexual freedom mean to you? I am not suggesting you sleep with numerous guys and claim to be sexually liberated.

That whole gig is as toxic as it can get. By FREEDOM I mean, ask for what you want in bed and do not be afraid to reverse the dynamics. If you are not used to experimenting, then please do so. Why not look at exploring what tickles both your fantasies??

Few pointers on how to proceed

Gaze into his eyes

Keep the look fixed

Role play(not French maid or Japanese school girl for fuck’s sake! Dig deep into your erotic tastes)

Cultivate INTRIGUE(the main tool of the courtesan) For she knows how to get her men coming back for more…

Be present in the NOW

Breathe deeply

Feel each sensation

Use toys

Talk to him(yes talk dirty) Use a script or plain improvise!

Really feel him while you touch, kiss, spank, spit…whatever works…

Let me really look at you- see you for the GODDESS you are…

Intend to HEAL him with your acts. Yes thoughts are ENERGY!

Turn off from all the noise going on in your head and become the WILD WHORE you are meant to be!

Email me for more… tina@tinaheals.com

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The Plan ~~ A Novel by Tinaheals

MIZPAH

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

 

I force my memory to return to that day, that fateful night.

I feel so divorced from reality that everything seems to be from a film, some experimental film, where the maker is purposely using disjointed close ups, to display the brokenness of the characters, to make visible the dehumanising of them.

It’s like when I look at advertisements- dismembered body parts of women are made to mimic products, a torso becomes a bottle of alcohol, and two legs become scissors. The woman is not only sexualized, objectified, but her body is not even allowed to remain whole, it is sliced up. What violence!

But here in this scene the filmmaker has perceived of slicing the characters to convey to me that they are somehow not whole, they are somehow disintegrating, they are fading away. The film I see, has a burnt out texture, the whole shot seems to be fragmented; there is an emptiness evident in the mise scene; the atoms are 9.999999999999% empty, so reality is essentially emptiness and I am more not here than here.

The camera is fluid, the shots keep going out of focus and then the subject gets refocused on. Wait, is this some film festival? Nah, it’s my life, more like a snapshot of my life.

That day!

I see her face; her mascara is running down her face, she looks like some character from a horror flick. Dressed in torn jeans and a white tee, her feet bare, her  messy make up, the alcohol on her breath and her cigarette smoke, they all surface at different times in my mind, like abstract close ups. They help me conjure up that very moment and I am there again.

A few weeks ago we had gone to the Police Station to file an FIR against this bastard. Not much was said that day or the following weeks of what had transpired because my sister was pretty much catatonic and has been since them, but this evening I get a call from her, drunk out of her head asking me to drop by. I ask Frank not to come as she might open up easier without a male presence, so hopping into a rick, I went straight to her Andheri apartment that she shared with Mel.

Anxiously I waited for her to get the door, and the sight that greeted my eyes shocked the living hell out of me.

Zeenia is wearing the same clothes in which she was raped and has painted her face very dramatically, presumably depicting the way she feels. I’m fucking scared. All these past few weeks what seemed like an eternity to me, she had suffered terribly from rape trauma syndrome and it has devastated us. We have all pretty much given up smiling or talking about anything normal, we just eat when hunger threatens to burn a hole through our stomach. Between Mel and me, we supervise her day and night, never allowing that one moment of weakness to overcome her. Slowly, slowly, she began to sleep for a few minutes, which has become a few hours. She’s stopped screaming in her sleep and the hallucinations about the rape have also lessened.

Only on days when we went to court, she’d be pretty much devastated to see the perpetrator sitting across the room, all smug and confident; lying through his teeth. Today the session at court was traumatic and this night is the reaction to that.

The night begins…

There are red Sula bottles strewn round the floor. I’m in Zeenia’s apartment at Yari Road, at least that’s where I think I am, my senses and understanding have abandoned me; we’re smoking spliffs and cigarettes like it’s going out of fashion.

The tiny apartment is smoky, it reeks of that cheap, sweet Sula smell that I detest; never been much of a drinker, in fact I do not care for alcohol at all, but today’s different.

Zeenia is drunk with a capital D and she keeps thrusting the bottle in my hand while petting Bhola, a stray puppy she rescued from the alleys of four bunglows. I keep sipping, knowing that she has something to say, but it is one of those things which can be mouthed out when one is sufficiently inebriated.

So I keep quiet, I drink on; we’re getting sloshed, Zeenia appears to be crying, hugging Bhola who stares at her surprised.

I see her face, a close up shot, her smeared mascara, and her face pale. What’s happened to you, my dearest friend, my sister? Why’re you wearing the same clothes? Why would you wear such ghoulish makeup?

Zeenia breaks down, she’s sobbing her eyes out. Bhola drags himself and sniffs her; he cannot walk as his hind is paralyzed, he carries his whole body weight on his front paws. There is a cello playing in the background, “Nothing else matters”, the celebrated Mettalica tune plays; there are no words, just the haunting tune spoken by the cello. It is spooky, it is surreal; eerily it plays on, the cello is hell bend on making me nauseous.

This nausea is different; it is filled with anxiety, with trepidation, with a doomsday feeling. Something bad is happening, no, no, it has happened and she is trying to tell me about it.

Birds fly high,

Heart as heavy as sinking iron.

The dusky twilight of today.

My haiku for the day, as I wait for her.

She is trying to work up the courage to speak about it, yes, something horrific has happened and she’s kept it bottled up for so long. Life as we knew it has ended, even Bhola can sense it.

Zeenia is on all-fours, on the floor, pulling her hair, screaming out in pain; all this while she was holding it in. I want to comfort her, but nausea is all I have. Where is Dadu? Where am I? Obviously not here, this body is here, pissed out of her mind, but where am I?

Am I in her scream? Am I in her pain? Am I even there? Do I even exist?

I just want to type away all this pain, yes, that’s what writers do, don’t they? A fucking fucked up cliché.

He raped me Nina, she’s saying. For the first time, I hear the words, the sinking feeling gets worse, as if it could get any worse. Since that day at the police station, she’d remained mute and unresponsive to everything, but today the flood gates have broken. I think I handled it better when she was silent, seeing her like this, with such a painful rawness is actually very scary.

Chills ran down my spine to actually hear these words- RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, it kept making a din in my consciousness. No, I did not hear it, but why is this word making so much noise, drowning everything else.

You read about rape in the newspapers, you watch it on tele, you see actors getting raped in films, you come across it in novels or short stories; but where do you encounter that word in the comfort of your own surroundings?

Such words do not perpetrate their violence in my mind when it comes to my sister.

As a writer you explore rape through different characters, you feel it deeply, but not like this.

Focus Nina, I hear a voice in my brain. Focus on what she is saying. “That bastard, he’s a fucking doctor, I trusted him…” All these words came to my ears disjointed, like a fragment from a whole dialogue but in the time they travelled to my ears these sound waves had lost most of their substance.

“How do people in positions of power abuse others so badly, I fucking don’t understand, especially women; these cunts create feminazis” shouts Zeenia. Her hands trembles as she tries to cut some white powder into straight lines. She snorts it through a crisp note, her eyes begin to water. She offers me the note; rolled up, ready to aid me in devouring some white powder.

No fucking way man, I did not yet care to fry my brain this instant, and of course the nausea is threatening to take charge. I have to keep it down. How did she get this stuff?

“Tell me all about it Zeenu, forget about the crap his lawyers are throwing at you, just tell me everything, from the beginning; he was about to operate on you, what happened?” I hear a small voice ask.

“Doctors are cunts; they probably rape patients on an everyday basis, who knows? Oh! And so are lawyers, fucking fuckballs…” she vacillates as if in a trance.

“But how, how,” I hear an insipid murmur. “How did it happen?”

“Fuck Nina, you’re just regurgitating the same shit over and over again, I was thinking about the story you wrote remember, about the rape…in the stables,” she reminds me.

I am quietened, I have no words. Yes I am dying to know how it happened, but I must not seem insensitive, as if at this point I can even feel anything. I think I officially know the meaning of hollow inside. I am guilty of writing that rape story in the stables, I am guilty, guilty…just hang me!

Once reminded of my creation of pain, I keep quiet; I know I have to pacify her, to give her some warmth. Why the fuck did I write that story? Oh Dadu, where are you now?

My mind is such a mess that right now even if Dadu appeared and spoke to me I could only materialize a vacuous stare.

Pull yourself together, that voice inside my head would just not shut up.

The scene playing in my mind, this movie I’m watching is boody nerve wracking. I want to shake this character Nina, the idiotic poet, phoo. What on Earth is her problem? Why can’t the bitch just hug her sister?

It’s as if the character in the film heard my cue. I see this Nina person slowly go up to her sister. She hugs her, it’s not a hug; it’s more of surrender. Zeenia had not expected this move, her rigid body turns limp, she surrenders to the power of human touch. The two sisters sob in each other’s arms, it’s perfect. The observer and the observed became one, for a second, I became Nina.

Nina, the writer; no big deal in a country where Chetan Bhagat is a best seller, it’s absolutely mundane now, being a writer that is. It’s officially the death of the intellectual. Besides what does this girl really write? Most would label her work as b.s, too grim, too existential (as if that’s a profanity), basically useless! Entertainment kahan gaya paaji? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yes I am a morose writer, a fucking retard, oh, and depressed retard!

Scream of infinite solitude,

Enmeshed in traffic of the soul,

A faint smile.

This kind of shit is running through my head, fuckity fuck!

The night drags on. It’s funny how when I have a pleasurable time, it’s gone before I can even quantify all the sensations I had felt; but when things go downhill, it’s like karma coming full-force to bite me in the ass.

Finally, we both stop sobbing!

Her voice is small, it’s in fact tiny!

I can barely hear it, although we’re so close.

“You know how fucked up this shit is, I went to consult him for that boob job, my producer finally gave me the cash…so I found him online and went ahead, those D cups were all I had in my head, I’m so fucked up, don’t shshhh me, I’m a dumb bitch. You told me not to go for it, but what was I to do. I needed bigger tits, for that fucking part. Fuck, shit’s really hit the roof. I’m fucked, fucked…” She says.

I have no response, my eyes are closed. I am not watching her face, just imagining her reactions.

I could see every single micro expression, every single movement of her jaws, of her eyes, how the lines creased in her face, I saw all the details without actually looking.

I taste Zeenia’s tears in my mouth or were they my own? I have no answers, I have just feelings. The nausea, the confusion is overwhelming and the emotions are transmigrating as words in my mind palace. I wish to document the pain of the dark night, there was an abundant amount of it and my psyche could not hold all.

I wait with bated breath for her to continue and it looks like Bhola did the same.

Her voice has a far off quality to it, like it echoes from some distant world. I listen as she continues.

“Don’t they have the bloody Hippocratic oath, practise medicine honestly, screw practising medicine, isn’t it absolutely unethical on so many grounds to sodomize your patient,” as she says this I realize she has stopped sobbing, so have I.

My eyes are still closed, I’m watching this scene as the abstract, fragmented film, all those extreme close ups to help the exposition along.

She moves away slowly, I just wait. Our embrace is broken, now we sit facing each other. I open my eyes, I see her eyes.

The pain in them is excruciating, it rips my heart apart. Looking into her eyes I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to pen down that emotion, that look will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Zeenia’s my baby sister, I came to the world five seconds earlier, so I’m the older sister; in any case I’ve acted like she was my choto bon.

Shey amar choto bon, boro adorer choto bon…yes, I would piss her off to no end when this song came out of my lips. Damn you Nina, cut out the didi complex, what’s with Bongs and didigiri?

And kobigiri? Kobi kobi bhab, chonder obhak. True that. What’s with all the poetry in my heart, it’d be better off being more prosaic, that’s what the world needs.

Anyway, I protected her, I supported her, I guided her; overall I performed all functions of an older sister as well as that of my mother. Dadu was always there, he was our guardian angel.

Sanity is returning slowly to me, I guess it’s the warmth from my sister’s hug. I’m inclined to ramble on, “Your tits are fine, and why did you even need to go to that asshole? I told you not to, you don’t need silicon in your tits to become an actor. You’re not a bimbo, you’re way better than that.”

Zeenu starts shrieking, “I know what you’re thinking, tell me, tell me. You think it’s my fault right?? You’re probably thinking of some fucking haiku right?”

“Nah re baba, how can it be your fault and no I’m not thinking of a fucking haiku?? Nah re shona, it is my fault. I should have insisted and when you didn’t listen I should have done something severe.”

“What severe? Tied me up?” Her voice takes on a lighter note.

“Probably, fuck knows.” A hint of a smile in my voice.

“I have made Dadu proud, gone and got myself raped.” She laughs cynically. Bhola gets excited to hear her laugh and barks loudly wagging his tail, she grabs him roughly and begins kissing him. What violent love!

“Dadu would have never judged you know that, although your desire for the film led to all this…” I murmur.

A slap is what I deserve; blurting this out was definitely not the right move.

“Desire is the root of all suffering he would say,” she smiles.

I think this night will never end and I don’t know when we passed out on the floor listening to Bob Marley- No woman no cry.

The mind is a funny mechanism, it does not remember everything, yet everything is tucked away neatly in some kind of mind palace. We remember things selectively, otherwise we’d go stark raving mad!

The scene begins to fade away, like a slow fade out. And I remember typing lines on to my laptop…

The smell of death, the touch of suffering,

The hungry mouths, the tired bodies,

This is reality, wait, its buffering.

This is what it embodies.

The sleep, the dream, the dream in the dream!

The lines disappear…

Another more menacing scene replaces this one. It has an ominous overture; the sound of water fills my ears.

You know the sound of water running in a shower.

Zeenia is inside and she is scrubbing herself furiously. We’ve lost the court case, after months of painful hours spent in court, the verdict is out. Dr. V is officially not guilty. It’s somehow proven that my sister’s the slut, apparently they had consensual sex. So the case is blown to dust, like a lamp extinguished with a puff.

That night will be embedded in my psyche forever. We’ve returned home after another god-awful day at court, and today was the last day. We have lost in the Mumbai high court. We may decide to challenge the verdict in Supreme Court, but that’s something we’ve got to decide together. For tonight, it is just silence I seek.

Melissa is Zeenia’s partner, they seem to be in love. I quite like her, the girl seems to have her head on her shoulders.

We were talking softly about nothing exceptional, in fact I did not even want to talk, but had to, Mel needed to talk and I was there.

So we spoke, sipping coffee and taking turns to pet Bhola.

I had insisted that Zeenia leave her bathroom door open, she had one too many episodes recently. The breakdown of her psyche bit by bit was becoming more evident and today in court I saw the look in her eyes- the look of defeat. It broke my heart.

I heard the water run in the shower and the words to her favourite song floated out. We kept on talking, the water kept running, the beats marched on. It was as if time was set in a loop. I registered nothing from the conversation with Melissa, I’m sure she didn’t either; we were both trying to keep from breaking down.

Then she politely asked us to leave her alone and went for a bath which seemed like ages. We also wrapped up and I went to see her to kiss her goodnight. Yes she was in bed, smelling wonderful, hugging Bhola. Kissing her I left, Mel went into the shower, finished up and crawled into bed.

That night I saw baba and ma in a dream, it was prophetic. I ran after being woken up by my dream and the thoughts that followed. I went into her room.

 

The air had turned chilly, if that was even possible in a city like Bombay; and I miss you like the deserts miss the rain, said the song.

We ran. I saw this happening in slow motion. My life in film- we ran to the bed, and what I had expected greeted my eyes.

She lay on the bed, all snugly hugging her Bhola who was not making any noise.

Mel shrieked Frank ran in; I don’t know what happened after that. Some sort of primeval hardwiring in my brain took care of things.

Zeenia’s mouth was wiped dry, she had to be changed into jeans and a sweatshirt; after cleaning her up, her clothes sat snugly on her body as we put her down in the couch.

I remember seeing her face, all the troubles had vanished, and she seemed to be in deep sleep. I remember Dadu singing “Amaro shone chandero kona, bhubone tulona nai re…”

He sang this song sometimes; it was apparently our mother’s favourite, her mother would sing it to her when she was a child.

Where is she? I barely remember her now, but she’s there somewhere in my psyche; sometimes I hear her sing, her smell, her touch, for a micro second I remember.

Today she had come to see me, in my dream. She had told me something which made absolutely sense- you are her, she is you…

The reality was beginning to fragment again, my head was spinning and I could hardly focus as parts of my dream danced around my mind.

I imagined her last moments; she kept her pills hidden somewhere, maybe in the cistern. I see her take out a fistful, while her tears and water all get mixed up, you’d know she’s crying if only you watched the agony on her face.

She stuffs the pills in her mouth, chokes on them but swallows them down. Reflex action, she feels like throwing up. But she clutches her mouth, forcing them down.

I cut back in my mind to another scene, we’re sitting in the bathroom floor, she’s fallen flat on her face, she’s hurt, purple blue bruises adorn her face.

“Please Zeenu, stop taking this shit. Are you trying to leave me alone, do you want to kill yourself?” I tell her.

Suddenly a smile breaks free from all this torment; she whispers softly, her voice like silk.

“Nina to be something I am not is also a form of suicide, listen I want to hand in my resignation from this fucked up life, before I get fired.”

I hear her laugh softly as if this idea had amused her.

“Quite the philosopher, to be or not to be,” I say.

“Has always been the question,” she says definitively.

“Don’t do anything stupid ok, remember what Dadu would say, all this shit is unreal.” She sensed the urgency; the request in my voice touched her somewhere I know.

She looked at me long and hard, “I’m the fucking poster girl for stupid at this moment,” She thinks, probably about Dadu as her face softens. “I doubt Dadu would quite put it like that, but I get the gist.”

We sit in silence on the cold, wet tiles, we embraced our tears instead of suppressing them and calm washed over us.

“Some fucked up illusion this is…why can’t something good happen to me for a change? She blurts out; I feel her heartache. “At least your Muffin has nine lives right, can’t he give me a couple?”

I smile. Do cats have nine lives?

Mel is touching my hands, she is trying to bring me back to the present moment. I cut back to the scene in front- my sister’s body is stone cold, she finally did the “stupid” thing.

Was it so stupid after all? My grandmother also handed her resignation and so had her father; after all we share the same mitochondrial DNA.

Somehow this incident had made Zeenia hate herself, it made her hopeless; I did not understand what could make her as full of despair as to end her life, not just hers, but end our lives.

After Dadu’s passing, she is, I mean was all I had. I’m still not used to referring to her in the past.

I can still feel her vibrations; our feelings exist as vibration along the nervous system and we feel what another feels. I feel my sister.

I hear the sound of an approaching ambulance; she will be taken away soon. Bhola is whining, his tail stiff and he just keeps licking Zeenu’s hands.

Mel was ready when they walked in, thankfully she sorted everything out. She tugged at my hands and nodded, signalling it was time to move.

I got up zombified, it was time.

The journey to the hospital is hazy, a blur in my mind.

I remember her body being carried in a stretcher, with tubes all over her nostrils and face.

What the hell were they doing to her?

It looked to me like some scene from a D-grade horror; hospitals sicken me to the core. It’s a bloody phobia-

Nosocomephobia!

I had this phobia all along which is why I had googled it; it was at least a comfort to know I am not alone.

They say that the fear essentially arises from the fact that one has no control over their lives once admitted.

A control freak, I’m not! It didn’t take me long to realize that nothing is under control and in fact nothing can ever be.

All I can recollect is sitting on a steel bench in the corridor; it’s flooded with lights, the walls are white, and everything smells disgusting! The Doctors in their garbs, mouths covered, the nurses in their uniforms, hair tied severely in a bun, they all looked scary and ugly; all the action was happening in slow motion and it looked like they were experimenting on humans. Maybe they’re aliens, who even knows?

Something about the smell in a hospital, a mix of Dettol, bleach, blood, sweat, puke and faeces; you can also smell the fear, the anxiety, the devastation disease and bodily suffering brings.

And then it just goes blank- fade to black.

Nothing else exists- not matter which is just a form of energy in a matrix of probability.

I see Dadu, his big, white beard swaying in the dark; a fire seems to burn in front of him, I can hear the wood crackle, I can see the fire dance in his eyes. He begins to look like someone not quite like Dadu, but he is him.

Dadu’s face began to morph into the face of Sanyal Mahasaya, his gurudeva. I knew that face only too well; it had been a part of my life as seeing it as the first thing in the morning cemented that face forever in my brain.

Sanyal Mahasaya looked wrathful, fearsome and terrifying. His voice was booing in my head, “Actions or karma can cause bondage, it can also liberate, in the one BEING, the ONE ALL, everything is connected to every other thing. Good and evil are subjective…the Universe is both positive and negative, like the atoms bouncing in your body…it is the whole series of contrasted qualities- NOTHING IS PURE GOOD OR PURE EVIL.”

I saw her face again; the song is playing louder now that the monologue is over, like the sound designer turned it up a notch!

“Now you’ve disappeared somewhere,

Like outer space,

You’ve found some better place

And I miss you…

Like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead…

By now the words had begun to scream at me- could you be dead??

It hit me hard- she is dead!!!

I will never hold her again, I will never laugh with her again, never share my life with her again; the same way I can never see Ma or baba or dadu.

It’s over, finito, kaput!!!

I see her again, frothing from the mouth, her body all twisted and blue from the poison, I feel the nausea swimming in my head.

I think about the observer’s paradox, this concept that the observer decides what to observe. What if I am observing all the wrong things??? There are infinite probabilities, so why is this option playing itself out??

Am I in some bizarre twisted way responsible for this? Can I take the blame for this?

I am ready to do pretty much anything at this point to suppress this immense pain; absolutely anything! Muffin where are you?

I’ve got to write, the words are coming, but not as fast as I’d like them to.

I shout, I see it, I hear it,

The pain, the atrocity, it exists….

In me…

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