Art by Alex Grey
CRAVING FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER BE/ CANNOT BE AND NEED NOT BE(???)
“Our lived lives might become a protracted mourning for, or an endless tantrum about, the lives we were unable to live,” wrote the psychoanalyst Adam Phillips in his elegant case for the value of our unlived life. “But the exemptions we suffer, whether forced or chosen, make us who we are.”
Have you ever wondered how it might have been if you did not take the metro that day? Or what would have happened if you had not spoken to that person that day? What would happen if you had been with x and not y?
You may be married or in a committed relationship. You might be single or you might be fucking everything that walks. But do you ever feel WHAT IF????
What if x was the guy I lost my virginity with? What is B was my teacher instead of C? Why am I stuck with m and not n? So many what ifs…
Disoriented? Disillusioned by what I am saying because you know it is true???
Do you ever go scrolling down your Facebook feed and see that PERSON. That person who you wanted so badly but it didn’t work out? It crushes you? For me it is a longing for someone I have never met. An experience I cannot even dream of.
I don’t know what I am missing because I have no comprehension of it, but still I AM MISSING IT. Pisces Moon, Leo Sun and Ascendant could be creating this incessant need, no I would say addiction of WANTING TO MISS SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.
The feeling is not real. For what is real? There are these conversations I have in my mind. I know they have happened, some are happening right now. I have sensed his energy, but never met him.
Don’t misunderstand. I am very, very, very much in love with my partner of fourteen years! But it is not the same feeling. You know about soul mates and twin flames yes? What if I tell you that when you miss someone without knowing whom it is you are exactly missing, then probably it’s your twin flame you are missing. We are all in a state of quantum entanglement. There are parallel realities and “spooky action at a distance”, as Einstein called it.
There is a parallel narrative happening. In fact not one, numerous and sometimes I tune into them. I sense those energies and I …SOMEONE/SOMETHING?? I have tried so desperately to put a face to the energy, but nothing. In fact I have met many people who have been my previous lovers, but this energy, there is no name to it. Have you felt this spooky action at a distance? An immense, intense craving for someone. It is all consuming.
Tossed into the world, I have been subjected to its laws and its contingencies, ruled by wills other than my own, by circumstance and by history: it is therefore reasonable for me to feel that I am myself contingent. What staggers me is that at the same time I am not contingent. If I had not been born no question would have arisen: I have to take the fact that I do exist as my starting point. To be sure, the future of the woman I have been may turn me into someone other than myself. But in that case it would be this other woman who would be asking herself who she was. For the person who says “Here am I” there is no other coexisting possibility. Yet this necessary coincidence of the subject and his history is not enough to do away with my perplexity. My life: it is both intimately known and remote; it defines me and yet I stand outside it…. Simone de Beauvoir
Similarly what if I had not answered that call from him? What if I never met him? I would not have my baby. Breaks my heart. There is nothing I want more than to be with him and my baby. Yet there is a craving…for something that is not and will never be.
For there is no real man. I mean this feeling is not real. And even if it is in some way, then there is nothing I can do about it. I guess it is the artist in me that craves for new inspiration. The Universe exists because we can observe it. The wave has only become a particle.
We are an accident. From the cosmic lottery hat containing zillions of universes, we happened to draw a universe that allowed life. But then again, if we had not drawn such a ticket, we would not be here to ponder the odds… Alan Lightman
I have drawn the energies I wanted to experience in this physical body. The man I hold, the man I conjured, the man I am intimate with is the one I drew to me. But if the whole MULTIVERSE thing is real, then he cannot be with me in every single multiverse, can he?
There are others. Then it’s not one person I am missing? An amalgamation of every single man. Oh wait a minute. I refuse to believe that I am straight in every single Universe. So there are women too. My lovers.
Am I missing a congregation of all the energies that are playing with me through eternities, through infinities. Then there is this SOULMATE, TWINFLAME THEORY that went viral. The article was called THREE LOVES OF YOUR LIFE or something, basically saying we have three main lovers. It also said that the person we never live with our soul mates. Not for most.
So here in all this madness and mayhem of multiverses we have a Schrodinger’s cat. For me it is alive and for me it is dead. But in this reality is it ALIVE or DEAD. I have to decide. I make this reality.
The yoni or the Pussy is in fact like a radar for this twinflame sensation. Whenever the feeling of closeness and intimacy with someone I have never known dawns, the yoni reacts immediately. There is of course much wisdom in the Yoni that I draw from.
Do you feel your yoni come alive? And I don’t mean just feeling horny? But a sense of a lotus opening. The yoni is like the lotus and is a symbol of the COSMIC CREATRIX. Yoni means SACRED SPACE and the gateway to the womb. It is also the Holy Grail.
Which is why I think self pleasure is so amazing to experience this twinflame connection. For when you truly “TOUCH” yourself, you merge the yin and the yang. No thesis or antithesis. SYNTHESIS.
You can use self pleasure as a meditation to send energy to your twinflame anywhere. Twinflames for we are entangled with every single thing out there. There is no separation. I mean however far-fetched it sounds, but that gives me some peace. I know I regularly communicate TELEPATHICALLY with my twinflame. I use meditation, the tarot and other psycho-somatic exercises. I will write about them in greater detail.
The internet has many takes on what a twinflame could be… Most twinflame couples are physically at a distance or live in different countries. Often there is something that prevents the twinflames from being physically together in the beginning. This is usually because there is much energetic work to be done on the mental and emotional levels before the physical meeting can occur. If the physical meeting were to occur too soon the energy can often be too intense. Found that somewhere ONLINE.
In simple terms this is not the human partner that we long to have here in our relationships with humans but it is our own energetic soul mate that we have disconnected from when we incarnate in this human form. …Found that too.
So often with this twinflame archetype there is the feeling of it not being HUMAN which is totally fucking believable. Because what love that is human and day to day can withhold such awesome magnetism? It can’t. For day to day reality seeps in.
I think this twinflame, when SPIRITUALISED, is RUMI’S BELOVED.
I swear, since seeing Your face,
the whole world is fraud and fantasy
The garden is bewildered as to what is leaf
or blossom. The distracted birds
can’t distinguish the birdseed from the snare.
A house of love with no limits,
a presence more beautiful than venus or the moon,
a beauty whose image fills the mirror of the heart.
Will it sound weird to you if I tell you I have lived on many different worlds before I came here? Look I know in the higher vibration, this feeling I feel is my higher self. This twinflame emotion of intense longing is for my ishta/yidam. Or my beloved.
The concept of Ishta or yidam is from this vibration. I get it. But from this 3D conception it becomes a longing for the opposite sex. We are actually ANDROGYNOUS. We split into males and females. Read up on Plato’s myth.
In the Skanda Purana, Parvati requests Shiva to allow her to reside with him, embracing “limb-to-limb”, and so Ardhanarishvara is formed. This ARDHANARISHWARA is the COSMIC ANDROGYNY. This embrace of the yin and the yang results in creation.
So when we separate from our SHIVA, we feel this SEPARATION.
Ardhanarishvara symbolizes that the male and female principles are inseparable. The composite form conveys the unity of opposites (coniunctio oppositorum) in the universe. The male half of Ardhanarishvara stands for Purusha and female half is Prakriti. Purusha is the male principle and passive force of the universe, while Prakriti is the female active force; both are “constantly drawn to embrace and fuse with each other, though… separated by the intervening axis”. The union of Purusha (Shiva) and Prikriti (Shiva’s energy, Shakti) generates the universe, an idea also manifested in the union of the Linga of Shiva and Yoni of Devi creating the cosmos. The Mahabharata lauds this form as the source of creation. Ardhanarishvara also suggests the element of Kama or Lust, which leads to creation.
This separation in my yoni is that separation to entwine with the DIVINE MALE. I feel it strongly. This pulse. This cosmic union.
There is a part of me that knows that love cannot be experienced in its higher octaves in this dense 3D. This is the world of duality which is why internet spiritualists say that most people do not end up with their TWINFLAME. This reality is so fraught with DUALITY that CONFLICT IS BOUND TO EMERGE IF YOU COHABIT WITH AN INDIVIDUAL.
Can you imagine not having a fight with the person you’re living with? Can you imagine SUCH CRAZY INTENSITY in a marriage of twenty five years. In no way am I dissing MARRIAGES. No. Long term commitment has its own pros and cons, this polarisation of the male female is a necessity for SOUL GROWTH. But TWINFLAME LOVE IS NOT MUNDANE. This is probably why people don’t land up with their twinflame.
Most people don’t even meet their TWINFLAMES…the INNER VOID ACHES!
The QUEST for my twinflame is a motif in my UNCONSCIOUS is a search for my OWN IDENTITY??? I think that is the best explanation I can find. Why else do I not have a type? A type of man I fancy. I just have ideas, smiles, words, feelings to that CONCEPT I have created. This man! I thought I will meet my twinflame in Goa. Dancing is the only true way to recognise such a primal connection. And I don’t mean clubbing. I mean dancing like no one is fucking watching. Dancing the psychedelic dance where social conditioning breaks down and ego structures collapse. But nope. Nothing….I did meet my partner who could or could not be my twinflame.
I don’t think I will call him my twinflame. He is too close for that. That elusive mystery I seek…that yearning in the Yoni, so deep that nothing can satisfy it. Maybe dying and uniting with the SOURCE CODE might keep that fire in check.
Do you feel this yearning too? This hollowness?
SHAMANS, MEDICINE PEOPLE, MYSTICS AND SAGES THROUGHOUT THE AGES HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT THE SOUL DOESN’T SPEAK THE HUMAN LANGUAGE.
Instead, our souls communicate with us through symbols, metaphors, archetypes, poetry, deep feelings and magic. The human language is far too limiting to express the full spectrum of profound knowledge, insight and revelation that the soul has to share… Aletheia Luna
It’s this symbols and metaphors and deep feelings, with a dash of magick that my twinflame communicates with me. Sometimes I need to hear a track, even a few lines and memories come flooding back. They are not coherent memories.
I feel like I have deleted those memories!!! Like Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine…But I’m just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind…” I think that film is my favourite love story. There is so much intensity, reality in it, the HUMAN EXPERIENCE in its fragile beauty.
Communicating with your twinflame is not incessant banter. It is a deep SILENCE. It is SPIRITUAL. I mean even when I am talking of sexual love with another. This stuff is DEEP. In fact this aching in me lead to many a useless relationship. I just wish I had developed a deeper relationship with my Yoni!
So my twinflame if you are reading this I want to end this with Kate Winslet’s lines in the same film…”COME BACK AND MAKE UP A GOODBYE AT LEAST. LET’S PRETEND WE HAD ONE…”