It happened sometime around 2011, a very important year in my life. Maybe important is not the correct word, life-changing, a bitter-sweet symphony, a complete juxtaposition of diverse realities. The only way to explain it would be Tagore’s song, Acche dukkho, ache mrityu, biroho dohono lage, tobuo shanti, tobu anando, tobu anonto jaage…
Yes that’s probably the best way to describe it, that year- 2011!!!
I lost someone very dear to me on the sixteenth of March that year and it happened to be just a month from my marriage on the fourteenth of February. Filled with ecstasy, hopes for a new future I was on cloud nine, but the bubble burst so hard that I found myself drowning in such intense sorrow that nothing made sense anymore. I wanted to die. Believe me, the grief was so intense, so painful that I was unable to cope with it. Sadguru has always blessed me and so in that moment, I began a deep process of introspection and began to peruse spiritual texts. I have always been interested in tantra and my interest only deepened during this period, because everything tantra teaches made perfect sense. It began to clear the smoke inflicting my mind and soul.
Maa Bagalamukhi showered her grace on me, I don’t know why I deserved it, but she did and I found the contact of pujya gurudeva Dr. Amarnath Mukherjee. We spoke several times over the phone and I also visited his website. The images of the ashram in Dhakuria, the face of Maa Bagalamukhi in there and the overall energy really impacted me and I vowed to visit.
Cut to 2014.
This year has again been one such year of mixed emotions, of strange dualities- sadness and happiness, anger and forgiveness, hope and hopelessness. In a way I was forced to come to Kolkata for family issues and other problems and have stayed back ever since. I returned to Kolkata after nine long years and the journey and stay has been hard. So much has happened, both good and bad and I stand a bit exhausted. But Maa Bagala has her plans and who am I to question them? I take it as her intervention- my problems. I take it all as her grace that she’s showering on me. Strangely my husband, my year old daughter and me, we’re all Manglik and I can only say that we’re blessed to come in contact with Dr. Amarnath Mukherjee and receive Maa’s blessings. Truly we are grateful.
Worshipping Maa Bagala has brought a complete transformation in my personality and I want to share some of that. To put things simply my husband and I are going through some really difficult situations due to some greedy individuals who want to steal all his family’s money.
In the beginning, I was angry, I was upset and I wanted revenge. I began to recite Maa Bagala’s mantra and wanted to invoke her stambhan shakti to destroy my foes. I recited her mantra fervently and wished that my enemies would be stunned into submission by her thunderbolt. I hoped that their heads would explode and justice would be served.
I kept on chanting and chanting, then after a few months something wonderful happened. I began to sense Maa’s presence and my anger dissipated. The mantra became my life force and I began to interpret it differently. I realized that my very own mind is the dushta that needs to be stopped before it can create more devastation. My tongue needs to be stunned into silence, my mouth needs to be quiet because it knows not what it speaks and I need to just listen and the destructive thoughts that plague my consciousness need to be eliminated. My feet need to be stopped, for they roam uselessly here and there, they refuse to stop at a point so I can concentrate and my awakening can happen. The materialistic brain that I’m harbouring and the convoluted psyche to go with it need turning off. When I say, “Mama sarva vigna nashaya, nashaya,” I now know that it is me, this false persona, this ego that is the greatest obstacle to my liberation. Tied to the world and it’s three gunas, it’s my ego that refuses to let my true self shine. Think about it, how many times do we speak bad words or dushta vak about our own selves? How many times do we perform actions that are actually detrimental for ourselves? Laziness, jealousy, lust, avarice there are the dushta rog and dushta vyadhi that afflict us and from spiritual reasons bodily disease happens.
If Maa will grant me one wish, it’ll be of total surrender at her feet. I want to learn that surrender. So I decided to forgive, to move on and not consider any external forces as my enemies. I think in some small way I have received Maa’s grace. If I face problems, then I’ll know it’s her ashirwad and I will accept them without questions.
The enemy is not outside, it is not any external force. The enemy is inside. I want her stambhan shakti to strike me hard so I lose body identification and fix my heart and soul into her essence forever.
JAI MAA BAGAMUKHI!