I know, I know how this sounds. Pathetic act to grab some two-bit attention. Another attention-seeking ploy! A devastating subterfuge!
No one loves me!!! There is this feeling of love and hate with all my supposed close people. No one understands me! I remember voicing this, thinking this throughout my life. It’d go away, after all puberty does play havoc with our hormones. What are we but a play of hormones? Serotonin- happiness!! Oxytocin- bonding!! Chemicals dictate how we feel and that is fucking disgusting if you ask me. Downright annoying!
This alienation I feel, this sense of separateness must be due to some bloody chemical dancing around in my brain, eating all the gray cells. There are times when I wish I was the only person on Earth except animals. The only human, like Will Smith in some post Apocalyptic landscape!
This is not some sort of misanthropy. Not some kind of psychopathic leanings whereby I hate humans and want their destruction. I don’t! In fact I love humans, but from far away. If you come close, I tend to close up.
I tend to overthink, I tend to detest you! But as soon as you go away, I think of you fondly. What neurosis! I don’t have this anxiety disorder thingy. Nope ma’am! I don’t.
I feel like all of this is one huge worthless game. A pointless simulation. I’m kind of convinced that this world is definitely a computer game and we’re being played. What kind of world is this? People kill animals, treat them so badly, the meat industry, the dairy industry and don’t even bat an eyelid. It’s all food. We have a huge sense of entitlement! Like being human has given us this right to use and abuse, conquer and destroy, rape and pillage whatever we deem fit for exploitation.
Today I read in the news that a man was killed and his family tortured because his neighbors thought they were eating beef. Disgusting does not cut it! Yes I’m totally against eating beef, but this act of killing and raping the man’s family because he was eating beef is what shocks the hell out of me. We can actually do it. Kill another man, just like that.
We have it in us, in our collective unconscious to kill, destroy, lie, cheat. It’s programmed in us. Can we reprogram ourselves? Look around you! What do you see? Refugees. Hunger. Capitalism. Exploitation. Domestic Violence. Gender Inequality.
We are hopeless. I used to have hope, for myself, for us all. But HOPE is a word I have deleted. For Hoping is like a child on Christmas waiting to see Santa Claus. No one wants to hear all this, no one wants to see facts and no one wants to like me. I have accepted that fact that from my parents to my friends, to my relatives who live as they’ve been told to, in set value systems, I am NOT NORMAL.
My mother ruined my childhood by insisting I become normal. But here I am and I never want my daughter to be NORMAL! Normal, in today’s times is what I abhor.